The child is too playful. Is it advisable to shut him out for reflection?

photo by Arwan Sutanto on unsplash

Keywords: punishing Punishment

Q: I have two children. Dabao has just entered a large kindergarten class, and Erbao is still young. Because the father of the child often works overtime and goes on business trips, I usually take care of him alone most of the time, but I really feel a little exhausted.

Dabao, in particular, is playful and rebellious. I asked him to do his homework, but he insisted on playing with toys. I didn't know how to educate him, so I had to shut him out of the corridor and let him reflect on himself.

Actually, I didn't go away. I was listening behind the door. I told him to figure out what was wrong before coming in. He kept crying and crying, and I was very distressed. I didn't know if I had done it right.

I know I shouldn't hit my child, but when educating my child, is such an appropriate punishment desirable?

Jane Jane Zhou only focuses on the scene you mentioned. I'm not sure what the child did wrong and needs to be punished.

For preschool children, full play (except electronic products and mobile games) is more important than doing homework.

Letting children learn early, ahead of time and study hard is just a manifestation of parents' anxiety about the pressure of social competition.

From the perspective of brain development, letting children study and do homework too early will restrict their thinking development.

In particular, it is easy to bring frustration to children by making them chew on knowledge and content that is more difficult than their normal development level can absorb, which leads to their early loss of confidence in learning.

If you haven't entered primary school, your child is already resistant to learning, and it will be even more difficult to change his view and cognition of learning in the future.

And play is of great significance to stimulate children's brain development, help children enhance their psychological energy, gain self-confidence and improve their emotional ability. And these are the necessary software for children to successfully complete their studies and improve their competitiveness in the future.

If you think the child's fault lies in "disobedience", then you need to introspect first. Is your "words" reasonable? Should the child listen?

let's talk about punishment.

If the child really does something wrong, or it is necessary to set restrictions or rules for the child, then punishment may not be effective, and it may even be counterproductive.

even if the child is shocked for a while, one day, he will resist in a more intense form.

Because punishment can't stimulate children's internal driving force, and when punished, children will experience a lot of bad negative emotions, such as loneliness, abandonment, anger, depression ... and the breakdown of their relationship with their parents.

under the interference of these emotions, the part of the child's brain responsible for rational thinking will only stop, let alone grow up and reflect.

locking the child in the corridor outside the door to reflect, although there is no corporal punishment for the child, it is also a heavy punishment for the child, which may even be worse than beating him.

Because this punishment is threatened by "abandonment", it will bring a strong sense of insecurity to children and destroy the parent-child relationship and children's trust in you.

It is only the wishful thinking of adults to make children think clearly what is wrong and correct it automatically in this way. Children will only be trapped in the fear and loneliness of being abandoned and isolated, and have no spare capacity to reflect. Even if he knows what to do, he may not be able to do it.

If the child is really wrong, instead of letting the child "reflect on himself", it is better to tell him clearly what to do is right.

to sum up, I have a few suggestions.

When you feel that you need to teach your child a lesson, don't act in a hurry. Think about it. Did the child really do something wrong, or did it just annoy you because it didn't go smoothly?

if it is the latter, the next step you may need to take is to leave by yourself, deal with your emotions first, and then communicate with your children.

If it's the former, then, first evaluate your emotional state. If you are emotional, first pause and deal with your emotions. If you are ready, you can initiate a family meeting and invite your children to join the discussion.

You can listen to your child's thoughts first. If he is also emotional, just help him deal with his emotions, stay with him, and understand and accept him. At the same time, you can also express your feelings and thoughts.

treat the children's problems as your common problems, and discuss how to make up or correct them.

If you give your child respect and trust, your child will be more cooperative and more effective in execution.

Look at the problem in a different way and try it. Maybe you will get different results.

-today's clinic-

Jane Jane Weeks

One parent co-founder

Game parenting lecturer, children's game therapist, parent-child relationship consultant

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