What is the root cause of the century-old problem of elderly people helping to take care of their children?

The old man helps take care of the baby, which brings joy and sorrow. Several parents have asked me for advice and complained about the worries of the elderly helping to take care of their children.

I believe that the biggest difficulty for the elderly to help take care of their children is that they have different ideas from us.

Times are progressing, and today’s parents are becoming more interested in learning. However, the parenting experience of the elderly is inevitably out of touch in today’s society. The different concepts are mainly reflected in two aspects:

1. Different concepts of parenting

Today’s parents pay more attention to scientific parenting and follow the books, and pay more attention to their children’s hygiene, which is common with the elderly. Examples of disagreements include:

My child has a fever. Should I take antipyretic medicine immediately?

If the food falls on the floor, can I still pick it up and eat it again?

Do you have to wash your hands before eating?

A common mantra of some old people is: You have been raised like this, and you are not any worse than others.

Especially when your child is sick, should you go to the hospital immediately? If your child has a fever, should you take antipyretics immediately? Many mothers face mental pressure from the elderly in this regard.

2 The concepts of teaching are different

Either they are separated from each other, and they are used to it - they can take a mouthful and chase after their buttocks to feed them; they let their children watch cartoons. I believe this is the case for many young people. Parents' troubles; the child fell to the ground and slapped the ground: I asked you to throw my big baby! When children are focused on playing, keep feeding them water and food...

Or they believe that "hitting hurts, scolding means love, and they feel uncomfortable if they don't hit or scold", Yan.

Of course, the above are not only experienced by the elderly, but also by parents. Here are just typical aspects of different concepts.

In fact, differences are normal. After all, times are changing, positions are different, and perspectives are different.

For the above phenomena with different concepts, we often have two reactions:

1. Tolerate;

Although we are unhappy, we are worried about hurting our temper, so we hold it in If you don’t tell, communication is poor;

2. Eager to correct.

As we just said, differences are normal. However, we don’t think it’s normal to be different!

This will inevitably lead to tension in the family atmosphere and even cause conflicts:

1 Adult distress

Parents will complain: they have said it several times but they can’t remember it; It's easy to take care of your own children...

Old people will also feel aggrieved: you help you take care of your children, but you still feel disgusted with them; there is hard work without credit; you don't know what respect is!

2 In this kind of family environment where disagreements often arise, children can become confused and even manipulate adults.

One night, in the kitchen, my father and Xiaozhuo had agreed to eat a piece of melted rock candy and then take medicine.

Later, when I went in to get something, Xiao Zhuo saw me coming and changed his mind and said he would only eat rock candy without taking medicine. Fortunately, I didn't interfere and came out quickly after getting the things. Brother Zhuo continued as agreed with his father.

The root cause of family conflicts caused by the elderly helping to take care of the children is that we firmly believe that the other party is wrong and we are right.

Is this really the case? We must be right, and the old man must be wrong?

Not necessarily.

Also, things must be black and white, either you are right or I am wrong?

Not necessarily. Between black and white, there is a vast middle ground. This middle ground contains cooperation and respect!

So, what should we do when raising children with the elderly?

Regarding the elderly helping to take care of their children, let’s talk about the concept first.

1. Change from "I have to" to "I choose" and take the initiative to assume my own responsibilities.

In fact, we can choose to let the elderly help us, or we can choose not to let the elderly help us.

Some people say: I have to go to work and have no choice. Wrong, you chose to go to work and take care of your children.

Some people choose to go to work in order to share financial pressure with their husbands; some people choose to go to work in order to have space to do what they want to do.

There must be our reasons for choosing to go to work. Therefore, letting the elderly take care of their children is our own choice, not something we have to do. We must be responsible for our own choices.

If you think that the problem lies with others, there is no solution to the basic problem, because we cannot change anyone, even if that person is a husband or a child.

As adults, we must take back the initiative in life and be responsible for our own choices.

2. Respect and establish an equal partnership.

All people are created equal. Everyone wants to be respected, including the elderly and children. Our relationship with the elderly is a cooperative relationship, a partnership, not a superior-subordinate relationship.

Respect requires us to seek common ground while reserving differences. This atmosphere of mutual respect and positive cooperation will benefit children throughout their lives.

Behind many family conflicts, I see a lack of acceptance of differences. In fact, it is normal to be different, and it is unrealistic to be exactly the same.

Moreover, the reason for respect is also very important, one is good and a hundred is good. What does it mean?

People are not flexible enough to adapt to different lifestyles. When we truly establish an equal relationship with the elderly, then such a truly equal relationship can be established between husband and wife, between parents and children, between friends, and between colleagues.

3 Existence is value.

Adler advocated "existence is value", and everyone's existence is meaningful. Let's take an extreme example to help everyone understand:

If an old man is about to leave us, at this time, we will no longer want him to do anything, but as long as he survives, our biggest wish is.

However, in reality, we often measure our families by "behavior standards" rather than "existence standards." This kind of love for family members is conditional. In fact, it is not love, but a transaction.

In fact, many times, the elderly can help the children realize that I am a special existence and that I am loved unconditionally. This is of great significance to the children's sense of self-worth throughout their lives. This will become part of your child's warm memories.

In short, the gifts given to children by each family member are different. The elderly have their own way of thinking and perspective. If you understand and listen more, you may be surprised and moved. When we are grateful, our children will experience more positive things.

When we express joy and gratitude for the existence of the elderly, in this soft state of mind, it is easier for us to feel the loveliness of our children, the thoughtfulness of our husbands, and the hard work of the elderly.

Regarding the elderly helping to take care of their children, let’s talk about behavioral aspects.

1 Decide what to do yourself.

A book friend once shared a wonderful case story about her family.

Once the baby fell down, and grandma slapped the ground hard: I asked you to throw my precious grandson!

The book friend saw this, squatted down, hugged the child, and said sincerely: Baby, grandma said it was because she loved you that the ground dropped you. So, how do you think she fell? What about the ones that fell?

Of course the child said that she dropped it by herself. The key is that her mother-in-law never slapped the ground or table again.

At that time, everyone called her their daughter-in-law with high emotional intelligence, and asked the old man to stand behind them to help educate their children.

What this incident has inspired me is: parents have the greatest influence on their children; if the elderly lead incorrectly, they should set an example for themselves; in the eyes of the children, the "inappropriate behavior" of the elderly may be the same as that of their grandparents. A unique love.

2 Full communication and tolerance

In order to prevent conflicts, it is necessary to make it clear to the elderly in advance which things are non-negotiable. Negotiate major matters and turn a blind eye to small matters.

For example, swearing is not allowed in our house. Even the mantra from my hometown is not allowed because it sounds uncivilized. This works extremely well in our family.

When we communicate with the elderly in a respectful manner, they are often willing to cooperate.

Even if we communicate well, there are times when we cannot do it. At this time, we must be tolerant. It is unrealistic to strictly require the elderly to comply with our requirements. It is impossible for us to implement all our ideas, right?

3. Focus on solving problems.

When we shift our focus from "Why don't you do what I say?" to "How to solve the problem", you will find that there are many ways.

The elderly have poor memory and can be reminded appropriately.

For example, the elderly like to add ginger when making dumplings, but the children don’t like ginger. What should I do? You can put a note in the kitchen.

The old man is a little weak in physical strength, so he looks for some artifacts. For example, when a child is learning to walk, prepare a walking tool to reduce the pressure on the elderly's waist.

One morning, Xiao Zhuo’s grandma was sweeping the floor, and Xiao Zhuo insisted on participating. They had a slight argument. I just bought a three-piece mini sweeping set online. In this way, adults can work while children explore and play without delay.

We must know that it is useless to blame the elderly for what they did inappropriately. We should first reflect on whether we can propose ways to improve it. This is conducive to the formation of a good family atmosphere.

In the end, I really couldn’t accept the difference, so I took care of myself or hired a nanny. Everything has two sides, and it is impossible to enjoy only the good side and shut out the bad side.

After having children, all kinds of trivial things come up, which challenges us. This is also a good time to cultivate ourselves and see ourselves clearly.

When the elderly help take care of their children, the things we can change are: our own mentality, our own behavior, and whether we should continue to be helped by the elderly; the things that cannot or are difficult to change are: the thoughts of the elderly.

So, it’s clear how to do it.

No one is born a good mother, a good father, a good daughter-in-law, or a good son, but we are always on the road to becoming such people.

Book reference: "The Courage to Be Hated"