Love you to the end of time (accompany your mother to the end of life)

When my mother's Alzheimer's disease develops to the later stage, she suddenly won't look up. Lu Xiaoya needs to massage and relax her constantly. (Photo courtesy of the interviewee/photo)

The memory test of Alzheimer's disease is like doing homework. Lu Xiaoya coaxed his mother to the hospital and finally finished the homework. The mother who saw the result was furious and shouted in the corridor: "Nonsense! Who says I have a bad memory? My memory is better than all of you! I'm not sick! "

the symptoms have already appeared. Mother called a dozen times a day and asked the same thing-I can't find my passbook. When I got home, the door was open and no one was there. Neighbors smelled burnt and complained several times. Mother forgot to turn off the fire and all the pots and pans in the house were burnt.

It was in 26, a year before Lu Xiaoya retired, when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Lu Xiaoya dreamed that she was on her way back from a trip, and suddenly she was informed that there was no one to pick her up after arriving at the station. She took her mother and a lot of luggage and wandered around the station helplessly.

Lu Xiaoya's parents are Xinhua News Agency reporters abroad and work abroad all the year round. Lu Xiaoya left home at an early age and was sent to her grandmother's home at the age of one. At the age of five, she began to attend kindergarten and primary school alone in Beijing. At the age of 15, she went to the countryside to jump the queue and spent few days with her parents. Father died in 1987. She lamented the cruel fate: "A person who has not experienced much maternal love has to be a mother for his mother."

Mother gradually degenerates, and even takes her as her mother. She asked her mother, "am I your mother?" "yes." "How am I doing as a mother?" "Not bad." The old lady said.

The first investigation report on the family survival of patients with Alzheimer's disease published in 22 shows that 8% of caregivers have to take care of patients all the time, and 6% to 7% of caregivers' social life and sleep are affected. Most people are eager to get rid of the current state and see no hope of treatment.

"Once these big words fall into the details, there will be countless conflicts and challenges, but in China, where filial piety is concerned, they are rarely seen and recognized." Lu Xiaoya wrote.

thirteen years after her mother's illness, Lu Xiaoya was with her. When she was really uncomfortable, she used writing to relieve her anxiety. "I turned my helplessness to fate into observation, awareness and introspection of life." A year after her mother's death, the book Being a Mother was published in 221.

Kevin bowen, a famous psychiatric expert at Harvard University, became one of more than 5 million family caregivers in the United States after his wife fell ill. He recorded ten years with his wife and wrote: "Care is actually the essence and core of all relationships in the world-taking care of others and being taken care of by others, which is like a process of exchanging life gifts."

On the day of an interview with Southern Weekend reporter, Lu Xiaoya, 67, wore a thick green sweater and jade earrings swung gracefully. She just finished watching the movie Hi, Mom. Unlike the sudden death of her mother in the movie, Lu Xiaoya saw her mother's spirit gradually leave her body and experienced the "longest farewell".

But she envied Jia Ling. Speaking of the details of Li Huanying calling her daughter "Bao Er" and sewing trousers for her daughter, Lu Xiaoya suddenly choked up. "My mother lived a long life, but there are not many scenes that are particularly warm and can be recalled." Where is your home?

Walking with my mother on the road is like traveling through time and space. When I am in Beijing, my mother will point to the roadside building and say that this is a liberated area and that is Paris. All the clothes have been bought by her children these years, but she insists that she bought them in Paris.

My mother is always looking for something, and when she has nothing to do, she fumbles about the wardrobe. First, she hides her passbook, ID card and money. Later, when she really can't find it, she calls Lu Xiaoya. Lu Xiaoya simply changed a large amount of change, and his mother took a pile of money, thinking it was a lot of money, and hid it contentedly. Later, my mother began to hide torn pieces of paper. As soon as she took off her clothes in the shower, the paper fluttered like snowflakes.

My mother has been dealing with words all her life, but now she can't read books and newspapers. She gradually loses her language and can only mumble some words that no one understands. Some scholars use "mental desolation" to describe the empty state of cognitive patients. Filling mother's time has become an arduous task, and leisure will make her anxious. One winter, my mother refused to stay at home, and took Lu Xiaoya out to go crazy. All the shops in the street were closed. After a long walk, I finally saw a KFC open, and my mother was willing to go back indoors.

Doctors say that social communication is the most effective way to prevent and treat cognitive disorder. Mother has never been sociable. In 1948, my mother met her first boyfriend in the liberated areas. Later, she went south with the army, and the war broke out. It was not until after the Cultural Revolution that the two sides reconnected. The old man said to Lu Xiaoya, "Your mother will go abroad, go abroad and go abroad again these years, and I will delegate, delegate and delegate again."

When Lu Xiaoya offered to see this uncle, her mother couldn't communicate normally, and she didn't refuse. Lu Xiaoya took her mother by bus for a long time. When she arrived at the station, it was dark and the street lamps were dim. The old man stooped to pick them up, grabbed the old lady Lu and staggered together.

Mother didn't cry or laugh. She didn't talk much. She asked and answered questions, but there was no strong reaction. At that time, Lu Xiaoya was always eager to see emotional flow from his mother's face, but he was always disappointed. "I wish I had done it earlier." She lamented the Southern Weekend reporter.

gradually, my mother lost her understanding of many normal things. She forgot how to wash, eat and go to the toilet, and looked at a loss. In order to teach her mother to go to the toilet, Lu Xiaoya moved a small chair and sat down beside the toilet, making a "uh-huh" sound while making a hard demonstration, before her mother finished defecation.

when you get along with your mother, you should keep everything light and slow. Dress her softly, walk with her with the slowest steps, even if you go to the toilet to flush, wait for her to leave, otherwise the roar of water will scare the old man.

Once my mother was ill, Lu Xiaoya and her sister coaxed her to go to the emergency room, dragging and hugging her all the way. Taking her temperature and doing B-ultrasound, every check made her struggle. She refused to sit down, so the doctor had to stand and auscultate for her. When it was time to draw blood, the sisters tried their best to make her sit still. As soon as the needle tube was stuck, the mother screamed: "Ah! You are going to kill me! "

security guards and patients crowded around, thinking that there was a medical trouble. Lu Xiaoya hugged his mother and kissed her, trying to appease her. A middle-aged man felt the same way and sighed that there were four old people to take care of at home. An old lady said "how nice" softly, with tears in her eyes.

Lu Xiaoya tries to understand this fear and loneliness: "I think people may feel insecure at that time. As you can imagine, every morning when she gets up and looks around, she forgets her home."

I don't know when it started, but my mother always talked about going home. When I was away from home, I said I would go home. When I returned to the house where I lived for more than 2 years, I still cried out to go home. In the spring of 29, Lu Xiaoya decided to take her mother back to her hometown in Changshu on the occasion of her 8th birthday. In a few hours' journey, everything from getting up in the morning, going to the toilet on the way, checking tickets to the confined space on the train is a challenge.

After tossing to my hometown, my mother still didn't respond. She looked at her relatives and friends quietly, just like an outsider at home. Lu Xiaoya found that her hometown was still not the home she wanted to go back to. Lu Xiaoya found that in her mother's mind, there was no home for her.

After my mother became ill, she often regarded the streets of Beijing as Paris. (Photo courtesy of the interviewee/photo) Breathing time

One day in 213, Lu Xiaoya originally planned to accompany her mother all day, and went to yuyuantan park with her in the morning. When she got home in the afternoon, she sat and chatted with the nanny. Her mother felt left out, became furious and began to clap her door and bed to express her dissatisfaction. Lu Xiaoya suddenly has a strong impulse to escape, and she has been spending time here. She is upset that she can't read and write. The nanny advised her, "You have achieved a lot."

she is even more angry. For the sake of her mother, she had to give up her original way of life. "I'm not a saint. I can't stand this kind of trouble-making, pretending to be patient, chicken telling duck, and endless companionship." I want to read, I want to write, I want to prepare lessons, I want to have spiritual communication ... Why should I sacrifice my creativity for a mentally barren person? "

There are countless accusations in Lu Xiaoya's mind-"She is a patient, you can't treat her as a normal person." "She is your mother. She gave birth to you and raised you. Now she is ill. You should put everything down to accompany her." "How long can she live? You have a long day. What can't you let go?"

Lu Xiaoya recorded this "escape" experience in his book. In European and American countries, there is a "breathing service" for caregivers, and relevant institutions temporarily look after the elderly to give their families a chance to breathe.

Although it is not easy to accompany her mother, with the help of her younger brother, sister and nanny, Lu Xiaoya doesn't have to accompany her full-time, and she admires her friends who choose full-time. A good friend gave up his job and small family in order to take care of his mother. Soon after her mother left, she found cancer herself, and died before she could do anything. Another friend took care of his father after retirement, from his eighties to now he is 97 years old.

Lu Xiaoya saw a son pushing his mother in the Union Medical College Hospital, and the old man kept yelling and yelling at the child. This son is Lu Xiaoya's peer, and his hair is gray. "Do you want to be a child easily in this process? It's easier said than done. " She regrets.

The pain and suffering of caregivers are often underestimated. Many elderly people with cognitive disorder will suffer from "sunset syndrome"-so does Lu Xiaoya's mother. Every time the sun sets, she falls into a bad mood and cries and curses. One evening, my mother started to curse "What the hell", and Lu Xiaoya cried sadly.

Lu Xiaoya tried her best to deal with emotions with professional psychological knowledge, but it was really hard for quiet inside to face insults. Once she simply asked angrily, "Do you want to leave a bad face for us after you leave this world? If you are gone, we will think of this face when we think of our mother. Will you? "

Later, when mother loses control again, she will say, "If you want to vent, vent, but I don't want to be with you." Then go into the study for a while. Mother came in and talked to her in a language she didn't understand. Lu Xiaoya listened attentively and made a gesture of understanding and repeating. Mother soon calmed down.

Mother has a strong personality. When she was still able to communicate, Lu Xiaoya wrote a long letter and wanted to tell her the truth.

"... but we almost never get your appreciation and affirmation. After busy work, we buy food, deliver food, take medicine, take a bath, buy clothes and walk with you, but you scold us when you get angry. It makes us very sad that you scold us. "

"Please don't take our concern as a criticism, and then lose your temper with us!"

In the letter, Lu Xiaoya took care of her mother's self-esteem, asked her to consider the feelings of her children, and thanked her. Back home, Lu Xiaoya saw the letter cut and put by the bed, but her mother didn't say anything. A few days later, she bathed her mother and got up the courage to ask, "Mom, did you read the letter I wrote?"

"really? Maybe I haven't received it yet. " The old lady is expressionless.

When Lu Xiaoya was five years old, she left home alone to attend kindergarten in Beijing, and spent very little time with her mother. (Photo courtesy of the interviewee/photo) "I really don't know if my mother loves me"

Lu Xiaoya took her mother's surname. In the early 195s, the first marriage law of New China was promulgated, which set off the trend of taking the crown mother's surname. As the mother of a new woman, she asked her eldest daughter to take her surname.

Mrs. Lu was born in a Jiangnan family, with three daughters and two sisters who were twins. She always wears her sister's old clothes. When her sister makes tea and does her homework, she has to help the kitchen. Her early family life was full of grievances, and she fled to the liberated areas early to participate in the revolution.

She had three children at birth, but they were not close. In Lu Xiaoya's memory, her mother never praised her, hugged her, and never called her affectionately. The three brothers and sisters whispered from an early age, "Look at other people's mothers, look at our mothers".

When Lu Xiaoya was young, she visited relatives in Shanghai. Relatives saw that she was dressed simply and gave her an exquisite "Dacron" shirt. As soon as she got home, her mother took it away.

"Everyone else gives good things to their children, but she doesn't. At that time, the best fruit at home must be hers." After studying psychology, Lu Xiaoya understood her mother's behavior. "Later, I thought that because she couldn't get good things when she was a child, she was deprived, so she finally had power after getting married, and she had to make up for herself."

Lu Xiaoya and his mother really got along only for a few years during the Cultural Revolution. Looking back now, they didn't leave too many warm memories. Lu Xiaoya went to the countryside to jump the queue at the age of 15, and even her menstruation was instructed by her father.

The day before she cut in line, my mother rummaged through the closet and found two shirts brought back from abroad. There were elegant embroidery on the thin cotton cloth, but the cuffs and collars were broken. Lu Xiaoya was lying in bed with her back to her, mending her shirt. She heard her mother sobbing gently under the desk lamp.

This scene is very important to Lu Xiaoya's life and is regarded as the only evidence that her mother loves her. "If not, I really don't know if my mother loves me."

In adolescence, Lu Xiaoya was a serious and well-behaved child. She once went to a friend's house to play. She wore a sky-blue skirt, and her friend said, I think you are so depressed. Another friend once euphemistically suggested that she had a personality problem because she didn't grow up with her mother.

In the late 199s, the first thing Lu Xiaoya did after studying psychology was to deal with his mother. At that time, she was 45 years old. She tried to express her inner hurt to her mother, but her mother didn't respond. She longed for her mother to express a little gentle apology, but she never did. Until she lost her mind, her mother seldom had soft moments.

compared with her peers, her mother's life is smooth, she has been working abroad all the year round to avoid the turmoil of the current situation, and her children are filial, which should be envied. However, Lu Xiaoya observed that her mother's happiness was not high-she seldom laughed.

On the contrary, after her illness, her mother changed her normal state and showed her gentle side. Lu Xiaoya takes her for a walk. When she sees a child, she will greet her kindly. "Hello, baby!" After receiving the response, I smiled into a flower on my face. Another time I saw a strange young man smoking on the side of the road, and my mother went over and patted him on the head. "Hey! Why! "

Once upon a time, when crossing the street, Lu Xiaoya tried to hold her hand, and her mother would shake her hand. Until she slowly degenerated, mother and daughter finally had close physical contact. Lu Xiaoya bathed her and wrapped her in a big towel like a baby. At home, when Lu Xiaoya goes to other rooms, she will follow her and follow her like a shadow. When she goes out for a walk, she will hold Lu Xiaoya's hand tightly, until the rings on her daughter's hand are embedded in the meat, and it hurts.

Lu Xiaoya said frankly that caring for mother was originally out of responsibility. "We were educated that we should at least do our duty, which is not a problem for me." But in the process of companionship, she gradually