Dare not criticize? No criticism? Correct criticism makes children optimistic.

My daughter had a conflict with her grandfather because she was watching the computer. She angrily put her rice bowl upside down at the dinner table. I think her mood is very intense, so I have to appease her first. But I think I should criticize her for wasting food. After thinking for a long time, I gave up for fear that she would get angry again.

My daughter promised to finish her homework by hand, but this time, she began to lie on the ground and didn't cooperate. I criticized her angrily: always. If you can't do what you promised your mother, you are breaking your promise.

Think about it, similar scenes appear in parenting every day. I don't know if you are as confused as I am: children make mistakes, sometimes they dare not criticize her, worry that good emotions are not easy to calm down and repeat, and feel that things are not big, forget it; Sometimes if I don't criticize her, I will have a little aftertaste when I say it, and I will be unhappy if I don't say it.

Dare not criticize, will not criticize, but criticizing children is a high-frequency scene in our parenting, so what is the correct criticism method?

Dr Zhao Yukun shared a critical method of positive psychology in self-education: criticism leads to optimism. Parents who dare not criticize and will not criticize are worth learning from.

Criticism leads to optimism, that is, if criticism is good, children can be optimistic.

This has solved a misunderstanding of many parents-criticism is a blow to children, hurting children, weakening their self-confidence, and may become self-destructive and broken.

It can only be said that the wrong criticism method does have such consequences, so the correct criticism method is more worth learning.

The correct method of criticism is "don't magnify mistakes infinitely, saying that children always make mistakes, make mistakes everywhere, and the whole person is at fault." On the contrary, this mistake should be regarded as temporary, scene-specific and not involving personality problems. "

Point out the mistakes, limit the scene, and don't expand vertically.

When children grow up, mistakes are inevitable. It's easy for parents to connect these points. They come across an old book that has been revised for several years and blurt out "Why do you do this every day" and "How many times have I said it" ... The implication behind it is that you are always making mistakes.

Imagine a vertical time axis. Parents subconsciously count all the mistakes this time on this timeline and continue to accumulate until the next time.

This negative hint will send a signal to the child: I did something wrong this time, it doesn't count. I used to do it often and will continue to do it in the future. If children learn this negative psychology after listening more, they will naturally lose self-confidence and give up on themselves. My parents won't listen to anything they say. Anyway, they have been labeled as solidified.

I criticized my daughter who didn't do her homework, "You always do this". In fact, I just don't understand that "mistakes are temporary." Don't treat mistakes with fixed thinking, but with growing thinking.

Pointing out mistakes is limited to this scene, which is irrelevant. It is also using the power of example to establish "growth thinking" for children.

Point out the mistakes, limit the scene, and don't spread it horizontally.

The child obviously just stuffed paper towels and wasted paper towels into the toilet, but his parents criticized him for "wasting things." This means that children not only waste paper towels, but also waste food, paper and pens and money. ...

In addition to expanding vertically on the time axis, parents also like to expand horizontally to any scene when criticizing. The same problem, you will not only make mistakes in this scene now, but also make mistakes in countless other scenes. This horizontal expansion of the impact, it is easy for children to learn to be pessimistic or give up.

I criticized my daughter for "not being able to do anything promised". The implication is that she can not only promise her mother to finish her homework by herself, but also fail to do many other things, such as "promise to get up on time", "promise to exercise every day" and "promise to listen carefully in class". In fact, children can do anything else. I accidentally hit her confidence.

When criticizing children, it is limited to this scene, regardless of left and right, so that parents can look at this mistake calmly and objectively.

Pointing out that mistakes do not involve personality issues and do not commit the fallacy of "landslide"

When criticizing children, the worst thing is often the last sentence. Many parents' pet phrases are "Why are you so ignorant", "You are dishonest" and "You can't go anywhere".

These words have begun to directly accuse children of their personal qualities, which will make children doubt themselves. "I am a bad boy, because I am not sensible/honest/worthless, so I will make these mistakes, and I will make bigger mistakes in the future."

My daughter promised me to finish my homework by hand. If she doesn't do it, I will accuse her of "you just don't keep your word" and it will become a personality attack. These attacks actually weaken children and make it more difficult for them to do what they want.

The reason why parents easily raise small mistakes to the level of personality is actually because they have committed the fallacy of "landslide theory" of logical thinking, that is, every small problem is always imagined by parents as the worst result. If they don't keep the agreement once, they will break their promise. If they don't keep their promises, they will have no way to gain a foothold in society. If they can't stand on their own feet, they may accomplish nothing. When I think about it, I feel that the consequences of this breach of trust are too serious. In fact, if you look closely, these inferences have no logic at all. Parents should be aware of their own thinking tendency.

When criticizing children, we should tell the truth and avoid the fallacy of involving personality problems and creating a "landslide".

Correct criticism helps children become optimistic.

Children's mistakes are temporary mistakes in specific situations and do not involve personality problems. Parents only need to objectively point out mistakes, which is the correct criticism method.

For example, my daughter promised me to finish my homework by hand but didn't carry it out, so I didn't have to think about her other mistakes and eventually got angry. What I want to do is to guide her in a positive way: why don't you follow the process today? You have actively followed and implemented the process we discussed. Last time you told your mother that you had played and learned, and it felt great to get it all done.

Next, I can support my daughter and act together to help her complete the task together. Or discuss with her, if she really doesn't want to do it now, when can we finish this task again.

Why can this method make children optimistic? Dr Zhao Yukun thinks it is necessary to find out the reasons for people's optimism first. Optimism, not telling, and firmly believing that the future must be beautiful will only make children break their heads in front of reality. Optimism is to correctly analyze the causes of problems or setbacks, find out where you can change, and then try to change next time and do your best.

It can be seen that optimism is actually a kind of "growth thinking", and it is the change of mentality that brings about the change of action. True optimism is not not not facing problems or setbacks, but knowing that "when problems or setbacks come, I have the ability to face and change", so that children will not be afraid or afraid of problems or setbacks, but actively respond.

Parents are often particularly nervous when their children make mistakes. If parents can master the correct methods of criticism, I think this kind of nervousness will also be alleviated, and their mentality will become peaceful, so that they can cope with these daily episodes and accidents more calmly.

When we began to learn and practice correct critical methods, we thought that "a good thing is the opportunity to cultivate children's optimism". Once we have this idea, it shows that we also have a "growth thinking" and an optimistic attitude.

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