Jokes. burst into laughter

A buddy can't stand or sit still when he is drunk, so he can only make a "beach" shape.

Just when everyone was at a loss, he suddenly patted himself three times and shouted "wallet!" " Yes! Keys! Yes! Cell phone! Yes! It's all here ! ".All the cold!

That night, he repeated it every 10 minutes! ! ! ! Strong man!

Later, I got the nickname "X three beats"

When I was in college, I skipped a horrible group dance, which required violent actions such as squatting quickly and lifting my legs high. Everyone can't practice for a few days. They are all green, and some leg muscles are still strained. I was seriously injured.

In the afternoon, I went to class. On the third floor, I couldn't lift a leg at all, so I went up hard and simply sent that leg up. Walking, I heard a girl at the back say to her boyfriend, "Schools in big cities are more formal. In our hometown, people with polio can't go to school at all. "

I feel dizzy ...

The accommodation department raided the dormitory to see if there were any illegal appliances. Poor two of my friends were scared out of their wits. One of them quickly put away the electric stove and hid in the mosquito net, while the other got in with the hot milk cooked on the stove.

Come in ... check the door, pull the light to see that no one is there, and just want to leave, suddenly a brother in the mosquito net was scalded by a milk cup, knocked over the cup at once, and gave a terrible scream. ...

The teacher in the boarding school was shocked and took a closer look at the mosquito net: two boys were unkempt and crowded together, and the sheets were white. ...

My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief and has been sniffing it. The Chinese teacher who was writing on the blackboard suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher added, "Who steals noodles in class? What are you arguing about? "

A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed!

When I was in high school, a buddy in my class 198 1 was born, and he was very old. .....

Here's what happened when he took the bus:

In sophomore year, this guy went to school by bus. Because of the long journey, when he was bored, a 35-year-old man next door asked him to chat. The man opened his mouth and said, "Brother, where are you going?"

This guy may have been treated like this many times, and he is not very surprised. His answer was quite calm: "Three Middle Schools". The man's second sentence: "Oh, went to see the children?" It's hard for children to go to school ... "

The buddy's face twitched and he didn't say a word.

The third sentence: "Big Brother, how old is your child?" That buddy was really annoyed and didn't explain, so he slipped a sentence: "Senior One"

At this time, the classic appeared. The man stared at his buddy in surprise for ten seconds, and then said, "Brother, you got married very late!" " "

I remember when I was in high school, I met a close friend outside the school gate and bought a big cake. You know, when I was in high school, I was often hungry because I used too much brain. I immediately ran up and punched him, and then I bit him into a big cake. And I swear it's not enough. You didn't take me to buy one when you bought the cake. As a result, I didn't swallow a bite of cake I looked up and found myself mistaken for someone else. It doesn't matter. ! !

I remember that when I ran back to the school gate and looked back, the man was still standing in front of the stall, holding a pie with a missing mouth. Sometimes you can't help hitting yourself when you think about it! ! ! !

When I was a freshman, I went to the canteen to pack my bags, but there was something wrong with the card machine. I rowed it down 150 RMB 3, but my brother, who sells steamed buns, couldn't add it back for a long time and said piteously, "Nothing."

I remember you, and you often came here until you ran out of extra money. "I have to agree.

Poor me, I ate steamed buns for a semester, and Brother Steamed Bun still owes me 2.3 yuan ... The most exasperating thing is that I haven't found a girlfriend after four years in college! ! !

Until graduation, one day I was walking on the campus tree-lined road, listening to a group of girls pointing behind me and whispering, "Yes, that's him! ! Don't find such a boyfriend in the future, and go to the second canteen to eat steamed buns every day without paying! ! "

A girl in our class puts a bag of milk on the heater when it is cold in winter.

2008-12-1916: 05 reply

60.4.40.* Second floor

At the end of class, I yelled at a boy sitting next to the heater, "* * *, help me turn the milk over."

The whole class laughed and didn't attend class in the morning.

Not long ago, my friend gave me a Jingba puppy named Lele. This puppy is pure white and pays special attention to hygiene. It never urinates anywhere in the house. Every time he is in a hurry, he will call twice in advance and then urinate in the tray I prepared for him, saving a lot of trouble. On Sunday morning, I took Lele to the bank and just finished withdrawing money from the bank business hall. "Wang ..." Lele suddenly shouted at me. I know it wants to be convenient again. Although this is not our house, we must abide by social morality! He used his quick wits. For the convenience of having fun, he quickly took out the newspaper he had just bought at the newsstand. Lele had a good time as she wished. After that, I carefully wrapped this pile of rubbish in a paper bag with newspaper, holding it in one hand and Lele in the other, ready to throw it into the trash can on the street. Just arrived at the side of the road, I heard a "honk" and a motorcycle next to it suddenly braked. At the moment when I became speechless, the young man wearing sunglasses in the back seat snatched the paper bag from me, and the motorcycle sped away with the strong roar of the motor. I stood by the side of the road for a long time without waking up. I vaguely heard a few passers-by who had just witnessed this scene whispering, "This guy is really unlucky. He was robbed as soon as he left the bank ... are there tens of thousands? "

Degang Guo: "Hey, old man, look, do you know me", "Degang ~ ~", "Don't take it to heart, old man, hard and steady, you can live 100 years old". "What can I do? What can I get you? " "I want a young lady ~ ~" "Wow, you should have died, you know?" "I want to relieve myself ~ ~".

There is a man and a woman eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ......

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy, Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner!

Yitianguang snack street

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?

Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.

A friend of mine once took a taxi home from the station and asked the driver, "How much is it to XX Town?"

Driver: "150." The friend asked, "Can I go at 100?"

I didn't expect the driver's attitude to be extremely bad: "What car do you have no money to play? Get out! "

Dear reader, what would you do if it were you? )

My friend walked away silently.

A few days later, my friend saw the driver and many other drivers waiting for the guests at the station.

My friend walked up to another driver and asked, "How much is it to XX Town?"

Driver: "150." The friend asked, "Can I go to 200?" Driver: "yes, of course!" "

The friend said, "But you have to let me put socks in your mouth on the way."

Driver: "You are sick! I asked you to do this so that you could earn 50 yuan more? Damn it! "

A friend found another one next to him: "How much is it to XX Town?"

Driver: "150." The friend asked, "Can I go to 200?" Driver: "yes, of course!" "

The friend said, "But you have to let me put socks in your mouth on the way."

Driver: "You are mistaken! I asked you to do this so that you could earn 50 yuan more? Damn it! "

In this way, the friend soon asked all the other drivers. Except for insulting his driver last time, everyone knows that my friend is willing to pay 200 yuan to go to XX town, but he has to put socks in the driver's mouth on the way.

Finally, a friend came to the abusive driver: "How much is it to XX Town?"

Driver: "150." The friend asked, "Can I go to 200?" Driver: "yes, of course!" "

The friend said, "But when you leave, you should shout' I'm going to XX Town in 200'."

Driver: "What's the matter? Go! "

Then I heard shouting, "I'm going to XX town at 200-"

One day, the lame and the blind went out in the same car. The blind man is riding a horse, and the lame man is watching the road. Suddenly, the lame man found a deep ditch in front of him and shouted: ditch, ditch, ditch! The blind man sings back: Oreo is Oreo! They fell into the ditch together!

When I was at school, I lived in the dormitory of the school. Every night after self-study, I always see men and women together on campus. I envy it! ! !

I envy those men (the old and the young) who often go in and out of girls' dormitories.

One day after class, I was invited to the girls' dormitory (I didn't want to go). Eating and chatting passed in a blink of an eye 10. I was just about to leave when I heard the doorman downstairs shout:

"It's getting late! ! ! Girls, it's Fujian! ! ! "

I was about to call my mother when the leader suddenly came in and said to him, Mom, I found the materials. Here you are! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! - ! ! ! !

Hold the money in your hand, then knead it into a ball, hold it in your hand, and throw it away if you feel uncomfortable.

I went to my good friend's house and chatted. Her father came back and called him "Auntie". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely.

After swimming yesterday, I opened the trunk directly, threw the key in, and then closed the trunk ... I waited in the wild for an hour and a half in a three-point suit.

Once I cooked rice, I poured it directly into the rice cooker without an inner pot ... and then I blew it around. ....

It happened at noon, which was embarrassing ~ I was going to let the noodle restaurant downstairs send a bowl of Daoxiao Noodles to eat at noon ~ I don't know what I was thinking ~ After the phone call, I just said, "Hello ~ Please send a bowl of Daoxiao Noodles", and then I heard my mother's voice: "Daughter! You want to eat Daoxiao Noodles at noon! " At first, my mother felt a little puzzled, and when she recovered, she smiled ~ ~ I froze ~ My face was red and embarrassed ~ ~

On the first day of work, someone called the manager and said, "Mom, someone wants to answer the phone for you."

Once a good friend got married and took a photo of me when she went to her house the day before. I didn't look at the photos in her camera at that time, and I forgot them later. At the wedding reception the next day, she took out her camera. I said, look at what photos you have taken. Looking through the photos, I found that the person in one photo was particularly like me, and my mind didn't react. I also sent someone to see a girl who looks like me. When I reacted, I felt stupid. How can I not recognize my photo? The second one is miserable. I rode past a van quickly, and the door just opened ~ ~ and I hit it, miserable ~

The most humiliating time, I didn't know what I was thinking when I washed my feet. I was going to take off my socks and almost took off my pants. .....

Walking from the podium to the seat, a classmate's foot reached into the aisle and wanted to say "please make way", but he blurted out "thank you"-_-#

Once in photoshop class, I sent a text message to my boyfriend and bravely shouted to the teacher, "Husband! My computer is not networked! " The dissatisfied classroom was instantly quiet. Five seconds later, everyone burst into laughter. The teacher is a little old man in his fifties, staring at me with his glasses pushed. This Lushan waterfall is sweating like a pig.

I called my girlfriend's house, and her father answered and said, "Hello?" I answered in her father's voice: "Hello, Aunt, is * * * there?" It's a miracle that her father agreed to let us be together!

It's quite convenient to throw garbage in the morning and hold it. I drove all the way and drove alive for an hour. When I got off at the company, I found that the garbage bag was still in my hand. I took it halfway around the city and threw it into the dustbin in the office.

I went home one night after a carnival, and I didn't know what I was thinking all the way. After entering the elevator, I waited and waited for a long time, but I still didn't get to my floor, and my heart began to sweat. Is there something wrong with the elevator? No one will attend the meeting. No one will dump me when calling for help. At the same time, the pictures in the ghost film will flash one by one. I suddenly felt my hair stand on end. I was just about to call BF and ask him to save me. Suddenly I found that I didn't press the elevator on the floor, and the first floor still didn't move. .....

Take the school meal card to the ICBC staff to withdraw money. The others took one look and threw it cleanly. I stuffed it back and said loudly that I was withdrawing money. He threw it neatly and lazily, saying that the card was wrong. I passively took it and took out a Hang Jian card from my wallet and handed it to him. ...

Once I went to buy Regan Noodles, there was a couple in front of me. The boss asked them if they wanted coriander. The man said no and the woman saidno. I was thinking, "Coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander …" The boss asked me what to eat. I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! ! ! "The couple next to the boss looked at me doubtfully!

I bought a new microwave oven at home and used it to cook fish. I am very excited. 15 minutes later, I turned on the microwave oven excitedly, dizzy, nothing. The fish is still on the table. I'm depressed and have surgery again. It's time. I didn't wait to turn on the microwave to find that the fish was still on the table. So I decided not to eat fish for a week.

Once, I went to buy a fruit knife, watched it over and over again, and then asked the knife buyer to find something to try for me. The knife was fast and fast, and as a result, I cut my big finger with one knife, and my blood flowed. I said happily, "Well, hurry". I was also surprised. The knife buyer didn't charge me, so he had to give it to me.

I forgot what grade I was in primary school. Once I was not careful in my self-study, so I cut off the front end of the ballpoint pen core with scissors, blew the oil out of the pen core to play, and then blew it into my mouth.

When I was very young, I had to burn coal at home, and my mother's cooking was put in the kitchen. I got a shovel of coal with a small shovel, opened the lid of the rice cooker and poured it in at once. . . . #￥%……※×(

When I was in college, I ate with a group of friends and thought about the exam in the afternoon. I am absent-minded. After eating, I took out a tissue from my bag and wiped my mouth as usual. I wiped it for a long time without knowing it. Suddenly I found that my friends stopped talking. Looking at me, I found that I was wiping my mouth with a sanitary towel! Friends are men and women! I really didn't want to live at that time! That's Hu's silk for daily use! What is incomprehensible is that I also opened the pink package outside!

Once I had breakfast (cake and porridge) in the morning and ate it while watching the news. There happened to be an accident on our side or something. I read it carefully, so I picked up the remote control and chewed it down. I chewed for a long time, and I hardly felt depressed when I spit it out. I never understood how I bit it off =

I went with my girlfriend on another trip. There were many people in the scenic spot at that time. I conveniently pulled my girlfriend's hand up and said; "Wife, tighten mine." Then, I felt my girlfriend's hand loose straight down. I thought she was embarrassed and gave it a tight pull. Then she didn't leave, and I turned around. Only to find it was a man. Then a woman next to me looked at me strangely. I was so scared that I sweated, smiled a few times and ran away with a red face. I'm depressed. `````

Panting after running, drinking water and ready to leave. As a result, the treadmill could not stop without pressing the end button, so I slipped out and the water in the cup spilled all over the floor. The coach told the people next to him by negative example, don't come down without stopping like her. What a pity.

Another time I got into the elevator on the third floor and kept pressing the 3 key, wondering why I couldn't. The other time was a colleague's. That day, my colleague turned on the air conditioner with the remote control and asked me to pour her a glass of water. The scene that I saw together was very strange: I saw her holding the remote control and saying to me, please pour me a glass of water! I swear it's not a wrong angle. The air conditioner is in the opposite direction.

Go shopping, try on clothes in the fitting room, take off your coat and bra as soon as you enter the door, and then get dressed. I felt strange after wearing it, and I didn't react until I saw the bra next to me ~ ~ Sweat ~