There are some funny jokes recently 20 10.

2065438+00 June 5438+0 The latest jokes are all included.

joke

My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me and said, "Aunt, why are your breasts so small?"

I sweated wildly: "Not small, how small!"

My little niece gave me a pathetic look and said, "Nothing, mine is very small ~"

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A friend of mine (Dr. Tsinghua) flew to Hongkong.

Just sit down, suddenly found sitting next to Jay Chou!

After watching it for a long time, I looked at Jay Chou awkwardly and said, "Hello, I'm Jay Chou. Do you want my autograph? "

My brother got angry when he heard this. He replied angrily, "I am a doctor in Tsinghua. Do you want my autograph? ! ! "

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China students had an accident on a foreign highway, and even people and cars jumped off a cliff. After the traffic police arrived, they shouted down:

"How are you?"

The foreign student replied, "I'm fine, thank you!" "

Then the traffic police left and the overseas students died.

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The annual income is between 3 million and 10 million-you can buy any house outside the Second Ring Road;

The annual income is between 65,438+0,000-3,000,000-you can buy any house outside the Third Ring Road;

The annual income is between 300- 1 10,000-you can buy any house outside the Fourth Ring Road;

The annual income is between1.5-300,000-you can buy any house outside the Fifth Ring Road;

The annual income is between 8- 1.5 million-buy a house outside the Sixth Ring Road;

The annual income is less than 30 thousand-dig a hole and bury it casually!

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Take a taxi with friends to meet netizens.

When time is running out,

A friend pointed to an ugly girl not far away and said to the driver,

"See that woman?"

"See, stop here?"

"No, kill her! ! ! "

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My classmate's girlfriend is beautiful and has many suitors, which gives him a headache.

One day, his girlfriend was pursued by high flyers of a medical college. My classmate knew that the visitor was not good, so he tried, "What's your attitude?"

The girlfriend replied, "I turned him down without thinking!" " "

My classmate was deeply gratified and asked, "How did he ask you out?"

The girlfriend replied, "He asked me if I wanted to see the body together!" " "

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One day, my classmate (MM) went to the bank to withdraw money, thinking that there were still dozens of dollars in it, so I simply took it out together, so NB loudly said to MM sitting in the bank, "Take out all the money!"

As soon as the bank's MM swiped the card, she immediately looked up at the megaphone and said seriously to her classmates, "There is only one dollar and fifty cents in it. Do you want to take it all out? "

There are many people waiting in line at the back. ...

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Last semester in college, a male classmate in the class worked together in a laboratory to make a graduation project.

The student is a typical technical man with strong skills and excellent RP, but he is rather dull and basically doesn't talk to girls.

I wrote a paper one day and didn't think of going back to the dormitory until 12 in the evening. When I got to the stairs, I found that the light had been turned off, and the corridor was dark and quiet. That's called a KB!

I have no choice. When I returned to the lab, I saw that the man was still immersed in his paper, so I asked him to accompany me down, and Yi readily agreed.

When I reached the opaque stairs, he bravely said to me, "Come on, give me your hand!" " "

At that time, I was a touching and enthusiastic good classmate and a gentleman's good man!

Could it be that my future husband is him?

So I held out my warm little hand. ...

He grabbed my hand, then gently put it on the handrail of the stairs and said, "Don't be afraid, just walk on it yourself ..."

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One night in the fifth grade of primary school, everyone was very disciplined and the classroom was quiet.

Suddenly, the head teacher appeared angrily and shouted, "Who moved the table so loudly just now?"

We are all at a loss. No one has ever touched the table.

The head teacher was even more angry when he saw that we were silent: "Do you know that all the teachers in the school are having a meeting below? I can't believe you're making a scene here. I am humiliated by you! "

(Note: Right below our classroom is the guidance office. )

There was a long silence. When the class teacher was more angry, a boy suddenly realized and shouted, "We didn't move the table, but XX farted!" "

The head teacher froze for a long time and asked in a trembling voice, "Is the fart so loud?"

The whole class shouted excitedly: "Yes!"

I didn't come to my senses until I called everyone, and then I smiled!

Sweat ~ ~ ~ true story, that boy has always been called "gun barrel" by us.

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At the temple fair, the barber quarreled with the seller of hot soup.

The master who shaved his head scolded: Do you sell a JB hot soup? !

The seller of Hu spicy soup refused to accept, scolding: You shave a JB head, are you awesome? !

So, the customer who was having a haircut stood up and kicked over the pot selling Hu spicy soup!

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My daughter went to boarding school and gave me a potted plant and tropical fish before she left.

A week later, she called and I told her that the potted plant was dead.

After a while, I regret to tell her that the tropical fish also died.

She was silent for a while and asked, "What happened to dad?"

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Xiao Ming's father said to Xiao Ming: If you are good today, my father will take you to the market to watch others eat sugar.

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I: Excuse me, are you the legendary Princess Iron Fan?

W: Why do you say that?

Me: because ... because ... because I think only Niu Wangmo can match your looks!

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The customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"What about the elephant with a piece of bread in your ear behind you?"

"Sir, what I put in the sandwich is entirely my own business!"

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During the basic training period of 13 weeks, the recruits slept on the hard ground and ate rations, so as soon as the training was over, they wanted to go home, sleep on a clean mattress and eat meals cooked by their mothers.

On the day he got home, the whole family gave him a warm welcome.

His mother said more cheerfully, we are going to go camping with the whole family to celebrate for you!

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Customer: "Waiter, can you explain the flies in my soup?"

The waiter bent down to look at it carefully and replied, "it's swimming, sir." It's swimming. "

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There is a four-story building, and a strange man lives on each floor.

The first floor likes to eat cucumbers, the second floor likes to dye the room green, the third floor likes to pee on the balcony, and the fourth floor likes to play with broadswords.

One day, the broadsword player on the fourth floor accidentally fell down, and it happened that the third floor wanted to pee, so it was cut, fell to the second floor, dyed green, fell to the first floor, and was finally eaten as a cucumber.

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One day, Xiaoming came to his future mother-in-law's house. Mother-in-law: Sit anywhere! The food will be ready soon!

Then I went into the kitchen and got busy. At this time, only nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog Xiao Bai were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found a sharp pain in his stomach. He thought, no! I must hold back!

But he couldn't help it ~ ~ poof ~ ~ He farted invincible.

He thought to himself, this is a dead man ~ ~ and he will be thrown out. Unexpectedly, his mother-in-law just shouted: Xiao Bai ~ ~!

Xiao Ming thought with relief: fortunately, Xiao Bai is my scapegoat, and then she couldn't help but fart for the second time, and her mother-in-law was still calling Xiao Bai ~ ~

When he farted for the third time, he saw his mother-in-law rush out and curse: Xiao Bai! You won't run unless it stinks to death, will you?

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When the mobile boss went to the public toilet, the doorman said: Go in for 30 cents and come out for 20 cents! Cold boss: Is there a charge for coming out? Grandpa said: learn to move two-way charges. When the boss came out of the toilet, he was stopped again: you squatted in pit 8, paid the number selection fee, farted, paid the roaming fee, and paid the overtime fee for more than three minutes. There is background music in the toilet, and the charge for color ring tones is 20 cents. If you patronize frequently, I suggest that it is more economical to set up a bathroom package. The boss was furious: "where is this king's law?" ! Grandpa waved his hand: "M-Zone, I am the master of my site!" " "

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Old, but classic

One day, Xiaoming put a plaster on his hand. The teacher asked: What happened to your hand? Xiao Ming said: It's broken. The teacher said: Why?

Xiaoming said: Because I am too lazy, the teacher said: Too lazy will break my hand?

Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road and my shoes hit a stone, but I was too lazy to do it with my hands, so I shook my feet with a telephone pole and let the stone fall out. Passers-by thought I was electrocuted and hit my hand with a stick, so ...

Teacher: ...

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Pol.ice caught a lobster thief at the seaside, and is going to be fined according to law …

M: What did you say? What law have I broken?

These two lobsters are my pets. I took them out for a walk!

Policeman: I am too lazy to listen to your nonsense!

Man: Really, my Lord!

They like swimming in the sea. As soon as I whistle, I will swim back!

Pol.ice: I want to see this ~ so the man threw two lobsters in his hand into the waves …

Policeman: Well, I'll see how you can get your pet lobster back.

Man: Lobster? What lobster?

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A man was going to catch a boat, so he drove to the dock as fast as he could.

When he reached the dock, he saw that the ship had left the shore. As soon as he locked the door, he jumped into the boat at a speed of 100 meters. The whole action was done in one go without any pause.

His behavior frightened the whole ship.

The captain said strangely, sir … the ship hasn't landed yet …

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Q: Why do doctors wear masks when performing operations?

I'm afraid of being recognized after the accident.

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Taiwanese businessmen doing business in Chinese mainland like to go to entertainment places every night because their home is in Taiwan Province Province.

One day, unfortunately, it was caught by public security experts, and the Taiwanese certificate was stamped with the word "prostitute".

He was very unhappy, so he spent some money through relationships and got rid of this indecent term.

A week later, his friend told him that it had been finished.

He thought, as long as there is money, what is impossible?

After receiving the Taiwanese certificate, he excitedly opened it, covered with three big characters: non-prostitute.

Later, he tried to get rid of the word "non-prostitute" through more powerful people, because he felt that these three words were still indecent, so the account had to be calculated.

Because he will return to Taiwan Province province next month. ...

Friends have repeatedly assured him that there will be no problems, but politeness is absolutely indispensable.

Another week passed, and his friend came to him and said, "It's really done this time!" !

He quickly took the Taiwanese certificate and read it. It says: African fire worm.

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In primary school, students in the class wrote some titles on paper, then folded the paper into planes and flew around the classroom.

Unfortunately, a paper plane was picked up by the class teacher, opened it and read: "Breast Health Care".

The class teacher was furious and began to investigate the source of the paper plane, and asked the students to check the handwriting one by one to see who wrote it.

The result of the investigation is that the class teacher thinks that A wrote it.

But A refused to admit it because he didn't write it.

After school, A was left behind. After 7 o'clock, under the teacher's repeated threats and inducements, A could not persist.

He said to the teacher, "teacher, I really didn't write the words on that paper." I wrote a complete sexual knowledge book. "

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After class is over, everyone is walking outside, and a buddy at the back sighs, "It's leucorrhea again today ..."

Everyone is amazed!

Two seconds later, I heard another word: "umbrella!" " "

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A driver knocked down an old man with his car. The driver quickly put his head out to see what had happened. The old man was frightened when he saw it.

If you want to die, say alive, "Dude, you still want to reverse the car."

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One day, in flight.

A security guard watched a passenger turn on his mobile phone and immediately went over and said seriously, "Don't hit the plane with your mobile phone!" " "

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One day, I met a net friend MM in the Oriental Plaza. I don't want to be too corny. I met her at Starbucks.

I don't think it's appropriate not to buy anything while waiting for MM,

Just order coffee at the counter.

The waiter asked, "What do you want?" .

I didn't bring my glasses that day, and the coffee shop was dimly lit. I tried to read the price tag, but I still couldn't see it. ...

Just say, "I can't see clearly!" " .

Waiter: "OK, cappuccino!" " "

So I drank my first cappuccino at Starbucks. ...

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The manager of a company asked the secretary to forward the official document to the boss: "Tell the boss that there will be a batch of orders in Europe next month, and I think the company needs to bring someone to have a meeting with them."

The boss simply signed "go to the head" at the back of the official document.

After receiving it, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy a plane and plan their trip, while he was packing.

On the day of departure, I was stopped by my secretary.

Secretary: "What are you going to do?"

Manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!" " "

Secretary: "Does the boss agree?"

Manager: "Didn't the boss say to give me a head start?"

Secretary: "You have been in the company for so long, don't you know the English level of the boss?"

The boss means: go to the head! "

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An elder brother likes to eat fish.

Wal-Mart's perch costs 9 yuan a catty, and when it dies, it costs 7 yuan and two pieces of ice, just as fresh. A brother rushed to buy it after work, but it was often bought. One brother stood in front of the fish tank and waited, sometimes one died for a long time.

A brother fished it in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't stand it anymore. He came over to his brother and said, "Sir, those who passed out don't count ..."

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A pirated windows CD reads: "We paid the original price in the Qing Dynasty, so we don't need to activate it. Please feel free to use it! "

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After the results of the college entrance examination came out, the teacher sighed and said, "In fact, it is a kind of happiness for you and * * University."

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A buddy doesn't study well, and people just like to occupy seats. Of course, sometimes I have to do it under the coercion of some pig-headed girls.

Once, when I used up every book in my bag, I couldn't wait to get the toilet paper. As a result, there are still half a row left, and more and more people are watching. This guy was so anxious that he suddenly had a brainwave. He took off the headphone cable, straightened it out and put it on the desktop. ...

Another time, this guy came empty-handed, and I thought, can't you take it today?

As a result, the guy smiled and took out a deck of poker from his pocket. ...

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A, B and C went out together, and A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night … A took a big sniffle, and B and C were covered with A crystals.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later, A: Attention …

B, C, Wen Wen quickly got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world …

As a result, a fart.