It is wrong to tell children that "if others hit you, you will fight back".

When children go to kindergarten, parents will worry about a problem. What should they do if their children are bullied?

Many parents will tell their children: You should not bully others, but if someone hits you, you should fight back.

Parents believe that this can protect their children and avoid developing a cowardly character.

unfortunately, however, this strategy is wrong.

why?

First of all, the world of kindergarten children is different from that of adults. Social and emotional development is in the primary stage, just like eating and walking, children need to learn how to interact with others. This is a life-long course, and many adults have not taken enough credits. (For example, we often say that some people have low EQ ...)

Therefore, conflicts and disputes among kindergarten children are not what we adults understand as "bullying" and "bullying on campus". But out of the lack of communication strategies, that is, I don't know what the appropriate way is and how to communicate with people in the appropriate way.

So, "What if the child is bullied?" The question itself is wrong.

observe and see, and you will understand the causes of conflicts between children.

the most is because of toys. (OS is the child's inner play at this time)

OS: "This toy looks really interesting, and I want to play."

OS: "Oh, you took it!"

take it directly from your hand.

"No, it's mine!"

"give it to me!"

"No!"

...

One child pushed another child.

OS: "My mother said that if others hit me, I would fight back."

So, the two children got into a fight ...

Cute and funny, right?

If two children with communication skills are faced with the same situation, what will they do?

OS: "This toy looks really interesting. I want to play, too."

OS: "Oh, you took it!"

"Can you let me play?"

"No, I got it first."

"shall we play together?"

"All right"

A "fight" was successfully avoided.

So you see, the same situation leads to different results.

another example, true story. Two boys over 3 years old urinated in the urinal. Before A finished urinating, B flushed him. A wouldn't let B rush, B didn't stop, and then A bit B's arm.

as a parent, what do you think of this?

If you treat this matter with the mentality of learning from failure, both children will grow in interpersonal communication.

For A: Ask him if you don't want B to flush your water. But what can you do? Look, you bit him just now. He's sad. He's crying. To guide children, there are other options to solve this problem besides biting people. That is language. Tell B, "I haven't finished peeing yet. Let me do it myself later, okay?"

for b: ask him, do you want to help a flush? But he wants to do it himself, so he doesn't need help. He won't let you rush, so don't rush.

The two children realize that they have other choices. Apologize to each other, rehearse it again in an appropriate way, hug each other, or be good friends.

here comes the question.

why did a choose to solve it by biting?

because he doesn't know that he has other options besides biting people.

Because that's how he gets along with his parents. If parents don't demonstrate their emotions well, they will beat him if they are anxious and angry. Similarly, it will also condone children hitting themselves when they are angry.

why didn't b stop when she was rejected?

Because most of the time, even if he shouldn't do something, his parents just say "You can't …" and "You can't …", well, it's really just talk. Without taking any action to stop it, as a result, B habitually doesn't take others' rejections and demands seriously.

So, when you find that your child is getting more and more disobedient, reflect on whether you often break your word.

when you don't respect your promise, children learn to disrespect your promise.

now, let's discuss the second reason.

"You can't take the initiative to hit others, but if others hit you, you have to fight back."

Usually, parents will be told that they will beat their children at home.

Moreover, parents always say so about children who often hit others.

Isn't it amazing that your original intention was just to avoid your child being bullied, but it turned out that your child is usually the one who hits people first?

Of course, "Even if my child hits someone, it's okay, as long as I don't suffer, I have the money to settle it." Parents with this mentality are outside the scope of our discussion today, which is another complicated topic. Well, it involves values.

ok, let's go back to what we just said.

First of all, let's analyze when you say, "You can't take the initiative to hit others, but if others hit you, you have to fight back." Mentality at this time:

Maybe you have a black-and-white way of thinking. Fight back or be bullied.

Maybe, you think you have few choices, and you have no choice but to fight back and suffer silently.

Maybe, you think there is only one way to express anger, and that is to attack. So you can't control your emotions and hit your child! Forgive me for being excited ...)

Ok, now, repeat after me:

I have many choices.

I have many choices.

I have many choices.

can't we teach our children to fight back? No, no, no

It's just that striking back is not the first strategy or the best strategy. I can say responsibly that striking back is the worst strategy.

For example, in a civilized society, countries often have conflicts. Should we go to war if we don't agree?

besides waging war, we can also take many other measures to safeguard our rights and interests.

Similarly, when guiding children to face this problem, first of all, parents should correctly treat the so-called "bullying" and "conflict".

Whether children lack relevant knowledge and skills is our first consideration.

if you solve this problem, most problems will be solved.

secondly, what should I do if I really encounter unfriendly behavior?

tell your child to solve it with words.

Step 1: Tell the other person clearly and directly the facts, your feelings and what you hope others will do in the future: You hit my arm, which hurts me. You can't hit me anymore!

Significance of this:

Only when you clearly tell others how you feel can others know how you feel. Only when you clearly tell others how you want to be treated will others treat you in that way.

children usually think that others can understand even if they don't say it. Well, stop laughing at children, and so do many adults.

(Usually the problem is solved, and children are not as complicated as adults think. )

if the other party doesn't stop.

step 2: warning.

If you hit me again, I will sue the teacher/my mother/your mother ...

Step 3: Ask for help.

ask teachers to intervene, or parents to intervene.

Usually in kindergarten, teachers will handle this problem rationally, but if it is in primary school, the teacher's effect is not obvious. This requires the intervention of parents. I'm not asking you to beat each other's children. Don't get me wrong ...

Share an example of myself.

when I was in the first grade of primary school, a boy in my class often tugged at my hair, which was repeatedly forbidden. I didn't even want to go to school then, did I? I told my parents that they just asked the teacher to change my seat. But after class, Xiong Haizi came to pull my hair! Finally, I told my grandmother about it. Without saying anything, I called my cousin (super tall) who was in the fifth grade in the same school, and blocked the boy at the school gate after school, threatening him with an expression. "You this child hand zha so long, look, this is her elder sister, a school with you. If you dare to pull our child's hair again, be careful that her sister will tidy you up beautifully! " The point is, my sister and I never said a word from beginning to end.

I remember that the weather was fine and the sun was warm that day. I stood beside my grandmother and cousin and looked at the boy with a puzzled face, and I felt proud for the first time.

Later, that boy never pulled my hair again. He handed in his homework on his own initiative every day, and there was no need to rush it.

It's cool to think about it now, haha ~

So you see, when dealing with people who infringe our rights and interests and friendly ways can't be solved, we can choose not only to hit people, but also to threaten them.

for adults, seeking help also includes seeking legal aid.

I have always believed that choosing to fight back and hit people is choosing violence.

Confucius said, how can we repay good for evil? When complaining directly.

treat those who hurt us with integrity and justice.

When others hit you, they will fight back. This is to teach children to repay their grievances.

Do you think that if you fight back, the place where the child was beaten will not hurt?

do you think that if you fight back, the other person's injury will stop? If the other person's mother also tells him: If others hit you, you will fight back. Did the tragedy just happen?

You think you are only teaching your child to fight back, but not to take the initiative to hit others. However, don't forget that if you repeat your behavior much, it will become a habit.

He didn't learn how to deal with conflicts correctly, and he didn't learn how to deal with his negative emotions. He just learned that violence is the only way to solve problems.

you say, the more times, the longer the time, will behavior habits become thinking habits?

slowly, from the beginning, I fought back, and I became my own needs. As long as they are not met, I will solve them by hitting people. From being beaten to fighting back, to being angry to hitting people, such children are really everywhere.

now, do you still think that "when others hit you, you will hit back" is correct?