What should I do if I can no longer be optimistic?

Time is like running water. I am still the same me. There is no change at all. I am still powerless to change. It seems that time has been frozen there. My thoughts are getting more depressed and my temper is getting louder. I feel that I am very dangerous. , I have thought about divorce many times. I hate myself even more. Watching TV every day, I only feel relaxed at that moment. As long as I stop, I will become nervous and anxious!

Read, study, exercise, I will force myself to do something every day. Even if it lasts only a few minutes, I am actually fighting inside and feeling depressed. On the one hand, I don't want to go on like this forever, so I'm struggling like this. I am in pain, anxious, lonely and helpless. In the eyes of others, I am pretentious. I don’t like to go out or go shopping. I just want to squat at home every day. But only in this way can I feel comfortable.

Actually, I have a lot of things I want to do. Learn the cello and draw. Dance. major. But I am really powerless at the moment. The child is three years old. Pandemic rest. Take care of the kids yourself. There are endless things to do every day, and almost only one hour at noon can be used. After all, we cannot plan ourselves like every family does. Think about how much you have to do. One hour a day is not enough, the child is almost asleep, and he wakes up after tidying up. If you don't tidy up for a long time, there may be conflicts.

In the past two days, I accidentally saw a dance video. The dance was so good, and the feeling of release attracted me. I originally wanted to learn to dance, so I bought a dance tutorial and learned the first half. I originally had a stiff physique. I finally learned a little bit and am in a good mood. I shared with my husband that he told me that you are not suitable for dancing, and I suddenly felt cold. It is like this every time. I can’t do this or that. I dance for my own entertainment. What’s wrong? I want someone to give me strength. But no, I felt like I was walking into an abyss and couldn't get out. The more you struggle. The further down. I don't want to give up, but what should I do and where to start. I’m incompetent, I’m married, I have children, what’s my value? I have thought about divorce, but I have to compromise when thinking about my children. My husband is also good to me. But this is not the life I want, I am not happy now. It's painful and has no value of its own. Family with kids every day, even at work. I still want to have children and a family, and I feel like there is a stone pressing on me. I admire the mothers around me very much. They are so capable every day and can still persist when they are tired. They are not as weak as me. I am afraid that it would be a failure for women to be like me. The home is not well taken care of. Career is not good either. So what else can I do? It turns out that I am so fragile. When you get a little tired, you won’t be able to hold on! It feels like the world has collapsed. I can't keep my spirits up every day. I’m so tired even if I don’t work. Am I sick? How can I get better?