funny jokes

Once I took a bus and got in line with my IC card. The person in front of me was tossing coins, so my brain short-circuited and I threw the IC card in...

●Wear it in the morning For contact lenses, I opened the cover and poured the glasses into the toilet. Then I calmly poured in new care solution and prepared to take off the glasses. However, I couldn't take them off for a long time.

●My neighbor forgot to bring his key and climbed over from my balcony. After finding the key in the house, he turned back and opened the door to his own house. What’s even more amazing is that I stayed on the balcony to attend to her from beginning to end and didn’t feel anything was wrong. Alas, our heads must have been squeezed through the same crack in the door.

●One day I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house to no avail. Then he fell to the ground depressed, took out his mobile phone from his pocket, and sent a group text message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone

●Once everyone was playing mahjong and the power went out, so they lit a candle and continued playing. Later, someone felt too hot and started yelling. "Hey, turn on the fan," everyone hurriedly advised. "No, no, the candle will be blown out.

●Since the telephone was installed in the dormitory, we have become "gentlemen". A gentleman speaks but does not use his hands. Of course, I am too lazy to move my legs. I would rather spend some phone bills than go out and walk around. There is a young man in our house named Li Lei. He found a job during the summer vacation and worked as a programmer for a website. , someone called him, and I answered it. I said Li Lei was not here, and the other party asked him if he had gone back to his hometown. I said no, and the other party said, "Then tell him that I am his classmate, and ask him to come back and call me." Call me. The phone number is ××××. "I took a note and wrote it down (later I found out that it was actually the phone number diagonally opposite the dormitory, and we were not familiar with it).

When Li Lei came back in the evening, I told him about the phone call. He said it was probably a call from a high school classmate, so he answered the phone number. Li Lei was from Shaanxi. As soon as the call came through, he asked, "Do you have anyone from Shaanxi here?" "The person who answered the phone said: "We don't have one here, but there is one at the door opposite us. Just wait a moment, I'll call you..."

Immediately, a loud voice was heard in the corridor. Shouted: "Li Lei, come here and answer the phone, you fellow!" "

Li Lei was stunned for a moment and told the third child in our house, I will go over to answer the phone. You can keep an eye on it for me. If the call goes through, just tell me that I will be back in a while. Li Lei passed by. The third child picked up the phone. Within a few seconds, the voice of "Hey, hello" came out, and the third child immediately said: "He is out, please wait a moment!" "Then he opened the door and shouted: "Li Lei, the call has gone through, come back quickly." "Li Lei waited there for a while, then hung up when there was no response. He went back to the house and took the phone from the third child. He could only hear the "beep" sound after hanging up. "Strange! "He said depressedly: "Why is no one picking up? "

Then he picked up the note with the number on it and dialed the number again: "Do you have anyone from Shaanxi here..."

●In high school, classmate A buddy from Liyi was born in 1981. He is not very old, but he is very old-looking...

The following is what happened to him when he was riding the bus:

When he was a sophomore in high school, this guy took the bus When he was taking the bus to school and was bored because of the long journey, a man of about 35 years old sitting next to him spoke to him. The man opened his mouth and said: "Brother, where are you going?" "

This guy may have been treated like this a lot, so he wasn't too surprised. He answered calmly: "Third grade."

The man's second sentence: "Oh, let's go see the kids? It’s hard for children to go to school..."

The man’s face twitched and he said nothing.

The third sentence: "Brother, what grade is your child in? ? "The guy was really annoyed and didn't explain. He said casually: "First year of high school"

At this time, the classic appeared.

The man looked at the man with wide eyes in great surprise, and after looking at him for ten seconds, he said: "Brother, you got married quite late!"

●I remember that I went to school When I was in high school, I saw a good friend of mine buying pancakes outside the school gate. As you know, in high school, I would often get hungry if I used my brain too much, so I immediately ran up to him, punched him, and then grabbed his pancake. After taking a bite, he cursed and said, "I'm so frustrated. I didn't even take a cake with me to buy one. As a result, before I could swallow a bite of cake, I looked up and realized I had mistakenly recognized the person. That's okay." I actually said this later. Sorry, you took a bite of me at the same time

The big cake was stuffed into the man’s hand and ran away. The whole process was completed in one go! ! !

I remember when I ran back to the school gate and looked back, the man was still standing in front of the stall, holding the big cake with a gap in his hand in a daze. Even now, sometimes I can’t help but beat myself up when I think about this! ! ! !

●One question requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1. Sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studies tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi has learned many foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi has learned acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Although sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed, she studied tenaciously and not only learned many foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Although sister Zhang Haidi tenaciously learned acupuncture and many foreign languages, she was still paralyzed

Another more fierce child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture, she is so. I studied tenaciously and finally became paralyzed!

●I am from Yunnan University, level 2000, the same level as Ma Jiajue. When Brother Ma was in trouble, but before he was caught, there was a wanted notice. It was said that there would be tens of thousands of rewards for assisting the public security organs in capturing Brother Xiao. Everyone was very jealous and wanted to get that big sum of money. They paid attention to the appearance of passers-by on the street. One day, I was sitting on the bus when I went out. Not many, there was only one person standing, and suddenly everyone was staring at that person. When I took a closer look, I saw that he looked very much like Brother Ma on the wanted poster. Maybe everyone could see it, they all looked nervous and excited. The atmosphere was tense to the extreme, and the man became panicked when everyone saw him, and shouted angrily: "I'm not Ma Jiajue!" The bus driver was very responsible and said decisively: No one can get out of the car. I drove the car to the police station. Everyone was gearing up and immediately closed all the car windows. The man had a very helpless expression. When they arrived at the police station, the driver proudly said to the police: There is someone in my car who looks like Ma Jiajue. I will drive the car right away. The man said to the police aggrievedly: Officer, it's me. I've been caught by you for the second time today.

●My deskmate had a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring a handkerchief, so he kept sucking the snot into his nose. The Chinese teacher who was writing on the blackboard suddenly turned around and shouted: "That's enough! Stop it! It's so noisy!" The whole class fell silent. The teacher said again: "Who is eating noodles secretly in class and making such a loud noise?"

●When I was a freshman, I went to the cafeteria to pack bags. Who knew that something was wrong with the card swiping machine, and I scratched out 25 yuan in one go? 3. The brother who sold the buns tried hard for a long time but couldn't add it back, so he said pitifully: "It's okay, I remember you, and I will come here often until the extra money is used up." I had no choice but to agree.

It’s a pity that I ate steamed buns one meal after another for a whole semester. Brother Baozi still owes me 2 yuan and 3 yuan... The most annoying thing is that I didn’t find a girlfriend in four years of college! !

Until graduation, one day I was walking on the campus boulevard, and I heard a group of girls behind me pointing and whispering: "Yes, that's him! Don't find a boyfriend like this every day in the future. You don’t get paid to eat steamed buns in the second cafeteria!”

●My surname is Zhu, and I manage the unit’s computer room.

Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig house?" At that time, he scolded the guy.

●When I was cooking for lunch, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, put the carrots Cut it into cubes!”

●I remember one time when I went to buy a fruit called Elizabeth, I opened my mouth and said: Boss, how much does Shakespeare cost? The boss was stunned on the spot

●Drinking with the leader and others, he raised his glass and loudly said: "Let us die together!" His brain was too hot at the time

...

●Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner party. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the hawker and was still short of a dime, so he told the hawker Said--

"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair."

The hawker was speechless for a long time, and then replied--

"You I don’t want any more hair.”

●While eating and chatting in the canteen, I suddenly realized that I had dropped a piece of rice outside. I secretly felt that I was sorry for wasting food, so I picked it up and ate it. But later I discovered that the rice didn't seem to be mine...

●I was holding a big rooster by the neck but didn't dare to cut it. After hesitating for a long time, I strangled the chicken to death

●Sina News headline: Chongqing Railway Public Security Special Police practice anti-terrorism on the train

A netizen from Hebei commented: Excuse me, can you squeeze onto a train in China? Also tmd anti-terrorism!

●One night I was drinking with some friends, and they all drank too much. One of them fell asleep on the roadside, and we couldn’t lift him, so we discussed finding something to cover him with. I caught a cold. When I saw him a few days later, he said he woke up the next day and found three bicycles on his body.