The poorer the family, the more rules there are. What restricts your children may be what you call "upbringing"

A few days ago, my grandmother came here to see a doctor and stayed in my house for a few days.

My child is over two years old, which is the age of "grinding people". He is disobedient and mischievous. You'll never guess what he will do next.

At the beginning, the mother-in-law can seriously preach and patiently tell the children that this can't be moved and that can't be done.

But the child didn't listen at all, and she couldn't bear to fight, so she began to complain to us.

"Good boys are taught like this by you. If you are in the countryside, I don't know how miserable you will be scolded behind your back. The child has no education at all, and you don't know how to worry. What do you think he will do when he grows up! "

Three days later, the child was packed and obedient. He began to speak carefully, and would see if his grandmother was nearby before taking something. ...

I know my grades are not convincing enough, so I won't argue with her.

However, these things inevitably make me think a lot.

Let's talk about my personal experience. I really want to tell her that the poorer the family, the more rules there are, and what limits your children may be what you call "upbringing."

When I was a student, I had many good friends, but until now, I can't even remember the names of a large number of them.

However, I will never forget a primary school classmate. We have a very simple friendship, but we have been drifting away by an invisible force.

His name is Kun. He transferred to our class in the third grade and happened to be at my deskmate.

I got good grades at that time, but I also knew that it was the result of my hard work, and his grades were good, but I always felt that he didn't pay much attention to his studies.

In later contact, I gradually learned that he was originally a city dweller, but for some reason, he was taken back to his grandmother's house in the country for foster care by his mother.

I haven't figured out the specific reason yet. Anyway, he has been what we call a "left-behind child" for a long time.

How good is our relationship? We are a boarding school, we share meals (all the dishes are brought from home), and we don't care what we wear.

He has only been here for half a year, probably because he is young and not really affected by his parents' divorce, so he is still a very cheerful person. He plays well and studies well, so I envy him.

Our friendship deteriorated for the first time, which should be after he came to my house for half a day in the next semester of Grade Three.

Before my father died, our family conditions were very good in the local area. There is a TV at home and meat for every meal. He was very happy, saying that his father's family used to have a TV and had good food at home, and then he wolfed it down regardless of the image.

When he left, my mother gave him a red envelope with 20 yuan in it. In rural areas in the early 1990s, 20 yuan was a "huge sum" for many families.

I saw him again when I went back to school on Sunday night, but I obviously felt that something was wrong with him.

When he wanted to return the 20 yuan to me anyway, I realized that he had been beaten by his grandmother when he got home.

Of course, I don't want money. When asked about the reason for being beaten, he said that his grandmother said that he had been playing in other people's homes and eating at other people's homes, which was "very uncultured". How can you accept so much money from others without relatives?

Another week later, he invited me to his house to play. I didn't think much. I greeted my cousin at my school and went with him.

Only then did I know that his grandmother's family was really poor, and the house was in tatters and had not been repaired.

His grandmother is very enthusiastic and has always been caring and attentive. After all kinds of inquiries, I should call her "uncle and grandmother".

Then there was obvious "discrimination". He was very strict with Kun Kun, who listened carefully and dared not argue. For example, staring at him all the time while eating, "Don't make any noise", "Holding a bowl in your hand", "Don't tilt your feet" and so on, but he didn't ask me.

In my family, my father has many rules, but most of them give a bottom line, and most of them are just requirements for me and others, such as being modest to my peers and respecting my elders.

I was also sad to see Kun's hands tied behind his back.

When I left, his grandmother gave me 20 yuan, with a bag of cakes that I don't know how long it was left. I can't refuse her attitude.

Since then, there seems to be something missing between Kun Kun and me. Although I take the initiative to play with him, he always seems to refuse and want to stay away from me.

I am very angry and sad about this!

There are so many things I can't understand.

We were classmates until the third grade, during which many things happened in my family.

My father left, my illness took away most of my savings, and then my mother took away everything. Anyway, my life and temperament have changed a lot

He and I occasionally go to each other's house to play, but he is obviously different from when he first came to my house, and he is always restrained.

One day, he told me that his father was back and he was moving back to the city and invited me to stay at his house for one day.

Dad is back, what a wonderful thing! But my father will never come back!

With such sadness, I went to his house. They live in a building with little furniture, but they are very neat, which is very different from our countryside.

This time, it's my turn to be at home. I said hello to my mother before I went to his house. My mother has always disagreed, saying that city people have money, and our family can't afford it then. If you want to go, you should pay more attention and don't cause trouble to others.

At his home, I saw the color TV for the first time and ate pineapples and big oranges (grapefruit) that I had never seen before.

The floor of their house is very clean and spotless. I'm too embarrassed to walk around sitting there.

Eating and chewing, I only moved the food in front of me. The small bowl was already very small, but I was embarrassed to add rice. ...

Since then, his personality has gradually become cheerful, but I have been unhappy, and then deliberately alienated him-I just want to spend all my time studying and comfort my hardworking mother with better grades.

Later I went to college, and he only went to junior college.

Later, he became the boss and I went to work in 996.

The gap between us is getting bigger and bigger, and the intersection is getting less and less.

I know that the power that determines all this comes not only from our poor family, but also from my poor self-esteem-I work harder than you and get better grades than you. Why am I worse than you?

When I had a child and the child had a grandmother from a poor rural family, I gradually understood a lot of things.

Seeing the child who was tied up by her grandmother and dared not do anything, I thought of Kun and myself after my father died.

I found that the poorer the place, the more parents and elders pay attention to "education" and there are many rules.

Children can't do anything well, and they worry that naughty children will "grow up".

On the other hand, in those places with good family circumstances, it seems that there are few such rules.

But their children, like Kun I met for the first time, learn well and play well compared with children in rural areas.

Like most rural children, I am not very clever. Under the high demands of parents or myself, I castrated my hobbies through hard work and made some seemingly good academic achievements.

We have learned a lot of knowledge, but we have no ability to turn knowledge into wisdom. We have always known that "personal connections" are very important resources, but we are alienated from those who are better than ourselves because of the immature values brought by the "family education" we accepted since childhood.

Then we found a very unacceptable phenomenon: many people who were admitted to the North did not rely on our efforts and hard work. They learn more, play more and have more resources than you. Even if children in rural areas are admitted to universities, they generally don't get along very well, and they sigh every day in their life where they can see their heads at a glance.

Why? Why is this happening?

I've been thinking about this problem for many years.

It turns out that people are all the same, and they will sum up some right and wrong things in life and then use them to educate their children. Children with some characteristics of the former will be praised as "educated".

However, what is the essence of things? In fact, it's just to ensure that there is no problem in your life.

When materials are scarce, we will be careful, because we can't afford the accident caused by the child's "uncultivated"-we are actually using the so-called "education" to restrain the child so that he won't fall into the predicament we can't afford.

Many times we want our children to be obedient because we are lazy, and we want our children to be "educated" because we will have face.

All along, we all know how to "do what we can", which is actually not right or wrong. As long as there is no extreme indulgence and bondage, people will go through life in their own specific environment.

However, people are social animals after all, and everyone has an instinctive need: to find a sense of identity.

We all tend to follow people who agree with our own ideas, and all our interpersonal relationships are also "opposing the similarities and differences."

It is this sense of identity that affects a person's upper limit and limits his development.

I am an educated person, I pay great attention to rules, I listen to my parents, I think I am right, and then I will find or meet people who have the same ideas as me. We are all people who know the rules and finally become acquaintances or good friends.

I don't care to make friends with someone who is so ignorant, rich and good at studying!

A superficial person, find another superficial person, then praise each other and gain a sense of identity.

A group of frogs at the bottom of the well came together, and after heated discussion, they reached a consensus that the sky is bigger than the wellhead. Don't listen to their nonsense!

Based on people's psychological needs for identity, people unconsciously "isolate themselves" and "stratify themselves".

It is difficult for the poor to enter the circle of the rich. Even if they are interested in approaching, they may have some unspeakable purpose and contempt and prejudice. It is difficult for them to find a sense of identity, such as the concept of consumption and parenting.

The "upbringing" that the poor value most is probably nothing more than "pediatrics" that children will understand sooner or later in the eyes of the rich.

It looks as simple as that.

I feel more and more that what limits your children may be what you call "education".

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