Write to yourself in the abyss: there is light in the future, don't stop running.

Even if you are in the abyss, don't give up believing in the light

I have been in trouble sleeping for countless young days, confused and confused.

I'm trying to find the answers thrown by the world, but I can't seem to get the answers I want.

I used to grow up all the way, leaving many marks engraved in my youth because of my confusion. No matter what you meet, tell yourself firmly: "I am going through the pain of growing up, and one day I will break into a butterfly and feather into light." I will finally embrace the life I love and go to a bright future. "

I always thought that the more people grow up, the less confusion they face and the more happiness they have. The less troubles, the more confident you are in the face of many setbacks in life. I have always thought that four years in college is the most confused youth, so I have been strict with myself during my college years. I have always admitted that I am a stupid person, and I am not quick to learn things. It seems that I will always have to work harder than my peers to keep up with them. So I keep telling myself that stupid birds should fly first.

My university is not famous, just an ordinary school. But she has given me many wonderful memories, met many wonderful people and kept me exercising. Nowadays, cherry blossoms are in full bloom, and I always think of the cherry blossoms that the College of Liberal Arts secretly pokes its head into the classroom every spring. One pink flower after another looks like a youthful and moist face, and also looks like myself in those days. That optimistic, competitive and strong self.

Maybe life on campus is as pure as crystal, even if it will encounter setbacks, it will lead to trouble sleeping because of the difficulties encountered, but those difficulties will eventually be solved and those difficult days will eventually pass.

In college, teachers, classmates and schoolmates often use the word "excellent" to name me. Although I have always known that I have too many shortcomings, even if I am full of praise, I know in my heart that I am not as good as they say. I seem to have been living in an unspeakable anxiety.

Now I see many friends I have made, those days when I felt more in difficult times, those days when I was afraid of future uncertainty and couldn't find the answer to the question. Now I think about it, I was actually happy at that time. At the very least, you can tell, you can bravely face those days when you think you are "gloomy", and you can even write words that look very melodramatic now.

I have always thought that nothing is hard to beat myself.

During my school years, I won awards again and again, experienced again and again, and grew up again and again, which made me firmly believe that I would definitely spell out the future I wanted. It seems that I seldom lose.

Maybe many things went too smoothly, so when I graduated, God left me with a bunch of tests.

The failure of the first postgraduate entrance examination plunged me into deep self-denial and self-doubt. It's the feeling that someone who has never lost suddenly loses. During the time when the epidemic was raging, I kept myself in my room and thought about life and death.

it has crashed countless times.

I never thought that I would be depressed from February to May. But even if I suffered again, I gritted my teeth and wrote my graduation thesis, revised it countless times, searched for information and sorted out the corpus, and stayed up late into the night. No one knows that it took me half a year to get the first graduation thesis in my major.

Many people say that graduation thesis can be graduated as long as it passes the customs. But I am the kind of person who wants to be perfect as soon as I do it. I once hated my character of pursuing perfection and loving to get into a dead end. But I can't make peace with myself.

For example, when I took the postgraduate entrance examination for the first time, there were no supportive voices around me, all of which were objections and doubts, urging me to change to a target institution. But because I like that school so much, I rushed up without hesitation. I was always optimistic and confident, but I came back disappointed that time.

The depression left over from the third year of high school lurked for many years, and finally broke out in the fourth year. I have been struggling with myself.

Until I returned to school in May, several roommates who went ashore for postgraduate entrance examination were stabbed intentionally or unintentionally every day, which became the last straw that overwhelmed me.

I don't know what language violence is, but the week when I went back to school to deal with graduation became an unhealed wound in my heart. In the last week of May, no one ever knew that I had been trying to hold down my wounds to prevent them from bursting, pushing me from the tenth floor to the cold ground and breaking with my dreams.

Because of the epidemic, we became the most miserable graduates. There was no graduation ceremony, no job fair on campus, and we didn't take a picture of the beautiful graduation photo that we had been longing for for for a long time, which put a perfect end to our four years of youth.

it all ended suddenly.

after graduation, I shut myself in my rented room all June, like a little cocoon afraid of seeing the light.

I'm afraid to go anywhere. I've been fighting my inner devil. I tossed and turned for more than 3 nights, biting my lip to stop myself from crying. Every time I cry, my heart hurts so much that I can only feel it, but I can't give it a hug and comfort, just like I can't give it to myself.

I dare not expose my wounds to others in the sun. Because when there is no nudity, it has been quietly sprinkled with salt by others. Because, it will be said by many people that the pressure resistance is too weak, and the flowers in the greenhouse can't stand the wind and rain, too pessimistic and too negative. I will even be told by others that I deserve it!

I never like to argue with others. Especially, when one's own wound bursts and others have to insert a knife into it. I don't like that. I have to bite my teeth when I know I'm in enough pain. I apologize to the person who hurt me and explain to her/them why I have those wounds. There's no point.

because there has never been empathy in this world.

I never preach my pain to others. Because I know that everyone in this world has their own pain, everyone has their own problems and setbacks, and they all have their own dark time.

But as my psychology teacher said in college, a person's body is like a container, and those negative emotions can't be allowed to take root in the body all the time. Over time, the body will be overwhelmed. Therefore, we must vent those negative emotions in an appropriate way. Only in this way can the body be in a favorable cycle.

So, being silent to others, I started running, practicing yoga and making myself forget those troubles through fitness. I began to use words to record the worries that overwhelmed me. Every time I express it in words, I feel a lot easier.

so most of the time, the words I write are actually written for myself. The words I write should be a part of my life. I will also record my life and many colorful or dull days in other ways. Life is a sea, I just want to embrace myself in this way.

If I am lucky, many warm people will convey their kindness to me. But at the same time, some people will point to my words that bear my heavy heart and criticize me.

so later, I seldom wrote words.

I have also seen many friends who are sick on the Internet, taking words as the object of their own telling and listening friends, so as to cure themselves. However, I also saw that many keyboard men responded with more tragic language.

without the pain of others, how can you be willing to be a piece of snow in the cold of others in order to satisfy your own quick talk?

I should get rid of the problem that I can't control my thoughts flying all over the sky from the beginning of writing.

so, back to the original topic.

spend a whole June sewing up your own wounds.

I moved home in July.

Then I began to study for the postgraduate entrance examination in World War II for half a year.

This half year should be the most unforgettable half year for me in more than 2 years.

I thought that by the spring of next year, I would definitely take all the moods that had been dormant for half a year to the glistening sunshine and let them receive warm baptism.

I worked hard and hard, and I spent half a year alone seriously and strongly. Although I never mentioned that I had YIYUZHENG to anyone, I made peace with myself in those six months.

The pressure of World War II is really unimaginable to ordinary people, and perhaps only friends who have experienced it know it. It's really 1 crashes and 11 bounces back.

I thought that when it was all over, I would use long words to commemorate that time. But later, I slowly pressed them to the bottom of my heart, and let them dry up with the river downstairs, wither with the lotus on the balcony, and be covered with thick dust with the professional lesson recitation strips plastered all over the living room ...

There is no need to say anything.

I hid those days in countless cherry blossoms in spring, together with all the joys and sorrows, pains, happiness, ruin and happiness of that half year.

even if the ending is not satisfactory, it is enough to cry once.

I've never cried for four or five hours, until my eyes were bloodshot, my mouth was swollen into a sausage, and my heart ached. A week after crying, I was depressed.

for the first time in my life, I used video to commemorate my most collapsed self. Originally, I just wanted to say something to myself at that time in a place where no one knew me at all, so that I could bid farewell to the past and start again. Let yourself remember the crying yourself. In the days to come, when you collapse to the point where you can't hold on, just watch the video and tell yourself, "You have survived all those difficult days, and now you must have no problem." Unexpectedly, when I opened my mouth, all the grievances and sadness were like flash floods, and it was difficult to control myself.

that night, my eyes hurt so much that I couldn't sleep.

my mind is full of strange thoughts that I have been trying to hold back from acting.

finally, I fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night, but my brain was unusually awake. All the scenes in the past six months have come to mind, just like a movie that ended before it was finished.

turn on your mobile phone, and messages under the video will flood in. I never thought that there would be so many strange and lovely people, sending me strength and goodwill in places I don't know.

It was the first time that I recorded my feelings in that way, and it was also the first time that I knew that my friends who had never met before could give me so much warmth and light.

thank you for speeding up the sewing of my wound. Thank you, so that I can get out of the pain of failure faster and face life again.

In the later days, when I think of myself, I always think of Rousseau, who was 28 years old.

He put aside the fetters of money, built a cabin on Walden Lake, two miles from Concord, and worked for more than two years. In his seclusion days, all the mountains, rivers and plants were his close friends, and that land was his whole world. He could see spring, summer, autumn and winter from a leaf. He lives like a tree, vigorous, independent and full of philosophical meaning. As Whitman said:

Everyone has a time to be alone. Probably, this is my half year. In this half year, my little room is also my Walden Lake. Through the small window in front of my desk, I saw the leaves of the trees outside the window, from summer solstice to spring, from prosperity, withering, falling to sprouting again.

I talked to myself again and again, and answered the questions that have puzzled me for many years. Looking back on everything from elementary school to university, I also looked down on many things and let myself go.

So, whether I open the door half a year later and see flowers everywhere or icy snow all over the sky, it's all given to me by life.

Even after passing the postgraduate entrance examination, this spring will repeat the mistakes of last spring, and even face more nights of confusion, hesitation and insomnia and tears than last spring;

Even though some of my classmates have worked for more than a year and accumulated their own experience, some have already gone to graduate school and are going to graduate immediately, and some are married and have children as parents;

Even if I feel for 1, times, everyone seems to be on the right track of their own life, and they are still wandering in this world with nothing, self-denial and self-doubt countless times.

Even after I really left the society, I found out that many important knowledge and truths could not be learned in school. The reality is far more cruel than I thought. It is more difficult to find a job in your major than you think. Even if there are more than 3 certificates in the university, the HR of recruiting employees only depends on whether you have the ability required for the position he recruited.

even if I give up all my previous dreams and just want to find a job to support myself first, it has been difficult to find it. I am confused and sad, and others are still saying lightly that I am too arrogant, riding a horse to find a horse, and I have no points in my heart about my learning ability.

Even though I missed many precious opportunities because I devoted myself to the postgraduate entrance examination, I still have to face a lot of problems.

but, what can you do?

what can't kill me will eventually make me stronger.

William Habington once wrote in a poem "To My Respected Friend Sir Knight":

Yes, I didn't get nothing.

Even if I spend two years of time and energy, at least through two years of trial and error, let me know what I really want. For example, from high school, I thought that the major I wanted to study most in college was Chinese language and literature, but I chose Chinese international education by mistake. The whole freshman is in a state of pain. Later, I slowly began to accept this major, began to try to love it, and went to Thailand to practice teaching. Until then, I decided to go black. Even in my senior year, a thousand voices in my heart told me, "You love literature, so you should take the exam and pursue what you really like." But after all, it was defeated by another voice. It said, "You can't take hobbies as a lifelong career. You have paid so much for this major, and the sinking cost is very high. Shouldn't you stick to it all the time?"

In the process of preparing for the exam, the voice about "love" and "dream" has been around my heart at midnight. But I bowed my head and refused it.

until recently, when I collected all the reference books of Han Shuo, I really realized that sometimes I really need to listen to my inner voice. It turns out that if you make a mistake at first, you can't stick to the rest of the road.

If you give me another chance to choose, I will definitely do what I like best.

unfortunately, time is running out.

I will