I always feel that my husband has no company. Am I too clingy or is he cold?

I recently received a question from a consultant. She said: "My husband always thinks I am too clingy, but I feel that he seldom accompanies me. Whose problem is this? " This question is very representative. Many visitors' emotional crisis is due to the serious inequality of companionship needs between the two sides, that is, one side feels left out and the other feels stuck.

The formation of this situation cannot be said to be caused by the so-called "clingy" side. Some of my visitors saw some theories that people who are not independent enough have the need to accompany their partners, so they fell into excessive introspection and even began to deliberately save their relationship by keeping their distance from their husbands. After listening to this, I will feel very sorry for them, because doing so may not only not solve the problem at all, but also make myself live in injustice and oppression. What is even more frightening is the real reason. What's next? Let's get to know each other.

If you feel that your husband is always snubbing you, where do you need to find the root of the problem and what can you do to improve your relationship?

First, we need to visit self-observation. What are your expectations for marriage? For example, some female friends have expectations beyond the scope of marriage function, and feel that all kinds of needs in their spiritual life can be solved by stepping into marriage. With such expectations, it is easy to feel unhappy and dissatisfied, because no one can fully undertake another person's life, and no matter how hard a husband tries, he will not fully satisfy a wife who relies on him to bear all the weight.

Marriage is indeed functional, but it is not everything. If you expect it to solve all the problems, then you can judge that the emotional crisis between you and your husband is likely to be more serious on your side, and the premise of repairing the relationship is that you have reasonable expectations for marriage and accept the fact that your husband can't devote himself to you. But don't worry, it doesn't matter if you can't do it for the time being. All your needs have reasonable roots. If the root cause is found, there will be corresponding solutions. You can describe your specific situation by private letter, and I will help you deal with this problem.

Next, we need to judge the root cause of the husband's alienation and indifference. If you are relatively independent before marriage, rarely feel psychological emptiness, can arrange your daily affairs normally, and have not completely shifted your focus to love after entering a relationship, and have not devoted all your energy to your family after marriage, then you need to consider whether your husband belongs to the possibility of avoidant attachment personality.

People with avoidant attachment personality can't cope with the attachment of others normally. For them, being alone is more comfortable than interacting closely with others. There is a simple way to judge whether your husband belongs to this type, and see how he treats other friends besides you.

If he has fewer friends, less social activities, less frequent contact with his closest friends and more time alone in his spare time, he can basically be judged to belong to this type; And if he only has more resistance and rejection to you, then your problem lies in other aspects and needs to be analyzed according to the specific problems of the case. You can tell me about yourself in private and I'll help you judge.

To get along with an avoidant and attached husband, you need to accept his slow emotional output. His indifference is not personal. You need to give him more space, reduce his pressure and avoid entering the emotional pursuit mode. Moreover, you need to be prepared that it is difficult for you to change his mind, but you can learn more skills to get along with him by learning relevant marriage management strategies, and the relationship between husband and wife will be greatly improved.

Next, I will talk about the universally applicable methods to deal with her husband's indifference. If you are often anxious because of your husband's estrangement in marriage, or even have conflicts because of the unbalanced demand for companionship, here is a universally applicable small method, you might as well try it. This method is to reduce the number of companionship and improve the quality of companionship.

Let's first understand what is the quality of companionship. For example, two people sitting together playing mobile phones belong to low-quality companionship. This kind of companionship can't supply nutrients to both sides' spirits, just like people have been eating dirt and their stomachs are full, but they can't keep their lives running. High-quality companionship refers to the participation and interaction between the two parties, such as doing things that are of interest to both of them. In this process, with communication, we have a deeper understanding of each other, and our mood and mental state have also been well adjusted.

Many couples usually give up doing what they are more willing to do because of accommodating each other. For example, your husband wants to play games, but you let him accompany you to the theater. Although he is with you, he is unhappy and thinks you are clingy. Or you'd rather go shopping with your sister, but your husband insists on taking you to the auto show. Although you went with him, you felt very tired and bored.

You two can try to do your own things from now on, and then arrange appointments regularly, clearly divide the time of solitude and the time of interaction, so that the time of solitude is completely at your own disposal and you can do what you want. Try to arrange activities that both sides can devote themselves to during the appointment time, and don't accommodate each other's preferences. This method is effective in most cases where peer demand is unbalanced. Not only can it relieve the pressure of husband and wife to a great extent, but it is also conducive to the growth of individuals and relationships.

Finally, remind female friends who encounter similar situations that the reason why your husband always ignores you is probably not single. You need to make a comprehensive judgment based on his changes over a period of time. Wrong judgment will delay the best opportunity to repair the relationship and increase the difficulty of repair.