How to deal with the child's "I want it!"

At first, a child always thought that the whole world would listen to him. When he cried, the milk came, and when he cried, his mother hugged him. He laughs at the world, he cries and the world comforts him. This kind of experience is very important in the first few years of a child's life, which makes him feel safe. But as children get older, parents will gradually find themselves powerless. He wants you to play with him without eating, sleeping or working. He wants you to allow him to play without eating or sleeping. You should buy him toys and snacks that he likes. We parents should admit: Sorry, I can't do it.

what should I do? I don't want to disappoint you, but I can't give you what you want. There is no way but to disappoint you. Sorry, I can't do it.

it's just that this operation needs to be planned, carefully and firmly. Step by step, let the children understand what it feels like to be rejected, what it means to be rejected, and what to do if it is rejected.

give a common example: you are working and the children want you to play with them. This is usually the case.

Dad: "Dad is working. Go and play by yourself."

The child strongly demands: No, I just want you to play with me.

Dad: "I told you that Dad is working, you can play by yourself, and I will come to play with you when Dad finishes his work."

the child is crying: no! No way! No way! ......

After a long tug-of-war, my father finally thought, "I'm not in such a hurry at work, so I should spend time with my children first", so he said with exhaustion, "Ok, then my father will play with you for 1 minutes, and after 1 minutes, my father will continue to work."

As you can imagine, according to this interactive mode, after 1 minutes, Dad will have no way to go to work.

If one day you have urgent work that needs to be dealt with immediately, and your child wants you to play with him at this time, I'm afraid you will only have the means of "getting angry" and it will arouse the child's great anger. Adults can't help but feel tired and feel that they have hollowed themselves out or can't satisfy their children. At this time, the anger of children is very easy to arouse adults' sense of incompetence. Maybe it's a scene out of control.

As far as the specific operation details are concerned, there are several points worth considering in the above scenario:

1. To "limit" a thing will make it more difficult to get and more unique. Dad told his children to "play with you for 1 minutes", which is the limited time given to you, and the children will take "you play with him" too seriously. If you want your child to get used to your company and play by himself, don't "cherish" the time you spend with him.

2. Children like to play with people by nature. If your child happens to be the kind who especially likes the company of parents (commonly known as "clingy") and you want him to have enough time to play by himself, it is definitely not a good time to tell him "play by yourself" when he asks you to "play with him". For example, strawberries and apples are actually delicious, and I have to say, "You can eat apples without strawberries" when you really want to eat strawberries. "Why do you always have to eat strawberries? Isn't it good to eat apples?" Apples are readily available, but strawberries are hard to get. Repeat this interactive mode many times, before long, you will want to eat strawberries more and more, and have a subtle resistance to apples.

3. Let's think from the perspective of children-my father said "I have work to do", but I kept asking for it. I begged and shouted, and my father gave up his work and promised me. What kind of experience will that child draw from it? If past experience tells him to always insist, "coquetry", "cheating" and "pestering" can get the desired results, smart children will try this method again and again; The more times an adult refuses, in the eyes of children who have gained this experience, they are: "Please beg me again", "Please make trouble for a while" and "Please bother me again", "I can't help but promise you"-it won't take long for children to listen to the adult's reason again, in short, "Don't say those useless things, I want this, and you will give it to me sooner or later." "Why don't you give it to me? You knew it before. These thoughts may not appear in the child's mind, but they will definitely dominate him subconsciously. This method will constantly strengthen children's beliefs: there is no sense of rules, adults can't be trusted, they are rejected, and they can get what they want by asking more. Once this mode of thinking is formed, you can imagine its destructiveness.

let's try this, and practice rejection and rejection on one thing in a planned way. Still the above example.

1. Don't loiter around the children, waiting for them to shout "Daddy, come and play with me"; Take the initiative to play with him when you have nothing to do at home. Have fun, have fun. (On the other hand, if you want to steal time, stay where he can't see or touch; If you are beside him and don't play with him, make sure you have something to do. It sounds unreasonable, but it applies to families with children aged 3-6 who are used to being accompanied by their parents. )

2. You can explain your social role and what your job is when you play with him at ordinary times, and then play role-playing, let him play you, you play him, and play him who asks to play with you. Let him refuse you and let him see that you are unwilling to be rejected. "Dad, then you should play with me after work." Children will say, "OK baby, dad will play with you after work", or even say, "Never mind, I'll play with you now". It doesn't matter. You try to show the possibility of cooperation in the game.

3. You are not so busy at work, and the children come to visit you. You promised: "ok, dad is not busy at work now." What toys do you want to play with? Dad will play with you. " Please don't keep refusing and finally agree. Please say yes from the beginning. Children are easily satisfied, will it be bad? No. He won't be too persistent about what is easy to get.

It's still the same. Since you promised to play with him, have fun and have no distractions, try to finish a game section within a preset time in your heart, and then show your dissatisfaction and ask him to say, "Baby, what should I do?" It's so fun to play with you, I really want to play again! But I haven't finished my work yet. What should I do? " You can even add a detailed description, such as: "My colleague is waiting for me to give him the documents" and "There must be customers waiting to buy my things".

We should believe that children are very willing to cooperate and fulfill. He will probably advise you to work hard like an adult. Even so, you should get a promise from him: "I want to play with you again after Dad finishes his work, ok?" He may pretend to say, "Maybe not. When you finish your work, I may fall asleep." "I can't. I want to play with my mother later. My mother hasn't played with me for a long time." You must look very disappointed and tell him, "Really? What a pity! Then I'll kiss you after work and go to sleep. When you wake up and we all have time, can we play together? " ..... and so on.

Yes, in this situation where you have to refuse him, please give the initiative to your child a lot. In this way, when you refuse him, it will be a little easier for him to accept it. After all, he often refuses you, and you often accept it in a cooperative manner, don't you?

4. When you really have a very urgent job, refuse him: "I'm sorry, baby. I have to work now. Can I come to play with you when I finish my work? Can I play with you at lunch? " You should tell the specific time, so that children will think, "Oh, dad wants to play with me, but at lunch." With good company and enough rejection and rejection experience, most children will say, "How to play when eating at lunch?" "Will it be too long?" "Can you really finish your work at that time?" Without a strong feeling of rejection, children with calm emotions can think more things instead of staying at one point.

if you are used to the interactive mode of refusing-constantly "I want"-reluctantly agreeing, it may take longer to update this mode. The situation of "I really can't do it, but you insist" mentioned at the beginning appears. If this happens, please handle your emotions and refuse him well, gently and firmly-after all, you created this interaction mode between you and your children. As an adult, you have the responsibility to clean up.

(1) There is no one around you to turn to for help, and the children are crying and shouting, even punching and kicking you. What should you do? Deal with your affairs while keeping your children safe. Use the soothing actions you know to appease him, and let him vent. You don't say anything, but you tell him by action: it's true that you said you were in a hurry, and it's true that you can't play with him now. Do it quickly, even if you can't finish it, go back to the child and comfort him before things get out of hand. Here about communication, you try to ask him: "Baby, are you okay? You look very angry, like a fire-breathing little dinosaur. But thank you for not interrupting me just now, so that I can finish my work so quickly. Do you want to know what kind of thing dad handled just now? " Try to hug him, he will probably resist you, but I bet he will want to know about you. Then, you said "I'll be with you when I'm done". Remember to make this true.

Your stable mood is extremely important here: it's not your fault, you do have something; It's not the child's fault. He doesn't understand the importance of the matter. This is just the information asymmetry and cognitive inconsistency between you and your child, just this matter. If you think like this, you won't feel guilty and blame yourself for your child crying, and you won't accuse your child of being ignorant because of his crying. Of course, you will be in a hurry, which is the result of your failure to arrange your children and work. You should handle this situation responsibly once, and be sure to remember the lesson at all times.

(2) If there is someone around you who can ask for help, give the child away, and tell the child, "Dad will handle it as soon as possible. I will come to play with you when it is finished. It may take a long time. Can you wait for me?" Third, when things are finished, you should fulfill your promise: go and play with him.

repeat it several times, and a new interactive mode will be developed; This is what we want, and it can't be done by the previous interactive mode. More importantly, it can make the child understand rejection but at least let him feel rejection. If we adults develop this interactive mode in a planned way with the intention of "I can't bear to always refuse him", with clear rules and firm trust, children will quickly develop new experiences and internalize and establish new interactive modes. Don't underestimate a child's cognitive ability, as long as you are willing to teach with your heart, he will learn to fly quickly.

If you have practiced this interactive mode many times, your child can accept your refusal and show the ability to cooperate. Then you can try to make rules for this matter, such as: "What if Mom and Dad want to play with you and have to work?" Let the children find a way. He may speak in a mess, but he received the signal: "I can solve this matter, and I can decide", which is very important for children. You can suggest: "The time when you have breakfast, go out for a walk, have fun and watch TV in the morning happens to be the time when mom and dad work. If you have a rest after lunch, I will have a rest, then we can play together. Can I have fun with you/read a picture book at that time?" (It is best to give time that children can understand, and give suggestions on the content of play so that children can have concrete imagination to look forward to. )

Once there are rules, a new interactive mode will be developed when we implement them: we * * * make the rules, abide by the rules together, and let the rules speak. This is another topic, which needs the participation of older children, but it doesn't matter. Let's take our time and let the children have a sense of rules first.

Some people may say, "A child always asks me to agree, which is to exercise his ability to be frustrated. A lot of things just keep asking for results, don't they? "

first of all, persistence is indeed a valuable quality. But what is the essence of persistence? I think in plain English, persistence means trying to achieve something, and trying to implement it persistently. It is paranoia, not persistence, to force others to do what I say, and to do whatever it takes. Furthermore, what kind of people will have good results, people with deep understanding, thinking ability and cooperation ability.

Furthermore, the "frustration" here is really not the usual "frustration" in a positive sense. This is a bit like "humiliation", which is a bit heavy, but it is really this feeling. Even we adults, no one likes being rejected, let alone being rejected constantly? I asked you a normal request (under our usual interactive mode), and you refused again and again. I asked again and again (the previous interactive experience told me to do so), and finally I cried and got the answer I wanted. So what? Does the result matter at this time? This result contains your dislike of me: "Why are you so ignorant?" And your accusation that "everything is up to you, regardless of my feelings", as well as my feelings of "unloved", guilt and self-blame for feeling unreasonable. You can't learn the ability to resist setbacks in this interactive mode. In essence, this is the communication incompetence caused by lack of trust and chaotic rules. If this communication mode continues for a long time, it will be extremely destructive to children's understanding, thinking, cooperation and trust in people.

so, what should we make children understand about "rejection"? Rejection means "the other party can't do what I asked for", "my request is normal and there is nothing wrong, but the other party can't do it here and now", and "it's normal for the other party to be unable to do it, he has his ability and perspective, and he is not wrong". This matter needs to adjust its statement, views and practices. This matter can be handled from a different angle. In this way, children can get rid of the misunderstanding of self-blame and accusation, and have the strength to think about "what I ask, the other party can't do." What should I do? " Only in this way can children develop positive thinking ability and problem-solving ability.

(The rhetoric and solutions in the above cases are my own opinions. Children and adults in each family have different personalities, the principles are the same, and the methods need not be the same. Similar contradictions abound in life. As responsible adults, we have the obligation to reflect on ourselves often, think about the influence that our attitude towards problems and methods of handling things may bring to children, actively seek solutions, support children, and help children develop positive thinking and behavioral abilities in a planned way. )