"After three years of marriage, my husband still sleeps in the same bed as my mother-in-law ...": Can you stand this symbiotic mother-child relationship?

I remember reading a social news before.

A mother-in-law reported to the police that her daughter-in-law was making a scene at home. The police came to the door to mediate and found out that the reason for her noise was that she and her husband had been married for three years, but her husband slept in the same bed with her mother-in-law for several days every month.

And her mother-in-law even said to her, "Anyway, she has given birth to their grandson. Let's get a divorce and let herself live with her son."

I thought the news was ridiculous at that time, but I have heard many stories of similar nature in recent years.

My husband walked around naked in front of my mother-in-law, and her mother-in-law went into the bathroom without scruple when her husband was taking a bath, and even her mother-in-law would go into the bedroom at will to help her husband cover the quilt. When the wife expressed dissatisfaction, the husband felt that he was making a mountain out of a molehill.

When the wife and husband reorganized their new family, the mother-in-law followed her, always paying attention to her son and always asking him to pay attention to her as before. This intimate relationship shows that the daughter-in-law is an outsider.

I have to say that this phenomenon is ultimately because too many boys are still in a relationship with their mothers, and the sense of boundaries is still vague.

The absence of father is the chief culprit of the birth of mother and son.

In China's relationship, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most discussed, and it is rare to hear people complain that they are at odds with their father-in-law.

In many stories, the role of father-in-law seems to be invisible, which also reflects that the unhealthy relationship between mother and son has a lot to do with the lack of male authority in family of origin.

A female friend of mine once complained to me that when they were planning their wedding, everyone was in a hurry, but his father-in-law was like an invisible man, whether he asked or not. He doesn't mind telling him a little thing once in a while. She said that her father-in-law usually doesn't care about anything at home and doesn't do housework. In recent years, the important decisions at home have been discussed by husband and mother-in-law.

This also made her discover that her husband listened to her mother very much, and her mother-in-law would naturally chat with her husband every night. Her parents are short, happy and unhappy, and seem eager to share with her husband.

She said helplessly that if her mother-in-law and her father-in-law had something to say, her mother-in-law might not pay so much attention to her husband.

Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that the importance of the father's role is that it is easier to separate children from their mothers. Before the age of three, the baby and mother are close. After the age of three, the responsibility of parents is to encourage their children to move towards a new life.

Father can help, because separation itself is not easy. First, the mother is reluctant to let go, and then the child is full of fear of the outside world.

At this time, the father, as his wife's companion, can witness the independence of the child with her and reduce his wife's worries. In the eyes of children, the father is the first symbol of the outside world. They establish rules to help children resolve hostility, which is the strong image of children internalized.

But many times, the lack of male role is not because he is unwilling to take responsibility. When the intimate relationship between husband and wife cools down in the baptism of years, the focus of life changes, and insecure women will be at a loss for their husbands' unexpected alienation. So they turned their attention to their children.

There, they will gain a sense of control, but they will also push their husbands farther and farther. When men feel neglected by their families, they will look for a sense of dependence from the outside world, such as focusing more on their work. In my family, I gradually got used to playing the role of a tool man.

In this way, the relationship between mother and child will become deeper and deeper, and it will become more and more difficult to separate.

The daughter-in-law married her mother-in-law.

When children grow up, they can only enter the society as a mature individual if they are independent from their parents. And children who are always born with their mothers are deeply immersed in sticky love and can't break free.

Even if such children grow up and form a new family, as long as their mothers are around, they will degenerate into dependence on their mothers. They are used to seeking the protection and care of their mothers. And if the wife and mother have conflicts, they will either speak for their mother, or choose silence and leave the embarrassing situation to their mother.

Recently, netizens are talking about the marriage between Bea Hayden and Jacky, precisely because Jacky is like a huge baby husband. In their marriage, her mother-in-law Xiang Tai is more like a married person of Bia Hayden.

Bea Hayden often posts in the middle of the night, and she must have been wronged in her life. Last month, she wrote that she felt that people around her were always consuming her without a lower limit.

Her mother-in-law Xiang Tai also replied to her as soon as possible, saying that she missed her and would take her back to Taipei to reunite with her family as soon as possible.

Not long after, she made an unforgettable remark on Weibo and turned off the function of Weibo. Netizens are wondering if there is something wrong with her marriage with Jacky.

However, Xiang Tai forwarded this Weibo the first time, and comforted Bea Hayden and defended her on the Weibo to avoid being guessed by netizens.

I have to say that these replies from Xiang Tai have made netizens lament the warmth of this mother-in-law, but more netizens are questioning, where is her husband Jacky? Why does his mother always come forward to comfort his wife every time she encounters emotional problems?

However, looking back at the love history of Bea Hayden and Jacky, we may find that the problem of their marriage lies in the strength of their mother-in-law and the immaturity of their son. They started with the acquaintance of Xiang Tai and Bea Hayden in the variety show. Xiang Tai liked Bi Hayden very much, and later asked her son to take the initiative to get to know her.

With Xiang Tai's efforts, the two married naturally. However, Jackie's invisibility may indicate that his choice is mainly based on his mother's love for Bi Hayden. He hides behind his mother and lives the life arranged by her, so he is not active and lacks enthusiasm. In essence, he does everything his mother says.

But I think Bea Hayden is lucky at present because she has a mother-in-law who loves her. But imagine that one day her mother-in-law begins to criticize her, and her husband will not necessarily stand up and defend her, but choose to follow her mother's position or remain silent.

In such a state that the mother and son are still alive, the son will avoid taking corresponding responsibilities, which makes it easier for married women to feel that they are outsiders, third parties and unimportant supporting roles.

The root of this imbalance in family relations lies in the fact that the husband is not mature enough to pay enough attention to his wife's feelings and can't wean himself psychologically and integrate into a new family. Besides, even my mother-in-law didn't let go.

The separation of family of origin is the boundary of newborn families.

In many families, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law always don't get along well, and another big reason is that family members' sense of boundaries is not clear.

First of all, the mother-in-law moved under the same roof, just taking her son's home as her own, pointing and trying to control everything, and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law competed to be the hostess.

Psychologist Chen once analyzed that in fact, the quarrel between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has never been for a specific thing. The core of the quarrel is the family role, which is to prove who is the hostess of this family.

Jimmy Lin's mother always finds fault with Chen Ruoyi in the variety show "Mother-in-law". Chen Ruoyi bought a bunch of clothes for her mother-in-law to make her happy. As a result, my mother-in-law didn't say that the season was inappropriate, but that she was too fat to wear well. Her mother-in-law also asked Chen Ruoyi to learn to cook, saying that it was impolite for her to wear shorts. ...

The mother-in-law's picky is precisely swearing her sovereignty. She asked her son to listen to her and hoped that her daughter-in-law would obey her to prove her position in the new family.

But in fact, she has upset the balance of this new family. In severe cases, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will develop into competitors for her husband's attention.

Secondly, the husband of the new family needs to realize that he has shifted most of his focus to the new family, because he has a new identity, being a husband and a father, not a son from a family. Although this change and understanding is gradual, both husband and wife should have the courage to leave family of origin and enter a new family.

Chen once suggested: "When the wife disagrees with her mother-in-law, the husband should stand by his wife and declare to his mother that his wife is the mistress of the family."

We can look at Madina and Jo Jiang in "Grandma" again. Madina let the children sit on the floor and play. Curious, she picked up her mother's slippers, and her mother-in-law immediately rushed over to take them away. Because her mother-in-law is a neat freak, she thinks the floor is dirty and lets her children crawl around on it, but Madina thinks it's okay. Boys should not be too delicate when they are young.

At this time, Jo Jiang's reaction was very passive. He didn't participate or express his position at all. He just stayed by and said nothing. Later, he said in an interview that he felt it was wrong to help anyone, and it was not a big deal.

What happened to Jo Jiang has nothing to do with him. Not taking a stand will only deepen the gap between his mother and his wife.

According to Chen's point of view, a husband should stand by his wife, because husband and wife are the main subsystems of a newborn family. Only when the feelings of both sides remain stable can this family be stable.

However, if either party forms an alliance with its own children, or forms an alliance with the family of origin and isolates the other party, then this subsystem will lose its stability.

Therefore, only a sense of boundary can break the unhealthy relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

I think the key to the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is mostly in the hands of husband. Only when he finds that his wife and children need his protection and support can he change from a boy to a man.

A man born with his mother forever, a man who always escapes to his mother's arms, seems to live a simple life, but sooner or later he will lose himself.

If you are worried about this, I suggest you keep your distance from your mother-in-law in physical space and avoid living under the same roof. This may be an opportunity to get rid of sexual relations.

If you have a child, let him play with the child as much as possible, discover the role of the father, undertake protection and output, and he will become independent and mature.

I also hope that you can become a handsome mother-in-law in the future, so that your children can ride the wind and waves and enjoy this beautiful world as they please.