Are there any funny jokes?

In fact, people often come into contact with jokes. For example, I like telling jokes very much. I always tell some jokes from time to time at various dinners, or tell something that can cause laughter. It may also be related to my mentality. I like watching jokes and telling jokes, which makes my age look much younger than my actual age.

do you know Buddhist scriptures? Very tall things, in fact, there are many principles of being a man, all expressed in a humorous way. Telling more jokes, watching more jokes and doing things in a humorous way can really change our mentality. And many embarrassing scenes can also be resolved with humorous jokes.

ok, get to the point. I'll sort out some jokes for you.

I don't know if you've seen A Wide Record of Laughing Forest? This is a set of jokes in the strict sense of ancient China, and its classification is based on the "department". For example, official jokes are assigned to the Gu Yan department, and monks' jokes are assigned to the Buddhist and Taoist departments. Then I'll also learn this professional joke collection, and summarize the jokes at the main stages of life for everyone, so that all kinds of people can summarize them for everyone's convenience. Campus jokes (2)

1. Takeaway

It's very cold outside today, so the dormitory decided who was wearing less clothes and let him go downstairs to get takeout. I thought I'd take off my clothes and see how you let me go down and get it. Unexpectedly, they immediately got together and took a photo, and suddenly they found a very terrible thing: threatening me to go down and get it.

2, lovelorn

My roommate was lovelorn, so we all advised him to cheer up and said, "Actually, your girlfriend may not feel well."

My roommate said, "If you feel bad, it proves that she still likes me. Then why did you abandon me?"

"this. . 。” I quoted the classics as saying, "It's probably called abandonment with joy!"

3. Date

One day, the Chinese teacher was reading Yong Yule Jingkou Beigu Pavilion Nostalgia.

I said to my deskmate, "Is this word written by Xin Qiji?"

My deskmate gave me a look and interrupted me: "How should I know? Maybe it's Sunday! "

4. Exam

The exam has started. Pick up the paper and look at it. You can't do a single question!

So I took risks, picked up my textbook and rummaged through the answers.

The invigilator couldn't stand it anymore: "This classmate, take a chemistry test. Why are you so eager to turn over physics books?" "

5. Lunch

At the morning meeting, the dean shouted with a loud speaker: Which of your classmates locked the bicycle with the tricycle that delivered food at the entrance of the canteen, please untie it quickly! What do you want for lunch? !

6. Cooking

I rented a house off campus with some classmates, and it was my turn to cook at noon.

As a result, they were all playing poker in the living room, and I was angry.

roared, "I worked so hard that no one came to help me.".

As a result, those idiots came to line up and one of them hit me on the hand.

7. Cheating

The day before the exam, the boy said to Ban Hua, "You should wear less for the exam tomorrow!"

Ban Hua asked in surprise, "Why? ！”

The boy said, "In this way, the invigilator only stares at you, so we can cheat!"

8. Laughing Fart

At school, a classmate farted a loud fart during a self-study class, and the whole class laughed.

Soon the patrolling teacher came in and asked, "What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at?".

suddenly the whole class burst into laughter again!

9. Allergy

In class today, while the teacher was giving a lecture, a classmate sneezed loudly. The teacher looked at the classmate and asked, Are you allergic to this knowledge? . .

me. . . Teacher, you know this.

1. Clever

In class, the teacher said to a student who always can't: Even a pig is smarter than you!

Then the teacher said to me: Tell him about this classmate!

11. Difference

I bought a bag of apples and said to my roommates, "Let's have an apple each."

My roommate brought a bag of grapes and said to everyone, "Let's take a grape each. "

12. Losing money

When cooking in the canteen, I accidentally knocked over a kettle beside me and smashed it. When I turned around and saw that it was a beautiful woman, I thought, It seems that a romantic campus romance is about to start, and I said apologetically," I'll pay you tomorrow! "

I saw the girl with a charming smile and said, "No need. . . Just lose money now! "

13. Class

Roommate: Why are you in class?

I: I woke up and came ~ Why did you come to class?

my roommate rubbed his eyes and said, I can't sleep.

14. Candy

Teacher: What products are produced in the West Indies?

my classmate: I don't know.

teacher: oh, you should know. Where does your sugar come from?

classmate: my neighbor borrowed it.

15. Sleeping posture

One night, a classmate got up and saw that the sleeping posture of the classmate in the lower berth was extremely indecent.

the next morning, he said to the classmate in the lower berth, "I find that you sleep like a marshal!" "

The classmate was overjoyed. "Thank you. Can you tell me who the marshal is?"

"Marshal Tianpeng!"

16. Exam

A roommate is preparing for the official exam. After reading it, he will say, "Why are there all kinds of questions in this exam?" . . Astronomy, geography, humanities and history. "

Another roommate added, "People talk at work, so who will talk to you if they don't have a wide range of knowledge?". . 。”

suddenly speechless. . .

17. I was moved

A buddy broke his foot playing football, and I led all the golfers to visit him.

I went to the bedside and said, "Are you touched that so many of us have come to see you?"

"Don't dare to move, it hurts ..."

18. Rats

University dormitories are often visited by rats, so everyone thought of a way to lure them into being fooled by mixing a bag of peanuts with rat poison.

the next day, I found that there was not a peanut kernel left, but there was no shortage of rat poison.

Everyone can't help but sigh: "Rats also graduated from undergraduate courses!"

19. Wish

While the teacher was giving a lecture, the students kept chattering below.

The teacher slapped the blackboard eraser angrily, and the classroom was suddenly silent.

The teacher said, "In the past, when a county magistrate adjudicated a case, it was like this, and the hall was silent."

Suddenly, a student shouted, "Wrong!"

2.

Unexpectedly, I took in four cheat sheets, but I couldn't find two when I came out. Later, something I was worried about finally appeared: failing the exam.

Then something unexpected happened: it was announced as a case at the student meeting, and some students didn't know how to use cheat sheets, so they handed in ... social jokes (2)

1. Convenience

After defecating in the Woods, they found that they didn't bring toilet paper, so they called their friends for help.

Friend: You can just find a leaf!

me: this is a pine forest! ! !

2. Master

walked past an Internet cafe, just in time for Pol.ice to make a surprise check on minors' surfing the Internet, and several students were called out.

when Pol.ice asks one of them: "occupation."

The man replied, "Master". . .

3. Shopping Mall

An old country lady wandered around a big shopping mall in the city. Because the gate of the mall is a revolving door, the old lady turned in and out with her head down. . .

When she looked up, she was shocked and said, "What a big shopping mall! There are cars running in it!"

4. Steamed bread

After work, I went to sell steamed bread. A buddy in front of me pinched a steamed bread and shouted, "Boss, you didn't just come out!" They are all cold. "

The boss said disdainfully: In such a cold day, try standing here naked.

5. Wait a minute

In the operating room, the doctor asked a patient about his smoking history.

"Grandpa, do you smoke?"

Grandpa pouted and said, "I'm not in the mood now. Wait a minute!"

6. Express delivery

On a hot summer day, I looked at the sweaty courier and handed him a bottle of German beer. He gulped it down and burped and asked me what to send.

I said, "You drank it. . 。”

7. Party

A: At a party, I saw a woman singing on the stage, which was very ugly. So I asked a man next to me, "Who is that? It's so ugly!"

B: "that's my wife."

A: "oh, I'm not saying that she sings too badly, but that the lyrics writer writes too badly."

B: "I wrote the lyrics."

A：。 . . . . .

8. Mending shoes

Me: "Master, how much does it cost to repair these shoes?"

master: "five dollars!"

me: "It's only a matter of two or three dollars."

Master: "There are two spikes, and the other three are my mental damage compensation. Young man, your shoes are spicy eyes! "

9. Oil price

Reporter: "What do you think of the rising oil price?"

Angry Brother: "Can you swear?"

reporter: "not so good!"

Angry Brother: "That's nothing to say."

1. Overtime

An Internet company recruited a Japanese to do research and development, and on the first day of work, he said to his colleagues in the department, "I was an overtime freak when I was working in Japan, and I came home late every day. I hope everyone can keep up with me."

A month later, he resigned and returned to Japan. Before he left, he said to us, "It is inhuman for you to work overtime like this and often sleep in the company."

11. Tools

A cleaner was sweeping the floor outside and suddenly wanted to go to the bank, so he rushed in with a broom.

The security guard won't let me in, and the cleaner said, "Hold this for me, and don't break it. This is my vehicle. . . 。”

12. It happened that

I was bored when I was idle. I picked up my mobile phone and remembered if my previous number was used.

I dialed the number and a man answered it. When I was nervous, I said I was selling insurance, thinking that the other party would die.

As a result, the man said, "Then introduce me carefully. I just want to buy it."

13. Your sister

I have an aunt, who is only a few years older than me. Once, I went shopping arm in arm with my aunt, and the passing class teacher found me. I went back to tell my mother that I saw puppy love, and my mother asked me what happened that day. I silently thought about it and said, Ask your sister ... My mother suddenly drew a mouth.

14. Buying a ticket

Today, I bought a ticket at the train sales agency. In front of me, an uncle was buying a ticket, and he said, Buy a ticket.

The ticket seller MM asked him for his ID card. He silently took out a household registration book and gave it to the ticket seller MM, asking: How many copies do you want?

Grandpa's domineering answer: buy a hukou book ...

15. House price

The house price is actually not expensive, and the bra is much more expensive than the house. A good bra, 6 yuan, covers an area of only .2 square meters.

Based on this calculation, one square meter bra is more than 3, yuan. According to the national average commercial housing price of 1, yuan, the bra is equivalent to 3 times the house price.

if the service life of a bra is only one year, and the average life of a commercial house is about several decades, the actual price of the bra is equivalent to 3 times the house price.

it can be seen that the house price is not expensive!

16. Lying in the trough

"Boss, how much is this jacket?"

"1"

"Sleeping trough, so expensive, what about this one next to it?"

"that's a new model, with two bedrooms."

17. Telephone

One person received the phone several times, and the other party said, Secretary Wang, are you at home? I want to come to your house.

he said it was a wrong number.

But a few days later, the man called again and said, Secretary Wang, are you at home? I want to come to your house.

he was really impatient, so he said, then come here.

after that, the phone never came again.

18. Bookkeeping

A citizen told the mayor that the excavator digging the road cracked the water pipe in front of their house and leaked a lot of water.

The mayor immediately called the water company to inquire, and then comforted the public, saying, "Don't worry, the water company said it wouldn't miss anything, so it will be put on your bill next month."

19. Changes

An economist who has been abroad for many years returned to China to give lectures. A reporter interviewed him, "What do you think of the statement about the domestic economic miracle?"

"It's amazing that everyone is getting healthier and healthier. Ten years ago, if you bought rice for 1 yuan, it would take a big man to carry it. Now a primary school student can go home with one hand. "

2. Official kiln

Q: "How much is a pile of hollow bricks like this?"

a: "2 yuan."

Q: "The battalion chief came to buy it, why only 15 yuan?"

A: "The director only needs 5 yuan to buy it."

q: "why?"

a: "this is the official kiln." Workplace jokes (2)

1. Taste

Two colleagues walked side by side and came face to face with the personnel manager (beauty). After greeting, one said, "It smells good, I don't know what perfume to use."

another one: "This smell is either Liushen or honeysuckle."

2. Business card

A new MM salesman has been recruited. He is beautiful, but he has just graduated from college for half a year and is inexperienced.

Today, I took her to visit a customer. When exchanging business cards with the customer, the customer said: This printed business card is ugly.

MM, who has been silent all the time, put in a sentence without hesitation: Did you print your head on a business card?

3. Songs

I work as a salesgirl in a children's clothing store, where there are all kinds of children's songs. . . Hey, hey, hey, hey. . .

When I was standing at the door, a song began to play in the shop: A pug, standing at the gate. . .

4. Confrontation

Boss: A donkey was disobedient when pulling the mill, and made a deal with its owner, who finally skinned it.

Employee: A wolf was too vicious. In order to satisfy his greedy desire, he killed all the sheep on the grassland and finally starved himself to death.

5. Speech

When the new leader took office, he made a report and read the speech from January to February until December. When he looked down, the audience was empty!

The leader asked his secretary in surprise, "When did everyone leave?"

The secretary replied, "Since February, there has been no one until the end of July."

6. Surprise

Prices keep rising, but wages never go up. I decided to find an opportunity to attack our stingy boss.

At noon, I met my boss in the elevator, and I said, "Alas, the price of meat has risen again recently, and vegetables are too expensive. Life is hard!"

The boss turned to look at me with a thoughtful expression. I was secretly pleased. It seems that my words have attracted the attention of my boss.

in the afternoon, the company issued a notice: in view of the recent increase in the price of meat and vegetables, the lunch was changed from two meats to one vegetarian.

7. Eat

Before going to the bathroom for lunch today, I happened to see the boss coming out of it, so I asked, "Did you eat?"

The boss smiled and didn't answer.

I suddenly realized that I had put my foot in my mouth.

Then I went to the canteen to eat, and the boss was waiting in line to cook. In order to make up for my mistake, I bravely took the initiative to say hello: "I haven't eaten yet, I thought you had."

8. Puppy

After lunch today, everyone gathered in the manager's office to chat.

As we chatted, the topic got to the names of the pets.

The manager asked me, "What's your puppy's name?"

I said, "Name bonus.