What are the manifestations of cold violence?

Cold violence is a kind of mental abuse, bondage and manipulation, which is used to hide one's hostility and aggression, so as to control or torture the other party.

Everyone may have this kind of misconduct, but it is destructive only if it happens repeatedly for a long time.

There are two modes of cold violence: verbal attack and behavioral attack.

As mentioned above, only when it happens repeatedly for a long time, cold violence usually exists in the following scene relationships, which can be said to be almost everywhere. Verbal attacks and behavioral attacks are intertwined, and scenes can be seamlessly switched.

First, cold violence in private life.

1, cold violence between husband and wife

There are usually four forms of cold violence in intimate relationships, namely, refusal to communicate, sexual punishment, economic sanctions, and restrictions on the freedom of heterosexual communication. And the cold violence after the breakup.

Refuse to communicate: when there is a contradiction in intimate relationship, the two sides refuse to deal with it through consultation and communication, but are indifferent, laissez-faire and alienated from each other, minimizing emotional communication and ignoring each other, and adopting the cold war to reduce each other's sense of existence in family and marriage relations, which makes them feel inferior psychologically; Some disrespectful ways, such as condemning each other, cynicism or threatening language, make each other feel a sense of fear and oppression psychologically.

Sexual punishment: indifferent to the other party, perfunctory or even stop having sex with the other party, or force the other party to stop having sex, or even transfer emotions and cheat. Refusing to have sex with your spouse is a great mental harm to the other party, and cheating will also cause anger, humiliation, depression and even personal dignity damage to the other party. Due to the influence of traditional ideas, sex is a very private personal matter, and people often avoid talking about it. When the victim is faced with sexual difficulties, it is difficult to talk about it, and often he will not ask for help from the outside world, and there is no way to solve it.

? At the other extreme are forced sex and contact. Sexual behavior is not only a manifestation of husband and wife's love, but also a manifestation of respect for each other. If the husband in marriage forcibly has sex with his wife regardless of the woman's own wishes, it will lead to women's psychological rejection of sex and mental fear of sex, thus making them suffer mental depression and pain.

Economic sanctions: due to the particularity of men and women and gender differences, women's economic status in society is generally lower than that of men. In marriage, a wife is often subject to her husband's financial constraints.

In order to control the woman's words and deeds and strengthen her position in the family, men deliberately give less or not, which makes the woman feel afraid and dependent on leaving the man.

Of course, there are also women who impose economic sanctions on stay-at-home fathers, which is also cold violence.

Restrict the freedom of heterosexual communication: One party in an intimate relationship usually has a strong desire for control because of inferiority. By restricting the other party from interacting with other friends of the opposite sex, the other party can't get rid of its own control and supervision at all. Once the other party violates the "rules" set by himself, he will accuse and insult his personality.

Cold violence after breaking up: when an old lover or spouse refuses to lay down his prey, but haunts his former partner's personality and soul, it constitutes entanglement or harassment, such as waiting for the other person to get off work outside the company and constantly calling every day, directly or indirectly threatening. If the abused person resists, entanglement or harassment can easily turn into physical violence, so we often don't realize that entanglement or harassment is a kind of cold violence.

2. Cold violence between parents and children

Indirect violence: Most of the objects that the perpetrators want to destroy through indirect mental violence are spouses, but in the end they delay the children. Because the child was at the scene and didn't want to break up with the murdered parents, he became a masochist. The child was attacked as the child of "that man"

In this conflict that has nothing to do with children, he was called as a witness and suffered all the malice imposed on the abused. However, if the abused cannot directly protest against the abuser, they will vent all their pent-up anger on their children. When a parent insults another person endlessly, children have no choice but to isolate themselves. It is impossible for them to establish a complete self and cultivate the ability of independent thinking.

Direct violence: manifested as parents' intentional or unintentional refusal. Parents rationalize themselves because all this is for the good of their children and the purpose is to discipline them. However, the fact is that children disturb parents' lives, so only by destroying the inner children can parents be saved.

? Abusive parents will constantly degrade their children's personality until they become worthless, just like they don't exist.

Implicit incest: there is an undercurrent of incest, but there is no actual incest. Parents have not done anything illegal, but they have seemingly invisible evil deeds:

? The mother told her 12-year-old daughter about her husband's sexual shortcomings and compared his sexual characteristics with his ex-lover.

? Father wants his daughter to be his alibi, and he wants her to wait in the car with him when he trysts with Xiao San.

The above attitude will encourage a dangerous atmosphere of conspiracy. The division between generations is not respected, which makes children unable to be children and forced to be witnesses of adult sexual activities. This undisguised style is often regarded as fashion and "following the fashion" without being cared about. Child victims cannot protect themselves. If they protest, adults will laugh and say, "You make a fuss!" "This is tantamount to forcing children to deny themselves. If children don't want to be crazy, they must retreat and accept principles that they think are immoral.

3. Cold violence between family members

Isolation: My parents-in-law and her husband's family have dinner and chat, but ignore their daughter-in-law.

Neglect and perfunctory: When a daughter-in-law gives birth to a baby, her in-laws directly ignore and perfunctory her normal care needs.

Picky: You can be picky no matter what you do.

Boundless demands: Just like Fan's parents in the TV series Ode to Joy and Su Ming Yu's mother in Everything is Fine, their bottomless demands make their daughter suffer mental depression and pain. It may be the request of parents-in-law for daughter-in-law, or the request of Yuejia for son-in-law, the request of parents for children, and the request of children for parents.

Second, cold violence on campus

Whether teachers treat students or classmates, campus cold violence is usually nicknamed, ridiculed, excluded, ignored, isolated and perfunctory, but there are some special ones.

1, the teacher said to the students:

Ranked second, divided into advantages and disadvantages

It is also a kind of cold violence for teachers to rank children and divide them into advantages and disadvantages. It's normal for many people to rank second, and there is nothing wrong with it. But on campus, some teachers' practices are inappropriate, or even worse. They put themselves in the second place, treat their children differently, put the children they don't like last, and use their teacher status to deny the children: you are holding the whole class back!

Malicious choice

The class voted anonymously to choose "your favorite classmate" and "your least favorite classmate". Sometimes I even think that the teacher sets "your favorite classmate" to cover up his ultimate goal of choosing "the least favorite classmate".

Avoid parents and persuade children directly.

In order to avoid parents, persuade students to drop out of school voluntarily. Teachers may feel wronged, which is also the pressure from the school. I'm also a victim. But don't forget, in front of students, the teacher is the authority! Teachers are adults! It is a very outrageous behavior for a teacher to break the psychological defense of children by avoiding parents. Since then, the child's life has been labeled: you don't deserve it! What a shameless "punching Nanshan kindergarten and kicking Beihai nursing home"!

2. Cold violence between classmates:

A prank? The water in the cup is polluted, something should not be put in the lunch box, when you sit down, the chair is pulled open, the door is filled with water, and the chair is coated with unknown liquid ... Most pranks may not find the responsible person, even if they do, they are an understatement apology or laugh at you for being too stingy and caring to play!

Class cadre? Some students who are in charge of class affairs deliberately don't accept your homework, and some students with authority deliberately don't convey your academic needs to the teacher, deliberately block or delay some academic information or the teacher's notice.

Third, cold violence in the workplace

When jealousy of power collides with bullying, the chances of violence and abuse within the company will increase, among which cold violence is more commonly used, because adults know better that the workplace must maintain dignity.

Cold violence in the workplace refers to any behavior that infringes on an individual's personality, dignity or physical and mental integrity by words, expressions, gestures or words, as well as any behavior that endangers the person's normal work or destroys the workplace atmosphere.

Refuse to communicate directly

If the boss doesn't make it clear, he can't discuss the cause of the conflict, thus preventing the problem from being solved.

To promote confidence

Secret attacks make it impossible for the abused to refute, and their methods are indirect expressions in nonverbal forms, such as angry sighs and shrugs, contemptuous expressions, embarrassing words, innuendo, malicious or disturbing hints. Questioning the words and deeds of subordinates will gradually make their professional ability unreliable in the team.

In the face of indirect oppression, it is difficult for employees to protect themselves. How do you describe the expression of hatred towards a third party? How do you express your hints and suggestions clearly? Sometimes masochists doubt their feelings and are not sure whether they overreact. He has no confidence in himself. When the boss attacks the employees who are easily shaken in their hearts with various tricks, the employees will lose confidence and take off all self-defense.

slander

If you want to ruin a person's reputation, you just need to arouse others' suspicion in a roundabout way, such as throwing out a sentence casually: "Don't you think …?" Then use innuendo and suggestion to make a grandiose speech to cause misunderstanding and make it beneficial to you.

lone

Once the supervisor decides to mentally disintegrate an employee, in order to prevent any possible resistance, it is necessary to cut off the potential alliance and isolate the person.

When the boss and colleagues isolated him, the abused gradually lost access to information. He was isolated and didn't call him at the meeting. He can only learn about this company from written records. As things got worse, he was banned.

Bullying the weak

This behavior includes asking the abused person to do useless or low-level work. For example, let the staff with MBA sit in a small and closed office and be responsible for sorting out expired paper documents as required. It may also be an unattainable goal, requiring employees to work late and work overtime on weekends to write emergency reports, which the supervisor throws aside without reading.

Forcing the abused to make mistakes.

Forcing others to make mistakes is an effective way to attack others, not only to criticize or belittle this person afterwards, but also to destroy his self-image. A contemptuous or provocative attitude can easily make impulsive people angry or make excessive behaviors that attract people's attention.

Having said that, I really feel that cold violence is terrible. The terrible thing is that it is hidden. Sometimes it is difficult for individuals to realize that they are experiencing cold violence. Sometimes the abuser will rationalize that he is defensive and self-defense. Even an attack is a passive attack.

Therefore, if you suffer from cold violence, don't always think that you are not doing well, let alone please. In the face of cold violence, it is king to pull away and refuse in time, and blindly please and tolerate will only make you miserable.