What are the classic stand-up crosstalk?

The old gentleman used to say that people should study in thousands of books and take the Wan Li Road. What do you mean? In other words, if a person has more experience, he will naturally be smart and have the ability to handle things calmly and flexibly. To put it bluntly, there is no loss. In my opinion, if you read thousands of books and take Wan Li Road, you must be well informed, at least you can understand different customs and dialects in different places.

When I was studying in Beijing, there was a Tangshan native in our class. One day we went out to buy fruit together. He said that this place in Beijing is a bully, and we can't let the fruit sellers hear that we are foreigners.

So what should we do? He is from Tangshan and I am from the northeast, so it is not convenient to bargain. Later, the big brother volunteered to go, and then he shouted in the Beijing dialect he had just learned for a long time: "Boss, how much (less) is this apple?" The boss said, "Are you asking about this apple? This is 3.50 yuan. " My classmate thought about it, pointed to Nanguo pear and asked (Tangshankou), "What about this small pear?" If you are not careful, the hometown dialect will come out.

I come from Liaoning. There are 14 cities in Liaoning. It cannot be said that each city has a different accent, at least in southern Liaoning, northern Liaoning, western Liaoning and eastern Liaoning. Fan Wei, a famous actor, imitates the accent in western Liaoning, especially in Chaoyang. The accent of Jinzhou and Huludao is characterized by an upward ending.

There is a joke that I heard from a duet actor, saying that a group of prisoners were locked up in the detention center. Shout slogans before eating every day to express your determination. How can I put it? Very simple, just eight words: "turn over a new leaf, turn over a new leaf." A few people in front shouted like this: "Turn over a new leaf, turn over a new leaf." Then he went to eat. When it was Jinzhou's turn, he brought out the dialect: "Turn over a new leaf (where), turn over a new leaf (where)". As a result, the discipline was impatient at that time: "Do you have any questions about xx? Go back! "

At the junction of southern Liaoning and Liaodong, there is a county-level city Zhuanghe. The accent there is different from Dalian, Dandong and Yingkou. For example, this matter has not been decided yet. In Zhuanghe dialect, it means "I only sell". It is said that a leader went to Zhuanghe for investigation and discussion with several laid-off women workers. The leader asked one of the women workers, "What are your plans in the future?" The female worker truthfully replied, "I sell clothes." The leader listens, what is this called? Go away quickly and ask another woman worker, "What job do you want to do?" The answer is simpler: "I also sell clothes"? It is said that the leader got up in a rage and left.

Still about Zhuanghe. Organization Department mobilized party member in the village to subscribe to party member * * * magazine. The secretary of this village and his wife are both party member, so they booked one. Someone came to investigate and asked the wife of the village party secretary: "Are you sure about the magazine?" The wife of the village party secretary said, "I sell." He asked again, "Why haven't you decided yet?" The wife of the village party secretary said confidently, "I'm dating someone, I see." The person who was investigated above was also from Zhuanghe. He was anxious at that time and said, "You are not right, your goal is the secretary of the brigade, and your goal is only the whole village"?

In fact, the biggest feature of Liaoning province is that the tongue is flat and upturned. To put it bluntly, there is no distinction between "ten", "four", "heaven" and "righteousness" Once we ate in Beijing, and we drank for a long time. As we all know, people in the northeast can eat and drink, and it is endless to catch up with right-handers.

That day, all the dishes were cold, and someone called the waiter: "Hello, waiter-"The waiter hurriedly asked something, and the man said: "You heat the dishes (pronounced" yeah ")." The waiter didn't understand and stood there hesitating. This is also urgent, firing at the waiter: "Didn't you hear?" How to eat this dish if it is not spicy? "The waiter suddenly enlighted, raised his right hand, made a gesture of victory, and then solemnly shouted," yeah-"

2, Degang Guo crosstalk classic lines

Ignoring the law, I would have killed him!

This guy robbed a bank and drove up the North Third Ring Road. 5: 30 in the afternoon! When the police arrived, the traffic jam was very serious.

Your shameless appearance is very similar to my charm.

Huh? You don't know me? I am an artist! I have been an artist for over a week.

Degang Guo: Brother, I hope the world will be peaceful, the people will live and work in peace and contentment, and there will be no war, okay?

God thought about it. Let's tell the truth about this difficulty. I'm not that capable. Really, really, I won't tell you anything else. Can you change it? Let's discuss something else.

I brought a photo of Li Jing when I touched my body. Brother, look at this. This is my other disciples. They look cold. I can't find a date. Please make him beautiful.

God: (thinking) Let's talk about world peace (tearing up photos).

Degang Guo: Hey, why did you tear up the photo, huh? I don't agree. I don't agree. Why tear it? I still keep it to ward off evil spirits!

I have money at home and drive a 13 Cadillac. You can tell by the sound that it is a good machine, imported from Germany, "chug chug", oh, triple jump. At first, half of Beijing was smoking black smoke, and the traffic police shouted at you, "Elder Sun, take your magic."

"Grandpa, how can I go to America?" "Ask the village chief."

Speak louder. You don't need electricity!

Don't go after the party. Go and eat. Whoever goes will pay.

I am a rich man. Today, backstage, I drove here and they all came on foot. The old gentlemen in Tianjin began to leave on Tuesday. But my car has had some problems recently, and the speed is a bit slow. At first, I thought the carburetor was dirty. I won't know until I check. I dropped my pedal.

The traditional crosstalk left by the old man has more than 1000 segments. Through the continuous efforts of our actors over the years, it has basically been lost.

English, Japanese, Korean, Yugoslav, North Slavic and West Slavic can speak seven or eight foreign languages, but swearing at the Eight-Power Alliance is different.

The house I live in is riddled with holes, and it will kill me if it rains; It's raining in the rain room outside, and it's raining in the rain room outside. Sometimes it's too heavy, so the whole family goes out to take shelter from the rain.

If you are willing to die, I am willing to bury it.

From today on, I will never eat lobster again.

Grenade is very expensive. If there are six grenades for one dollar, I'll throw you a hundred dollars first.

The young man looks like an actor, covering his face.

All right! This plane, like Dafa, has a rocking glass! Zuodi Dafa and Li Xia didn't report to Tianjinwei for no Dafa, but they both went to the United States, flew there for half a year, and returned with more than 40,000 oil.

Guo: What should I do? I'm so rich. I don't know how to spend it Hey? ! Yu Qian, why don't I take care of you Y: Will you take care of me? !

Guo: Hey, no matter how rich you are, you have to choose your appearance!

Shouxing:: Jade Emperor Jade Emperor! ~ something has come up.

Jade Emperor: What happened to the birthday girl?

Shouxing: Do you have a hammer and nails? Lend me a special envoy, mine.

The sika deer bit the railing.

Jade Emperor: Shouxing, what did I tell you? It doesn't matter if you ride that deer, you have to feed it! ~

Degang Guo: As soon as I arrived here, I got a good job, building a chimney more than 70 meters high!

Yu Qian: Not bad!

Degang Guo: Get up early and get the job done. People come to check and accept, but they won't give us money anyway!

Yu Qian: Is the quality not good? Stand-up crosstalk

Degang Guo: I started to turn the drawings upside down, and people asked me to repair the well!

Degang Guo: Many people are coming.

3. Pick up a dog and cut a brick. The brick bit its hand. There was a 19-year-old man who drank lotus root with wine in his mouth. He has never seen such a thing since he was a child. Three wheels are pulling a train. Today I will tell you a stand-up comedy, in which there is such a disgraced person. When did this happen? This happened in the Qing Dynasty. He said that there is such a rich man with a lot of money, and he is also one of the best people in Beijing.

The old man has two sons. The eldest son is calm and capable in whatever he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a little problem. I can drink some wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd on the bedside, and when he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It's not good to go to the toilet. He put a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet! ?

That's it. He drinks and gets drunk every day. Finally, one day, the old man was dying. He is very ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to his side, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm going to die." My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family is rich, we can't stand him drinking! " The boss nodded in agreement.

The old man said that and died. After the two sons finished the old man's business, the boss began to give up drinking for his younger brother. Someone told the boss that the second brother hit an alcoholic! I had to ask the old mage to exorcise the evil spirits, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical care. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't expect these people to be just a bunch of knives, reading grape classics at home all day.

Who asked what the Grape Sutra was? In fact, it is what the liar read: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skins, and spit grape skins without eating grapes"! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about! That's it. Exorcism didn't work, so I asked my boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug and needs to bask in it.

Dog days, comrades, hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry. The boss is really cruel. Still not working. It's gone again Whether you say it or not, the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a seawater tank. What is an ocean tank? Aquarium is a big aquarium that only five or six strong men can move in the early years.

Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! The boss got a barrel full of old wine. When it was finished, he put the second child in. He also got a big millstone to cover his mouth and put a seal on it. Feng said, "Brother, it's only a warning. It's time to stop drinking."

After that, I left, which made the second child very happy and finally I could have a big meal. While drinking, I sang "It doesn't matter if I'm drunk, I'm buried in the restaurant, and I'm as happy as a fairy when I smell this Daqu"! (Singing), listen to this word. Not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk, will she still be alive? Hurriedly ran to the edge of the water tank and knocked. "Master, are you all right?" ? The second child was happy when he heard that his wife was coming. "Hey, the seal of the wife and brother don't need to be opened. If it still matters, bring me a pickle! " !

Modesty is the most important thing in life. No matter what you do, you must be modest. What would you do yourself? Don't show off in front of that man. What do you have to show off? What is there to show off? Therefore, if you are modest in front of others, you will definitely not suffer.

I'm from Shandong. I usually speak our Shandong dialect. I have a fellow villager who is also a good man. That's right. Showing off your abilities, knowing more than others, is nothing. This is a joke when I went to Tianjin on business a few days ago.

Why is he joking? He learned a few words of Tianjin dialect before going to Tianjin. When he went to Tianjin, he showed off. One morning, he thought that Goubuli had gone to eat steamed buns. Everyone knows that steamed bread is delicious, but he has never eaten it. He is going to try it, but he doesn't know where Goubuli is. He had to ask around. Just then, a young man came up to him, so he greeted him and asked him how to get there.

When asked, he remembered Tianjin dialect, and then he said, "Excuse me, how can I get to this dog-ignored steamed stuffed bun shop?" (Tianjin dialect) Hear this, right? Tianjin people don't know that dogs ignore them? He was making fun of me, so he pointed to the north. "In the north." (Tianjin dialect) This is also sincere. He went to the north and felt something was wrong after walking for a while. Why didn't you even see a shop? Ask around again.

Sitting in front of me is an old lady sunbathing. She went over and said, "You are worried. How can I get to this dog-ignoring steamed stuffed bun shop? " (Tianjin dialect) The old lady heard it, didn't she? Tianjin people don't know that dogs ignore them? Are you kidding? I also made a mistake, pointing to the north: "In the north." This is right. Let's go north. I don't know how long it took. It's getting a little dark anyway. Why hasn't this arrived yet?

At this time, an old farmer who was resistant to hoes came to him. He said hello quickly, without Tianjin dialect. He opened his mouth and said, "Grandpa, the dog doesn't care. How can I get there?" The old farmer listens to music. "Young man, it is not easy for you to go to Tianjin and walk here. Here is Miyun Reservoir. " He went in the other direction.

5. North-South Street runs east-west, and people bite dogs on Cross Street. They pick up dogs and chop bricks, but the bricks bite their hands. There was a 19-year-old man who drank lotus root with wine in his mouth. He has never seen such a thing since he was a child. Three wheels are pulling a train.

Hey! Does this look like it to you?

Today I will tell you a stand-up comedy, in which there is such a disgraced person.

When did this happen? This happened in the Qing Dynasty. He said that there is such a rich man with a lot of money, and he is also one of the best people in Beijing. The old man has two sons. The eldest son is calm and capable in whatever he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a little problem. I can drink some wine. How good is he? He hung a wine gourd by the bed. Wake up at night and open the gourd and have a few drinks. It's not good to go to the toilet. He put a jar in front of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet!

That's it. He drinks and gets drunk every day.

Finally, one day, the old man was dying. He is very ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to his side, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm going to die." My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family is rich, we can't stand him drinking! " The boss nodded in agreement. The old man said that and died. After the two sons finished the old man's business, the boss began to give up drinking for his younger brother.

Someone told the boss that the second brother hit an alcoholic! I had to ask the old mage to exorcise the evil spirits, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical care. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't expect these people to be just a bunch of knives, reading grape classics at home all day. The man asked what the classic grape was, but it was actually read by the swindler: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skin, and don't eat grapes without spitting grape skin"! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about!

That's it. Exorcism didn't work, so I asked my boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug and needs to bask in it. Dog days, comrades, hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry. The boss is really cruel. Still not working. It's gone again

Anyway, the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a seawater tank. The man asked what an ocean tank was. The sea tank was a big tank that only five or six strong men could move in the early years. Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! The boss got a barrel full of old wine. When it was finished, he put the second child in. He also got a big millstone to cover his mouth and put a seal on it. Feng said, "Brother, it's only a warning. It's time to stop drinking."

After that, I left, which made the second child very happy and finally I could have a big meal. While drinking, I sang "It doesn't matter if I'm drunk, I'm buried in the restaurant, and I'm as happy as a fairy when I smell this Daqu"! (Singing), listen to this word. Not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk, will she still be alive? Hurriedly ran to the edge of the water tank and knocked. "Master, are you all right?" ? The second child was happy when he heard that his wife was coming. "Hey, the seal of the wife and brother don't need to be opened. If it still matters, bring me a pickle! " !

Hearing this, his wife, hey! Why are you still drinking?