So this apology is valid.

"Apologizing is not only to admit that you have made a mistake, to show your remorse, but also to promise the wrongdoer to constantly change his behavior. In order to solve the conflict, there is another meaningful way besides arguing who is better and who is better. Apologize. "

No matter at work or in life, we have had the experience of apologizing. Some apologies are simple, just say them, such as being late for an appointment for a few minutes, or accidentally meeting someone else, but some apologies are complicated, which require not only a good time, but also some compensation to be effective.

So what does an apology need to do to be effective?

Allen lazare, an authoritative expert in the field of apology, spent ten years studying more than 1000 cases of apology, and wrote the book The Power of Apology, which introduced the significance and methods of apology from the perspectives of psychology, sociology and cultural differences, and analyzed the psychological mechanism of apology, which seemed simple but complicated. Through abundant cases, this paper expounds the healing function of apology, the methods of apology, the reasons for apologizing and refusing to apologize, and how to choose the timing of apology to achieve good results.

Allen lazare believes that apologizing and accepting apologies is a far-reaching human interaction, and apologizing is of great positive significance to both sides.

For those who accept an apology, a successful apology can heal the wound, because it can meet one or more psychological needs of the injured person:

Therefore, if you want to apologize successfully, you must first listen carefully to the psychological needs of the other party, so that even if the apology fails, the apologist and the victim can ask themselves which needs have not been met, and then you can take effective actions to make up for them.

So what is the defender's motivation?

On the one hand, it is because of strong inner feelings, such as empathy for other people's feelings, which leads to guilt and shame. In the anime film The Shape of Sound, the male owner Ishida bullied the hearing-impaired female owner Nishimiya Nizi in junior high school. In high school, Ishida became the object of bullying and exclusion by his classmates. At this time, he realized the pain suffered by Nishinomiya Nizi and kept looking for opportunities to apologize to Nishinomiya Nizi for forgiveness.

On the other hand, they want to try to repair their relationship, fearing abandonment, revenge or further deterioration of their relationship. The motivation of any apology is either internal factors, external factors or a combination of the two. This is what we say, why apologizing is simple and complicated.

After we know the psychological needs that the victim needs to meet and the motivation to apologize, how can we apologize to satisfy the victim?

When reading this book, I thought of a case told by my colleague before. A client invited a professional teacher to give a lecture through a consulting company. As a result, the teacher was late because of the traffic jam. After the teacher arrived, he hurried to class with the help of the teaching assistant. Although the teaching assistant explained the situation to the client and apologized, the client was still angry because the course was very important and the client's leader was there.

Teaching assistants can only inform the company leaders as soon as possible. After the company leaders understand the situation, they apologize to the customers by phone first, then buy a batch of books related to the subject of the course and go to the teaching site in person. During the break, they explained the situation to the customers and the students at the scene, apologized, and gave books to every student present.

The atmosphere suddenly relaxed and the teacher gave a wonderful speech. Finally, the course score was very high, and this customer became a long-term partner. It can be said that this apology was a success.

This case completely contains four steps of apology: admitting mistakes, explaining, blaming yourself and making compensation.

1, admit the error

First of all, we should correctly distinguish who should be responsible for the injury and who should apologize (the leaders of consulting companies apologize to customers and students);

Admit the wrong behavior in detail (the traffic jam on the road is our mistake, remind the teacher to leave early next time or stay near the training ground the night before);

Recognize the impact of these behaviors on the injured (delaying the precious time of customers and students and affecting everyone's mood in class);

Confirm that the injury violates the social contract or moral contract of both parties (being late violates the professionalism promised by the consulting company to customers).

The best way to start an apology is to correctly understand what the injured party suffered and describe the offensive behavior in detail to show the sincerity of the apology.

There are several misunderstandings in the process of apology that must be paid attention to, otherwise, not only can the relationship between the two people not be repaired, but it will also bring deeper harm to the offended person, such as the following situations:

Vague apology: "I'm sorry" or "I apologize", and then there is no following;

Use the passive voice: President Clinton apologized and said "the mistake has been made";

There is an attachment when I admit my mistake: Nixon's speech when he resigned due to Watergate "I am very sorry if I caused any harm in a series of events that led to today's resignation decision";

Question whether the victim is really hurt: "If you are offended. . . ""since you are injured to this extent ";

An understatement of the mistake: Air Canada cancelled 46 flights in two days due to a labor contract dispute with the pilot. The spokesman apologized and said, don't forget, the cancelled flight is only a part of all flights, which has caused inconvenience to many people, but it's really nothing. All the affected passengers have changed their visas;

Sympathetically say "I'm sorry": I'm really sorry for bombing your village;

Apologize to the wrong person: For example, mike tyson bit off evander holyfield's ear in a boxing match. When facing the media, Tai Sen apologized to the person who had the right to end his career instead of the victim.

Step 2 give an explanation

The offended usually think that it is not satisfactory to just apologize without explaining. For example, we often say: you owe me an explanation. Can you tell me why you did it?

By explaining the information we convey, we can dilute the seriousness of the wrong behavior, for example, let the other party know that it is not intentional offense, so it is not a personal attack on the victim. This is an exception and will not happen in the future.

Be honest in your explanation, and don't make excuses, such as "I have a bad memory", "I was under too much pressure", "I was just joking", "I was drinking" and "I was just alone". Never say anything in your apology, otherwise it will not only be an apology for failure, but also deepen the contradiction between them.

Just like the above example of apologizing to customers for being late, "It's our responsibility to be late because of the traffic jam on the road. We are deeply sorry that we didn't do the work well in advance, so there is no excuse", so customers won't feel that they are looking for excuses to shirk their responsibilities or trying to cover up the deception.

3. Show self-reproach, shame, humility, sincerity and other behaviors and attitudes.

When people make mistakes, self-blame is part of their guilt. Being responsible for your actions is to admit that you should be responsible for the injury. If you show remorse when apologizing, it will also make the victim feel sincere.

Shame is the complement of self-reproach. What I do does not represent my true self, nor what I want to see and become.

Modesty, apology is humility, not only to admit that you made a mistake, but also to express your own remorse. Humility will help the offended restore their dignity.

Sincerity, apology If it is for work, then sincerity is essential.

4. Make compensation.

Compensation is the main feature of some apologies, because they can completely make up for the loss. For example, the waiter in the restaurant made a wrong dish or placed a wrong order. In order to calm the customer's anger, the act of compensation can prove to the victim that he is serious about his dissatisfaction with the other party and is willing to make up for the harm caused.

In addition, if you have the ability to compensate but are unwilling to compensate, it will lead to the failure of apology. For example, if you break someone else's things, you just apologize verbally and don't intend to pay compensation. Others may be angry because you don't intend to pay compensation unless you can make substantial compensation.

If the wrong behavior is intangible, such as abuse or humiliation, then you can invite the other person to dinner or give a symbolic gift. If you don't know what compensation method to choose, you can also ask the other party: What can I do to compensate for your loss?

For example, at the annual meeting, you accidentally spilled red wine on your colleague's skirt. At this time, you need to apologize immediately and make it clear that this is an exception. The mistake was not intentional for him. If you don't apologize immediately, you will feel that you are a rude person who doesn't know social etiquette. Therefore, it is best to apologize immediately for non-personal or personal mistakes that are not serious.

If a husband offends his wife, she will get very angry and start criticizing him. According to her husband's experience, she will definitely move out what happened many years ago, so her husband will apologize to her immediately, which will probably make her even more angry, because her husband apologized immediately to avoid listening to her criticism. Therefore, for serious personal mistakes, apologies need to be gradually promoted over time.

In another case, the apologist apologizes to the victim because he wants to relieve his inner guilt or restore the relationship between the two parties, but the victim refuses to accept the apology and lets the apologist continue to suffer from the inner guilt until the victim feels it is time to accept the apology.

It's never too late to apologize, especially between relatives and friends. Don't wait until it is irreversible to add infinite regret.

Finally, as the author Allen lazare said, apologizing is like a performance of a small symphony orchestra. Sometimes a composer can compose the most beautiful music with only one instrument, and sometimes it takes several instruments to complete it, but in either case, it takes years of practice.

So is an apology. Success or failure depends on whether we train ourselves to succeed, whether we listen carefully to each other's needs, and whether we use the method of apology. Only in this way can we exert the power of apology on various occasions.