The funniest classic funny quotations

Why does the rain have to stay with me when I don't have an umbrella?

No lover, no enemies, making people lonely.

Failure is the mother of success, but failure leads to habitual abortion.

Life makes us spin, so that we can go further.

Spider-Man became a citizen of China one day. What has he become? Answer: Pearl of the Orient.

You say life is cheap, but once you enter the hospital, it is extremely expensive.

In fact, what I hate is not the mistress, but the little beggars who can't stand the temptation of the mistress.

The less things in your mind, the more tricks in your mind.

I was afraid of heights when I was a child, so I am not tall now.

You have the right to remain silent, but I take everything you say as a compliment.

Ask me about my weight? Just kidding, real fat people never get on the scale!

Mosquitoes are gods. If you don't buy some mosquito-repellent incense to burn, it will sting you all the time.

If you think all the gods are floating clouds, you are heartless enough.

It is said that Taobao shopkeepers hate this idiom most: no friends.

The new "three unfilial" is said to be studying literature, taking the postgraduate entrance examination and having no object.

Even gas is inert, so why can't that person be lazy?

There is a kind of love called "I don't care", and there is a kind of love called "count me out of luck".

In view of your curative effect, we have developed this condition.

The house price is so high that I can't even make up the down payment for your heart.

Cats have nine lives. Why do we always experiment with mice?

Why do mosquitoes have to be killed when they suck blood, and sanitary napkins are fine?

There is pure friendship between men and women because girls are not beautiful enough.

Give yourself a slap in the face and let yourself clearly realize your cowardice and incompetence. Nothing you do is waste.

The upgraded version of Friends is a couple, and the advanced version of Friends is a stranger.

Every time I am scolded, I remember how to talk back when I lie in bed at night.

Who the fuck is saying "I don't care about appearance"? I kicked him to death.

Just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I agree that you can hurt me again and again.

I can't sleep during the day or at night. "This is my present state of life.

I am not a whiny bitch, I am a good girl full of sexual intercourse.

Give me a car accident, either death or amnesia.

I'd rather stay alone than stay with people who are out of step.

Don't forget what others say when they are angry, because that is often the truth.

Blame yourself. Have the ability to like others, but have the ability to make others like you.

Only by eating hard can you drive a Land Rover; Teenagers don't work hard, so they can only drive Li Xia.

I said: I have acne, so ugly. He said: ugly is ugly, no one robbed me of ugliness.

How dare I touch you? I'm afraid I will buy hand sanitizer to help myself.

The greatest happiness is three things: someone believes you, someone is with you, and someone is waiting for you.

I can answer blows with blows when I am scolded by strangers, but I can't stand being hurt by familiar people.

There are two me in the world, one pretending to be happy and the other really sad.

I'd rather be a bitch than be trampled by men.

As a foodie, eating doesn't mean being hungry, just because your mouth is lonely.

Old love vows are like passing clouds. When you think of a sentence, you will be slapped.

Even if I die, I will leave a widow for this world.

True trust is when you say: I fart, she will never cover her nose.

The early bird may not catch the worm, but the overnight bird may arrive first.

When you are alive, you will be laughed at at first, then you will laugh at others, and finally you will die laughing.

Men's meticulous attraction is second only to women's nudity.

Very humorous classic funny quotations.

Liang: "What day is Friday?" Mr. He: "(after thinking for more than a minute) What's the date today?" Liang suddenly laughed, and he suddenly realized that he had been played …

Bajie, if I don't show you the text message, it won't be a pig

Every morning when I log on to a website, the system will politely say "Good morning, Brother Fei!" " "Afternoon login is" Good afternoon, Brother Fei ". Late at night, I didn't sleep. I logged on that website again when I was idle. That system shows humanity: Brother Fei, haven't you slept yet?

There are always banquets! There is a banquet in the field! There is always a banquet! Recommend you: there are banquets every day. Eating and drinking Lazar stimulates domestic demand, promotes eyeball consumption and makes crabs delicious! Congratulations: every day is a good time to eat, a feast, an affair and a peach blossom!

You went to the dinner party, and you were having an affair at the banquet! You will be shocked in an instant, you will be shocked! I wish you good taste and good eye. I wish you happiness when you meet your lover! (*^0^*)

In primary school, we were asked to learn from Lei Feng, that is, to do good deeds every day. Therefore, we often make up stories to help the old lady collect water and return the wallet to the owner, and compete with lies, because those who lie more can be class cadres. I have been a monitor for many years, which shows that my tongue skills are good, and I almost have the quality of being a news spokesman. Of course, doing one good deed every day is out of fashion. The idea now is: do one good deed every day.

Woman: Husband! The man was so absorbed in watching TV that he didn't notice his wife's phone call. Woman: Husband, old man! The man turned around: old woman, what can I do? After saying his word, a powder fist came to my face.

Man: I want to hold you tightly and hold you in my arms. . . Woman: Stop it, stop it. You are shameless. Look at all the grandmothers in their fifties and sixties here. Who do you want to hold in your arms? M: Yes. . .

A beautiful actress came home from work at night and went to the bathroom to gargle. Husband asked urgently, what happened today? The actress replied, I have been kissing all afternoon. That's disgusting. Come back and rinse your mouth! My husband is speechless. A few days later, the actress came home, took off her clothes and took a bath in the bathroom. Her husband was shocked and asked, what, today is not a sex scene, is it?

The poor want to live the life of the rich, and the rich want to live forever. The immortals wonder there: Shit, when will this life end?

When did Wenshan ask about the sea? How much do you know about your homework? Xiaolou cooked the eagle again last night, looking back at the bright moon, it was unbearable to look back. There should still be relevant regulations, but the school has changed. How much trouble can you have, just like a river flowing eastward.

An out-of-tune singer participated in a cultural performance and arranged a professional fan to cooperate under the stage. During the performance, it is the singer's turn to play. After singing a song, the professional fans in the audience shouted: One more song! When this statement came out, the scene was in chaos, and the front row audience surrounded the unlucky fans and beat them up.

The Year of the Tiger has begun, and the girls will not stop. There are countless beautiful women, and the stars in their eyes are shining. Take one today, take a couple tomorrow, and only take the one you want. You'd better choose hard. I didn't get anything. This is playboy's fault. I advise you to take care of yourself, but a girl who is too worried will get hurt. Be single-minded and don't bully good women.

I am a second-rate chef, but I have a first-rate chef, who is my girlfriend. To say that she is first-class, I don't mean that she is a good cook, but that she is young and beautiful. So I am a second-rate chef, and I am still very happy. I'm going to work in a foreign country recently, and I'm going to talk to a good-looking hotel. When I left, the boss said to me, can you ask your assistant to come to work alone and give her your salary?

A pair of eagles gave birth to a baby eagle. When the baby eagle grows up, it shows a characteristic, that is, it is lazy during the day and its eyesight is very low, but it is lively at night and its eyesight is super strong. After consulting experts, the eagle asked the female eagle for atonement. "What is this?" The female eagle is guilty and dejected. "I'm sorry I lied to you." "How did you lie to me?" "I used to be an owl. In Me Before You, I have fixed my face."

Xiaohe: Hey, do you want to go to the city when you go back to Xiamen? . Xiao pang: the transition from the countryside to the city. Xiaohe: How to change the temperament of handsome guys? Xiao pang recently: I took the route of African refugees.

At the peak of electricity consumption, a group of fireflies are attached to the lamp for lighting. The mosquito saw it and asked, "What are you doing?" A firefly should arrive: no way, prices have gone up again, just to marry a daughter-in-law and earn some extra money.

43 super classic funny quotations, so funny.

1, teacher, you are the devil in my heart. The closer I am to you, the farther I am from Buddha. ...

2, love, just say it out loud, because you never know, tomorrow or accident, which comes first!

If I win10 million, I will buy 30 houses and rent them to others, and collect the rent once a day. Wow, Kaka ~ ~ It's full!

I didn't leave my grandfather here, but I have my own place. I won't leave you anywhere and go home to do housework.

I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

6. Why do I always feel unhappy? Is it because I wasn't at home when I was chasing Happyness?

7. I never hold grudges. I usually report it on the spot.

8. I am not RMB. How can I make everyone like me?

9. Holding the child's hand, I realized that the child was ugly and burst into tears, and the child never left me.

10, cherish life-if God keeps you alive, he must have his plans.

1 1, Lei Feng did a good thing without leaving a name, but everything was recorded in his diary.

12, the physical education teacher in junior high school said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class again will be punished for handstand.

13, if you choose to look up at others at 45, don't blame others for looking down at you at 135.

14, if you see a shadow in front, don't be afraid, it's because there is sunshine behind!

15, I allow you to walk into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

16, people never know who inadvertently said goodbye to you and then really disappeared.

17 How long is a minute? It depends on whether you are squatting in the toilet or waiting outside. ...

18, the most attractive person is "Master Kong", and thousands of people are hitting on him every day.

19, I miss you so much that I can't eat. That's disgusting!

20. Actually, I used to be quite tall, but later I often took a shower and shrunk.

2 1, Chopin of Niu B, can't play Lao Tzu's sadness!

Be happy when you are alive, because we will die for a long time.

Please don't speak English in front of me in the future, ok?

24. Don't come to me for nothing and don't come to me for everything!

25. I like you so much that you will die.

26. A man's words are like an old lady's teeth. How much is true? !

27. You will never see my loneliest time, because when I can't see you, it is my loneliest time!

28. I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually streaked in too many chefs for more than 20 years!

I am in a bad mood today. I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the first two. I've had enough.

The real meaning of the iron rice bowl is not to eat in one place for a lifetime, but to eat in every place for a lifetime.

3 1, even if it is a piece of shit, I will meet dung beetles one day. So you don't have to worry too much about yourself today.

32. Love is a very strong word. The upper part of it is taken from Metamorphosis, and the lower part is taken from Metamorphosis.

33. After several decades, we will meet again and send them to the crematorium. They will all be burned to ashes, one for you and one for me. No one knows anyone, and they have to be sent to the countryside to make fertilizer.

34. What touched my dad the most: "Study hard, son. Dad used to play mahjong 10 yuan, and now he plays mahjong 10 yuan to learn from you. "

35. Comrades: Don't speculate in stocks. It's too risky Tofu is the safest! Tofu is dry and hard, tofu brain is thin, tofu skin is thin, soybean milk is useless, and stinky tofu stinks! Don't lose!

36.girls! Where are so many white horses? Find a donkey to make do, don't wait until one day all the donkeys are taken away, leaving a pile of mules.

37, the so-called beauty, three points of appearance and seven points of dressing up the so-called temperament, three points of talent and seven points of pretending to be so-called gentleness, three points of tolerance and seven points of depression.

38. If you want to make chopsticks, you won't be lonely!

I don't even believe in punctuation.

40, the iron cock will leave some rust, you are simply a stainless steel cock!

4 1. Count the stars with me. If your IQ is low, count the moon!

42. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

43. Zhuge Liang never took a single soldier before he came out of the mountain! Why do I need work experience?

The funniest joke Tell jokes.

The funniest joke is about the latest paragraph 1. My parents said never to fall in love at school, as if someone really valued me.

As long as I put on my school uniform, I dare to sit on any dirty ground.

For those who like to talk and write "Good night to the world" before going to bed, I want to ask "Is jet lag really okay?" .

Call me garbage, but only if you are better than me, otherwise you are even worse than garbage.

Homework Jun, when I grow up, I must find a husband like you to accompany me every day. I hit you and scolded you, but you never left me.

6. "My neighbor has become calculating." "Speak human words!" "He changed the WIFI password."

7. The ratio of male to female is three to one, that is, one couple and one homosexual.

8. What makes me happy when waiting in line is not that there are fewer and fewer people in front, but that there are more and more people behind.

9. True love is knowing that the other person is a pig and being afraid of being taken away by others.

10. Exams are like getting sick. Depression before the exam, amnesia during the exam. After the exam, my condition began to improve. I had a heart attack when I got the newspaper back.

1 1. "What is more difficult than the eight-year war of resistance and the nine-year compulsory education?"

12. Everything in this world can be fake, but the only thing I can't stand is that the money in my hand is fake.

13. The school has just signed in for five days in a row and sent you a homework spree.

14. "If you were hit by a car and flew 10 meters away, what would you say when you got up?" "the next car"

15. After all, women are still emotional and have no immunity to all kinds of small animals, such as Bugatti Veyron, Hummer, Jaguar, Land Rover, BMW and, of course, Tmall.

16. "Do you know why we have a geography class?" "Because there is no justice."

17. My math scores will never exceed my weight, and I don't know if I'm too heavy or I'm too bad at math.

18. Others laugh at me for being too slutty, and I laugh at others for not being open.

19. I think there must be many people who secretly love me, because no one has confessed to me for so many years.

20. In this embarrassing season again, a man in a shirt and a man in a cotton-padded jacket passed by in the street, looked at each other, and then both said SB in their hearts.

2 1. Just because I took one more look at you in the crowd, you thought I wanted to take your motorcycle.

22. When a good friend has a date, I feel that my hard-earned vegetables have been arched by pigs.

23. After such a long school life, no one in our class can even make me feel better.

24. How lovely the world would be if my exam results could rise as fast as the house price.

25. I spit it out and posted it on the computer. Actually, it's nothing. I just hope the internet speed doesn't stop like I said.

The funniest joke is about popular jokes 1. Four evils in the new era: Toyota's chassis, developers' real estate, stock market and ex-boyfriend's hard disk.

I would rather be fat and delicate than thin and similar.

3. Take courage to lower your head and raise your head confidently.

Now many men have become pure men, and many women have become pure men.

We will know about tomorrow the day after tomorrow.

Give me a fulcrum, and I can pry your girlfriend away.

7. Real dinosaurs glow when they turn off the lights.

If I say one more word to you, I'll feel like a John.

9. All beings are hungry. I see it in my eyes, but it hurts in my eggs.

10. It's all boiled water, so what do you pack?

1 1. Come on, let me give you a piece of your favorite swan meat.

12. Either you love me or you leave me. Don't bother me.

13. Men hate people who seduce their wives, especially those who give up halfway.

14. I wanted to eat my sorrow bit by bit, but I got fat bit by bit.

15. Brother is not Baidu, don't ask me everything!

16. Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, someone praised my left nostril as an idol.

17. You can't catch the tail of youth, but you can only smell the P of youth.

18. It's said that I met love around the corner, damn it, I was accidentally hit by a car when I turned the corner!

19. I have lived for more than 20 years and failed to do anything for the country and the people. Every time I think about it, my heart aches.

20. There is an animal that looks like a human.

2 1. I am not wrong, but I have never been right!

22. It doesn't matter if your head is empty. The key is not to get into the water.

23. At this age, the only thing I can afford but can't put down is chopsticks.

24. I can't find it anywhere, and I am still lamenting the small waist. Idle hate, a suit of fat.

25. There are no white pies in the sky, only white bricks.

The funniest joke is about the classic 1. Beating is kissing, scolding is love, scolding your mother all the time, and you are almost in love with your mother.

2. I'm sorry that my sister is so straightforward and can't say what you like to hear.

It is better to laugh at life than to escape from reality.

I regard money as dirt and my father regards me as a septic tank.

I don't agree with you, but I will defend to the death my right not to let you speak.

6. Maxima is very common, but Maxima's mother is not common.

7. At the beginning of life, human nature is good. You fry the cake and I'll fry the eggs.

8, a group of dogs behind the money, it is difficult to go without money.

9. Don't play with me, or I'll play along.

10, eat, drink and be merry, that's the goods, and sharing weal and woe is the wife.

1 1, men may not be handsome, but they must have taste.

12, there can really be pure friendship between men and women, as long as one kills and the other plays dumb to the end.

13. Next, I'm going to perform a stunt handed down from my family. A big stone broke my chest.

14, good people are set off by these bad people.

15, all kinds of bites, all kinds of ditties, all kinds of tunes.

16, I looked down, not out of fear, but looking for bricks.

17, everyone said mistress was a bitch, but forgot to weigh whether the man who was taken away really loved you.

18, don't mess with me. I'm not the lofty branch you messed up.

19, life is in vain without struggle, and life is boring without suffering.

Have a good rest during the day, because you have to sleep at night!

2 1, save money for smoking and buy candy for your daughter-in-law.

22. I went to the city to take part in the pigeon racing yesterday, but I went alone.

23. Everyone asked you to play Baidu, but suddenly I looked back, and you were in sogou.

24. Look at a temple from a distance, and then look at our alma mater, with more than 300 nuns and more than 10,000 old roads.