After reading "You are the best toy for children"

In October last year, I went to Lingyin Temple in Hangzhou. Since I go to a temple, I will definitely worship Buddha. Lingyin Temple was full of incense, and I was waiting in line to bow down. Suddenly, there was a little boy about 10 years old, running around in the hall noisily, and his mother immediately called him to her.

"Why did I tell you not to make any noise? If you are still making noise, go out and stand by the door." He reprimanded the child in public, with a cold and stern tone. But I believe this mother must love her children and her intentions are good. However, this punitive education method not only hurts the child's self-esteem, but is also ineffective.

Sure enough, after being scolded by his mother, the little boy ran out of the temple with a playful smile and continued playing. Punishment can only stop bad behavior for a while, but when the child is out of the mother's sight, he will return to his old behavior.

This is actually an educational method used by many parents in life, using threats and punishment to control their children's behavior.

There are also some parents who do just the opposite. They indulge their children in the name of releasing their children's nature.

For example, the little boy above plays in public places that need to be quiet and affects others. Many parents will turn a blind eye. If you remind them to discipline their children, they will instead say: "Children are like this, what's the fuss?"

But in the long run, whether it is threats, punishments or letting things go, It will make the child become a person with no boundaries and a sense of responsibility.

Understanding the rules, abiding by the system, and being responsible for one's own actions are basic social survival skills, and their importance is beyond doubt.

But do parents want this? Definitely not. There is no parent who doesn’t want their child to grow up to be a cooperative, independent, and responsible child. However, many parents will say: There is no way, otherwise, we can’t control him.

If you also have the same troubles, I believe this book "You Are Your Child's Best Toy" will be a great inspiration to you.

The author of this book is Kimberly Braine. She is the world's first educational expert to propose "emotionally guided education". She is a registered family and child therapist and the mother of two children.

This book advocates the use of emotional guidance and setting limits to educate children so that they can become communicative, confident, and responsible children. This book is a phenomenal parent-child education book and has been highly recommended by teacher Fan Deng.

[if !supportLists]01.?[endif]Emotional guidance

The essence of emotional guidance is: “Allow and encourage children to express their opinions freely, and communicate with children through Establish an equal relationship of sharing power by sharing responsibilities, so as to mobilize children's inner initiative, let children learn to solve problems on their own with the help of adults, and learn how to establish good and intimate relationships with others. ”

In this book, the author gives such an example.

Kelton is 4 years old this year, and his parents have provided him with emotional guidance since childhood. One day, Kelton was playing in the park with two friends. Suddenly, a toddler girl broke into their play area. The two friends actually pressed the toy directly on the instep of the little girl.

The little girl was so frightened that she cried loudly. At this time, the little girl’s mother came over. The two instigators turned a blind eye, but Kelton walked up to the mother and said, "I'm sorry that my friend did this. They didn't even stop playing to avoid her."

Later, the mother came over and said to Kelton's mother: "I have never met a child who thinks about others like him. Your son just apologized to me for his little friend. I want to Thank you for raising such a good son, he impressed me."

Daniel Goleman, the author of the landmark book "Emotional Intelligence" said: "If a child wants to be happy and successful, he must have good qualities. Communicative skills and emotional intelligence are much more important than academic achievements.”

Children who grow up under the guidance of emotions are compassionate and treat others as they would themselves.

Only children with empathy and strong communication skills will grow into children with high emotional intelligence.

What are the prerequisites for emotional guidance? Its key lies in the intimacy between parent and child, and its core lies in establishing an emotional bond.

In "Mom is Superman", the mother and son duo of Huang Shengyi and Andy are impressive. At the beginning of the show, the scenes of Huang Shengyi and Andy getting along were full of embarrassment. Andy's face was full of resistance: after confirming his eyes, his mother was a stranger.

Andy was not satisfied with the breakfast carefully prepared by Huang Shengyi; his mother fed him breakfast, and he said that he had grown up and did not need to feed him, but he was very happy when his grandma fed him. Andy acted as if he was deliberately going against his mother.

This is all because the intimacy between Huang Shengyi and Andy is not enough. Andy was raised by his grandmother from 3 months to 3 years old. He has long been accustomed to his mother not being around, and his favorite people are also his grandmother and younger brother.

Emotional bonds are so important. When your child is not close to you from the bottom of his heart, how can you expect him to listen to you and cooperate with you?

So how to establish an emotional bond? The answer is companionship. Just like the title of this book, you are your child's best toy.

Every child longs to be able to get along with his parents without being disturbed. A child can tell who his parents are from the age of 6 months. No matter how many people take care of him, what he values ??most is the happy time with you.

So play with your child. Playing with him can not only release your child's energy, but also make you become closer.

In their little world, playing can both relieve inner emotions and deal with worries. When you accompany him, you will understand your child's emotions better and enter into his world for you. The world provides opportunities.

With a strong parent-child relationship as the foundation, we can provide better guidance. The following are the five steps of emotional guidance: planting seeds, observing and judging, listening, experiencing and understanding the child's feelings, and empathizing.

Most parents with children have once worried about one thing - taking their children to eat out.

Due to physiological limitations, children can easily get sleepy and tired, but they do not have the ability to express their needs accordingly, so the external manifestations may be excessive excitement, screaming and making noise. And this is also a problem we often encounter when we go out.

Now let’s use emotional guidance to see how to spend the time dining out smoothly.

First, plant the seeds. This is to let the children know in advance what we are going to do next, so that they can be mentally prepared. For example, when you go out for dinner tonight, you can bring up this topic in the morning: "Tonight, your parents will take you out to a restaurant for dinner. When you are in the restaurant, you must eat in front of the dining table and don't run around."

Next, it will be more effective to repeat it several times during the day. Finally, on the way to the restaurant, I reminded you again: "We are going to the restaurant to eat now. When we eat, we need to sit on a chair and eat instead of running around."

At the same time, it is best to After sitting down, give your child a toy and interact with it to attract his attention.

Forewarning in advance and planting the seeds of cooperation can make it possible for the whole family to enjoy it.

Then comes observation and judgment. Children have limited endurance and cannot control their emotions. When a child is noisy, you have to pay attention to the reason for the noise and whether there are needs that are not being met. For example, is he hungry, sleepy, thirsty, tired, or overly excited?

Generally, once these needs are met, children can calm down.

Then there is listening, which is crucial to emotional guidance. When your child cannot regain his composure, you might as well listen to his thoughts.

When listening, you should focus on the child and patiently pay attention to the child's thoughts. At this time, it is best for you to squat down, be at eye level with him, make eye contact with him, listen and pay attention to his body language at the same time.

You can start the topic like this: "Baby, mom is still very excited when she notices you. Do you have any ideas that you can tell mom, or do you need mom's help?" Then you just need to listen to the baby attentively. Just fine.

Small babies often cannot express themselves smoothly, so you need to observe their expressions and body language at this time.

Next, you need to feel and understand your child's feelings. When your child expresses his feelings or when you read his emotions from his body language, you need to accept and respond to his feelings. This is also a good time to teach children to express themselves.

Finally, it’s sympathy. When taking your children to eat out, you must be prepared to go home early. Because everything is based on the needs of the child, when he is tired, sleepy, and can no longer hold up, do not force him to sit quietly in his seat. You can choose to pack the food and eat it at home.

As long as you are mentally prepared, eating out will not be a scary thing.

The above are the five steps of emotional guidance. Its focus is to enable children to express themselves without pressure, not to judge or belittle children, to sympathize with children's feelings, and to love and support children unconditionally.

But is emotional guidance the same as doting? No, the difference between emotional guidance and coddling is setting limits.

Setting limits can help children understand what they can and cannot do. Only when children know the boundaries of their behavior will they feel confident in speaking and doing things, and will they be truly confident.

Unconditional love and simple, clear rules are essential. It is difficult for children who have not been strictly controlled by their parents to understand the importance of following the rules.

"The child pushed the pregnant woman downstairs, just to see if she would miscarry", and even the serious "Li Tianyi raped a girl" incident were all because parents did not restrain their children in daily education.

Is setting limits the same as threatening or intimidating children? No, setting limits only allows you to explain to your children the reasons why you can and cannot do certain things, and use logic to convince your children.

The book cites such a case.

5-year-old Jili Anyong Barbie hit 3-year-old Li Cui.

Mom: "Jillian, stop it now. (Take the Barbie doll away from the child), mom knows you are angry now, but hitting is wrong. We use words to solve the problem, tell mom now "What makes you so angry?"

Jillian: "She took away my doll!" (Jillian is still pushing Li Cui)

Mom: "It's wrong to hit someone. Now go to another room with mom to calm down. Li Cui, I'm sorry, are you okay? I'm sorry she hit you. We will be back soon."

Then mom and Ji Lian went to another room together: "Jillian, you really want that Barbie doll, don't you?"

Jillian: "I want it, I like that doll."

Mom: "Okay, mom knows, you like dolls very much. But is it right to hit your friends for this?"

Jillian: "No."

Mom: "Then what will you do next time?"

Jillian: "Don't hit anyone."

Mom: "Then what should you say?"

Jillian: "This is my doll."

Mom: "Maybe you can say, I am playing with it, and when I stop playing, I will let you play with it."

Jillian: "Okay, Mom."

When a child's behavior is out of control, we can take him aside, but be aware that adults should stay with the child Stay together until he calms down enough to talk.

Parents should stand from their children's perspective, accept their children's emotions, and then tell their children how to solve this situation, what behaviors are advisable, and what behaviors are not advisable.

By doing this several times, children will slowly learn how to deal with conflicts.

Complying with the system is a basic skill for survival in modern society. To paraphrase a popular Internet saying, if you don’t teach your children how to be a good person, society will teach it for you.

Written at the end

The above is what I think is the essence of this book. In fact, it can be summarized in one sentence, gentle but firm. In the process of raising children, uphold this attitude and let your children know that I love you, but I will also correct your bad behavior. But even if he makes a mistake, you will love him unconditionally and work with him to correct it.

In this way, you can cultivate a child who is better than you.