Ancient humorous jokes

Su'e wants salt

There was a prostitute named "Su'e" in Hangzhou who was owned by a salt merchant. Once, Mr. Huang Nangu from my hometown passed by a brothel and saw a small portrait of Su'e on the wall, so he wrote a poem below: "Light red shirt, light red skirt, light makeup and light lips; just because the whole body is covered with light red , will be given to the salt seller in the future." Everyone who saw it laughed.

Four Joys and Four Sorrows

Someone once wrote the "Poetry of Four Joys": "A long drought is followed by sweet rain, meeting an old friend in a foreign land, a night of flowers and candles in the bridal chamber, and a name on the gold medal list." Chenghua In the year of Wuchen, a man named Wang Shunan added the words "ten years", "ten thousand miles", "monk" and "instructor" to the front of four lines of poems. Everyone laughed after hearing this. In the Renchen year of Wanli, someone added words: "Gan Yu" and "Bringing Pearls", "Old Knowledge" added "Su Huan", "Monk" became "Fu Ma", and "Instructor" became "Zhuang Yuan". For a moment, everyone thought that the level of fun could not be increased. Unexpectedly, there was another person who changed the Four Joyful Poems into the Four Sad Poems: "The hail in the rain destroyed the crops, so I knew he was a debt collector. He married a stone girl with a candle and was kicked off the gold medal re-examination." People who saw it thought it was even more ridiculous.

Inverting Yin and Yang

A doctor in central Fujian was named Yin, and his wife was named Yang. People jokingly called them "inverting yin and yang", and jokingly called their son "Yin Yang Sheng".

Meeting the Superior

A civil servant worked his way up to become a magistrate of a county in Shandong. When he went to meet his superior for the first time, he was in a hurry and didn’t know how to socialize, so he suddenly asked: "My lord, what is your surname?" The superior was horrified by his rudeness and ignorance, so he forced a smile and said, "My surname is so and so." The magistrate lowered his head and thought for a long time, and then said, "Your surname is not found among hundreds of families." The superior was even more horrified. Said: "Don't you know that I am under the banner (Manchu)?" The county magistrate stood up again and asked: "What banner is under my lord?" The superior replied: "The red flag." The county magistrate said: "Zhenghuang Banner is the best, why aren't you in Zhenghuang Banner?" The boss was furious and asked, "Which province are you from?" The county magistrate replied: "Guangxi." The boss said: "Guangdong is the best, Why are you not in Guangdong?" The county magistrate was stunned and had no choice but to leave. The next day he was ordered to resign and go home.

The Melon Vendor Composed Poems

There was a man named Gu Qilong who looked very ugly, but had a gentle personality and loved to read. Even books with missing corners were treasured. Like jade. He likes to write poems, and he often speaks them casually with great taste. Once, when he was selling watermelons, someone used "Selling Melons" as a question to test him. Unexpectedly, he responded and chanted: "Mr. Lang is selling watermelons today, and all the watermelons are good. The price is both red and honey, and the bamboo stove is no longer needed." "Jiancha." People were filled with admiration after hearing this, and Gu Qilong became more interested and read aloud his recent works: "Thousands of beauties sleep alone, and thousands of talented men sleep alone; if God is willing, there will be two places." Bring me a place to sleep." People couldn't help but laugh.

Mrs. Du Kang

Drinkers discussed building a Dukang temple to commemorate Du Kang, the founder of wine making. When the ground was being broken for construction, a stone tablet was suddenly dug out of the ground. Everyone was drunk at that time, and when they saw the words "Tong Dajie" suddenly appeared on the stone tablet, they suggested building a back room to let "Mrs. Du" rest in peace. After the temple is completed, the county magistrate is invited to hold incense and burn it in worship. The county magistrate went to the back room and saw the stone tablet. He was shocked and said: "This is the stone tablet of Zhou Taizu!" He quickly asked people to move it outside the temple. The county official suddenly dreamed at night that a man wearing a big hat came to thank him and said, "I It was Zhou Taizu of the previous dynasty who was mismatched with Du Kang as a couple. If the county magistrate had not seen through it personally, he would have been married to a drunkard and suffered a lifetime of misery. "

Fried meat with bamboo shoots

Someone once copied Dongpo's poem: "No meat makes people thin, and no bamboo makes people vulgar." "The following two sentences: "If you are not thin but not vulgar, you can have a bowl of stir-fried pork with bamboo shoots every day. ”

The County Official’s Order

Bu Dayou, the county official in Wuxi, Jiangnan, was good at joking. Hearing that the new Yixing County official was eloquent, he wanted to make things difficult for him, so he went to Wujin County in advance to They discussed the drinking order. One day, Bu Dayou hosted a banquet for the two of them. He raised his wine glass and said, "The two fires are 'flames'. This is not the salt of salt sauce. Since it is not salt, why does it become lighter when water is added?" "Wujin County Magistrate said: "Two days are 'chang', this is not a prostitute's prostitution; since it is not a prostitute, why do you sing when you open your mouth? "Yixing County Magistrate said: "I also have a drinking order, I am afraid that I will offend Mr. Bu by saying it.

The two said in unison: "Please tell me." He said: "The two soils are 'Gui', and this is not the tortoise of the tortoise. Since it is not a tortoise, why did you add the divination to form a hexagram?" "(Turtle bones were used for divination in ancient times.) The two of them laughed.

What are parents?

I was in a certain county reviewing the examination papers for children to take the scholar examination, and the question was "Parents" "In" three words. An examination paper answered: "What are parents?" I couldn't help laughing, and wrote a line on the paper: "Father is a masculine thing, mother is a feminine thing." The discord between yin and yang gave birth to this monster like you! ”

Local prostitutes

There are shiitake mushrooms in He County in western Guangdong, and their local name is orchid mushrooms. Once, Zhongcheng inspected He County and asked if there were any local prostitutes (local prostitutes) in the county. The county magistrate thought it was a local product, so he replied: "Yes, it's called orchid mushroom." Zhongcheng said angrily: "Why not expel or ban it?" ! "The county magistrate suddenly understood and hurriedly explained. The spectators laughed, and Zhong Cheng also laughed, because the three characters "Orchid Mushroom" looked like the name of a prostitute.

The soles of other people's shoes

Yang Yi of the Song Dynasty once wrote official documents, which were often marked and deleted by senior officials in power. He was very aggrieved, so he took the manuscript and wiped out all the smudges made by the senior officials with thick ink to make a shoe sole pattern. , and wrote in small letters next to it: "The soles of the shoes of the Yang family of Shiye. When others asked in surprise, he said: "These are other people's footprints." "It became a joke for a while.

Poetry Names of Dishes

A man wanted to host a banquet to entertain friends, but unfortunately he only found 8 copper coins after searching his pockets. It was very embarrassing. The old servant said: "It's easy. Done. "So he bought two eggs with 6 cents, some leeks with 1 cent, and tofu dregs with 1 cent. The old servant brought out the first dish, which was two egg yolks on top of leeks. He said, "This is called ' Two orioles sing the green willows'. He brought out the second dish, with a ring of egg whites on the leek, and said, "This is called 'A Line of Egrets Rising to the Blue Sky'." "The third dish is fried tofu dregs, and the name is: "The window contains Qianqiu Xue of Xiling." "The fourth dish is a clear soup with two eggshells floating on it, named: "Menbo Dongwu Wanli Ship". The old servant said: "I like Du Fu's poem, so I made the dish with these four sentences. Poetry is elegance, please don't laugh at it. "The host was very happy, and the guest also rewarded him heavily.

The origin of the name

One day, Lin Fengwu visited Ji Wenda, and Ji asked: "Is there any reason why you named Fengwu? ? Lin replied: "When my mother gave birth to me, she dreamed of a phoenix perching on a sycamore tree, so she named me this way." Ji Wenda sighed: "Your mother's dream is wonderful!" If you are unlucky and dream about chickens hovering among bananas (homophoned as "Ba"), then your name will be unpleasant! Lin Fengwu laughed and said, "You are really good at playing pranks." "

Couplet about missing my wife

A certain boy went to the county town to take the scholar examination. Occasionally he missed his wife, so he wrote a couplet for his own fun: "The army of innocent people" Three hundred miles away, guard a married widow for twenty days. "The classmates saw it and passed it off as a joke.

Laughing at the old boy

A certain boy was 80 years old. When the inspector asked him about articles in the Four Books and Five Classics, he couldn't remember most of them. Some people laughed at him. He made a couplet: "You are still a child at the age of eighty, but you can say that you have lived a long life; you are still not familiar with the Five Classics when you are old, and you are worthy of being a scholar (also referring to being unfamiliar with books)!" "

As lustful as a monk

Li Pingshan, Lei Xiyan and Zhang Boyu had a party and played together. Li Pingshan liked drinking and Lei Xiyan liked eating vegetables, so they joked with each other: " Pingshan loves wine like a fly, Xiyan loves meat like an eagle, and Boyu loves sex like a monk. "After saying that, we laughed together.

Three Don'ts

An old county magistrate wrote three big characters in front of the county gate: "Three Don'ts", below He also made an annotation: “First, I don’t want money, second, I don’t want an official position, and third, I don’t want my life. "The next morning, he went out to check and saw that two more words were added to each line of the annotation: "One does not want money" and "too little" was added; "; "Three do not want life" was added with "too old". The old county magistrate was very angry.

The father bathed and the son slept

Jin Shengtan went to visit a friend, and the friend took a bath Jin Shengtan politely declined and visited his son again, but he was sleeping again.

Jin Sheng sighed and said: "I am still in prison (homophone for 'bath'), and my son has committed another crime (homophone for 'sleep')

He is a human being!"

Bohu Write Correctly

Tang Bohu once wrote a couplet from a businessman of his generation: "Business is like spring, wealth is like water." The man was not satisfied and said that the meaning of the couplet must be obvious and easy to understand. Tang Bohu wrote a new one: "The business in front of the door is like mosquitoes in summer, coming in and out; the copper coins in the cabinet are like lice in winter, catching more and more." A certain businessman said goodbye very happily.

Laozaoshu Troupe

Ye County Zhang and Zhongcheng Hu are the son and daughter of the same family, and the Hu family has a theatrical troupe. One day, when the two wives of Zhang and Hu were having a banquet, Zhang said to Hu: "I heard that Zunfu Liyuan (theatre troupe) is the best." Hu didn't know the meaning of "liyuan", so he replied humbly: "How can it be called a pear garden?" What? It’s just a few old jujube trees.” Everyone covered their mouths and laughed. People called Hu's opera troupe "Laozaoshu Troupe".

Mao's Commentary on Poetry

Xiaoshan Mao Da didn't like Su Dongpo's poems. Wang Jiyong cited Su's poem "Three or two branches of peach blossoms outside the bamboo, and the ducks are prophets of the warm water in the spring river" as an example. You said: "Isn't such a poem a wonderful sentence?" Mao Dake said angrily: "The water is warm in spring. The goose also felt it first, so why did Su Dongpo only talk about duck?" The people next to him burst out laughing.

Yang Ping stole

The Tang Dynasty poet Yang Ping had a cousin who gained fame for stealing his poems. When Yang Ping found out, he was very angry and asked his cousin: "Did you secretly copy my 'One by one cranes fly to the sky' on the test paper?" The cousin replied: "I know that my brother cherishes this poem the most, so I I don't dare to steal." Yang Ping's expression softened and he said, "This can be forgiven."

Beauty is powerful

Wang Zhongsu is a serious person and doesn't like to laugh. He occasionally tells jokes. It must also contain a profound meaning of exhortation and warning. One day, he saw a minister watching a beautiful woman off. The beautiful woman walked away, but the minister kept looking back. Wang Zhongsu said: "This woman is very powerful." The minister asked: "How do you know, sir?" Wang Zhongsu smiled and said: "This is obvious, otherwise, why would your head be always pulled away and turned back by her? ”

The son sat down and bowed his head

Guo Jin was very talented in military affairs and led troops to fight many times and made military exploits. Once, when he finished building a house in the north of the city, he held a banquet and invited relatives and friends to celebrate. The house builders were also invited to the banquet. Guo Jin arranged the banquet for the craftsmen in the east of the hall, and the banquet for his nephews in the west of the hall. Someone said: "How can the sons be placed side by side with the craftsmen and still be at the bottom (the ancients regarded the east as the top)?" Guo Jin pointed to the craftsmen: "They are the ones who built the house." Referring to the sons: "They are the ones who sell the house (implying that they will ruin the family in the future), so they should sit under the house builders."

Prostitute Jokes

Juren Yang Shaonan visited a certain county and got close to a prostitute. At that time, the prostitute was still a girl. A few years later, he returned to a certain county. By this time, his beard had grown longer and the girl had become a grown-up girl. One day, he and his friends went to see the woman. Yang Shaonan smiled at her and said, "My daughter's family is close to men every day, so it is easy for her to grow up." The woman was not to be outdone. She stepped forward and stroked his beard and said with a smile, "Could it be that the bearded man also grew old because he was close to his daughter's family every day?" Really?" Everyone smiled at each other. I feel that although the prostitute's words are a joke, they are actually enough to make people suddenly wake up!

Xu Xi’s wonderful answer

Xu Xi, the Minister of War, was promoted from an ordinary messenger. One day, he walked into the academy together with a certain number one scholar. The number one scholar pointed at the portrait of Confucius and said, "Do you recognize this old gentleman?" Xu Xi said, "Why don't you? But this old gentleman is not a top scorer in the imperial examination. "A certain number one scholar was too embarrassed to answer.

Tu'er's composition

There was a butcher whose son studied poetry and wanted to be an official. One day, he asked a certain Taishi for advice on an article. The Taishi commented on his article and said: "It has strong bones and a heavy weight. You can put it on your desk and chew it over and over without getting tired of it." This is obviously a compliment, but it is actually a satire.

Three more pounds

There was a county official who was drunk all day long.

One afternoon, after drinking a bottle of wine, and just as he was about to ask the official to buy him some more wine, he suddenly heard someone outside shouting that he was wronged. He was very angry. He sent an order to the court and ordered the official to use a board to hit those who complained about injustice. The waiter asked: "How much?" He drunkenly stretched out three fingers and said: "Another 3 pounds!"

Pay more for the cakes

A customer asked the bakery owner : "How much does a cake cost?" The boss replied: "One penny a piece." The customer ate several cakes in a row and paid according to the price. The boss said: "The cake is made of noodles, so you still have to pay for the noodles." The customer immediately paid for the noodles. The boss said again: "Don't you want to bake the cake with firewood and mix it with water? You still have to pay for the grass and water." The customer immediately paid for the grass and water. The boss said: "The cakes have to be made manually." The customer paid again. The customer returned home, thought about it, laughed and scolded himself: "I'm so stupid. After paying those three kinds of money, I shouldn't have to pay for the cake again!"

Reporting a famine

In famine years, farmers report disasters to the government. The official asked about the wheat harvest, and he replied: "Only three percent of the harvest." He asked about the cotton harvest, and he replied: "Only two percent of the harvest." Then he asked about the rice harvest, and he replied: "It is only two percent of the harvest." The official was very surprised. Angry: "You've already got 70% of the harvest, why are you fabricating a bad harvest?" The farmer was angry and funny, so he said, "I have lived for more than 100 years, and I have never seen such a big famine." The official asked: "How come you are over 100 years old?!" the farmer replied, "I am in my 70s, my eldest son is in his 40s, and my second son is in his 30s, don't they add up?" This statement made the whole audience burst into laughter. The official laughed so hard that his face turned red.

Grandsons of Cai Jing

The powerful official Cai Jing of the Song Dynasty had several grandsons who had never seen growing crops. One day, Cai Jing asked them jokingly: "You eat white rice every day, try to tell me, where does this rice come from?" A grandson said: "This rice comes out of the stone mortar for pounding rice." Cai Jing Laughed. Another grandson thought: The rice in the capital is transported in mat bags, so he said: "No, I saw it coming out of mat bags."

Shaoling can kill

During the Qianlong period, Lin Qianzhi, Siye (an official name, assisting the Imperial College in offering wine and taking charge of supervisory affairs), and Peng Zhong, a Zhengxue (an official name, equivalent to a professor in the Imperial Academy), traveled to Tianzhu, drinking and discussing poetry together. When the two talked about the beauty of Du Fu's poems, they drunkenly said: "Du Shaoling can be killed." (Killable: really satisfying. Ke: satisfying. Killing: evil.) Someone heard it next door, so they went around to tell Others said: "There was a major incident. Lin Siye and Peng Zhengxue murdered people in Tianzhu." Others asked: "Who was killed?" This person said: "It was Du Shaoling. I wonder where he is from?"

Bear's paw is a dish

The teacher asked the students to explain the meaning of the sentence "Bear's paw is also what I want" in "Mencius". A student wrote: "When you eat in the morning, you eat bear paws as a side dish; when you eat in the evening, you eat bear paws as a side dish." The teacher laughed and said: "I have never been able to get a small piece of bear paw to taste, but you can treat it as a A side dish to eat." The students burst into laughter.

No matter how jealous

There was an official in Haifeng named Zhang Mu'an. One day, while driving out of the government palace in a carriage, an old lady stumbled and stopped the carriage to complain, saying that her husband had taken a wife and stopped paying attention to her. Zhang Mu'an laughed loudly, scolded her to give way, and said: "I am a salt seller, I don't care about people's jealousy!"

Unjust injustice

Mr. Chen Jushan is over 60 years old , but the hair and beard are all black. Friend Qiu Wenda said jokingly: "If you use age as a criterion, your hair and beard can be said to have been wronged!" When Chen Jing asked the reason, Qiu replied: "They have suffered an unfair injustice."

Going to a meeting with a red face

Someone is usually taboo. Whenever the family celebrates festivals, he always advocates the color red. Guests riding white horses to the banquet are never allowed to enter his stable. There was a young guest who was good at telling jokes and went to the party with red powder on his face. The host was very surprised. The young man said: "I know you hate the color white, so I don't dare to use a white face to make people unhappy." The whole crowd burst into laughter, and the host felt ashamed, and he changed his habit of avoiding the color.

It’s a poem by a blind man

Meng Haoran, a poet of the Tang Dynasty, has a famous poem called Five Wonders: "I sleep in spring without realizing the dawn, I hear birds singing everywhere, I hear the sound of wind and rain at night, and I know how many flowers have fallen." Someone slapped the table. He was amazed, shaking his head from time to time and chanting again and again; but one person disagreed and said: "This is a blind man's poem." Those who heard this were speechless for a while.

Unsuccessful Poems

Tang Qingchen wrote a poem about Xiadi (failed in the imperial examination), which is very humorous: "When I came back from afar, my wife was not happy; the yellow dog is just affectionate, Wagging one's tail when lying at the door (to welcome the master back)." My friends all laughed after reading it.

Poem in Ode to Glasses

Someone wrote a poem titled "Ode to Glasses": "A long rope is tied to both ears (in ancient times, glasses were tied to the helix with a rope), and a cross bridge Nose span." Someone looked at it and said: "When the long shackles (torture tools) are removed from the nose all the time?"

Some people have a sweet taste.

I wrote a poem and felt it was good, so I showed it to Zhong Xiaohai. Zhong Xiaohai said: "The poem is well written, but it's a bit too sweet." The man said in surprise: "Why?" Zhong Xiaohai replied: "It's Tang (Tang poetry, homophone for "sugar") flavor, why isn't it sweet? ?” (Scorning him for imitating Tang poetry.)

Cai Zi’s Oiling

Cai Zhishan likes to call himself “Cai Zi” (“子”), a good name for a man who was good at morals in ancient times. ). Once, he wrote a poem for Wang Yongfu to comment on. Wang read it and said, "This is just a limerick." Cai Zhishan was very angry and said, "This is the authentic genre of "Selected Works of Zhaoming". How do you say limerick?" Wang replied: "If Cai Zi (pronounced "Caizi") doesn't use oil, what can he use to oil it?!"

My wife was sleeping in the monk's room

Shang Shu Huo Tao wanted to demolish the temple building and his own house, so he He instigated the county magistrate to expel the monks. The monk inscribed two poems on the wall: "The scholar (Huo Tao is a scholar) moved his family to the monk's temple, and the wife of Huiyuan (Huo Tao's name) slept in the old monk's room." Huo Tao felt ashamed after seeing this, so he canceled the demolition of the temple. House building plans.