Intimate relationship 26 triangle relationship: how does the contradiction between husband and wife affect children?

Use a third party to ease the tension of the relationship between two people

2. The third party can be people, things and things

3. Triangulation between parents and children

A. Partners regard children as tools for power struggle

(Partners use children to resist each other)

B. Partners regard children as tools.

(partners use their children to win each other over)

C. One of the partners is emotionally close to the child and alienates the partner.

fourth, what should I do if I fall into this triangular relationship?

A: Two people solve their problems.

1. If you avoid the contradiction, you actually avoid the opportunity to get close to each other again, and the child will be involved in the contradiction between them and become a victim of the relationship.

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2. Because people are very sensitive to relationships, discussing relationships directly will bring great tension and make people nervous. Talking about the third person not only creates a feeling of "I am with you", but also does not have to face up to the contradictions between them.

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3. Perhaps it is because of the existence of the bridge that these two islands will not seek new communication methods.

Many couples complain:

"When we are in love, it's just the two of us. Our relationship is quite good, and it's okay just after we got married. But after having children, the relationship between the two people began to take a turn for the worse. Up to now, family life has become more and more boring, and the two people have begun to have nothing to say. "

This problem stems from the triangular relationship

between two people. By introducing a third party, the contradiction and tension in the relationship can be alleviated.

In an intimate relationship, partners are usually two fixed parties. If two people don't learn how to deal with the contradictions in the relationship, the tension in the relationship will increase after a long time.

Then they will probably use a third party to ease the tension in their relationship.

Example:

You seldom say to your friends, "What you have done recently makes me uncomfortable." "What you did, did you have a problem with me?" What do people usually talk about? The third party will say, "How's so-and-so recently?" "What XXX has done recently is not authentic. What I don't like most is XXX's point." Wait a minute.

why is this happening?

It's not only because of gossip, but because people are very sensitive to relationships, so directly discussing relationships will have great tension and make people nervous.

talking about the third person not only creates a feeling of "I am with you", but also does not have to face the contradictions between them directly. Sometimes, by discussing the third person, they indirectly express their attitudes towards each other, so that people can maintain a clever balance between intimacy and alienation.

Example: Things

There are often couples who start to work overtime frequently when their relationship is tense. At this time, another person can complain about each other's work instead of complaining about each other's work: "What kind of work do you do? You are so busy every day!" " Obviously, complaining about the other person's work is less stressful than complaining directly that the other person doesn't value himself.

and the other party can also defend himself through work: "Now is the time when work is busy, what can I do?" "I don't work to earn money. How can we buy a house and a car to pay tuition for our children?"

Example: Things

Sometimes people cheat to tell each other, "I don't think you value me." "If you don't love me, someone will love me more." "If you don't treat me well, I have the ability to hurt you."

When there is an intractable contradiction between parents, the most natural reaction of parents is to turn to their children.

They are used to expressing their needs and dissatisfaction with each other through their children, but they are not used to directly facing and solving their conflicts and contradictions.

Three situations in which children are triangulated

(partners use children to resist each other)

Example:

I have seen a family where parents often quarrel, and when they are tired of quarreling, their father often stays home by working overtime. And mother, naturally turned to her daughter. She always pours bitter water on her daughter and complains about her father's bad things.

On the one hand, my daughter is very distressed by her mother; on the other hand, her mother's complaints about her father are unbearable. So when mom complains about dad, she will be silent. Sometimes when a mother sees her daughter's silence, she also complains that her daughter doesn't understand her pains.

when I asked the daughter why she became silent, she said, "I also hope that my father can take care of the family more, but I am afraid that if I say something, my mother will say something about my father."

This daughter used silence to resist her parents' triangulation, but her mother didn't know this. When her daughter stopped talking, her mother naturally became her spokesperson. Mother explained her daughter's worries to her father and often said to him, "You can't even see her daughter's thoughts."

and dad can't even have a good fight with mom. He doesn't agree with his mother, but he doesn't want to hurt his daughter. The only way he can think of is to stay away.

Analyzing the consequences of the power struggle, it seems that mom won. However, dad became more and more alienated, mom became more and more lonely, daughter became more and more silent, and everyone lost.

(Partners use their children to woo each other)

Some couples have conflicts, and when they don't know how to solve them, they will say to their children, "Go talk to your father." "You go and talk to your mother." They know that if they talk about it themselves, their partners usually won't listen, and maybe there will be another quarrel. But when a child speaks, the other half will listen. Over time, children become their communication bridge.

"The biggest problem with the bridge is that it is fixed and there is no way to find its own way out. Because the bridge knows that if it leaves, the two ends of the bridge will become two isolated islands.

However, perhaps it is because of the existence of bridges that these two islands will not seek new communication methods.

If there is no bridge, two people have to face each other's problems. Instead, they can find a solution to the conflict, whether this solution is reconciliation or eventually they decide to stay away. "

In some families, children will take the place of husbands or wives. Over time, husband and wife no longer need each other, and their feelings will become more and more alienated.

a: two people will solve the problem.

No matter what problems or contradictions two people have, both sides need to try to communicate and solve them.

If you avoid the contradiction, you actually avoid the opportunity to get close to each other again, and the child will be involved in the contradiction between the two and become a victim of the relationship.

It is suggested that such couples set aside half an hour for each other every day.

They can talk about anything during this half hour, but just don't talk about children.

At the beginning, many couples said that there was nothing to talk about unless they talked about their children. But slowly, they will get to know and discover each other again.