Haven't had a good relationship for a long time? Three key points teach you how to love.

Author \ Lin Rent Consulting Psychologist

In the 1980s, R.J. Sternberg published a study. After analyzing the love of many couples and couples, he found that love can be divided into eight kinds of love with intimacy, passion and commitment. This theory is widely used, and they respectively represent the need to improve management emotion, motivation and cognition in love. But can love be analyzed and then said, I want to strengthen and inject a project and distribute the growth points like developing a game? Sometimes we suddenly fall in love with someone. Sometimes, although I am not satisfied with my marriage, eating sugar cane becomes more and more stable and sweet over time.

In 1990s, Robert Jeffrey Sternberg changed his view that love cannot be analyzed. After re-studying, he found that "love is a story". Robert Jeffrey Sternberg believes that "the relationship we create depends on the love story we carry", and preconceived ideas such as personal growth background, values and past experiences are guiding us to choose a partner by understanding the story. Only by understanding our own love story can we freely create a happier and longer-lasting relationship with each other. So "love" is comprehensive rather than analytical. Lovers form love by slowly forming a relationship after cohabitation. * * * is the same as correcting the story type. Such a relationship, the so-called "love", will be found to be very similar to the love of our parents. They often quarreled when they were young, but they were always inseparable when they got along.

Love is a Story: It is easy for us to fall in love with people whose roles complement each other. This is just the beginning, and then there is love.

However, many people fall in love without talking about each other. They just stick together. So, what can love talk about and what can love say?

A good relationship needs the "old school" to run, and "time" and "story" are the key. It takes time to really talk.

Love is a story about the relationship between two people.

I often ask my consulting partner, "What are you dating for? They responded: watch movies, eat delicious food, stay in their rooms and do their own thing. " Oh, what do you talk about together? Well, no matter whether the movie is good or not, the food is good or not, you don't say anything and complain, but complaining for too long will make the other person disgusted, and repeat the parrot-like whispers, as if I love you very much. This is a misunderstanding of love by many people, who think that as long as they are together, chemical changes will occur automatically, and there is no need to talk about each other.

We met a person for the first time and wanted to know each other, so we had the story of meeting. We began to "fall in love" to see if we were consistent. As we get to know each other better, we also begin to project our thoughts and feelings, including the emotional burden of the past, onto each other, and then "say love" and turn it into a story of "falling in love". The idea of the so-called story is that you will want to know who she is, how she became what she is now, what she has experienced and what she wants in the future.

Love is very important. Li Weijing described in "The Necessity of Old School Dating" that "we have to walk a long way. Only when we walk, do we really talk, the old-fashioned conversation. They walked from the first paragraph to the seventh paragraph. The street view was only the background, and talking about each other's affairs was the theme. When I was in college, I used to have dinner and chat with my favorite female classmate, and then walked back to her dormitory. I didn't finish, so I walked back to the dormitory. Before I finished, I went back to her dormitory and turned over 18 gifts back and forth. A good relationship needs such an old-fashioned management. " Time and story are the key. It takes time to really talk.

So, what can love talk about and what can love say?

First, "talked about love": knowing each other's stories is profound.

Take time to accumulate feelings in ambiguity, really talk about it, let friendship develop into love, appreciate each other and change slowly. The "old school" tells you that good things take time to practice, and you will know if you want to be together after knowing each other's stories.

Recommended reading: Do you remember the first date, the hug and kiss with your wife?

What are we talking about? Talk about each other's thoughts, family, growth, interests, and have a deeper understanding of what made our history. The more we talk, the deeper our feelings. Girls want physical intimacy only when they are psychologically intimate, while boys are the opposite. Most of the reasons why boys don't talk are that they don't know what to talk about. So there are several practical topics and activities for your reference:

Topic 1. "home and family":

"Home" has a great influence on a person, from house, growing environment, family relationship to family history, all of which are connected with personal experience, which is why she is her story. Two people can tell each other their stories. If they don't know where to start, they can look at family photo albums and share them along the growth timeline.

◎ Activity arrangement: Look at the photo album together to recall the past; Go for a walk in each other's hometown.

Topic 2. "Learning history":

When I was studying, I always took the freshness and madness of the world and talked about the young ideas and blood at that time; Are there any topics you are passionate about, subjects you are good at, club competitions, film festivals or things that are very fulfilling?

◎ Activity arrangement: Visit my school; Talk about past campus life.

Topic 3. "noble man":

Our lives are often influenced by "important people", who are called "nobles" by culture. Let's talk about these people: noble people, benefactors, teachers, elders who believe in taking care of us and people who have a profound influence on our ideas. Life has turned to this point, and it is no longer ordinary and boring. Let's share this change.

◎ Activity arrangement: visit that noble person; Talk about the influence of this change on the future.

Topic 4. Emotional experience:

Memories will not always be so clear, but emotions will be deeply preserved. Emotion represents our value judgment on something and an experience. Listening to her emotional experience and understanding her psychological feelings is also equivalent to understanding her.

◎ Activity arrangement: recall emotional experiences in life, such as joy, anger, sadness, pain, movement, crying, etc. And what's the connection with them? Tell me about the differences between us after this incident.

Topic 5. Life now:

At the moment of life, what are you busy with and what topics are you concerned about; What are your interests and what to learn? Shallow can also talk about food, clothing, housing and transportation, talk about interpersonal friendship, and how friends can broaden our knowledge.

◎ Activity arrangement: Participate in activities of interest to the other party, such as cultural performances or sports; * * * Create new interests, such as watching exhibitions and traveling; Talk about interpersonal circles and get to know each other's friends.

Topic 6. The topic of "values":

Talk about how to live in the future, such as continuing to study or study, or what responsibilities you have to face; Talk about "dreams", what is important to you and what will make you happy; Talk about more abstract issues such as value, faith and love.

◎ Activity arrangement: listen to relevant speeches and discuss after the meeting; Participate in public welfare activities together.

Second, "say love": specifically sweet talk, express the need for each other.

The story continues to develop. With the gradual understanding of each other, love germinated, and we also devoted ourselves to feelings and entrusted our hearts. It is very important to "express clearly" in a stable love relationship. The confession is like this. There is always a ceremony to move from an ambiguous relationship to a formal relationship. Saying love has two meanings. One is to show concretely that we love and appreciate each other. The information we say is more acceptable than the act of giving silently, which is why people like sweet talk. Secondly, "saying love" is also a kind of trust and trust, telling your own vulnerability and saying that you need each other, so that the other party has a sense of security. No matter what kind of "saying love" is, it has its basic sentence pattern. Say it often, and use an advertising word "You used to eat/say it occasionally, but now you should eat/say it often".

Sentence pattern 1 "sweet talk": appreciate/praise love+concrete facts.

Example: "I like your fingers, so soft and beautiful. 」

Example: "Thank you for being so considerate and helping me carry heavy things. This is what I love about you. "

The second sentence "express needs": express vulnerability+hope that the other party will take care of our specific behavior.

Example: "I am very sad now, and I need you to sit here with me. 」

Example: "I'm under a lot of pressure. I need you to hug me and listen to me about the changes at work. 」

Recommended reading: I don't know what to talk about when dating. 36 questions make you feel "intimate"

Third, the date must be designed in advance.

The appointment must be designed in advance, but it is not necessary to make a timetable, at least with a theme and direction. Activities should be planned in advance, and love should be practiced frequently, because no matter what kind of date, the meaning of drunkenness is not the date itself, but her relationship with them.

When planning, boys should not always ask, "Where do you want to go? This design means, "I have several places I want to go. What do you think is better? Give some choices. If girls don't mind, you can choose. The most expensive, the most advanced and the most gorgeous are not important at all. As the old saying goes, it is important to manage our relationship well and let deep feelings fall in love naturally.

Love needs "talking about love" to get to know each other, and "talking about love" to maintain the relationship. Our culture does not teach this method of falling in love, but "caring culture"? I think as long as I pay silently, the other party will automatically understand, and of course we are not familiar with how to express and describe. Topics and sentence patterns: You can try to ask and answer questions, and know yourself first. Remember not to express yourself with lines. LINE can only present text, and it is too short to be misunderstood. Dating includes eyes, expressions, intonation, body movements and atmosphere. When these questions and narratives are familiar and natural, we will find that love will never end, because the story is always progressive.