My husband’s sister always asks us for money or things (jade), what should we do?

Only multiple choice questions today

Scene recurrence:

Some time ago, a parent left a message in the background saying that his daughter had done something wrong. She actually went to the supermarket with several children to ask for money from a college student brother, and then used the money to buy food. The parent's first reaction was, I want to punish my child. She cannot take ill-gotten gains, let alone enjoy them.

If it were you and you had the following three choices, what would you do?

A. If the child does something wrong, she is enjoying the benefits and needs to be punished

B. Ambiguous

C. Praising the child for doing something right shows that the child Strong social skills

Choose A, that is, type A parents. What kind of parents are they?

Most parents will choose A. Because most parents are rational parents and moral parents. All adults are labeled by society. Based on the degree of entry into the big dye vat of society, we form our own set of life evaluation standards. We use this norm to guide our children.

This standard is sometimes inspirational in nature. For example, parents often say, what is the meaning of living without success or excellence? Therefore, you must be a leader, and I must work hard to help you win at the starting line.

Sometimes this standard is moral. For example, some parents say that you cannot be a person without conscience. I raised you today, and you must honor me tomorrow!

Sometimes, it is completely a feeling of self-esteem. For example, if a child makes a strange noise in a public place, some parents will say: "Stop making a fool of yourself, everyone is laughing at you." This is actually how our parents feel about society, and we subconsciously interpret this feeling as Used to educate children.

As an individual, no matter where you are or what your life pattern is, your judgment of life may be one-sided. Therefore, when we directly use our own feelings about society and our judgment of life to educate our children, we first give our children a prejudice and a one-sided life guidance.

Moreover, when we force this kind of life judgment on children, we also deprive the children of their intuition about society and interpersonal relationships. The more extreme our judgments are and the more powerful the indoctrination is in children, the more likely the children will be. It is easy to lose confidence, lose yourself, and then lose your sense of peace.

Some people must disagree. Isn’t this what education is all about? Who doesn’t educate their children with their own standards of right and wrong?

No, that’s not how education works.

From the previous case, the mother thought that her daughter was wrong, which was a kind of moral judgment. She thought that the child was getting ill-gotten gains and enjoying the gains. Therefore, the child must be punished so that she can remember this experience.

At first glance, it does make sense, but after thinking about it again, it really makes sense. But then turn around and think about it again: Have you ever told your children not to take ill-gotten gains? Have you ever told your children what ill-gotten gains are? What does it mean to sit back and enjoy the benefits?

In addition, the most important point is, before punishing, can you ask the child why she did this?

Many children's literature has such a storyline: when a child does something, in the eyes of the parents, it is completely mischievous, but the ending of the story is often the starting point for the parents to discover the child. It's actually very wonderful. For example, I also told a story in the column below the official account today. A child clamored for a big Christmas stocking from his mother. When his mother asked why, the child said, I want to give myself to you as a Christmas gift.

The picture book "The Hole" by Shuntaro Tanigawa depicts a seemingly boring story: Hiroshi is digging and digging in the yard with a shovel. He has no purpose, just digging holes. Ordinary parents will definitely get angry when they see their children acting like this. This is causing destruction. But his mother and father neither experienced him nor judged him, they just communicated with him.

Some time ago, I saw a post where the child bought instant noodles alone when his parents came home from overtime work. He didn’t know how to cook the noodles, so he used the water heater in the bathroom to soak the noodles. The first feeling of many parents is that it is funny, followed by sadness and emotion, then they feel sorry for their children, and finally they start to experience their children. But think about it, wouldn’t this be very creative for children who don’t have any independent living experience? Why do we want to judge children in the first place?

Typical example:

In the park, a little boy about 3 years old climbed up a high fence. A mother ran over angrily, waiting for the little boy to be unwilling to disclose it. After coming to the ground, the mother complained that the child was ignorant and did not pay attention to safety, which made the mother worried.

Choose B, type B parents, what kind of parents are they?

A very small number of parents will choose B. Parents who are indifferent to their children often have not understood their own lives and their character quality has not been perfected, so they appear indifferent and irresponsible to their children. . Children who grow up in an indifferent father and mother often have a cold heart. When entering society, if he can learn to regulate himself or meet the right person, his life will be smooth; once he meets an unkind person, it will be very dangerous.

Typical example:

The mother was holding a four-year-old boy sitting on the bus. The mother kept looking down at her mobile phone, and the boy looked around at the people around him. The car stopped at a certain station for a long time. When all the passengers got on, the driver was ready to start the car. The mother suddenly seemed to wake up and shouted: "Driver, I want to get out of the car." Then she jumped up and ran to the door. Suddenly she remembered something and turned around and shouted to the boy: "Why don't you get out of the car?" Don’t you know even after you get off the bus?”

Choose C, what kind of parents are type C parents?

For parents who choose A, parents who choose C often seem to have no moral bottom line. But this kind of parents have a much more positive view towards their children than the parents who chose A. They are affirming their children's actions. They are affirming their children's attempt to go into society and join the crowd.

Moms who choose A, don’t worry. What I mean is not to praise the child and maintain the child’s self-confidence. Just like parents who choose A, parents who choose C also have disadvantages. If he does not realize the problems that the parents of choice A realize, it is likely that the child will develop bad habits and even bad quality.

It is undeniable that social skills have become an important skill for contemporary people. The more refined a person lives, the higher the social status of his or her social status requires him to be. If parents judge their children based on their own social experience and life feelings, this is also a one-sided judgment. They also do not understand the child's heart, and it is also impossible to give the child correct guidance.

And, most importantly, you only confirm the child without telling him the adverse consequences of the matter. What if the child encounters a dangerous stranger? Therefore, it is easy to just praise the child for doing so.

Typical example:

In the kindergarten, a child was pushed down by a child. After he got up, he turned around and pushed down the child who pushed him. The child fell on the steps and cut his lip. When the child's parents found out, they immediately praised the child: Well done, we can't suffer. If a child hits you, you have to hit him back.

What kind of parents are they who choose A but also choose C?

Many parents are smart and choose both A and C. The first reaction of such parents is that the child is wrong and they blame the child for the inappropriate behavior, but on second thought, they think the child's behavior has merit and approve it. This understanding is definitely correct. It not only affirms the positive significance of the child's behavior, but also prevents the child from going astray. But the behavior still needs to be scrutinized.

I think that when we encounter a child asking for something from a stranger, we first need to ask the child why she is doing this. Is she greedy, or does she think it is fun to communicate with strangers, or there are other reasons.

Asking questions to children requires skills.

Children have their own little cleverness (it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong). Sometimes we use guiding words, such as, “Do you think this is fun?” In order to avoid being punished, he will follow your words. "Yes, I think it's fun." But this must be his true thoughts, he is just testing you.

In fact, you can directly ask "Why do you do this?" If the child does not speak, then make a simple introductory question, "Do you want to eat something delicious?" Note that the questions you ask should not let the child see your tendency to reward and punish, and make the child feel that you are communicating with him instead of questioning him.

Of course, these two kinds of questions are not standard questions. Children have different personalities, so the way of asking questions should also be different. Moreover, the pace of communication is different, and there should be different ways of asking questions. For example, if a child realizes his problem and has the awareness to admit his mistake, at this time, we should try to ask as few questions as possible and give the child a chance to talk.

We often say that communicating with children is also a battle of wits and courage, and it is true.

No matter what, when asking a child a question, you need to give the child a speaking process first. When the child explains the whole thing, we can see the child's understanding of the right and wrong of the matter and the child's original motivation for doing it. The more your child talks, the clearer you are about his thoughts and how you should continue to communicate. As long as we complete this process and tell our children about our life experiences, standards of right and wrong, and interests, the children will be happy to listen.

To inform children about the norms of right and wrong, we can say, "This time you asked others for money easily. Next time you are greedy and want to play, you may avoid me. Asking others for money. You think you have found a shortcut, but you don’t know that over time, you will become a lazy person who just wants to sit back and enjoy the results. "This is not a judgment on the child, but on his life. Guidance, children will not be offended by such words.

The clearer your words, the clearer your child's behavioral norms will be. Never give non-committal excuses, such as, "Can't you be a good child?" It's very aggressive, so it's best not to tell your children.

In short, education lies in the details. We all understand the concept of education, love children, accompany children, and understand children, but how to love, how to understand, how to accompany children requires more consideration and better perfection.