After 80 years of trial and error in marriage

After 80 years of trial and error in marriage

What is the status of post-80s generation in marriage now? The following "Trial and error in marriage" was compiled by me for you after 80, and I will share it with you here.

1. Strong self

? Why can't you tell me your mobile phone password and QQ password? Suzhou girl Gu Liang was questioned by her ex-husband. The ex-husband believes that after marriage, we must be honest with each other and both sides should open their hearts to each other. To this end, he took the initiative to tell Gu Liang these passwords to prove his innocence.

Gu Liang doesn't want to. Everyone has privacy. She is innocent, but she doesn't feel trusted.

My ex-husband advised me this way: since it's nothing, why would you rather maintain some irrelevant privacy than give me a real sense of security?

She was almost persuaded. Yes, it doesn't matter if you give it, anyway, you have a clear conscience; On second thought, it is still wrong. Since you have a clear conscience, you shouldn't give it. ?

? Do you pay more attention to your privacy after 80s? In a well-known domestic forum, someone asked. Of the 45 answers, most were? Trust is more important? Give each other space? Such a sentence. Every spring festival, one book? A speech outline for relatives' gathering? Because I am concerned about personal privacy issues such as marriage, having children, buying a house, and wages. It has caused many netizens to vomit and scream.

Song Lei and Li Xiao, teachers of Teachers College of Qingdao University, once conducted a questionnaire survey on the post-80s students of China 120 1. The conclusion shows that among the post-80s life values, what are the top five scores? Privacy, responsibility, interdependence, achievement, belonging? ,? China people originally lacked the Western-style concept of privacy based on individualistic values, but this study shows that the baptism of years of reform and opening up has had a profound impact on the concept of China people. ?

The post-80s generation grew with the Internet. With the expansion of higher education in the 1990s, the proportion of post-80s college students and netizens is much higher than that of the previous generation. The reform and opening-up policy has accumulated social wealth, diversified culture and values, and made the post-80s individualism and rights consciousness more prominent, and the concepts of freedom, equality and rights.

Even in marriage, Gu Liang stuck to some of her own ideas? Bottom line? . For example, she doesn't want to wash her husband's underwear. Underwear. She thinks it's too private. She rarely inspects her post and rarely interferes with her husband's economic or financial situation.

However, in the eyes of parents-in-law, is this the biggest in Gu Liang? Guilt? . When the two sides divorced, the in-laws took this out: they couldn't even wash our son's underwear. How dare you say that when his married husband lived in his parents' house, his mother-in-law washed his underwear?

As for economic non-interference, do in-laws regard it as? You don't care about him at all, don't care about him, getting married is the same as not getting married! ?

? However, I gave him so much freedom! ? Gu Liang is also wronged.

She has been reluctant to give her mobile phone password and QQ password. Once, while she was unprepared, her husband snatched her mobile phone, changed her login password and began to check her chat records. To this end, the two had a big fight.

? Everyone is used to being self-centered and has less sense of sharing. ? Recalling his married life, Gu Liang told the reporter of China Newsweek. What really bothers her is that both of them are haggling over how much they have to pay for their families.

For example, when they got married, they were still living in a different place, about 3 hours by car. Every weekend, Gu Liang would go to her husband's city, but he never took the initiative to come over, and the two gradually had differences. From going once a week to every other week and not going for the last month, she became more and more discouraged. Why can't you come when I'm alone?

The husband is obsessed with the same deposit. Before they planned to have children, they discussed the savings plan. The husband said that he saved 5,000 yuan a month and Gu Liang saved 3,000 yuan. Gu Liang, a civil servant, has a monthly income of just over 3,000 points, so he objected. The husband insisted that if Gu Liang didn't save him, he wouldn't save him. As a result, this issue was not discussed well, and the deposit plan eventually aborted.

Both husband and wife were unwilling to bow their heads, and the relationship was once stiff. On several occasions, Gu Liang still drove for three hours to her husband's city, but she didn't want to take the initiative to tell her husband that she wanted to spend a weekend alone in her new house and then drive back by herself. At that time, I thought I did the right thing. Shouldn't he take the initiative to go back to his home?

After the divorce, Gu Liang occasionally reflected on himself. Is it too harsh? Should he lay low? Is it worth it for these small and hard self-esteem? Think twice, her answer is still,? Can't compromise, have your own bottom line? .

? I think the difference between the post-80s generation and their parents is that they are unwilling to settle. If you don't feel right, you won't be together. Unlike our previous generation, even if it is not suitable, we can make do for a lifetime for various reasons. ? A divorcee left a message for a reporter of China Newsweek.

However, the post-80s generation is sometimes too bad, right? Not bad? Yes White, a partner and lawyer of Beijing Yifeng Law Firm who has worked for 10 years, came into contact with a couple born in 1980s. Both sides are civil servants in their thirties. There is no external cause for divorce. They quarrel and fight over trifles like who washes the dishes and cooks. They didn't understand each other, didn't trust each other, and finally went to court.

The thoughtfulness of the couple made him laugh and cry. They are worried about the same thing. I washed the dishes today, does that mean I will wash the dishes in the future? .

There are other inexplicable reasons for divorce. Lawyer Liu Zheng, a partner of Beijing National Law Firm, once met a young couple born in 1989 and sued the court for unfair distribution of Transformers. The two had no objection to the distribution of property, and their parents took what they had prepared. Finally, they quarreled over the ownership of Transformers.

Sticking to self is also a double-edged sword. Especially for the post-80s generation, they are a pair of contradictions under the impact of traditional education and modern concepts. As the first generation of only children in New China, they grew up in a relatively superior environment. No brothers and sisters, less collective life experience, more emphasis on self-feeling, unwilling to suffer, not easy to pay, and rarely consider problems from each other's standpoint? This makes the married life of the post-80s generation very bumpy.

2. Trial and error in marriage

? The special situation in China is that many parents don't allow students to fall in love. Even in universities, many parents are against it. But as soon as they graduate from college, all parents want to fall from the sky at once. Excellent in all aspects. People who have a house had better fall in love with their children and get married. ? This is a passage circulated on the Internet by Han Han, a post-80s writer. What's the next sentence? That's a good idea. ?

I have to admit that the post-80s generation lacks emotional experience and marriage education. I was prevented from puppy love when I was young, but I was urged to get married after work. ? Compared with previous generations, they are the first generation after the reform; Compared with the later generation, they grew up in the early stage when the reform was not fully implemented. ? Li Chunling said,? The coexistence, entanglement and gradual change of the two systems, and the contradiction and fracture between slogan and practice have internally torn this generation, leaving them in an embarrassing and contradictory situation. ?

Wang Bo, a 35-year-old Beijinger, was his first love when he got married? Although vaguely, he always has a small pimple in his heart.

My wife once had a boyfriend who was a colleague and good friend of Wang Bo. It was discovered by Wang Bo after her marriage. The two insisted that they had no further contact, but Wang Bo, who was deeply betrayed, could never convince himself. There was a time when he woke up every morning and remembered that his chest was blocked like a stone.

This became the gloomy background of their married life. After several years of stumbling, his wife cheated and the two divorced.

? Maybe at that time, I shouldn't be so bitter. ? Today, Wang Bo began to reflect on himself.

However, no one told him what to do. He spent his college time under the doting of his parents. There was only one ambiguous secret love, and they became pen pals. In addition, there is almost no love experience. At that time, in college, college students fell in love and lived together, which might be recognized by the school? Violation of school rules? , serious will be ordered to drop out of school.

In his childhood, his parents rarely showed intimacy. There is a physical health class in the second day of junior high school, and pictures of male and female organs are impressively printed on the textbook. They were asked to teach themselves the course. In senior three, the teacher was vague. There is also a class teacher who is famous for being strict. If she sees a boy and a girl walking side by side on the way from school, she will deliberately walk among them and forcibly separate them.

After the divorce, Wang Bo met a post-90s girl. He was told that he had had four boyfriends. Wang Bo was surprised, but the girl didn't think so. Love also needs to be experienced. Only in this way can we gradually know what we need and what is suitable for us? .

? Our generation didn't grow up in love, and the result was trial and error in marriage. ? Wang Bo was very shocked.

Wang Jun, deputy director of China Marriage and Family Counseling Service Research Center and a senior divorced family counselor, has been engaged in marriage for more than 20 years. He once met a special couple, both of whom were first love, but they never had intimate relationship after marriage. The wife is a strong woman and seldom cares about her family. Later, my husband cheated on me, and only when I contacted my neighbors did I know that happiness was not what his life looked like.

? A similar situation can easily happen to many men and women who are first married. They are born with a lack of comparison and choice, and in fact there are problems. ? Wang Jun told China Newsweek reporter.

China, which has experienced reform and opening up, often has too many choices and temptations. Cheating and cheating have become a major cause of post-80s divorce. In the divorce cases handled by lawyer Liu Zheng, most of the third parties are colleagues, friends and subordinates around the husband and wife. Men and women of this age have passed the age of looking for excitement on the internet, so unlike imagination, online dating and one-night stands are not entirely the fuse of divorce. ?

Liu Zheng said that making more phone calls, eating meals and sending text messages can bring you an emotional experience of excitement and heartbeat. No one will refuse, but they will not take the initiative to cut off the button. Only when there is substantial progress can people feel moral pressure. Some couples who had a good relationship will turn left and return to their families. On the other hand, turn right and eventually develop into divorce, which cannot be ended.

The divorce rate is the highest after three years of marriage.

Pan He, two assistant judges of Shanghai No.2 Intermediate People's Court, studied 200 divorce cases in a district court in Shanghai on 201-2012. At least one of these cases was born in the 1980s, and all of them applied for divorce instead of mediation.

In marriage? Three years of pain, seven years of itching? Warning, they found that this time has been advanced for the post-80 s marriage. Among them, 26% filed for divorce within two years of marriage, and more than 40% filed for divorce within three years. As for divorce after seven years of marriage, only 9% people apply for divorce.

A case is like this: a couple born in the 1980s got married on June 5438+065438+ 10/0/6 days after they met/kloc-0, and then filed for divorce on the grounds that they didn't know each other for more than a year. Another professor also mentioned that he knew the post-80s youth? Flash marriage and flash away? 25 minutes at the earliest.

? The post-80s generation lacks the patience to adapt to each other, the irrational knowledge and understanding of marriage and their own personality problems lead to the overall promotion and the surge in the number of people filing for divorce. This cannot but be said to be the expression of the impetuous spirit of society in individuals. ? The two assistant judges judged this.

Meng Xue, a girl from Yinchuan, Ningxia, completed the whole process from blind date to marriage in one month. 20 14, 14 In early February, she got engaged with her ex-husband, 14 in June and got married on the 20th. The wedding ceremony was only the fifth time they met.

A week after the blind date, the boy entrusted the matchmaker and went directly to Meng's house to propose marriage. Meng Xue is a little confused. The blind date only lasted half an hour. Accompanied by their parents, they seldom talk directly. After that, they didn't even text or call. How did they suddenly get married?

Her impression of her ex-husband stops at? He is more than one meter seven, and his appearance is ok. . She wants to put it off until the Lunar New Year, but she can't beat her parents who urged her to get married because of illness. She agreed as soon as her mind was hot. What's more, she is 27 years old and belongs to the category of late marriage and late childbirth.

A week after marriage, she soon felt something was wrong: her husband was too cold to her. He seldom laughs when eating and keeps silent. Even if there is a reply, it is often? Hmm? Huh? An interjection. Except the day after the wedding? Do you like it? My husband never expressed any feelings again.

20 15 at the end of February, the two agreed to divorce. Meng Xue figured out the date, and the marriage lasted for 2 months and 5 days.

? To this day, I haven't figured out why I want to get married or divorce. ? Meng Xue said. She wandered into the besieged city and left scarred. Now, she is dating again. The only lesson that this marriage has brought her is: don't get married at will, you must know more.

Xiaobai, a girl from Guangxi, only spent about a month with her husband before getting married. She grew up in a city with superior family conditions; Husband is from the countryside, as people say? Phoenix man? . At first, she didn't care. Unexpectedly, this gap made the gap between them deeper and deeper, and the divorce ended.

They have very different views on money. Is the husband good to himself? Cruel? I cut my hand, so I just want to go to a small clinic for stitches instead of a big hospital, saying it's a waste of money. When she was pregnant, Xiaobai had no appetite. She often buys group coupons to eat out, but only one or twenty yuan is complained by her thrifty husband about spending money indiscriminately.

When it comes to economic issues, husbands become extremely sensitive. Once, they bought a microwave oven for their in-laws in the country. Xiao Bai remembers that her husband's family still uses iron bowls, so she told him that your family should buy some porcelain bowls that can be put into the microwave oven. Unexpectedly, my husband's face immediately fell: Do you think our family is poor? ! ?

What Xiao Bai can't stand is that her husband's family prefers boys to girls. After the daughter was born, the husband came to the hospital to see their mother and daughter, but only three or four meters away from the hospital bed, and gently lifted his chin. My mother-in-law took a horoscope test and decided that this daughter would be? g？ Her father, will you stop screaming in the future? Dad? .

Xiao Lou, a 37-year-old man from Hubei, just got divorced last year. In 2007, he returned home from the army and was introduced to a 26-year-old rural girl. Xiao Lou is engaged in stainless steel business in his hometown, operating on a small scale, with an annual income of 50,000 to 60,000 yuan, which is enough for a family to live a good life in a county-level city.

However, the post-80s wife would rather work in a coastal city than stay at home. The unkind husband lives with his parents-in-law, which is far from her fantasy of a warm and romantic little family life. In the end, she chose? The world is so big, I want to see it? .

Pan He's research found that in 200 divorce cases in Shanghai, 23% people filed for divorce because they didn't know enough before marriage. Because of the short time together, I lacked understanding of each other's living habits, marriage attitude, bad habits and even parents' personality, and finally gave up marriage because the marriage did not meet expectations.

? Get married because you don't know? Again? Separated by understanding? ,? Flash marriage has become a symbol of freedom and independence of the post-80s generation, but it is this hasty marriage that has laid a hidden danger for divorce, reflecting the lack of long-term consideration and planning for the post-80s generation? .

4. Parents become? Third party?

Do not fold the quilt, do not wash clothes. Every time I eat, my mother will take the initiative to put the rice in front of my son. Play games for a long time and sleep until twelve noon. ? He looks like an adult, but in fact he is a child. ? Gu Liang described his 32-year-old ex-husband.

Since the end of 1970s, China has implemented the family planning policy to control the sustainable development of population and economy, with a total population of over 654.38 billion? Only child? . According to statistics, one out of every five post-80s generation in China is an only child, with urban hukou accounting for more than 70%.

The only child born in the 1980s grew up under the care of his parents. Getting married, buying a house and a car, and bringing up children after marriage, almost everything needs the help of parents. Under the double dependence of economy and psychology, the only child born in 1980s has a particularly close bond with his parents. Therefore, parents participated in the post-80 s marriage.

Before marriage, Yangzhou girl Yan Fei officially explained to her husband that she could not live with her parents after marriage. She hopes that her husband will really grow up: he is an only child, spoiled since childhood, and can't even take off his underwear in the shower. Hearing this request, the husband was noncommittal.

One month after marriage, my in-laws suddenly took their luggage and went to live outside the wedding room.

Yan Fei began to be a mother-in-law from then on? Control? Life. My mother-in-law has made many rules of life. For example, the clothes in the closet are neatly folded than those in the mall. Don't hang woolen coats in the wardrobe in winter, but put them in vacuum storage bags. When wearing shoes at home, she naturally put her hand on the shoe cabinet, which led to a criticism: Are your hands dirty? How can I put it on the shoe cabinet? ! ?

Mother-in-law even stipulates that only one piece of toilet paper can be used to urinate. Also, the gasket on the toilet must be lifted after the end.

Yan Fei is difficult to understand. Shouldn't it be a man's job to lift the washing machine? My mother-in-law insisted that she do so. Every time I come out of the bathroom, my mother-in-law will ask, is the washing machine up?

After a long time, Yan Fei felt that he had obsessive-compulsive disorder. One night, she suddenly sat up from the bed and said to herself, Is my toilet closed? Then, I got out of bed in a daze, went directly to the bathroom and lifted the gasket.

? I think your parents and I are equal. You can respect them, but don't just obey them ? Yan Feiyue became more and more depressed, and asked her husband if he could pay to buy another house in the community for his in-laws, not under the same roof, but keep it? A bowl of hot soup? Distance.

Mother-in-law disagreed: What have I done to you? You want to live separately from me? My son and I will not live separately! ?

Wang Jun, deputy director of China Marriage and Family Counseling Service Research Center, said that his parents were married after 1980s? Third party? ,? Many people don't have brothers and sisters. When they encounter problems, the only solution is to tell their parents. However, parents are absolutely on the side of children. Without the room for parents to intervene, the problem will escalate. ?

He gave an example, such as a wife who locked her husband out of the door. The first two times, the husband went to the office, which is still between husband and wife; The third time, my husband went to her mother-in-law's house. The mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law. I have your husband. Don't worry. After that, the mother-in-law had a huge prejudice against her daughter-in-law.

? Many divorced families I contact are often followed by their parents. Later, they quarreled, and their parents-in-law scolded each other on the phone, even if one was in the northeast and the other was in the south. ? Wang Jun said.

Yan Fei and her husband finally got into trouble because of their mother-in-law. After the birth of her daughter, her mother-in-law insisted on wiping the wrinkles with alum according to the local old prescription to prevent eczema. Yan Fei is not reconciled. She consulted a doctor before, and the doctor objected, saying that cooked alum is a chemical substance and can be replaced by pine pollen or talcum powder.

My mother-in-law won't listen. When Yan Fei and her husband were discussing whether to use alum in the room, her mother-in-law broke into the room and her hands trembled with anger. Don't be self-righteous! ? What's next? Your wings are hard. How hard is it for us to be parents? In that case.

Yan Fei, who is still in confinement, answered her mouth for the first time. Mother-in-law asked her to apologize, or what? I told my son to divorce you! ?

Yan Fei's mother is also in the house at this moment, so it is natural to hide her daughter so as not to be wronged. On this day, the two mothers had a war of words, which was officially torn.

Yan Fei's marriage finally ended when her daughter was one year old? Just like urging them to get married, their parents support and encourage them to divorce with great enthusiasm.

Today, Yan Fei said that she didn't hate her ex-husband. On the contrary, she still has some pity for him. The only son who is passive to Nuo Nuo and Nuo Nuo in front of his parents? Ma Baonan? I didn't dare to make up my mind until I went to the divorce court. Every time the judge asks the client what he thinks, he calls his parents first.

5. Strong and weak women

In Liu Zheng's law firm, post-80s people often come to consult. One day, the daughter of a friend of my father came to see him and said that the man wanted to divorce her. What is the reason? He thinks I have a reaction? . Ask again carefully, the man said that because of her dry skin in winter, she often dropped some dander on the sheets, which made him unbearable.

Liu Zheng told her that it didn't make sense. Didn't you get rid of dandruff before? Why didn't he feel the diaphragm before? Inspired, the girl went back to find signs that the man had changed his mind and cheated, and filed for divorce.

Another girl came to Liu Zheng and asked a lawyer to help dissolve the cohabitation relationship and distribute the property during the six-month cohabitation. What is the reason given by the man for breaking up? Do you think she smells? . Liu Zheng asked:? So he didn't think you smelled before?

Zheng Liu told China Newsweek that I don't know whether these girls are really stupid or fake stupid. They always believe in some inexplicable reasons. It turned out that the girl met a man on QQ, chatted well, ran to Beijing to meet and live together, and then was cheated. She wants to get some compensation for this relationship, but what can she get from living together for half a year? Zheng Liu said that when she grows up and matures, she will find that this is really just a joke.

? See the right eye? This is considered to be the easiest thing at present. ? I think he is very humorous. I like eating and watching movies with him. ? Liu Zheng often hears young girls around him say this. Such a small child still thinks it is true love after eight times of love. I fall in love with each other quickly every time I cry. ? Liu Zheng said that such feelings can certainly not be said to be mature, nor can they form the cornerstone of marriage. Young women's cognition of love and emotion is limited, and their ability to love and reason has nothing to do with their education and income.

Wang Jun knew a woman because? The husband's family went into battle shirtless? On the grounds of divorce. The man's family is very casual, and his parents-in-law are shirtless in summer. Put a dress in front of your daughter-in-law before marriage, and you will have no scruples after marriage. The woman thinks that the man's family is vulgar and totally unacceptable.

The man who came to consult Wang Jun was very surprised and completely incomprehensible. We're fine. There's nothing wrong with it. You must have had an affair before the divorce. Otherwise, how can you get divorced because you are shirtless?

Lawyer Liu Zheng once handled such a divorce lawsuit: the man is the boss of a listed company in Hong Kong, with a net worth of tens of billions; The woman has a background in studying abroad and is young and knowledgeable. There is no third party between the two parties, because the company's share price is involved, the man is unwilling to divorce easily, while the woman is just time-consuming and laborious, and she does not hesitate to ask a lawyer to fight this lawsuit.

To Liu Zheng's surprise, the woman is preparing to have a second child while fighting a divorce lawsuit with the man. Her reason is that she doesn't want her boss to face the loneliness of her half-brother.

? Of the 200 divorce cases in Shanghai, only 40% of men filed for divorce, while 60% of women filed for divorce? Assistant judge Pan He thinks? Although this ratio does not meet the expectations of ordinary people, it is not unreasonable to follow. Because post-80s women, especially those living in cities, are equally loved and educated as men when they grow up. Generally speaking, they have strong economic independence, do not consider themselves vulnerable groups, pursue equality in love and family, and have a strong sense of happiness and dignity. ?

In fact, in the post-80 s marriage, tradition? Men are outside and women are inside? The pattern of family marriage is slowly disappearing. Their economic independence and the improvement of women's consciousness have impacted the original expectations of husband and wife's social roles, and also allowed women to have more freedom of independent demands, personal marriage concepts and life choices.

Liu Zheng said that if men cheat, many women, including intellectual women, will choose forbearance in order to maintain their marriage and children; But women cheat, and men choose divorce without saying anything. This is the norm in court.

In modern society, if a woman chooses to divorce voluntarily, her knowledge structure, income level and social status are mostly good, so that she can maintain a considerable standard of living after divorce and have confidence in divorce. A young woman from Hebei came to Liu Zheng and asked for a divorce. The lawyer helped her analyze and found that once she left the man, she was unlikely to be independent, let alone support her parents. The girl finally decided to go back and make do.

? The high divorce rate has nothing to do with ethics. How many modern people get married because of pure feelings? If the feelings are impure at the time of marriage, and factors such as appearance, family background, property, education, and even vanity are the motives for marriage, then it is not surprising that the divorce later. ? Liu Zheng concluded.

However, the high divorce rate is not necessarily a bad thing. In the past, the divorce rate in China was low because people were forced by public pressure, organized intervention or other reasons, but modern people could not. They emphasize personal freedom, ideological emancipation and their own happiness. Modern people don't want to settle, even including? After 60? After 50? Kid.

? Unfortunate families are all alike, and every happy family has its own happiness. ? Liu Zheng said that most of the loyalty of the middle class in Europe and America to marriage comes from inner constraints and religious beliefs, but at this stage, the influence of education in China is far from being transformed into self-discipline.

Western society has also experienced a process from sexual liberation to returning to tradition. Perhaps one day, when the middle class in China tends to be large and stable, after experiencing chaos, freedom and helplessness, they will eventually choose to return to family stability. At this time, we will feel the return of family, responsibility and emotion, and realize the meaning of loyalty. ?

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