Those sarcastic and funny words on the internet

It is said that every person in China touches his mobile phone 150 times a day on average. I smiled: How is this possible? Obviously just once, pick it up when you wake up and put it down before going to bed.

-the netizen said.

2、

(1) Your illness is very serious. (2) But it can still be cured. (3) But it needs a lot of money.

The doctor's three sentences can make you feel the ups and downs of life.

3、

China stock market is a completely speculative market ... enterprises can't get dividends, can't get internal income, and can only earn external income. There is a handling fee for every transaction. All the investors in China are living Lei Feng, working for the securities firm and the country.

-Cao Fengqi, director of Peking University Finance and Securities Research Center, commented on the China stock market.

4、

If a man has private money, he can hide it in the stock market to make sure that no one will find it, because you don't even know where the money has gone.

-big hidden in the city, the stock market.

5、

What do you mean by grabbing a red envelope? Just like the old society, the rich man stood in front of his house and grabbed a copper coin and threw it out. A group of beggars robbed the ground, and the rich man laughed.

-Don't spend all your good fortune on it.

6、

After studying right and wrong for more than 20 years, I found that reality only talks about winning or losing.

Everything has colors, not just black and white.

7、

No jealousy, no pandering, no conversation, no embarrassment.

-the best state for two people to get along.

8、

Once morality is falsified, other frauds cannot be stopped.

-Yi Zhongtian believes that China's hope lies in eight words: keep the bottom line and don't sing high-profile.

10、

Self-portrait 3 thousand, only one.

-Self-cultivation of taking photos in friends circle

1 1、

There are so many dutiful sons online, but it's a pity that your mother doesn't go online.

-Netizens satirized that "children in the circle of friends are the most filial"

12、

My Alipay is not worthy of your shopping cart.

-there is an emotional sadness.

13、

In many cases, these three items are enough to give children the best education: (1) set an example; (3) patience; (4) wait.

It is not difficult to be a good parent.

14、

My mother made me furious. I don't like taking pictures, but she forced me to go, take pictures of me, and then send friends.

-10-year-old girls keep diaries on Children's Day.

15、

A man crossed the street and fell in love. A car crossed the street and hit it. This is called a car accident. Unfortunately, cars always collide and people always have to make way.

-lines in the movie "Tuina"

16、

Mediterranean plait, moustache, wooden glasses, linen shirt, wide-leg pants with beads, drinking zhengshan Jason Chung with a set of fake Ruyao tea set, and talking about nan huaijin and Jiang Xun with his mouth open. ......

-The characteristics of Pan-China civilization

17、

All the anger on the internet is basically due to lack of money; The basic goal of all online inspiration is to make money; All the happiness on the internet is basically rich people.

-The current situation of the Internet

18、

One third of the buildings in China have thresholds; Even crossing the street in the back alley may mean a test of life and death.

ElBaradei is an Englishman and a disabled person who has been in a wheelchair for more than 30 years, but this has not restrained his actions. A few years ago, he started his own trip around the world. He traveled all over the world successfully until he came to China.

19、

Hold your breath, turn your face, bend over and look up.

-Yi Zhongtian comments on Sun Quan.

20、

Every time I bargain, as long as I can cut it down, I feel cheated.

-Bargaining mentality

2 1、

Comparing wages with wages is a shortcut to finding unhappiness.

Don't ask others how much they earn.

22、

Women are like stocks. Stocks that were originally optimistic have been falling since they were bought, and weaknesses and shortcomings that were not seen before have been exposed. Once thrown out, it becomes so cute in other people's hands.

-Men judge women

23、

I buy stocks not to make money, but because it takes brains to analyze stocks, so it is not easy to get Alzheimer's disease.

-Hangzhou 97-year-old man escaped the plunge in stock trading and was banned by the stock god, claiming that stock trading was to prevent Alzheimer's disease.

24、

High emotional intelligence, mainly to make others happy; High IQ is mainly to make yourself happy; IQ is not high, and EQ is not high. The main reason is that if you are unhappy, you will not make others happy.

-IQ and EQ

25、

People dressed up appear in decent places, and when they see the same kind, they are also seen. This is socializing.

-Zhang Ailing

26、

In China, it is difficult to find a qualified restaurant waiter, part-time worker, nanny and so on. China people will not be patient, willing or attentive unless they serve their leaders, such as waiters in the Great Hall of the People.

-Wang Fuzhong, a professor at the Central University of Finance and Economics, talks about the service industry

27、

Chatting with friends, I was deeply impressed by one sentence: "In an immature market, the government has done institutional things to protect the index; Institutions have done retail business, chasing up and down; Retail investors did something institutional and took over the country. "

Ye Tan

28、

10 years old happiness is steaming and eating fresh; 20-year-old happiness is stir-fried, eating is fierce; 30-year-old happiness is already braised in soy sauce, eating aftertaste. As for the future, it is the Buddha jumping off the wall in Micari, with mixed feelings and lasting time.

-Xu Yi's The Taste of Old Times is the complete works of humorous stories on the Internet.

I will try to save money and buy an ATM.

Second, just because I looked at you one more time in the crowd, I became blind later.

Third, real warriors dare to face up to beautiful girls and face bleak singles.

Fourth, it is a sin for beautiful women not to soak.

Fifth, going to work is to carry forward the spirit that a dead mouse can't touch the cold!

6. Since ancient times, there have been no charming mothers on the Internet, but there are several pairs of mandarin ducks and perverted pheasants.

Seven, I like children, I like the process of being a child!

A woman redder than a red diamond falls in love with a man yellower than a yellow diamond. Finally, a mistress who is greener than a green diamond came and gave birth to a son called a member.

Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you will never know who is a fool.

Ten, people who say good night to sleep are often still showing off in an ostentatious manner after half an hour.

Eleven, half of life is unlucky, and the other half is dealing with unlucky things.

The wind is really obscene, and it makes my mouth thirsty.

Thirteen, the sky is falling, you hold it, I hold it!

I wanted to give life a kiss, but reality gave me two slaps. Do you think I can stop kicking him in return?

15. Qian Qian, the son and daughter of the Chinese nation, must be replaced if she fails this time.

Sixteen, with block printing machine, make money quickly.

17. I think it's good to call. Everything I say is valuable.

Only by eating all the time can we maintain a complete personality.

Nineteen, since people get tanned, their faces look good, their teeth turn white, and they don't blush when they drink.

Twenty, get up earlier than the chicken, sleep later than the cat, and earn less hair than the bald man.

Twenty-one, my heart is not a bus, and you can sit down if there is a vacancy.

Twenty-two, hang out, you will get bored sooner or later.

Twenty-three, so lonely, even my desire broke free.

Twenty-four, those who can't lose weight are always in turmoil, and those who don't eat fat are fearless.

You're dressed dangerously, but you look safe.

Twenty-six, ten years ago, I could kill your father with one hand. Ten years later, I can still kill you with one hand ... Go to hell, dead mosquito!

Twenty-seven, when is the time to hug each other? I'm watching.

28. What can be taken away is not something.

Twenty-nine, three points are destined, and seven points depend on dressing up.

30. Looking at beautiful women in the street, you will appreciate them if you look higher; If you look down, you are a rogue.

Thirty-one, because I used to be too sincere, I am heartless now.

Thirty-two, there is a fart, the heart is not good; Do not fart, exercise; I'm going to fart, everyone. Fart rang, everyone applauded!

33. You are the best example of abortion failure!

Ironic remarks _ about irony

Irony _ About Irony _ Irony

Ironic proverbs express people's criticism of things in humorous language. Literally, the expression is straightforward and concise, but it is implied, which often puts the interlocutor in an ironic and degrading position, while the other party is unaware of it. Ironic proverbs are outstanding representatives of language art and the crystallization of wisdom created and summarized by people in long-term social life and interpersonal communication.

Don't touch bricks without tiles (you can't measure the weight, you don't know good or bad, you don't do things quickly, you drag your feet)

A baby with a short belly, ie a short and cunning person.

There are many lumps on the dwarf's stomach.

Love jujube soup (originally referring to women's amorous feelings)

Knock with love

Daoxia

Eight feet of skin.

Eight shoulders can't fart.

Eight sides (metaphor for arrogance and lack of enthusiasm for people)

Pull open the fence and let the dog in.

Pull weeds to find snakes (metaphor for provoking the wicked and asking for trouble)

Shorten the ladder (figuratively speaking, breaking a contract)

Then lick the spit clean.

White with a piece of human skin.

Indulge in wishful thinking

Boiling water is tasteless.

White sugar mouth arsenic heart

Clumsy (meaning very clumsy, with no skills) can't do anything.

Barnyard grass cannot blossom rice, and dogs cannot spit ivory.

Lift a rock on one's own feet/toes.

Half face, half dog face.

A half-catty duck has four mouths (meaning talking too much or talking nonstop)

Take the stairs halfway

I eat watermelon with my teeth.

Go behind the bull's head and deny it

The nose is like an eagle's mouth, and it digs brain blood when doing things.

Work blindly

Close your eyes, eat caterpillars and catch sparrows. Chaos)

The bat can't see himself. Laugh at him, Liang.

Whip a fast cow (metaphor: if the reward and punishment are unknown, the diligent person will be punished instead)

Turned into a pig, but also afraid of killing.

Changed dogs are not afraid of shit.

Chameleon (compared with have it both ways, a person who is good at changing and disguising)

I'm full (metaphor for lazy or incompetent people who can only live on others)

A set on the surface, a set in the heart.

Goose pigeons fly around (Goose pigeons: domestic pigeons. Metaphor villain is always snobbish)

Don't go through the gate, drill a dog hole.

fail to distinguish right from wrong

Dare not pinch stones, only tofu.

You can't ride a horse and complain about the saddle, and you can't climb a mountain and complain about the height.

Lack of knowledge and experience

Don't shit to occupy the pit.

Not afraid of Shan Lang, but afraid of hiding house mice.

Don't be afraid of trouble, and don't talk too fast.

Unkindness, disloyalty, unfilial

If you don't know books, raise a pig.

Don't try to fish, just try to fish in troubled waters.

Don't blame wolves for eating sheep, only blame sheep for going uphill.

Wealth is life, and life is wealth.

Stepped on your tail

Climb up someone else's shoulder.

Flies have to twist their legs when they fly over.

Flies can't see blood and corrupt officials can't see money.

The cursive script does not conform to the character, and the fairy denies it.

Demolish a house, ie do things carelessly and irresponsibly, leaving it in a mess.

Pull the tiger's tail and shake it down.

Can't become a climate

Can't help accomplish anything, but it's easy to destroy everything.

Take advantage of people's danger and hit people when they are down.

Take the wrong medicine

I want to eat to death, but I am afraid of working to death.

Eat like a pig and be angry like a tiger.

Eat the courage of a leopard (figuratively speaking, bold)

How easy it is to talk after eating rushes.

Took ecstasy.

Took the gun medicine.

Eat raw rice (figuratively speaking, people are blunt and irritable)

Eat five grains, miss six grains, and when you become an emperor, you want to live forever (five grains: usually refers to rice millet, yellow rice, millet, sorghum, wheat bran and beans, which is a metaphor for insatiable greed)

Rely on one person and secretly help another.

Eat in a bowl and watch the pot.

Eating people without spitting bones is extremely cruel and cruel to people.

If you eat lice, you have to tear off your foot (metaphorically speaking, anything big or small, as long as it passes through his hand, will take advantage)

Eat a baby without spitting bones (baby: child. Metaphor ruthless diabolical)

Eat a bowl of dog meat for life.

Eating fish is also an attack, and catching fish is also an attack.

Eat in a bowl, watch the pot/bowl, watch the pot/bowl, watch the plate.

If you eat lice, you should expose your feet.

An idiot cat waiting for a mouse

When a servant is a housekeeper, the key doesn't ring. Poke with your hand (poke: poke with your hand to make it sound. Metaphor villain pride will show off)

An ugly gourd can't make a good gourd.

An ugly horse gives birth to a bad pony (Part II: Health)

Ugly people do more mischief, and lazarillo de tormes wear flowers.

Smelly fish looking for rotten shrimp

Bad meat attracts flies and flies look for bad meat.

Paddle on the first day, paddle on the second day: the tools installed at the stern are bigger than paddles. Metaphor procrastination is inefficient)

Wear green to protect green.

Wear new shoes and take the old road (often used to describe dealing with new things and situations with old methods and routines)

Bomb It

Blow the trumpet and lift the sedan chair (figuratively speaking, running for the benefit of others or flattering others)

Talk big.

The spring breeze can't reach the donkey's ears.

There is no silver here (mocking people's stupid behavior, trying to hide it, but revealing the truth)

A smart face is stupid (a person's face is beautiful but not smart).

Smart but poor, working three jobs in a coma.

A wise man corrects his mistakes, but a fool hides them when he sees them.

Smart all one's life, confused for a while/smart all one's life, ignorant for a while.

Rot from the stomach (figuratively speaking, people are insidious and vicious)

strike a pose

Set up a stage to sell tofu, and the sales volume is not large.

Beat quail, beat chicken.

You can't hit a fox to make you coquettish.

Can't beat wild dogs, can't beat domestic dogs/can't beat wolves, can't beat domestic dogs.

Fight the country and kill Han Xin.

You don't have to take it out on sheep to kill a tiger.

Farting doesn't leak slag, usurping the throne doesn't leak skin (metaphorically considerate or stingy)

Breaking the soup pot will raise the flood.

Expect things to go as one wishes.

Don't want to become a monk after fasting

Beat blind and scold dumb.

Move with foxes and rabbits

Play with ducks on the shelf and force the dumb to talk.

Hit yourself in the face until it swells up and looks imposing-self-expanding.

Punch a swollen face and be fat, stand on tiptoe to be the eldest son (stand on tiptoe to land)

daydream

Dream in broad daylight

The soldiers passed and the fence was broken.

Big things are not small things.

Big talk, flashy

When my sister got married, my second sister panicked.

Don't burn incense, make pigs and sheep at the last minute.

Big cat head, mouse tail

Cannons kill mosquitoes.

If you can't do great things, you won't do small things.

The eagle flew over to pluck the hair, and the egg was lighter than the hand.

If you can't catch the tiger, take it out on the cat.

You can't catch rabbits and dogs.

Catch a donkey as a horse.

See God with a granite mind.

Go out and make your own way.

Look at people with colored glasses

As timid as a mouse and as cruel as a wolf.

Gong in front, drum in the back.

People face to face, ghosts are behind.

Face to face, behind-be a two-faced person

People are talking, ghosts are talking nonsense.

The knife is dull and the meat is old.

Give a slap in the face

The east eats sheep's heads and the west eats pig's heads.

Cheap and lovely

If you get three colors, you have to open a dye house.

Get a sheep, lose a cow.

Be reasonable and don't let people.

The winning cat is as happy as a tiger.

I think my wife (wife: wife) if there is a hole in my house

An inch, a foot.

Look at ten, look at a hundred.

Put down the cattle and drive away the mosquitoes (drive: drive)

Put the meat in your mouth and wait for the fish in the river.

Turning petrochemical into gold is not enough to win people's hearts.

Stand on tiptoe to be the eldest son

The hanging neck ghost went to the bank.

Falling leaves are afraid of breaking their heads.

It's windy ten miles away.

If the East fails, the West will also fail.

A hammer is in the east and a stick is in the west.

A hammer in the east, an axe in the west.

I don't know a big word.

I can't read a liter.

Look up at the sky.

I have a stomachache and hate the kitchen god.

Measure others rather than yourself (degree: quantity)

Squatting in the rice cooker will starve to death.

Squat in the rice cooker and starve to death.

Jump into the river to take shelter from the rain (to prevent things from happening, go too far and make things worse)

You don't shave your ass.

Hungry dogs are not afraid of sticks.

Hungry dogs can't break the path of eating shit.

Hungry dogs can't leave the toilet.

Hungry dogs miss birds.

Hungry ghosts supervise the kitchen, how to prohibit it?

Crocodile tears (figuratively speaking, crocodile tears)

Soft-eared (metaphorically speaking, you have no opinion and are easy to listen to flattery or provocation)

It is difficult to get rich.

Dizziness can't stop you from dying, ie putting on airs can't solve the problem.

severance pay

Put a bowl without chopsticks (metaphor is not simple)

Let go of the dog stick and scold the beggar.

Release the cattle thief and catch a pile puller.

Soap bubbles are self-defeating

The wind is blowing from both sides.

It's windy, but it rains little.

A mad dog bites.

Honey mouth, bitter gourd heart, gentleman outside, villain inside.

When you meet a good bully, you are afraid of evil.

Read the book of filial piety in front of the master (master: an ancient title for scholars)

A hopeless situation

Help the wall pull the ladder.

The rich are like a family, and the poor are like a family.

Light a fire with a rolling pin-know nothing about something; Be completely/completely ignorant of [something]

Empty promises will not be fulfilled and will not bring benefits to people.

Work like a bug and eat like a dragon.

As soon as I put down the dog stick, I scold the beggar.

You can't do whatever you want (when choosing a spouse or a job), but it won't degrade your status; Not suitable for higher positions, but unwilling to accept lower positions.

The beggar saw bacon.

Beggars only dig their crotch to keep warm.

Twist your elbow outward.

Scratching boots (figuratively speaking, it is irrelevant and inappropriate to write an article that fails to grasp the theme and main points. Or metaphor does not grasp the key, does not solve the problem, in vain)

Give a stick a needle/give a stick a needle (needle: really homophonic)

No tricolor dyeing room.

Go with people and become a dog.

Play harmony with monkeys

Follow the baton

Cock head, grass chicken head, regardless of this head (grass chicken: hen)

Dogs are greedy for cow dung.

Dogs eat too much cow dung.

The dog wears a hat and pretends to be a good man.

A dog barking at a tiger doesn't know death.

The rivers and mountains may change, but not one's essential nature

A dirty mouth cannot speak decent language.

Dogs have no ivory in their mouths.

Dogs boast that their tails are good (Dong proverb)

A dog poops three piles of shit.

The dog took three piles of shit and couldn't eat it clearly.

The dog in the sedan chair is ungrateful.

The dog licked the millstone and turned in circles.

The chief strategist, King Hu Bao.

The dog's leg is pulled on the sheep's crotch.

The dog's heart is in the donkey's belly.

The dog wagged its tail to show its attention.

dog-eat-dog

Dogs are held together by bones.

Dogs don't spit ivory out of their mouths

Ironic remarks

Ironic remarks

Life with incomplete evolution, aliens with genetic mutations,

Kindergarten-level high school students, frog heads with congenital Mongolian disease,

The abandoned snowman on Mount Everest, the murderer who blocked the septic tank,

Africans fuck the descendants of blacks, chimpanzees with yin-yang imbalance,

Hippopotamus was crushed to death by Noah's ark, and a new volcano erupted.

Large shameless loudspeaker, Eskimo shame,

Cockroaches, semi-plants with declining vitality,

A stinking garbage man, the source of the term "spit",

Dinosaurs that degenerate three times a day, the strongest waste in human history,

The old washing machine that God accidentally dropped, the brainless creature that can think,

The scourge of damaging the reputation of Asian compatriots, the descendants of humiliated ancestors,

Humus deposited for thousands of years, primitive species that scientists dare not study,

10 times the concentration of sedimentary raw oil, disfigured Uncle McDonald,

Damn guy like you:

Can only play a piece of shit in TV series,

Not as delicious as chewing gum spilled by roadside dogs,

Even as handsome as a flower, you are more than 10 times.

If you want to find a girlfriend, you have to go to the zoo or even leave the earth.

If you want to commit suicide, only someone will advise you not to leave the body, so as not to pollute the environment.

The keyboard you touched can't even live with amoeba,

Saliva is more deadly than SARS,

Pretending to be cute can solve the problem of population expansion instantly.

If you are cool and handsome, humans can only reproduce asexually.

Idiots can be your teachers, and retarded people can teach you to speak.

As long as you look up, the ozone layer will break.

I immigrated to Mars to leave you,

If your ugliness can generate electricity, nuclear power plants all over the world can be shut down,

If you go to war, bullets and missiles will fly at you.

Grenade will explode when it sees you,

People are going to fly a plane into Gemini, and you will have the same power as long as you skydive.

All the places of interest you have visited will become historic sites, and the historic sites you have visited will also become history.

18 I will know you only if you have never done anything good in your life and even thrown it into the sun is not environmentally friendly enough.

Anyway, a word: don't let me see you again, if I see you,

I have to kill you!

How to say a person is ugly?

1, long adventure ... creative.

2. Were you kissed by a pig when you were a child?

3. You are patriotic, dedicated and have backbone.

4, really creative, really brave to live!

5. You are so fucking postmodern.

6. You look like a car accident scene.

7. Your appearance is out of proportion.

8. Why cover your face with your ass?

9. I think there are only two kinds of people in the world who can attract people. One is beautiful, the other is you.

10, you look very relaxed! !

1 1, which needs to be rebuilt.

12, how can they call you a pig? This is outrageous! You can't judge a book by its cover! How can you say you look like a pig? That's an insult to pigs.

13, shit, you are so fucking easy to recognize.

14, it looks very sci-fi and abstract!

15, I've seen ugly ones, never seen such ugly ones. It's ugly at first glance, but it's even uglier when you look closely!

16, looks innocent, looks sorry for the people and the party.

17, your growth slows down the network speed, and your growth consumes too much memory.

18, you chased me naked for two kilometers, and I'm a hooligan when I go back!

19, brother, can you lower the resolution on your face?

20. You broke the rules!

2 1, international face universal.

22. I looked at him sadly and said, "Can the operation be cured?"

23. Your appearance has broken through human imagination. ...

24. You are a fauvism! !

25, you haven't fully evolved, elephant man is really hard for you.

26. I want to see you talk, but why do you bury your face in your ass? ... oh? Sorry, I didn't know it was your face. What about your ass?

I don't want to hurt you either. Go to the zoo to see if there is a job suitable for you. You are easy to be shot by an inspector running around the street like this.

28.MMD, I have never seen anything so archaeological.

29. Flying dragons and flying sands are fantastic.

What can't you do? There is nothing to eat.

There is an orangutan in the zoo, which is very ugly. I spit, he spit, and you spit.

If I had known you were so disappointing, I shouldn't have had sex with a couple in the first place. The 60 lights are still on! Thank you. I specialize in helping people solve problems. I don't care about the rest! 1, I have been friends with you for so long, and you have always cared about me, but I often give you trouble. I really don't know how to answer you. Therefore, in the next life, if you are a cow and a horse, I will definitely pull weeds for you to eat.

If you are a meteor, I will chase you. If you are a satellite, I will wait for you. If you were a star, I would fall in love with you. Too bad you are an orangutan!

Meeting you is the beginning of my heart. Falling in love with you is my happy choice; Having you is my most precious wealth; Stepping into the red carpet is my eternal motivation. Unfortunately-I sent it to the wrong person.

Because of you, I believe in fate. Maybe all this is predestined by heaven, and it is God who has brought us together. What I want to say now is-what crime did I commit in my last life?

Starting from tomorrow, the city has decided to drive away all the mentally retarded young people who are ugly and detrimental to the city appearance! Hurry up and pack your things, go out for shelter from the rain, and don't tell anyone that I informed you, remember! You are welcome!

6. God saw your desire and created water; God saw that you were hungry and created rice; God saw that you had no lovely friends and created me; However, he also saw that there is no idiot in this world and created you by the way.

7. It is a pleasure to miss you! Loving you is what I will always do! Keeping you in mind is what I have been doing! However, lying to you is how to return a responsibility!

8. According to statistics, more than 99.9% people who look like pig heads read short messages with thumb buttons! Hey, hey, don't change hands, it's too late, pig!

9. If it is a mistake to be beautiful, then I am all wet; If being smart is a crime, I have committed a heinous crime, and it is really difficult to be a human being. But you're fine. You are right and innocent. I really envy you!

10, if you burn incense for one year, you will encounter incense for three years, and it will take you 10 to cherish you. Therefore, for the happiness of my next life, I am willing to change my belief in Jidu!

1 1 It took you eight years to resist Japan. As soon as you left Japan, you fled back. Thinking of China is a painful memory, which will affect future generations.

12 You are hazy, you are abstract, and your hair is so long (I'll be satisfied if you play Sadako). Don't make me talk about you, I can't, because I have never seen a ghost (very suitable for Skeleton).