I want a super funny two-person cross talk script!

Text "Jiewa" by Guo Degang and Zhang Wenshun

Guo: Thank you all. Here are these people.

Zhang: There are a lot of people.

Guo: I am happy for Mr. Zhang.

Zhang: Why are you happy for me?

Guo: These people are here for you.

Zhang: It’s for all of us!

Guo: Yeah! It’s mainly up to you!

Zhang: What are you looking at me for?

Guo: The day has not come yet! The old man has recovered well recently.

Zhang: Recovery is okay.

Guo: I am in good health, both in terms of complexion and spirit.

Zhang: This section has made great progress.

Guo: Really? This is our blessing! Isn’t that right? Haven't been here for a while, I've been working out recently.

Zhang: Yes, you have to practice.

Guo: Take a walk in the morning. That day, I heard that I took three apprentices and one godson to climb a mountain.

Zhang: The three of them have to hold me up.

Guo: Zhang Dewu, Xu Deliang, what are they called? Feng Feng, his godson is called Feng Feng, and the two of them went climbing the mountain. Those few, like thieves, climbed up quickly, and the old man was the last one to climb up.

Zhang: This, the age is here.

Guo: But he was the first to come down.

Zhang: Yo, what’s going on?

Guo: I can’t stand firm!

Zhang: Did it fall?

Guo: So, you should pay attention to safety as you get older.

Zhang: I can’t climb any more mountains.

Guo: I hope you can come here. Even if you don’t say anything, just sit backstage and chat with everyone, okay.

Zhang: I also miss the audience.

Guo: Why are you all here? It’s because you are happy. You feel happy listening to cross talk. This fight is a good thing.

Zhang: Yes.

Guo: Really? Don’t frown all day long, you do the same.

Zhang: What am I doing?

Guo: After saying this, I feel happy, even if I am a little tired, I feel happy in my heart.

Zhang: It’s also a happy day.

Guo: As soon as I get home, oh! Happy event.

Zhang: Is there any happy event?

Guo: My wife gave birth to a fat boy. Seven or eight pounds!

Zhang: No, please wait, even Qi Liang won’t be born! Not so strong anymore.

Guo: Call for a doctor! Wishes are good. Don’t learn from me. Everyone here is included. Don’t learn from me.

Zhang: What’s wrong with you?

Guo: Alas...

Zhang: What kind of temper does this person have? What's wrong with you?

Guo: I feel bad in my heart.

Zhang: A little sad?

Guo: Oh, everyone looks happy, why am I not happy?

Zhang: Then you have to think about it yourself.

Guo: Everyone at home and outside is feeling sad all day long.

Zhang: What happened?

Guo: Children are not sensible either. Even though I am young, I still have two sons. There is nothing serious to do in a day. As for the eldest son, he gets into trouble every day.

Zhang: Look.

Guo: It was a birthday at Xing Wenzhao’s house. He went to make trouble for others. (Xu Deliang and Xing Wenzhao have just celebrated their longevity)

(Xu Deliang holds a sledgehammer and carries his body)

Guo: You didn’t take any medicine, that’s it. It’s okay, go ahead.

(Xu Deliang shows off his figure)

Guo: I don’t know whose unscrupulous disciple this is.

Zhang: My apprentice recruited you?

Guo: He started making fun of me when I mentioned this. My second son...

Zhang: Let’s talk about your second son.

Guo: My second son is also angry.

I said you go ahead and buy a pack of cigarettes, then go out and kneel down to the poor cigarette seller. You said I feel very uncomfortable.

Zhang: That’s not your second son. (To Xing Wenzhao) Beat him!

(Xing Wenzhao takes the machete)

Guo: Go ahead, go ahead, it’s okay, I didn’t talk about you, we are talking about Xu Deliang.

(Xu Deliang enters)

Guo: Are you still finished?

(Two people exit)

Guo: You said this thing...

Zhang: It's a bit much.

Guo: Xu Deliang, Gao Feng, are these good people?

Zhang: Did we provoke you?

Guo: No, I feel uncomfortable! Not the taste.

Zhang: You say what you want.

Guo: You said that everyone drives a car and goes home to live in a villa. How can it be so miserable for me?

Zhang: You are not too miserable.

Guo: I’m over 30, and I haven’t even served as president for one term.

Zhang: It will be miserable if you miss me so much.

Guo: Ah, when will it be my turn? Up to now I am still renting a house.

Zhang: Just look forward to it. You will distribute Shaoyun Pancakes when you become president.

Guo: Oh, the sesame seed cakes also have the word "yun"? A while ago, I rented a room in a large courtyard with four rooms. I live here, with a family across the street and two families on the left and right. The landlord is an old lady, and she feels very confused when she lives here.

Zhang: A large courtyard.

Guo: It’s a large courtyard! He lives across the street from this house, so he is not a good person.

Zhang: What are you doing?

Guo: A woman, very pretty, who goes to work at night and comes back in the morning. Be a lady. I hate this the most!

Zhang: Stay away from this kind of person.

Guo: What are you doing instead of eating? You are innocent, why are you falling into the world?

Zhang: Yes.

Guo: I went to find the old landlady. I said you were going to be in trouble. Did you know that you recruited her to live with you? She is a young lady, and now she is suffering from bird flu...

Zhang: You are confused about this. That chicken is not this chicken.

Guo: Oh! You said you could understand this if you didn't ask the old gentleman for advice? Don't hide anything from people in your profession.

Zhang: This is scientific knowledge.

Guo: I can’t stand this as a person. I hate this the most. When I told the old lady, she was frightened. She went to the house and told her to move it, but she was kicked out.

Zhang: That’s right.

Guo: I am so happy now. Deserve it! Who asked you to ask me for money? I can't stand this!

Zhang: (Wipes Guo’s mouth) Disinfect, this bird flu has infected him. Didn't I tell you to stay away from live chickens?

Guo: I hate Huang so much. The left and right families are not good people either.

Zhang: What do the left and right families do?

Guo: This is the blacksmith, and this is the carpenter.

Zhang: These are all technicians.

Guo: What kind of technician! Who still uses chimneys these days? He makes some tin sheets at home all day long, and makes the bells jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.

Guo: There is a carpenter living here. He makes some materials and breaks them in the house all day long, crunching, crunching, crunching, hoo! It annoys me! I can't stand it while holding this copy of "Jin Ping Mei"!

Zhang: Don’t watch it if you can’t stand it.

Guo: I went to find the old lady of the landlady.

Zhang: What should you tell people this time?

Guo: Old lady, you are going to be in trouble again. These two people are arms dealers!

Zhang: What?

Guo: A blacksmith and a carpenter are secretly making grenades. The blacksmith makes it, and the carpenter gives it to him!

Zhang: Do you want to lose it?

Guo: I’ll go out after that. When I came back, the two of them were packing things in the yard.

I was so happy: Hey, what's going on? Why go to you two? ~~(pouring) Let’s go, move, we can’t live anymore! ~~

Zhang: This man is causing trouble, look at it!

Guo: Look, we haven’t lived here long enough. This matter has caused such a fuss, why don’t you leave? ~~(pouring) Hi! I don’t know which bastard did it! ~~

Zhang: Yes!

Guo: If you have something to say, don’t curse. ~~(pouring) Move, let’s go! ~~~Look at the fuss this has caused, can I find a car for you? ~ ~~(pouring) No need to bother! ~~

Zhang: What?

Guo:~~(poll) I moved into his house and he moved into my house. ~~

Zhang: I keep quarreling with you.

Guo: I’ll move it as soon as I see it. There are no good people in this hospital! There is a saying in Dalongpao, a treacherous minister of one dynasty! Like me, ah, I am a Yushu Linfeng person, can I live with them?

Zhang: What should you do?

Guo: Move! Outside Xuanwu Gate, there is Tanzi Alley.

Zhang: I found a room.

Guo: Hey, great! The small courtyard is very well-organized, with a single house and a single courtyard, and it only costs 1,000 yuan a month.

Zhang: Ouch, that’s not expensive!

Guo: Are there any houses like this in Beijing these days?

Zhang: No, no!

Guo: It’s all for free!

Zhang: Yes!

Guo: The landlord’s surname is Zhuan, and he is the third master of Zhuan.

Zhang: Braised Third Master in Jar Hutong.

Guo: Try to figure out this alley. I was happy to move in. Okay, I have my own house and don't interact with anyone. Something happened just like that!

Zhang: What happened?

Guo: When I woke up that morning, I passed a fish seller in the alley. Stop here to buy fish, call over there, the third master of braised fish is here.

Zhang: The landlord is here.

Guo: Lean on a cane. man! Why are you there? We have to take the initiative to say hello.

Zhang: Yes, hello.

Guo: Where are we going, old man? ~~Yard No. 7, the day has come, go and collect the rent! ~~

Zhang: Oh, that hospital collects the rent.

Guo: Come on, let me sit here for a while! ~~No, let’s talk about it on the 1st! ~~No. 1...

Zhang: What does this mean?

Guo: Number one is my rent.

Zhang: Oh, no one will come until the day comes.

Guo: What’s going on in the past few days? Man, it’s nothing like this. Why don’t you go in and sit down for a while? Drink a glass of water and my face will glow!

Zhang: This should be said.

Guo: Come on, come on! The couple of us, together with the old man, came to the house. Make some tea and sit here. I told you to sit there for a while. I'll be back in ten minutes! Turn around and go out to do something.

Zhang: What are you doing?

Guo: There is a local building materials store across the road at the entrance of the hutong. The manager is Wen, nicknamed Lao Wei, and he is from Shanxi.

Zhang: Boss Wen.

Guo: He earlier opened a small coal kiln in Datong, Shanxi Province. Fortunately, something happened.

Zhang: How lucky? Unfortunately, something happened.

Guo: Something happened. More than a hundred workers from Hudian came here to open such a shop. We are good friends and business partners.

Zhang: Oh, you and him are fine.

Guo: Open the door and come in: Old wilting, old wilting! ~~(poll) Mr. A Guo, you are here, what is going on? ~~ What, you give me the two thousand yuan, give me two thousand.

Zhang: Oh?

Guo: ~~(pouring) Take two thousand yuan~~ Take out the money and count it for me. ~~(pouring) Oh, I was going to deliver it to you yesterday. You were really too busy. Two thousand yuan...~~

Zhang: How long will it take to count the two thousand yuan?

Guo: Piece by piece.

Get a big bag back and give it to my wife to get the whole package! Take out the whole thing, one thousand yuan: Man, here you go.

Zhang: What are you doing?

Guo: What are you doing with those three days and two days? The weather is getting colder and colder, the less time you have to go, the better a family is.

Zhang: Did you pay the rent in advance?

Guo: We can’t control other people. We say what we want, so don’t be polite. Tuck it into your pocket. I said don't leave, it's already past eleven o'clock, let's eat! We usually don’t have time, but today we met! Have two drinks! Stew the rice until soft. Don't you have yellow croaker at home? Boil two yellow croakers, make some tofu, stir-fry two vegetables, and cut the ham into a plate. Stop drinking the white wine, boil some rice wine, cut some shredded ginger, and order some plums. Man, let’s have a nice chat!

Zhang: Guo Degang, you are a friend enough.

Guo: How is it?

Zhang: Make friends like you.

Guo: There is probably no one like me in the world.

Zhang: Less.

Guo: It’s set up. The two of them sit opposite each other, eating and drinking. When he was almost done eating, the old man put down his chopsticks. "I have to go," he said. There are still a few restaurants I have to go to. They will go to work if it's late. Come on, I'll hold him on one side, and my wife on the other, with the child running and bumping in front, and the three of us will send the old man out as if he were the emperor.

Zhang: What a friend!

Guo: It’s okay if you don’t give it away! After being sent to the yard, he turned around and looked up.

Zhang: What’s wrong?

Guo: Look at that look again, my eyebrows are raised. Guo, please move! grandson! You are so inhuman!

Zhang: Wait, what’s wrong?

Guo: Mr. Zhang, I am a face-conscious person.

Zhang: Yes.

Guo: That's all I can say. I couldn't breathe for a long time because of the tuck in. You heard it when I came in...

Zhang: I heard it.

Guo: How do I treat him?

Zhang: Yellow croaker rice.

Guo: I’m rushing to pay for the rent. Rice wine, you are sitting here eating and drinking, being polite, does anything offend him?

Zhang: Not even a single sentence!

Guo: Do ??you think I need to ask him whether I was involved in prostitution or gambling? What shameful thing have I done? You really told me that you were going to send me away without any hesitation!

Zhang: He has to say it!

Guo: Otherwise, I won’t be able to let go of this feeling in my heart!

Zhang: That’s right! ask!

Guo: My mind is racing! Third Master, we are not funny! What did I do to you? Have I been involved in prostitution or gambling?

Zhang: Yes, let him say it!

Guo: The old man said: What? A den of prostitutes and gambling? I don’t care if I shoot you! Let me ask you a question!

Zhang: What are you talking about?

Guo: Where are all the tiles on my house?

Zhang: Please wait.

Guo: I’m so angry...

Zhang: Don’t be angry. Where are the tiles on other people’s houses?

Guo: Oops, I’m so angry...there are stars in front of my eyes.

Zhang: Are you still angry? Where have the roof tiles gone?

Guo: Why are you talking about this?

Zhang: If you don’t talk about it, I won’t do it!

Guo: Yes, let me ask you, do you need condoms for your house? You don't know how to get a nail to nail the tiles on?

Zhang: You are being unreasonable! When you live there, you have to maintain that house!

Guo: How do I treat that old man? He ate and drank, and I paid him the rent!

Zhang: If you live in someone else’s house, you should pay for the room.

Guo: Where did I get the rent money?

Zhang: Isn’t it a building materials store?

Guo: Yes! Didn't I ask for that surname?

Zhang: Don’t you have business?

Guo: Nonsense! If you don't give him tiles, what's the business?

Zhang: Hi! I understand, you took off that tile and sold it!

Guo: I’m so angry...

Zhang: Don’t be angry! The old man is angry, please don't be angry.

Guo: He stood in the yard and scolded me! I am an honest person...

Zhang: Are you honest?

Guo: I have never said a bad word since I was a child! My hands were shaking and they were numb! I didn’t even know if I still had feeling in my arm, so I swung it up and gave him a mouthful!

Zhang: Beat the old man?

Guo: Still unconscious. Snap! Snap! It makes me so tired...

Zhang: You beat an old man in his seventies like this? You are wicked!

Guo: How can I whip him? I'll give it a try! I pulled up my neck collar, boom!

Zhang: How is it?

Guo: The old man just went out. The child came over and took the cane, click!

Zhang: Is this your child?

Guo: Pout. My wife came over and took off the old man's shoes, and then threw them into the house.

Zhang: Look at this family.

Guo: If you have a good wife at home, your husband won’t do anything bad! It's okay to be reasonable and reasonable, but it's not okay to be unreasonable and it's not okay to bully others.

Zhang: Four words to describe your family.

Guo: What four words?

Zhang: Male thieves and female prostitutes!

Guo: Huh?

Zhang: You are being unreasonable!

Guo: How bad! I'm so angry! I stepped on the old man's head and took out a thousand yuan from his pocket. This is mine! The pocket was taken out again, and there were eight hundred.

Zhang: What’s going on?

Guo: This is your fine! If you make a mistake, you will be punished, you know? He pulled his neck out, walked to the gate, and kicked him out. The old man lay on the ground with blood on his face. Point with your hands: Stew three times, stew three times!

Zhang: Yeah!

Guo: I’ll give you three days, not counting today. Starting tomorrow, for three consecutive days, come to our house to buy something and apologize. This is just a matter of course, otherwise I will set your bastard's nest on fire!

Zhang: You, you are making a mistake!

Guo: What did I do? Am I still afraid of this?

Zhang: I can’t spare you!

Guo: To be honest, I really didn’t expect this old man to be so shameless.

Zhang: What’s wrong?

Guo: Things like this happen to ordinary people and should never be mentioned again.

Zhang: No such thing!

Guo: He doesn’t show his face!

Zhang: Who doesn’t show his face?

Guo: What you say makes people laugh! A serious person should have lost his teeth and swallowed hard, and his arms and sleeves have been folded. From now on, just keep your tail between your legs and be an honest person!

Zhang: Don’t worry, there is no such person.

Guo: Ouch, this old man is not ashamed! When I got home, I said, "What do you mean by showing your face?"

Zhang: If you hit someone, can they not tell you?

Guo: Then again, it’s okay if there are people in your family, your family is almost extinct!

Zhang: Why do people become extinct?

Guo: Don’t you just have those seven sons? Aren’t you just those six uncles? Thirteen godsons and twenty-five nephews, are they all human beings? Can you compare to me?

Zhang: What’s wrong with you?

Guo: Guo Degang is called an army man!

Zhang: What kind of army do you have?

Guo: He Yunwei, huh?

Zhang: Ouch!

Guo: Cao Yunjin, huh?

Zhang: Ouch, so thin!

Guo: These are all people practicing martial arts! Why are you telling people this? These children in your family are mentally ill! Especially his eldest son.

Zhang: What happened to the eldest son?

Guo: Coach of the Armed Police Corps.

Zhang: OK!

Guo: He stood up when he heard this: Go find him! You said, there are such stupid adults and there are these xx children.

Zhang: Is this xx?

Guo: Go find him! The one with a big mouth, huh? My uncle is sensible.

Zhang: What did my uncle say?

Guo: You can’t afford to offend Guo Degang!

Zhang: What can’t you offend with Guo Degang?

Guo: People can talk about cross talk!

Zhang: What does cross talk mean?

Guo: He can talk about one person, two people, and I have even seen one talk about three people! Even if Guo Degang is not good, can Zhang Wenshun afford to offend Guo Degang?

Zhang: What’s so great about Zhang Wenshun?

Guo: Yes, Zhang Wenshun is old. Is Zhang Wenshun’s son a good one?

Zhang: What happened to his son?

Guo: People take baths in bathhouses! Don’t wait for people to come to us, buy something and watch them go!

Zhang: Look, there’s this thing!

Guo: Thank you for having such an understanding person! A whole family of about forty young men came to see me.

Zhang: Are you here to buy something?

Guo: I was sitting in the room, drinking, and counting the old man’s money to see if it was real or fake. After it was done, my wife came in: Stop drinking!

Zhang: What’s wrong?

Guo: Someone is coming! I said: It's okay! Let me take a look! He stood up and walked out, looking through the crack in the door... Ha!

Zhang: How is it?

Guo: More than 40 people came! He was holding the old man on his head. His face was covered in blood and he was trembling as he walked. These people also carried gifts in their hands.

Zhang: What gift?

Guo: Scissors, kitchen knives, screwdrivers, axes, stool legs, heating tanks, everything.

Zhang: This is all prepared for you.

Guo: As soon as we entered the alley, Yang said to me: Grandson, come out!

Zhang: That’s what I guess!

Guo: Oh? You're pretty polite to me. I am a soft-hearted person. My heart softens...

Zhang: How is it?

Guo: My legs are weak.

Zhang: That’s scary!

Guo: What should I do?

Zhang: What should I do? You run!

Guo: Wrong! Big mistake! At this time, many heroic images appeared in my mind!

Zhang: What kind of heroic image?

Guo: There was an Ouyang Hai who stopped the frightened horse galloping over. Why can't I?

Zhang: Oh.

Guo: There was a Dong Cunrui who sacrificed his life to blow up a bunker.

Zhang: Yes!

Guo: There is another hero who points his chest at the enemy's gun! This man’s name is Jia Jiguang! My chest was smashed!

Zhang: Just wait! Although this man owes this... it's not him, his name is Huang Jiguang!

Guo: Fake Huang Jiguang?

Zhang: What fake Huang Jiguang? Nothing happens without Jia Jiguang!

Guo: There is another heroine! Amazing, he died under the guillotine of the Japanese!

Zhang: Is this?

Guo: Liu Lanfang! Phew...that blood!

Zhang: Just wait. No matter how storytelling is described, it will not be like this. Her name is Liu Hulan!

Guo: Oh, Liu Hulan! I'm still wondering, why are you still talking about Yue Fei's biography after he died? Liu Hulan, what a heroine! Wearing an orchid gown, with short hair that reaches the ears, the guillotine is placed here, I am not afraid to walk forward, swish, swish, shake my head, swish...

Zhang: How is it?

Guo: I love La Fang.

Zhang: No such thing!

Guo: With these heroes protecting me, what should I be afraid of?

Zhang: What should you do?

Guo: I must not run away! Go quickly!

Zhang: It’s just like running!

Guo: I can’t go through the front door, so go to the back door! There is a small wall at the back. Go up to the wall and see that nothing is wrong. Then slip down and drink! Very good!

Zhang: Run away!

Guo: There are four of them squatting. I knew you had to run with this! Tied up, tied up! Bring that lead wire over here! What a sin, tie me up with lead wire! After it was tied up, I tightened it with clips and scissors. I was tied like a rice dumpling. (Haha, there’s me in this!)

Zhang: Who asked you to hit the old man?

Guo: Bring it to the front. People are coming out in one street and two alleys. Neighbors are standing here. This old man disappointed me so much, he said it again! Shameless... Why did I hit him, why did I kick him, why did I stick out the stick, why did my wife throw her shoes... Tell me this, will you still be around in the future?

Zhang: Is he a gangster anymore?

Guo: I don’t do this for fun, you know? Everyone, they talk about me all the time, and I listen to them? As a stick, if you open your mouth, I will curse!

Zhang: Why did you curse?

Guo: Oh my god...

Zhang: Hi! That's not swearing. If you scold someone on the street, you have to go up and scold him and his ancestors!

Guo: Yes! You are my ancestor...I am not afraid of this, no matter how old I am, I dare to shout!

Zhang: Hi!

Guo: There is a king and two uncles in the neighborhood. They separate from everyone and come over: Don’t fight, don’t fight, don’t fight. Third Master, here’s the thing, you said he hit and kicked you, but I didn’t see it. Now you guys are beating him, I can see it. You see, no one is wrong. Let's do this, give me some face, brother, let's forget about it. Your house is easy to rent for two thousand a month, so just let him go and don't beat him or scold him. Navaa, if you can get it back, take it, or forget it if you don’t. Old brother, give your brother some face... I'm so angry, is this a human saying?

Zhang: Every sentence is human speech.

Guo: He is not facing me...

Zhang: Can he be facing you?

Guo: My heart says, OK! To be honest, you just happened to be lucky. One day earlier, I would have beaten him first. He has wronged me! This old man Wang is not a human being either.

Zhang: What?

Guo: There are no lights on the telephone poles in the alley. He came to our house to search for them. Do you think this is a human being?

Zhang: It’s you who caused this incomplete guarantee.

Guo: I said search, look for it, look for it in the front and back yard, look for that box, that cupboard, dig it out and tell me what’s going on. Look for them all, don’t move the basket...

Zhang: It’s in the basket.

Guo: Not happy, you know.

We are people who dare to face the sun!

Zhang: Dare to face the sun?

Guo: After he finished speaking, the old man asked me: What happened? If someone comes up with an idea, what do you think you should do?

Zhang: What should I do?

Guo: My heart says, just let me speak, that’s fine! If you don't let me speak, just do it. Let me speak. This is called one bird overwhelming the forest and hundreds of birds greening the forest. After talking, I didn't even dare to breathe.

Zhang: How did you say this?

Guo: As long as the fathers don’t fight, whatever happens is fine!

Zhang: That’s it