Avoidant personality?

With regard to personality disorder and unsafe attachment, I want to say first that it is not recommended for anyone to label themselves and others. These are never clearly defined in black and white. Psychology is an abstruse and complicated subject, and perhaps human cognition and research on it is just the tip of the iceberg. This paper expounds some opinions based on some actual cases and consulting a large number of related books and documents. Let me first talk about the general definition criteria of personality disorder:

1: Does the individual behavior type deviate from the cultural atmosphere to a great extent?

2. Whether it has brought obvious obstacles and troubles to individuals and their lives.

Whether it can be traced back to childhood or adolescence,

4. It lasted quite a long time.

5. It cannot be attributed to other mental diseases or drug-induced or physical diseases.

Avoidant personality

One characteristic of avoidant personality is that in their eyes, life is made up of a group of troubles, and these troubles are called troubles because they need to consume energy and are related to responsibility. When it comes to responsibility, they need to bear it. Taking it may make them fail, get hurt and lose control, but it is not serious enough to make them desperate to die, so they avoid taking it.

Another characteristic of avoidant personality is that it is easily hurt in interpersonal relationships. On the one hand, it is based on being overly sensitive and caring about other people's feelings, on the other hand, it is based on inner inferiority, which is also the main reason for avoidance. It can be summed up in one sentence: strong self-esteem but not self-confidence. Fear of psychological harm caused by others' negative comments on themselves, and then avoid social activities and interpersonal relationships, is also similar to what people often say "blx". It is better to do nothing than risk doing something that might break your glass and your heart.

For many people, it is natural to spend some time, energy and investment to participate in social activities or improve communication with others, which will bring more benefits to themselves. The avoidant type has no such cognition. In their view, this is very deliberate. Although there are benefits, there are more unknown risks. Compared with the huge risks envisaged in their minds, this benefit is completely negligible.

Negative mentality intensifies their avoidance characteristics, which also involves a problem of "mental ability" The mental energy of avoidant personality is relatively less, because they don't get enough sense of security when they are very young, or they are over-controlled, so they can't explore the outside world safely and moderately, which leads them to habitually avoid exploring the outside world when they are adults, preferring to curl up in their own small world to entertain themselves or feel sorry for themselves.

Their lack of mental energy also stems from their own excessive fear of failure, so if they can't move towards their goals or make a slight mistake, they will choose to give up immediately. Compared with the pain caused by failure, they do nothing at all.

However, the energy of the mind is contrary to the energy of the body, the latter is used less and less, while the former can produce more because of the moderate use of stimulation. The avoidant type rarely goes and is unwilling to use a little inner energy of its own, and the external stimulation is insufficient. Over time, it is directly exhausted.

There is also a kind of mental instability when you escape to avoid being hurt by the same pain again, or when you try to escape but fail. This constitutes a double escape mentality.

This is what people often say: in order not to see the flowers wither, you can't choose directly. This is because they can't bear to see the pain of flowers withering, and because they expect flowers to bloom forever.

Avoidance type

Avoidant attachment is most often accompanied by avoidant personality, and some avoidant personalities are anxious attachment. These people's natural nervousness and anxiety also come from the negative education of their parents since childhood. They are good at reading words and feelings, care too much about others' feelings and attitudes, and strongly need others' sense of identity, which is similar to dependent personality disorder and is also a personality disorder most often accompanied by anxiety and attachment. The difference between them is that dependent personality disorder has a strong desire to control with anxiety and attachment.

Avoidant attachment can be divided into alienation and fear. Most avoidant personalities present fear-avoidant attachment personality in intimate relationships. They yearn for intimacy in their hearts, but intimacy needs closer and unreserved contact, greater openness and deeper acceptance of each other than interpersonal relationships.

This is contrary to their avoidance characteristics, so they will intentionally or unintentionally build a wall between themselves and each other to protect themselves from the parts that make them extremely uncomfortable. In this way, the other party in the relationship will have a painful consciousness of being ignored or even rejected, and will choose to leave after a long time.

Avoidance will not realize the damage that the wall you have built has done to intimate relationships and each other. They will feel that the other person has left me, and they already know that this is the result. No one will love me, and it will hurt to pay. Because they lack empathy for others, it can be said that they were not cultivated this kind of empathy when they were very young and did not know what empathy was.

Fear-avoidance attachment is very afraid of being abandoned in intimate relationship, so it is better to leave first than to be afraid of the other person leaving. But if the other party really leaves, it will fall into a painful entanglement. I want to have a good intimate relationship, but I dare not confide in my heart. Want to be cared about, but dare not rely on each other. Even though the other person showed a lot of love and care for himself, I still had the idea that I would be hurt if I left anyway. Desire but fear of intimacy is their main feature, and they often struggle with each other for many years.

Because of the desire to be loved, many fear-avoidance attachment personalities will construct a perfect personal design of intimate relationship in their hearts and put it on the other side of the relationship intentionally or unintentionally, causing unexpected collapse.

This is different from another kind of alienation-avoiding attachment, which can be said to be basically complete detachment.

Avoidant personality and avoidant attachment are two completely different concepts. Avoidant attachment tries to achieve a state of false independence and no intimate desire through its powerful repression system. Avoidant personality chooses to escape because of fear of failure, but cannot act because of fear of bad results.

If there is anything in common between them, it is that they all adopt an evasive attitude, lack positive will, have weak mental energy and are extremely afraid of being hurt.

However, do you really want to go on like this?

Go back to the distant past bravely! Dig out those past experiences and face the pain, and there is nowhere to hide the pain. Maybe avoidance used to be a defense to protect yourself from harm, but they can also make you lose your future. Think about what you have bravely challenged in the past, strive to increase the stability of your temperament and find the initiative in life.

Flowers bloom and fall, and winter goes to spring, which conforms to the laws of nature, just as joy and sadness are the same experiences of human beings. The first sunshine that wakes you up in the morning and the last sunset that slowly sinks into the horizon; Stumbling in heavy rain and soft words among flowers are the most beautiful scenery in life.