Did you see domestic violence between your parents when you were a child? What's the effect on you?

I was born in the most ordinary countryside in China, and my parents are ordinary farmers. The personal quality of farmers is really not high, and the contradiction between husband and wife will not be solved by facts and reasons, but by force, and whoever has a fist will take care of it. So when I was young, I saw many domestic violence between my parents, which once had a great psychological shadow on me and made me afraid of marriage.

I have been studying abroad since junior high school, so I saw the domestic violence between my parents in primary school. When I was younger, I didn't remember much, even if there was domestic violence between my parents. My memory began in primary school, and I saw many violent incidents in those six years.

In fact, these things are not necessarily the fault of one party, because as far as I know, grumpy mothers often do things without saying a word. Sometimes my dad is too lazy to care, even if he is beaten, but sometimes my mom is too good to know how to stop, and she annoys my dad with too much force, and the two really fight.

As a result, it is conceivable how the strength of women can be compared with that of men. What my mother faced was a real fight, a unilateral beating, and then she cried. When I was a child, I cried when I saw my mother being beaten, and then I thought my father was so bad that I bullied my mother with great strength.

Every time they fight, I have nightmares at night and sometimes I get seriously ill. I thought the days were too long. Do I have to live in this fear all the time?

I was particularly scared at the time. First, I am afraid of my parents' divorce and becoming an unwanted child. Second, I am afraid of meeting a man who hits people when I grow up, and I am afraid of being beaten.

This family atmosphere has made me live in fear for more than ten years. As an adult, I never had the idea of falling in love. I think men are terrible. I can't beat them. I dare not go near them. Young experience makes me pessimistic about marriage. I have been reluctant to get married, and even missed a few boys who are really good to me. It was not until many years later that I realized what I had missed, how rare it was to have that kind of young and pure love, but unfortunately I missed it because of my inferiority.

Children who grow up in domestic violence, whether they admit it or not, have psychological problems from the bottom of their hearts. Although we may look particularly cheerful and generous on the outside, we are full of inferiority at heart. We feel that we are not good at anything, and we are not confident in what we do, especially when facing our feelings.