The hatred created by both husband and wife isolates the love that both sides can feel.

Hatred created by both husband and wife isolates both sides from perceived love.

0 1 Personal losses caused by resentment

0 1. The negative effects of resentment

Resentment may be the most useless and exhausting emotion in the world, but everyone has some resentment.

Some people hate their parents: many people were not treated correctly by their parents when they were young, which led to poor psychological foundation and bumpy life in adulthood. Reconciliation with parents is a very right thing, but it is extremely difficult.

Some people hate their partners: many people are hurt or betrayed by their partners in marriage. This kind of injury is a great hate in life, which makes people feel sore and difficult to overcome.

Some people hate their friends: sometimes, the closest and most trusted friends may become the ones who hurt themselves the most because of some entanglements. Therefore, many people deal with resentment like this:

A there is no way to live a good life. She was willing to lag behind, suppressed her talent and creativity, and gave up her life to get back at her parents.

B divorced for more than ten years. I have never moved towards a new life, nor have I found another good partner. She forbade her children to associate with her ex-husband, and she still gnashed her teeth at the mention of him.

Relationship is a double-edged sword.

C's wife ran away with his best brother, and these two people disappeared from his life, but he still tried all kinds of useless ways to get back at others. He became distrustful and paranoid.

It seems that relationship is a double-edged sword. A good relationship may be the most healing medicine, and a bad relationship may be fatal arsenic.

However, as the saying goes, how can people not be stabbed when they are floating in rivers and lakes? It is inevitable to hold grudges against injuries. The difference is that some people's hatred can last for five, ten or twenty years.

It's like drinking someone else's own poison, but hoping to poison others.

However, some people will go through all kinds of good or bad relationships calmly. People and events in the past are like yesterday's light dreams, and the geese have gone without a trace.

And those who are easy to resent and hard to let go of the past are like "scar constitution", which will bruise when touched and last for a long time.

What makes such a big difference? What are the challenges in unforgettable life?

03 individual narcissistic developmental defect

02. resentment has a function.

Most people who hate others think they are bad, while most people who think they are bad are people with strong narcissism system.

Xiaomei's fiance married another girl with a good family. Since then, Xiaomei's emotional injury has been difficult to heal for a long time, and she can no longer trust men, just like suffering from "misogyny."

She always complains to her friends, "Let him get rich!" "I will be interesting to see what good results he has.

I asked, "What kept you from letting go for so long?"

She said: "I only hate that I have no ability to let him choose me and cannot live without me."

It turns out that this is the real reason why she can't let go.

People who are weak and have narcissistic developmental defects are particularly prone to resentment. Being treated wrongly by others will hurt narcissism and make you feel how bad you are.

The belief that I am not good enough is the reason why I hate others. Seeing and healing my narcissistic wound may be an opportunity to grow up.

People who hate others are mostly "hard to fill."

04 The Potential Need Behind "Hate"

Just like patients with post-traumatic stress disorder constantly "flash back" and return to the injured scene over and over again, the subconscious wants to experience it again and has the opportunity to rewrite the ending of the event in a bad experience.

They want each other to realize: you can't do this to me, you are wrong, you need to apologize to me; You need to pay for what you have done; You need to show your respect.

These are the potential needs behind "hate". None of these needs have been answered.

Therefore, the more this happens, the more it arouses the obsession of "I want to win", making myself constantly entangled and consuming myself over and over again in the inner drama.

People who are full of resentment are often unable to move towards the future.

People who have no ability to move towards the future are in a state of lack of self-feeling and energy, and are afraid to face the unknown and uncertainty.

It takes great courage and strength for a person to bid farewell to the past, move towards the future and rebuild a new life.

However, many people are willing to stay in the past grievances, so that they can avoid facing the real darkness and the arduous task of their own growth, and put their own hardships and failures on others.

05 lost the surging hatred because of the relationship.

Behind the resentment is a long sadness.

Behind this sadness, it is often a hatred of your incompetence:

I am weak, I am helpless, I am pitiful; I can't live without you. I hope you will continue to take care of me. I cannot forget you; You need you to be responsible for my life.

The strong hatred behind the loss of relationship needs to be smoothed away, but many people can't make themselves bravely accept the fact of loss.

For such a sad abnormality, we need to seek professional treatment.

You can let go because you can love yourself.

Tell me more about those who won't stay in resentment.

My good friend Min is a good example. More than ten years ago, her husband cheated on a female employee on the production line, which made her pregnant, so she divorced her friend and married a mistress.

After two years, Xiaosan also derailed and abandoned the derailed man, so the derailed man took care of his eldest daughter alone.

Later, he had various physical problems, lost an eye and lost his job.

06 high self-esteem acceptance ability

Worst of all, he found that Xiao Sansheng's daughter was not his own flesh and blood, so he sent her back to his mother and became a loner.

Later, he cut off his financial resources and had to borrow 10 thousand yuan from his friends.

His friend transferred him ten thousand yuan. "I didn't expect him to return it." My friend said to me

"Don't you hate him? Do you think he deserves it? " I asked

"Of course, I hated it at first and wanted to keep it. But I soon stopped hating it. " A few years later, she had a new life, developed her career, reorganized her family and had a lovely daughter.

Min is a person who will never hold a grudge against others for a long time at any time, and is also a kind person who always thinks of others.

Like those who can live in the present and are rarely occupied by negative emotions, they also have some similar characteristics.

They have strong self-cohesion and self-esteem and can accept themselves well.

How others treat themselves is largely a problem for others.

A sense of certainty about themselves enables them to continue on the road of the future and create a better life for themselves.

Have a future-oriented thinking.

They are less likely to have early psychological trauma and unresolved psychological injury left by their family background, and intact people are less likely to be violated.

People who are easily hurt and infiltrated are often born with cracks in their lives.

Those who hurt themselves may be repeating some relationship templates that they have already established. They feel hurt again and again and gain a familiar sense of existence.

They often have a future-oriented thinking, the strength to face the broken, and the ability to rebuild a new life on the ruins.

They will not shift the responsibility of life to others, but will surrender to what has happened at any time and try their best to play another bad hand.

Such people have a high sense of self-responsibility, and also have a truly objective and awakening understanding of the problem, so they seldom resent others.

They seldom think about revenge, and many people who think about revenge often underestimate themselves.

And those who cherish themselves enough are unwilling to waste their precious lives.

They will clean up the wrong people from their lives and focus on themselves.

Looking for opportunities to grow.

Because they know that good revenge is a clear line, a brave abandonment, and a neat turn.

Of course, it is not easy for people who hurt themselves to let go of their hatred for others.

It's not that you shouldn't resent, but learn to forgive, learn to let go of yourself and love yourself.

To love yourself well is to grow up in a bad relationship.

Bad friends let people learn how to understand others and keep a proper distance. Bad sexual relations let them see the scars and shadows floating from the depths of life, and look for opportunities and motivation for their growth in order to get out of these scars.

There is a saying: love life in those who like you, and see the world clearly in those who don't like you.

A bad relationship is a bridge and opportunity for us to become more transparent, mature and knowledgeable.

This shows the complexity of human nature and the twists and turns of life. Only through twists and turns can we see that the world has deeper and higher beauty.

Becoming kinder, standing higher and learning to love ourselves more may be all we can get from negative relationships.