Why is the resentment between husband and wife getting heavier and heavier?

Why unconsciously, the gas in marriage is very heavy? Because looking back, everything at that time was not a big event that could affect feelings. Everyone thought it was just an ordinary day in daily life, but I didn't expect it to cause such great harm to the relationship. After marriage, you will face many practical problems. If one of them is not handled well, it will pile up with other similar events and become a mental burden in marriage.

It is found that many people spend far more energy on "accusing each other" than on "doing things well", and some even become angry. In order to prove that their partners are right, they do not hesitate to put aside their feelings and happiness. Every breath is rooted in the old wounds that have not been loved well and the frustration of being helpless about the pain; Opening up to love is so threatening that some people seal themselves in boxes or cover up their vulnerability by blaming each other.

"You don't really love me ... you don't know love ..." As a result, the other party paid less and less, which made it more reasonable. Qi thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He and his wife have known each other for nearly five years, fell in love for four years (long-distance love) and got married 1 year; The relationship before marriage is quite good, and two people can sit together and talk about their own problems and solutions; But after the marriage, the two people really got together, and then they gradually changed. He thinks both of them are stubborn, and he is more straightforward. He can say whatever he wants, and all problems can be put forward and discussed on the table.

The wife is more and more unwilling to cooperate, refuses to open her heart, and keeps everything in her heart; She neither explained nor resisted her husband's problems, or ignored them.

Especially after pregnancy, he felt that he could hardly tell his wife's fault and could not pick her fault at all. "You break her mouth, she will ignore you, absolutely ignore her. If you say you leave, I will do what I want. No matter how many times you say it, no matter what you say, no matter how good your attitude is, no matter how sad your attitude is, I will not move. There is nothing I can do. "

In real life, we often find that many couples have a good emotional foundation, but when they get along together, they often have communication obstacles, which will affect their feelings over time; Why is this happening? This situation often happens when one spouse is anxious and the other is running away.

Anxious people are more likely to feel uneasy and anxious when they get along, and it is easier to "see" problems; As long as he feels that there are some problems in the relationship between two people, he will immediately become anxious, hoping to solve them quickly, so he puts forward his own requirements, such as "Don't you know how to clean up the mess at home?" Generally, when he is anxious, his words tend to be emotional, and the other party will feel accused.

Perhaps in the previous few times, avoidant people are willing to slowly try to reach out and clean up, but if the anxious party keeps pestering similar "small things", avoidant people will be beaten back to their original shape; Avoidant avoidance, anxiety will sacrifice everything to get her back, such as persuading the other party with good words, or reasoning in the hope that the other party can understand their intentions.

Avoidance will return, and anxiety will punish her intentionally or unintentionally, such as continuing to pester the previous problems and ignoring each other; When the avoidant type escapes again, the anxious type changes the previous inquiry about the avoidant type and makes the avoidant type return. Then start a new cycle, and so on.

Anxious people have an unexpressed emotion, while avoidant people also have many unexpressed fears. They don't believe that truth will benefit them. How should we face this situation?

Why do some couples get worse and worse? Because what we say on the surface is not consistent with what we say in our hearts, it is not the same thing; If there are too many unspeakable emotions in our hearts, even if you don't express them in words and emotions, then the subconscious will become various inquiries; When you feel that you must speak at once, especially when you want to point out other people's shortcomings or mistakes, you'd better calm down and realize your emotions and internal motives.

Maybe you think you are doing this to let the other person know the mistake and correct it, but if you feel it carefully, you will find that you want to express your inner anger and punish the other person in this way; If you are often eager to express your opinions in marriage and ignore what the other party is saying, it will easily lead to the consequences of saying everything, and the quality of communication will be greatly reduced.

Real listening refers to understanding the information expressed by the other person's spoken and non-spoken words from the other person's point of view, including not only hearing what the other person said, but also observing the meaning of the other person's non-spoken behavior and paying attention to his gestures, expressions, demeanor, tone and body movements; When a person has different opinions, he can often see the real meaning from nonverbal information; Then give an appropriate and short response to what you hear and observe, let the other person know that you are listening and make the other person feel respected.

Knowing how to listen is not only respect, care and understanding, but also a lubricant to adjust the relationship between the two sides; Husband and wife should pay special attention to the cultivation of listening skills, because home is where they really relax. No matter what they are happy about, or the troubles they encounter at work, they want to talk in front of their closest relatives.

Of course, this kind of spit is fast, and we must seize the opportunity. So it is best to choose a quiet time to exchange opinions or discuss things, so as to produce good results.

Home is not a place to reason, but a place to talk about feelings; Suppose you only think you are right and try to convince the other party that this is not communication, but negotiation and interrogation; A strong party should know its own strength, keep a low profile in communication, exchange views with each other in a respectful and consultative tone, and learn to listen to each other's dissatisfaction.

Therefore, in marriage, we should learn to turn a blind eye, look at each other's strengths, appreciate each other's strengths, and give each other more trust, affirmation and encouragement; Look at your own shortcomings and problems, constantly correct your shortcomings and overcome your own problems; In this way, the other person will become more and more lovely in your heart, and at the same time, your position in the other person's heart will become heavier and heavier.

If you always deny everything about ta, naturally ta can't be optimistic about everything about you; We don't read minds, explain more and communicate more, and we can make our thoughts clear, so as not to misunderstand, which is more conducive to harmonious relations.

There is a principle in psychology called "90/ 10". What does this mean? Why are you in a bad mood today? I think it must be you. It's your responsibility, you make me anxious, you make me angry; In fact, it is you, not the other person, who causes your emotions. What determines and affects your mood is your attitude and attitude towards this matter.

But in fact, 90% of the past events caused your reaction, not the current 10%, and the past experience accounted for 90% of the reasons.

The Wright couple said in How to Argue Correctly: "Appropriate conflict is the secret weapon to realize the interaction between partners. When they clearly realize why they quarrel, how they quarrel, and what is the purpose of quarreling, these interactions will bring them closer. " Fighting is not a bad thing. Sometimes quarreling, making a scene, and talking openly between husband and wife often make the marriage healthier and the relationship better than before.