Don't run away, don't be afraid to say it.

Endless year 20 17.

It suddenly dawned on me that the culprit of the pain was at the end of 20 17.

Typical hindsight and being in the game.

I prayed to survive, but the worst happened.

No year in the past has been more painful than this year. 20 17 is a milestone victory.

Actively like me, but also very sad.

Of course, life is alive, and the painful days are still long. I don't have to worry.

When people are old, they feel that time passes quickly. I was old when I realized that time changed quickly.

So for me, this year has become very insufficient.

I don't watch movies, variety shows or TV. I think 1 hour is too long and a waste of time. I think too much nonsense can't get nutrition. Even if I don't know what I'm doing in these hours, I won't waste my life.

But time is still fast. Year after year.

I do many things in a hurry. Everything.

What am I busy with? Where did I waste my time?

I don't know.

20 17 years, my life was abruptly cut into several sections.

There is a period of watching the game, a period of looking forward to watching the game, and a transition period between these two periods.

The "idolization" incident has seriously affected my life. All my emotional sustenance, joys and sorrows come from this.

Of course, pain is much longer and deeper than happiness. Happiness is a minority and a luxury suppressed by pain.

I suffer endless pain because of lack of time.

I wish I didn't love you. That's what I was thinking.

"Then will you teach me?"

"The way to teach me not to love others."

1 month.

"Today? Today? The stars shine. "

I was wearing a white cotton-padded jacket and holding the flowers that Zhou Yu gave me the day before, walking in Hefei in the morning, like a big quail who only drank wine.

20 16 12 3 1 evening, I was lucky to receive flowers from Zhou Yu who missed the captain.

I told myself, hey, cheer up, good luck.

Later, I reluctantly went to the temple to ask for a sign, but it was a rare sign-before that, all my signs were under the sign.

Is luck really coming?

February.

I don't feel sorry for you.

This year is the eighth year.

Teacher Deng Deng of WeChat official account has finally finished serializing.

Mr. Deng Deng, I have forgotten a lot, and I am rarely sad when I say goodbye.

I think I just need a feeling of farewell ceremony.

"The same thing, think of yourself at that time, feel very strange.

But when I think of others at that time, I feel close at this time. "

When I saw this sentence in an article, I was deeply touched.

All I miss is myself, fresh and brave, and desperate for love.

Other people in those days, who really existed, are near at this time and far at this time.

What about me? As for me, many years later, I have become a different person.

I don't think I should have any regrets.

I am not sad for Mr. Deng Deng.

But I really liked him at that time.

March.

"Do you come and go like the wind? My heart is full and empty. "

March begins in anticipation.

Look forward to direct contact at the beginning of the month and meet in the middle of the month.

I told myself more than once not to be sincere.

But I can't find any other expression except tears.

The host said, let's look forward to the adoption of the second stage.

Fireworks fell and teammates around applauded. He gritted his teeth and frowned, trying to control his expression. The audience was lively and deserted, and only he was out of place.

Yeah, he's nobody. He is ZJK.

Everyone said, wait for him to come back. I said yes.

If I had known this was just the beginning,

I wish I didn't love it.

Maybe my pious heart finally touched God. On an ordinary working day in March, the staff called me and asked me if I was interested in attending the captain's meeting in Shanghai on March 15.

Of course.

I have planned everything for this day. I have waited long enough.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up in a beautiful dream. I opened the curtains and the sun stung my eyes.

In my dream, I said to the captain, Captain, can I take a picture with you? The captain's face turned white and he didn't have the temper to say yes.

Just like it's real.

When I was really selected to take pictures on the stage of the event, I thought it was a dream.

I planned everything.

I have practiced how to smile the most beautifully in front of the mirror countless times. No matter how much the chin is closed, there will be no double chin and a small face. How many radians does it take to smile without being greasy, and the exposed teeth are the whitest.

I think, if I have a chance to take a photo with the captain, I must be the most beautiful one.

Even if it's impossible, I think it's all very sweet.

However, everything is better than I expected.

I got the signature ticket of the table tennis competition in Rio Olympic Games from the captain, took a photo with the captain and talked with the captain ... I said to the captain, take care-the word is ridiculous at first glance.

I just want him to be healthy and happy. I couldn't say anything when I got to him.

It's my words that don't convey the meaning, and it's also my thousand words.

"It's a long way to meet him. That kind of happiness is so fresh."

But when we don't meet. My heart is empty.

April.

"Don't be too far away from me. Turn around and look.

I missed it after ten meters. "

April Asian Championships in Wuxi. Even if I can't see you two, I plan to travel early.

But when you really can't see it, it's hard to avoid being sad

You must have run out of luck in March

In Wuxi, the captain lost the first foreign war.

It's really hard to see him lose.

I watched the captain pick up the towel with a straight face, shake hands with the opposing referee as usual, and then left the venue in the "Malone" with the cries of the fans.

Malone, I shouted.

What is he thinking at the moment?

I dare not try to guess what my captain thought at that moment. It's too arrogant.

I just wonder if my captain is tired or not.

"Secular dust and boundless providence will separate you and me."

In March, Shenzhen passed the customs clearance, and after the first round of the Grand Cycle, the first singles quota of the World Table Tennis Championships was announced.

A man stood in the line biting his lip and listening to the host call his name-he quit the game because of a foot injury.

He held out his hands to signal to us that fireworks fell untimely, and the cheers of the tsunami in the stadium belonged to him, not to him.

I watched this man hold his head high proudly, and the stars in his eyes were almost falling. He sniffed and pursed his lips. Seems to be smiling.

The camera scanned the whole venue, and the teammates around him applauded, and his face staggered with the crowd. Flags, uniforms, banners and cheap fireworks kept flying down, just like the end of the story-which made him look like a dying hero.

But he is only 29 years old-just a few years ago, he was the protagonist of the through train.

Why so cruel?

My hero. What was he thinking at that moment?

I said I was waiting for him to come back and I wanted him to be healthy.

He returned to Wuxi that day.

I'm worried about his injury, and I'm happy for his victory.

The fans are red-eyed for his injury, and I am no better than them. Those feelings that I didn't feel strongly across the screen, even I didn't want to admit my slight disdain for ccalling, turned into tears and screams when I saw him.

I have been crazy about him for a long time-no different from the "brain powder" that others despise.

ZJK wants to be healthy-

However, he wants to win.

He is the love I don't want to admit. But the intensity and rapidity of a moment made me feel that I really loved him.

When the audience sang for him, I finally sang bravely once-even I was moved to tears.

Please convey my love to this person.

I think. I hope he's okay. Everything is fine.

Ah, I love him so much.

These two people. Just these two people.

You can sing it 10 thousand times like an old friend.

"Even if you can't avoid being late, you can still let me know before you leave."

Don't be too far away from me.

May.

"You love me and I want you to come. I am so lucky to be a couple."

When primary school began to write the love story of young teeth, a boy told me that love is monosodium glutamate in the story, just put a little seasoning.

I remember this sentence until now.

Later, when I grew up, I suddenly found that MSG was no longer used for cooking at home. Mom said, how about eating monosodium glutamate?

I think it's right. Love is a dispensable and even poisonous thing like monosodium glutamate.

I liked someone in middle school and almost stepped into the abyss of monosodium glutamate, but I just watched from a distance.

When I was older, I learned to eat out. I feel that the food outside is so delicious. I smiled and said that I probably added a bucket of monosodium glutamate. But when I first started eating it, I didn't feel good-it was bit by bit, and I couldn't stop monosodium glutamate slowly.

I suddenly realized.

Love? MSG? Self-protection or cherishing life or too complicated for me to tell. I don't expect it, but I don't know whether I like eating or I'm afraid. And there has never been a monosodium glutamate in my story.

Delicious, poisonous. Monosodium glutamate and love.

If one day I have a chance to eat poisonous monosodium glutamate, maybe I will love it to death.

Forget about monosodium glutamate. I can't even eat basic meals.

A few days in early May, the youngest woman in the communication class got married.

Once upon a time, there was an agreement that no matter who got married, everyone would be present, but it was not complete. Ah, this stupid sense of collective belonging.

Married women are happy.

She married love, pursued her ideals and lived her own life.

I really envy her. Really.

I didn't marry monosodium glutamate, I didn't do it for nothing, I was still in a daze.

The teachers saw me at the dinner table and said that I had lost weight again.

Of course, it's because I didn't do what the teacher hoped. I let him down.

I ha ha ha laugh.

And the phrase "you've lost weight"-it's really not a good compliment to me now.

This is equivalent to telling me how old you are.

I have always kept it in my heart. When I was nineteen, someone said I was thirty. I hope someone will say this to me when I am forty or fifty years old.

When I was trying to lose weight, I didn't expect that one day I would not want to lose weight, or even hope to gain more meat.

Not just losing weight. I am getting old.

It is barren. It is dry. It is barren.

There are no humans.

June.

"Chengdu can't take away only you."

A June that I will never forget.

The world of World Table Tennis Championships is vast, and it's a pity to meet each other late. Defend and shoulder to shoulder.

This is the saddest month in my life.

Not only relatives, but also work and friends.

It's a mess It's all a mess.

Things that can predict the outcome will never have too bad consequences.

Before I went to Chengdu, I thought to myself that my luck should not be worse.

Speaking of which, I never thought my trip to Chengdu would be so hard.

Life is neither too long nor too short, it has been 24 years. Chengdu is a painful experience in my long and short life. I don't want to think about it. It tortures me so much that it hurts when I think about it, and I'm afraid of crying when I say it. The unity of spirit and flesh is a state, then I am the separation of flesh and blood, and my soul is out of body experience.

I have never fully heard a song called Chengdu-even if folk songs and feelings are so popular now.

It is too difficult for me to try to accept a new thing. What's more, at this age, it's hard to say what new things you like to give.

This love is precious.

This means that if you can't afford it, it means heavy.

Pain is comparative.

16 On the last day, I missed the captain. I thought that was the most painful time. I cried like a homeless child at the station in a foreign land. I don't think there was anything worse in the world than me at that time. No one is worse than me before, and no one else is worse than me.

Feelings have nowhere to put, and disappointment and pain follow.

Then Wuxi. Then Chengdu. I just know that the pain is endless, life will continue, and the pain is endless.

On the morning of my trip from Chongqing to Chengdu, I sang "Like an Old Friend" on the scheduled bus route. My eyes a hot, heart, can't be so smart.

There are not many surprises in life, but regrets are always accompanied.

The damp heat in Chengdu made teacher Zhang's waist have a great reaction. When I saw him unable to bend his back when he picked up the ball, I knew his injury was really serious.

Walk with you on the streets of Chengdu. I look like a stick in rags.

It was also in this place that I really listened to a song called Chengdu for the first time.

Teacher Zhang sings Chengdu.

The picture he recorded and broadcast on a satellite TV happened to be in Chengdu, and it was presented to me at this time in Chengdu.

It was cruel and finally became the last straw to crush me.

I thought I could get through it again.

This year, I cried more than I laughed, and the sad state lasted longer than the positive state. Happy events live under the rule of pain. Obviously, sometimes happiness will stir up, and when you cough with cold pain, happiness will be out of place. What's in peacetime? It is sweet to recall bitter thoughts. In this state, happiness is restrained, short-lived and even more painful than pain.

Another foreign land. 1872 km. Really thousands of miles away, I can't even feel the pain this time.

I said to myself, what am I here for?

It's not just the wine last night that makes me cry when he sings.

I never drink, and naturally I won't get drunk.

He made me cry.

On June 23rd, I cheered up, but when I saw Weibo, the captain, I suddenly collapsed.

I don't want to witness history. Why do I have to bear this?

I walked in the underground passage full of blessings, and my mind was blank.

What to do next.

What should I do? What happened to them?

Chengdu. Chengdu. Chengdu.

I came to the place I really want to go, I want to meet the people I really want to see, I want to eat the food I really want to eat. Nothing has been realized.

I've been thinking for so long and looking forward to it for so long.

I will never come to Chengdu again.

God may want something from me in exchange. If it's a brain, I don't have it. If you want something else, be my guest. Because I'm more afraid of my feelings than what I have to sacrifice.

So, my God, hey, tell me.

I really love them.

Why should I love?

Take me out of Chengdu.

July.

"With the radio playing a classic song.

A very touching song? Why have you never heard of it? "

At the beginning of the month, we moved out of our original residence and changed to a new one.

When I invited the moving company, I found that there were so many things that I really lived alone.

So, if you change to a new home, can you drive away last month's funeral?

The work in June was still a mess in July.

My work is not good at all, but there is nothing I can do to take it abruptly. The result is attached to another person to fish in troubled waters, wasting time and not making progress.

Originally, I only knew how to lie in an ant nest.

I am like a frustrated hostess of a third-rate TV series, sitting on the escape stairs of an office building, looking at the blue sky cut out by squares, I shed tears without any emotion.

Ah, poor me.

Self-moving is my strong point.

"The friendship between three people is a bit crowded."

But self-righteous friendships are more crowded.

Although the boss is not young, he is still hurt by some crowded friendships.

I will never learn to play hard to get. It's my specialty to have my shoulders ironed and my hair shaved.

So cheap, so unloved, so inappropriate.

When I discovered this, I thought. It doesn't matter without this friend. Anyway, the other party doesn't really want to be friends with me.

But I still can't help feeling sad. I know, it's all my fault. As I said before. I deviated from their track, so I quit first.

Yes It's me.

At least it feels better to think like this.

Wow. I am really a good-hearted person who knows how to advance and retreat, a social person who knows how to be measured, an understanding old man, and a poor person who is ignored.

In February, Teacher Zhang sang at the foot of Mount Fuji in the live broadcast.

I didn't realize the problem at that time.

In July, fans finally released this video. Teacher Zhang's voice is still full of firmness.

He said that he would insist on going to Tokyo.

I feel very ashamed. I even doubted him.

The trip to Tokyo was earlier than mine.

I suddenly understood the significance of his singing this song.

He said this sentence more than once, and I thought it was just that the address was unknown.

On New Year's Eve, he sang at the foot of Mount Fuji. On his birthday, he said he was looking forward to Tokyo. The show said he wanted to insist. You know my dreams best.

I don't understand. I still doubt my love for him.

On the day of Zhang's retirement, I was walking in the street of Chengdu. I heard that Chengdu can't take you away. The whole person is like a walking corpse, with no strength.

I think, what should I do in the future.

Until July. Until today.

I just got it.

Please.

Don't travel too far in Tokyo.

August.

"People in youth? Don't even dream about it? Go home after waking up. "

In August, a hip-hop program was all the rage.

I haven't seen my brothers for more than 80 days.

I think I will fall in love with someone else. Try it, love others.

The rapper sang, and he never cheated himself again. Time is like a knife, no longer gentle.

I can't do it at all.

I am a promiscuous person.

That's what friends say. I liked it as soon as I saw it.

I think. I hope I don't feel so real when I love you.

Then it won't hurt so much every time.

I thought about the National Games at the end of the month for a long time, but I still didn't go. I don't know if I will regret going.

It turned out to be the latter.

I hate being defeated. I hate the death of heroes. I hate competitive sports.

But I love them.

It happened that there was no one around on my birthday.

I told myself that this is what it is when I grow up.

I don't remember how old I am.

The 18-year-old candle on the cake has not changed for several years.

September.

"It's beautiful to climb the ladder all the way."

September is a period of war and chaos. Working overtime every day is exhausting.

Is it useful to work hard when you can't see the result?

When the result is not good, do you still have to work hard?

I don't know, no matter what others say, I just have to say yes.

I have no choice. No choice is needed.

People laugh at my hair every day in the office. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or be angry. I can even see myself bald in my dreams. It's a really hurtful joke, and I can't laugh.

This matter has been in my heart since middle school.

So I went to get a perm.

But it failed.

I cried in a barber shop full of people. I cried so sadly that it seemed that my hair would fall out in the next second.

10 month

"If there is? Set you free. "

Vowing to leave my job, I planned a trip to Qingdao after my annual leave.

Teacher Zhang's home.

This city has its own flavor.

He has made this city very lovely-this very lovely city has also grown by 100, 1000 and 10000.

This is my first trip this year without watching the game.

A few days in Qingdao is my happiest day this year.

I should release myself.

1 1 month.

"I'm better than millions of people?

Being surrounded likes excitement and grandeur. "

1 1 month is what life looks like. There are no ups and downs, and daily chores are full of life.

Work is still unsatisfactory. After scolding, I can only continue to work like a dog, without the courage and capital to leave unhappy.

After work, I went to the food market and saw all kinds of dishes.

Read books and do exercises to kill time before going to bed at night. Occasionally, I see interesting exercises and feel that I have earned them, and I feel happy and satisfied.

It is also in this seemingly stress-free situation that I suddenly figured out why I am suffering this year.

This year is the animal year.

I didn't realize until now.

65438+ February.

"There are annoying lovers in the world? I didn't reach out to save my god. "

Complex 65438+ February. It was a sunny afternoon-in fact, I got some news earlier.

My lovely captain has entered a new stage of his life.

I can't make the first blessing.

I know my view of love is disgraceful.

Like twisted intestines.

I can't explain what kind of emotion I am. I have love and hate.

Easier to escape. No love, no pain.

It seems that an old friend has come. I have listened to 1800 times.

And wearing a support suit to cheer him on. Write him a meaningless letter. And took his picture on a trip.

A flight of two thousand kilometers is not the farthest distance. I hugged him tightly in my dream.

Do you still like it? Do you need me to like it

He never needed it.

And I ... I never could.

No one can save me, not even a god.

It's exactly half a year to see the captain again. 183 days.

I suddenly understood a very simple thing.

Like is like. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

People who like it very much, no matter how hard they can bear it, still can't help liking it.

People who don't like it, no matter how they pretend to like it, still can't like it.

Last year, I said.

Like now, like now. What I like now will never happen again.

It's true.

20 17。

Looking back at 65438+ 10 month.

The first time I got a visa in my life, there was a piece of advice that dominated the whole year, which probably predicted my forest this year.

"The more blessings you accumulate, the more greedy you are."

Shocking.

20 17。

I am an emotional Zhou Puyuan.

Zhou Puyuan was the person who impressed me the most when I watched Thunderstorm.

People with excessive emotions always live in their own emotions.

Is it love or falling in love with self-emotion? I know it well from a few years ago to now.

I wouldn't fall in love again and again if I didn't have a last hope to save myself.

I don't want to be Zhou Puyuan.

But I don't know if I'm Zhou Puyuan.

Really, really help me.

True feelings hurt me, too.

20 17。

I am busy doing many things.

I plan ahead, plan ahead, and be prepared for danger in times of peace.

But how can I forget, said Wang Er,

Let's not be afraid that it will end. Let's start with it.

What you have will disappear.

Why are you afraid of the extra impact before it comes? When you first come, you worry about when it will leave. Being sick means being in a bad mood.

Don't be afraid, there will always be an ending. In short, eat, drink and be merry, and don't waste time.

I want to be free. I want it to start.

I don't want to be so tired.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

20 17。

Teacher Du said that time is running out, and I hope everyone can do something serious.

It's true to think about it. I'm really not doing anything serious myself. Muddle along and waste time, and convince yourself that "boredom is fun" with peace of mind. Obviously, I can foresee that I will be miserable in a few years or even more than ten years, and I have to make a handsome gesture that flowers can be folded straight.

As a party, I hardly need other people's bystanders to make it clear.

So what? You have to change.

I want to change.

But how to change.

But I still want him to start.

20 17。

I once asked my teacher a question.

I said.

Will the future self hate the present self?

Will the changed self hate the old self?

The teacher said she wouldn't.

Because she thinks that people who love and hate strongly will always cherish themselves too much. Because I love myself too much, I will have these troubles. And she is a self-loathing person.

Love and hate, all kinds of emotions are bred under these two emotions, and the essence is only one word. Love.

So, love yourself less.

20 17。

In Chengdu in June. Passing a temple in the city center with friends. Passers-by are all modern men and women, but they are not surprised by this temple. It seems that it is not here.

Facing the incense, I saw a Buddha in the long smoke, and my eyes burned in an instant.

It is clear that it is sunny, and passers-by are in a hurry.

I put my hands together, close my eyes and sincerely wish my loved ones all the best. But I should also want to cross the Buddha. I don't know Buddha, and I haven't been a good man and a woman. But I want to make a difference in this foreign land, and everything is empty talk. But that day, I asked myself if I could learn from Buddhism.

After I was silent for dozens of seconds, my friend asked me softly, is it okay? I opened my eyes and nodded to leave.

The next day was not a good day.

My trip to Chengdu was a mess.

I know. I'm hopeless.

Let's love it.

Okay？

Just ... love yourself less.

20 17。 Farewell.

20 18。 Hello.