The most rogue and funny joke.

One of the funniest jokes:

Plastic surgery of 1 ox X.

Bajie went to Korea for plastic surgery and became a handsome boy. Go to the ballroom to find beautiful women. After the passion, Bajie asked the beauty, Do you know how ugly I used to be? I am Pig Bajie. The beauty is frightened: second brother, I am Lao Sha!

Is your company still short of staff?

A male writer created a column in a magazine to solve some problems in life for readers.

One day, a reader contributed: I am a male clerk in a women's shoe store. I have a very troublesome thing and I don't know how to solve it. Because the business of the shoe store I serve is very prosperous, customers are always flowing from morning till night, so I have to squat down every day to try on shoes for my guests. Although this is only a small matter, do you know? There are many female guests who don't wear underwear at all, so whenever I try on shoes for her, I always see something I shouldn't see. This really made my heart beat faster and my face turned red. Every time I have an impulse to touch it, what do you think I should do?

The writer's answer is: "Is your company still short of people?"

3 impatient fairy

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife?"

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving, greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "? Cake. "

4 Cool Doctor

"I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

As a soldier,

Frank and Fred both received the call-up order on the same day, and neither of them wanted to do military service. Frank once heard that the army didn't accept people without teeth, so they both had their teeth pulled out.

On the day of physical examination, they were on the same line, but there was a big, hairy and smelly truck driver in the middle.

When Frank was at the head of the line, he told the monitor that he had no teeth. The sergeant told him to open his mouth, then drew a circle on his gum with his index finger and said, yes, you have no teeth. You don't need to be a soldier!

Then it was the truck driver's turn. The sergeant said, What's your problem? The truck driver said, I have severe hemorrhoids. The monitor told the guy to bend down, put his index finger around his anus and said, yes, your condition is very serious, and you are unqualified!

Then it was Fred's turn. The monitor asked, What's your question?

Fred stared at his index finger and replied, nothing, monitor. I don't think there is anything wrong at all.

6 wall clock

There is a classroom in the university and there is something wrong with the wall clock. As long as something knocks, it will knock faster and faster, and it takes 5 minutes to knock once.

One day, when the professor was in class, he found that when he was writing on the blackboard, all the students threw a wall clock with an eraser, but the professor kept quiet and still rang the bell. Before long, the final exam arrived and everyone was immersed in it. I saw the professor practicing losing the clock with the blackboard eraser.

An old man went to see a doctor and told him that there was something wrong with his stomach.

The doctor asked him, "Is your stool regular?"

"Very regular, defecate on time at eight o'clock every morning."

"Then what's your question?"

"The problem is that I don't get up until nine o'clock every morning."

Doctor: "?"

Xiaoqing is chatting with a psychiatrist at the banquet. Xiaoqing asked, "How do you all diagnose patients?"

The doctor replied, "I always ask them some simple questions first." If they hesitate, I can probably know that they are insane. "

Xiaoqing was very interested and asked, "What kind of question? Can you give me some examples? "

The doctor said, "for example, captain cook traveled around the world three times, but unfortunately he died on one of them." Which time was it? "

Xiaoqing hesitated, a little embarrassed and said, "I'm not familiar with history. Can you give me another example?

9 ulterior motives

Female patient: Doctor, you told me to stick out my tongue. Why don't you look at it?

Doctor: I don't want to see your tongue. I told you to stick it out. I just want you to keep quiet while I write the prescription, okay?

10 hospital certificate

In front of the cloth counter in the department store, a salesgirl patiently tore a piece of cloth she bought into 2-inch strips at the request of a customer. After tearing, the customer asked the clerk to tie these small pieces of cloth into knots. In the middle of the shop assistant's speech, she finally couldn't stand it. She said, "Are you mentally ill?"

"Yes, I have a hospital certificate." The customer said?

An interesting speech about babies.

1 1 Mom tells Pippi to get up: "Get up! The rooster has crowed several times! " Pippi said, "What does cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen! "

12 My daughter is curious about her navel and asks her father. Dad simply explained the reason why the umbilical cord connects the fetus and the mother, saying, "After the baby left the mother, the doctor cut off the umbilical cord and tied it in a knot, which later became the navel." The daughter said, "Why doesn't the doctor tie a bow?"

Father: "Pierre, don't go to school today. Your mother gave birth to two little brothers for you last night. Just tell the teacher. " Pierre: "Dad, I only said that I gave birth to one and the other. I want to stay until next week when I don't want to go to school. "

14, Dad Buck is sitting on a park bench to rest. A child stood by him for a long time and never left. Buck was very surprised and asked, "Angel, why do you always stand here?" The child said, "This stool has just been painted. I want to see what you look like when you stand up. "

The kitten went to kindergarten. One day, the teacher asked, "Who knows how many countries there are in the world?" The kitten said, "I know!" " The teacher said, "Then tell me which countries there are." The kitten said, "There are two countries, China and foreign countries!" "

16, the child eats at his aunt's house, and her aunt cooks fish for him. The child said while eating, "This fish is really delicious. It would be better if there were no thorns! "

17 thank you, uncle.

On the bus in Beijing, the donkey stepped on the foot of a beautiful girl in front. The beautiful girl glared back and said angrily, "Fuck * * * * * *!"

The donkey's eyes were glassy and tongue-tied. It took a long time to answer, "Oh, I thank you for my uncle."

When Mrs Frog gave birth to a litter of toads,

After Mrs Frog gave birth to the baby, the frog was very happy and busy, and all the housework was taken care of.

In a blink of an eye, when children grow up, frogs become less and less interesting: Why do children all look like toads? Since then, his face has become more and more ugly.

Mrs. Frog saw her husband's mind and said to the frog, I'm sorry, husband! Me Before You, I had plastic surgery.

A good man in the eyes of his wife

A gentleman was waiting for the green light at the crossroads when a beggar knocked on the window and said, Give me some money.

The gentleman looked at it and said, I'll give you a cigarette.

The beggar said, I don't smoke. Give me some money.

The gentleman said, I have beer in my car. Let me give you a bottle of wine.

The beggar said, I don't drink. Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said: well, I'll take you to the mahjong room, I'll pay, you bet, and the winner is yours.

The beggar said, I don't gamble. Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said, get in the car, and I'll take you back to show my wife: what is a good man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble?

20

Lawyer: "Old classmate, I will defend you. Don't worry. "

Defendant: "I'm counting on you."

"Witness A, can you describe the man you saw?"

"He is about 1.7 meters tall, with a bald head and a moustache."

"Directly, is it a man or a woman?"

"。 . . . . . . 。"

Defendant Khan. . . . . . .

"Witness B, you said that you also met the defendant, so your memory is normal?"

"normal."

"Let me ask you a few questions. Did you eat at noon? "

"I ate."

"What did you eat?"

"Fried rice with eggs."

"What's the first question I asked you?"

"Have you eaten at noon?"

"Wrong, the first question I asked you was: Is your memory normal? Obviously, you are not fit to be a witness in this case. . . "

"。 . . . 。"

"Objection"

Sustained. Don't think hard in court.

"。 . . . . 。"

The defendant is sweating. . . . . . . . . . .

The key to this case is whether my client is an alcoholic, so what makes you say that he is an alcoholic?

"He himself said that he should drink at least a catty of white wine at a meal."

"Impossible, I know my customers very well. It is impossible to say such big words without being drunk. "

"。 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 。"

The defendant was furious: "your honor, I can't stand it, and I strongly demand self-defense!" ! ! "

2 1 Some things are beyond the Queen's control.

When the President of the United States visited Britain, the Queen held a grand welcoming ceremony. The red carpet was everywhere, and the Queen accompanied the President of the United States in a gilded carriage with six big horses, which was extremely distinguished among the welcoming crowd. Suddenly, a horse pulling a cart farted loudly and smelly. In order not to embarrass the queen, the president pretended not to pay attention and waved to the welcoming crowd. Embarrassed, the queen said apologetically to the president, "I'm sorry, some things are beyond her control." The president smiled and said, "If you don't mention it, I thought it was Ma Fang!" "

The most rogue funny joke 2:

1. There are three people in the family. They are called robbers and kitchen knives. It was a troublesome day, but the trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "Hello, I'm a robber. I'm looking for trouble with a kitchen knife."

Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends.

One day, haha died. Hee hee is very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you are dead."

3. One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally came across an ant nest full of ants. It shook off the ants, but there was one left on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it ... strangle it. ......

4. Three mice are bragging. One said:? I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel sick if I don't eat it for a day. ? The other said:? I like walking in the street twice a day, otherwise I can't sleep well. ? The third mouse said, it's getting late. Go home and hug the cat to sleep. ?

The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said: The child came out of my stomach, of course it is mine! ? Husband said:? Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? No one inserted the card! ?

6.the zodiac

The folk Chinese zodiac in China is also a topic of great interest to westerners. Everyone wants to know what animal he belongs to. Unfortunately,? Genus? And then what? Belong to? Hemingway was often confused.

One day he excitedly said to the secretary girl:? You are a pig. ?

In Chinese? Woman? Or? A man? It is too difficult for Hemingway to describe the sex of animals, because in English, both male and female can be used to describe people or animals.

One night, Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced me? This is my bitch. ?

7. Safety helmet

Besides driving, Hemingway usually likes riding a motorcycle, which is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He replied: Never mind, I will wear a condom. What he's trying to say is. Safety helmet? (helmet)

8. quantifiers

Quantifiers in Chinese also make Hemingway nervous. Once he boasted? A hero? What does it mean to ask him? He said:? A hero is a thin, tall and good-looking person. ? He explained? One? Nature means long and straight, as for it? A hero? Of course it should be a good-looking man.

Another time he told me what he saw on the highway? A puppy? . I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously refuted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo.

Besides, like what? A pair of pants? Hemingway argued plausibly that pants have two legs, and the two are a pair, so that's right. Even went to China to argue and insisted that it should be? A set of ass? This is logical. That sounds ridiculous.

9. all kinds? Juice?

Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: racking my brains? .

The result is:

? Rack your brains? ,? Chest out? ,? Drink juice? ,? Rack one's brains

Ha! ? Really? Rack your brains? Didn't figure it out either? Rack your brains?

10. A mother said to the little girl, "If someone sexually harasses you, touch it? No? Find out? Stop? ! 」

The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying for her mother. After the little girl listened, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that man?" 」

The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched her up and down together, so I said? Don't ~ ~ stop? ! ! 」

Ge Liang is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.

1 1. Sorry to be heard by Liu Bei again. He had a brainwave and said, Master, how about I call you a woodpecker to adjust the atmosphere? Liu Bei nodded.

Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then ask:? What's the matter, master Is that how I learned it? Liu Bei said: Learn it again, guys.

You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. ?

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn.

12. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves) ..." ~ ~? #￥** ......

As a primary school student, I am particularly envious when I see my classmates who are assigned to read the composition by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"

Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ... ":(

13. I am the host of the song and dance troupe this time, and my education is very poor.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready.

The performance takes turns.

It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: "Du Zi" means swearing in Northeast dialect)

The audience dumped a piece? #￥-

14. My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year and said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, it's too rough ... "

My mother and I both laughed.

15. There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.

I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."

Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

16. My classmate Anonymous looked at himself one day and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair good?"

He was startled and said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."

Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

17. I took my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to take a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase the duck!" " After repeating this sentence, I finally shouted, "Come and have a bite of the duck." ..... "Then skillfully stopped the car.

18. I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she was also reading aloud: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. . .

19. The whole class was shocked.

There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?

20. Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke to make every audience at the scene laugh, otherwise they will be arrested in Aruba.

The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, it's so cold ~ ~ ~?

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: it's so cold ~ ~ ~?

So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.

The rice cooker said again:? So cold ~ ~ ~?

Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, I've had enough. Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold! ?

2 1. Ugly child

A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, I have never seen such an ugly child in my life! ?

The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her. This driver just insulted me! ?

The man replied:? You get even with him quickly, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you!

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