What should you do if the child talks back to you, threatens you and makes trouble without reason?

I saw my mother's appeal on the Zhihu two days ago:

When asking for help, it immediately attracted the attention of more than 2 million people.

This kind of scene is normal, but it is more than attending interest classes. It seems that the child is a big boy, and he will easily resist anything you ask him to do, and even deliberately anger you and threaten you:

"Don't watch cartoons, your eyes can't stand it." "Then why do you watch your mobile phone every day? Is it unfair? " "I have diarrhea after eating too much ice cream, so I can't eat any more!" "If you don't give me ice cream, I won't eat it at night!" Why haven't you finished your homework? It's holding you back. "If you hadn't done it late, I would have finished it."

Rudolf steiner once said:

Education starts from the moment when children embarrass us.

Parents' homework is here. In the face of these irritating words, we should still think calmly:

Why did this once obedient and sensible child start to become like this?

Seeing the cause of the problem, I found the key to guiding children.

First, deliberately provoke your children.

Actually, I'm asking for help

Children who deliberately oppose their parents are actually expressing their inner dissatisfaction in "violent" language.

They have two kinds of dissatisfaction:

Kimberly Brain, an expert in children's education, said:

Children are willful and lose their temper because their physical and emotional development exceeds their communication skills.

Take Zhihu as an example. She "loves" her mother's words-"Come if you can!"

This is just a child's subconscious rebuttal to his mother's sentence "not playing well", and he doesn't really want his mother to do so.

What she really wants to express in her heart may be:

My self-esteem was hurt when my mother said that about me. I can't practice hard and I'm disappointed in myself. I am very tired today, and I really have no energy. ...

At this time, if parents don't try to figure out their children's inner thoughts, they can only cultivate two kinds of children through rash accusations and preaching:

Either more and more children who love "talking back", love and all the naysayers;

Or a child who suppresses his emotions, closes his heart and no longer expresses his views.

The end result is that children are drifting away from us and become familiar strangers.

There is a saying in nonviolent communication:

Smart parents know how to listen to their children's inner voices and realize emotional communication between parents and children.

Second, the first step of communication

Inner peace and respect

So, how to hear the child's inner voice and achieve peaceful communication?

The first step is not to think about it, ask the child why, and let the child's emotions stabilize first.

Communication between people is 70% emotional and 30% content. If the mood is wrong, what you hear will be distorted.

In the variety "After School", there is such a scene, because the father pointed a pen at Xu Xiaobao to practice the violin, and the father and son quarreled out of control.

When my father was particularly angry, he said, "You took gun medicine today!"

The child immediately went back: "You took the gun medicine!" "

……

Their blood pressure soared, but their son was still confident and the two sides had been deadlocked.

My son was pointed at by his father with a pen, and he felt offended and developed a defense mechanism, which was completely normal.

If at this time, dad talks about things and apologizes for this matter, I believe that the child will also soften his attitude and there will be no quarrel below.

However, the father used aggressive questioning, and the child naturally had to fight back, which was the maintenance of his self-esteem.

You know, how you treat your children, they will treat you in the same way.

This was also proved at their family meeting.

When mom and dad seriously asked the child and encouraged him to express his thoughts, Bao Xiao sincerely expressed his inner needs: "Mom and dad are different from before school, and I hope the family will be together."

Only when parents and children communicate from the same angle can emotional communication be realized.

Knowing how to "squat" is the most elegant gesture of parents.

Third, read the child's subtext

The right medicine, benign communication

There may be many reasons behind a child's talking back, and it will show different characteristics with the change of age, but nothing more than the following:

Realize one's own ideas

When children have their own opinions and opinions, parents must allow them to express them, listen to their suggestions and seriously consider the feasibility of the suggestions, so as to cultivate a confident, generous and independent thinking child.

If the child insists on his own opinion on the same thing, if it is not principled, he can try it according to his idea and let the child bear the consequences.

When the child always said "you can do it", he really chose a weekend to exchange identities with his daughter.

After a hard day's work, my daughter soon realized:

My mother worked harder than herself and never said anything like that again.

There is a good saying: it is better to fall than to say 10 thousand words.

Tears teach you to be a man, and regrets help you grow. Pain is the best teacher.

The detour that life should take is actually one meter.

Usually give children more autonomy and let them express themselves, and conflicts will be much less.

Maintain self-esteem

Many parents find that their children talk back when they criticize. Can't they say anything in the future?

Actually, it has something to do with the way we talk. When we educate our children, many people are used to defining them subjectively.

"Why are you so stupid?" "Look at other people's children, how do you get so many points?"

At this time, the answer was because the self-esteem was offended and the child was defending himself.

Parents should pay attention to using objective facts as much as possible, point out solutions and give some positive hints, which is easier for children to accept.

Seek fairness

Many parents will be speechless by their children's counterattack:

When you ask your child what you can't do, he will naturally feel unfair, and if you don't express it properly, you will talk back.

In this case, there is only one solution:

Only when parents set an example and set an example can children change.

Simple emotional venting

Venting back is actually a child seeking the attention of his parents.

At this time, parents should let their children know that you understand his emotions, especially when his language is not enough to express them, and guide them to express their thoughts, so that he will talk well in the future instead of losing his temper.

For example, guide children to change "I won't" into "I don't quite agree" and change "Why" into "Why do you say that?" .

However, emotional venting has a bottom line and must be based on respect. For some impolite statements, we must stop them in time with a gentle and firm attitude.

The process is a bit uncomfortable, but each one marks the growth of the child.

If we want to cultivate independent and confident children, only we can listen to their inner voices with love and respect.

Like Ji Bolun's poem: