Look at jokes when you are sad

1. I went to the dentist yesterday and found that the female doctor who treated me was very beautiful. I think: now girls like rich people, so I must find opportunities to show my strength. The doctor asked: The tooth is broken, should it be pulled out? I pretended to be nervous and asked, will it affect my driving Bentley if my tooth is pulled out? Doctor: That's all right. It's just a little air leakage when bragging.

Before the third grade of primary school, I went to a school with Mongolian and Chinese classes, and the ethnic struggle was fierce. Only when I fall to Hanban during recess will I not be wiped out. I didn't know I was actually a Mongolian until I transferred to another school and filled in my account. It was a summer afternoon, and at the age of ten, I realized the pain of Xiao Feng, a Khitan.

I remember when I was a child, probably in junior high school. On my way to school, I was stopped by some gangsters. I used my quick wits and shouted to a strange uncle passing by: "Uncle, someone bullied me!" " "I didn't know that gangsters were so arrogant that they were not afraid of adults, and they also beat my uncle and me. After the gangster left, my uncle beat me again to vent his anger.

4. Wife: "Which team plays which team?" Me: "France hits Romania." Wife: "Is this the Super League?" Me: "... European Cup. Wife: "What about the China team?" Me: "... watching TV like you. "Wife:" Why don't you go up and play? " Me: "FIFA won't let me." Wife: "Is it because of Diaoyu Island?" Me: "... because the level is not good. Wife: "Isn't there a Yao Ming?" Me: "... can you go to bed [crazy] ..."

Tang Priest and his disciples went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. Friar Sand is a careful man who takes care of everyone's diet and daily life along the way. On this day, he tidied up his eldest brother's underwear, found a hole and sewed it up. The next day, I found another hole, so I mended it again. On the third day, there was still a hole. Picking up a needle and thread, Monkey came to kick Friar Sand. You fucking sewed up the hole. Where do you put my tail? Where do you put it? Where do you put it?

6. The father found that 15-year-old daughter was not at home and left a letter. It says, "Dear Mom and Dad, Randy and I eloped today. Randy is a very personal person, with all kinds of tattoos. He is only 42 years old, not too old, is he? I want to live somewhere else with him. Of course it's not just me and him, Randy and several other women, but I don't mind. Besides smoking by ourselves, we also grow marijuana and sell it to our friends. I also hope that we can have many children in that place. In this process, I also hope that medical technology can make great progress, so that Randy's AIDS can be cured ... "When my father read this, he collapsed. However, he found that there was another sentence at the bottom: unfinished, please see the back. On the back, it says, "Dad, nothing on that page is true. The truth is that I am at the classmate's house next door, and the midterm exam paper is in the drawer. You open it and sign it. I am writing this letter to tell you that there are worse things in the world than failing to answer the test paper well. You call me now and tell me that I can go home safely. " Father suddenly burst into tears!

7. My little French brother has been learning Chinese from me recently. When chatting with him one day, I sent a message, hehe, 23333. He asked me what I meant. When I say it, I mean you're funny. I met a friend from China with him tonight. When the friend finished, he uttered a clear and standard sentence, "Hehe, 23333." The audience was silent.

8. See a psychiatrist. The doctor said: you are not depressed, you are really miserable.

9. I went to work for the first time in my sophomore summer vacation. In a Thai restaurant, the supervisor asked us to put our hands together and say Sawadika to the customers. I was so nervous that I folded my hands and said Amitabha to my guests.

10. One day, while riding a bike in the alley, a girl opposite rushed to the front by bike. In an emergency, I shouted: you left me right! That night, we lay on the ground in the alley for a long time.

1 1. My son sleeps with his mother every night. Mother said: When you grow up, marry a daughter-in-law. Do you want to sleep with your mother? The son replied: Yes! I will always say to Ma Ma's sleeping mother: Where is your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly after listening: this child has been sensible since childhood!

12. Aunt: Nurse, can you stop shaking your hands? Nurse: You were shaking like that in the restaurant.

13. We tried in bed, chair, sofa, kitchen, balcony, living room and corridor ... but what can we do? Still can't connect to the WiFi next door.

14. A foreigner on the subway cried into the phone: You don't like me at all! ! ! Learn English with me! ! !

15. Honey, I bought a cake. How many pieces do you want to cut? Four. I can't finish six.

16. Coach: Come on. I: Thank you. Coach: Come on! Come on! Me: Thank you, I will refuel! Coach: I told him to step on the gas! You thank sei!

17. Coach: See the man in front? Me: Yes. Coach: Hit him! Me: Why? ! I dare not! Coach: Do you dare? Don't step on the brakes!

18. in class, teacher: the last row of boys with glasses got up to answer a question. I saw the classmate slowly take off his glasses and sit still under the teacher's gaze ... both the teacher and the classmates were shocked. Even with everyone watching, his classmates silently put on their glasses and stood up slowly. ...

19. I secretly asked the magic mirror: am I the blackest person in the world? The mirror made a frightened voice: who, who the fuck is talking?

20. Child: Mom, am I really ugly? Mom: How many times have I told you not to call me mom in public!

2 1. My classmates and I both have busy dads. Classmate: Dad, how much do you earn a day? Father: About 1200. Why? Classmate: This is 1200 that I have saved for a long time. Can you stay with me for a day? Father's eyes were red, and father and son embraced and wept. Since then, my classmate's father has taken time to accompany him every week. After hearing this, I also decided to emulate my classmates. Me: Dad, how much do you earn a day? Dad: One day100000 or so. Why? Me: Nothing. . . . . . I was just asking. . . . . . . .

22. One day, Ms. Li was watching TV at home. Someone knocked at the door. Ms. Li opened the door. People outside said, "Hello, I'm from the property. I am here to clean the glass. " Ms. Li let him in and continued to watch TV by herself. Before long, the knock on the door rang again. Ms. Li opened the door. People outside said, "Hello, I'm from the property. I'll clean the glass. " Ms. Li said, "No, someone has come to wipe it." The man said, "That man is me. I just fell. "

23. Big Brother and Sister-in-law quarreled, and both sides shouted for help and watched the war.

Before the fight, my brother said, "Don't touch my sister-in-law, others will fight hard."

Sister-in-law also spoke, "Don't hit my husband, others will hit him casually."

Others: ...

24. After the plane took off, the stewardess said, Welcome to xxxx. The safest part of your journey is over.

25. I just applied for a secretarial job in a new company. I know that as a secretary, I have to understand the hidden rules. I was in charge of booking a hotel with the manager on this business trip, so I booked a big bed room, but the manager insisted on booking two rooms. I thought, is this a decent manager? I didn't give up. Then the next day, I took the manager to a bar and got drunk. When I got back to the hotel, I put a Viagra in his cup while he was taking a bath. He just squeezed a tube and didn't touch it. The next day, the manager called the personnel manager. Where did you recruit this man? He is so abnormal!

26. Today Didi took a taxi and got a BMW X6 top version. I asked the driver, "Why don't you drip in such a luxurious car?" The driver said, "I just like your diaosi, dumbfounded, envious and puzzled!" " "I ... . .

27. The youth cried to the master: Master, I failed in the college entrance examination, my parents scolded me, and my girlfriend left me. Please accept me and convert me to Buddhism. I saw the master take out a stack of college entrance examination review materials, and the young man suddenly realized: The master told me not to give up the college entrance examination and fight again next year, right? The master shook his head and said, benefactor, we only recruit undergraduates here, so you'd better go back to the undergraduate course and come back for an interview.

28. Liu Bei's horse ran to the edge of the cliff, and Zhang Fei was so anxious that he shouted, "Big Brother, stop your horse!" Liu Bei scolded: "Mahler Gobi, I am happy for you!" " "

29. The baby talks in his sleep: "Little bitch, you can't run away!" Dad said to his mother seriously, "Look at you, what messy programs you usually show your baby!" " "Mom gave Dad a white look:" You don't know anything! What he said was' lamb, you can't run away', and it was pleasant goat. "

30. In Lu Yu, two old men were watching the game while playing chess. Their expressions are very anxious. For ten minutes, the two old people have been thinking. After a long time, one of them looked up and asked, who is it? Answer: I don't know …

3 1. My girlfriend and I went to see my parents, and my girlfriend went to the kitchen to help. After a brief introduction, her father said, "Young man, let's play chess." I said, "All right." You can't find the car after you set the chessboard. Her father said, "Where's your car, young man?" Without looking up, I calmly said to my father-in-law,' Nothing, it doesn't matter whether you have a car or not. As long as you play well, you can still win "

Last time I went out to play with my classmates, I called two taxis because there were too many people. I led the way and they followed. After getting on the bus, I said to the master, "Master, someone is following us." The master said, "Well, I see!" It turned out that the taxi in the back was missing. I asked the master, "Where is the taxi behind me? I saw that the master said seriously, "Don't worry, I got rid of it! "

33. I walked through the dark alley again. The red neon light in the hut shines on me and I am smoking. Suddenly I heard a scream from inside, "Come and play, handsome boy!". I suddenly threw away my cigarette butt and smiled disdainfully. "Why don't I ride you crazy this time?" Fly over, throw a coin, and the familiar song rings, "Daddy's father is called Grandpa! Dad's mother is called grandma! ..... "This kind of rock music makes me dizzy.

34. I have a strong mother. I remember when I was a child, my mother took me to ride a bike, and my foot got stuck in the wheel. My mother felt unable to pedal, so she stood up and pedal.

My girlfriend's name is Zhu Jing. The first time I brought my girlfriend back to my hometown in the countryside, I said, Mom, Zhu Jing is here. Mother listened and said that the pig came in and drove it out.

36. My friend's three-year-old daughter is disobedient. Her mother said that if you didn't listen, she would throw you out and pick one up. The little girl was silent for a while and said, what you picked up is not obedient either. It's really fucking unnecessary.

37. I asked a child to dance, and he said weakly, "I can't." I said, "Boys should be confident and bold". As a result, he shouted, "I won't."

38. The ancient robbery: "I opened this mountain and planted this tree. If you want to live from now on, stay and buy the toll. " How rude this language is. After thousands of years of civilization baptism, in today's society, how civilized and friendly language has become: "Please slow down at the 500-meter toll station ahead ..."

39. "Manager, all the singing guests in room 3 10 have run away. What do you think? " "Are you fucking sick? We are not a conservatory of music. It is our fault that the guests are out of tune. "

40. A psychopath went to the bank, knocked on the counter glass with his hand and asked the counter attendant, "Is this bulletproof glass?" The waiter said yes. Mental illness: "Can you stop a bomb? The waiter turned pale with fear: "No, the psycho took out two playing cards from his pocket:" A pair of big and small kings. Then stick it on the glass and say, "Fried!" Twenty seconds later, I saw the waiter trembling and saying, "I can't afford it." "

4 1. I called a Didi owner yesterday and said he was a rich second generation. He drives a BMW just for fun. He said that he was very free at ordinary times and didn't listen to anyone except his father. He said, okay.

42. Whose Bluetooth special name is "an old sow"! ! ! ? Every time you turn on Bluetooth, the system prompts, "An old sow wants to pair with you.

43. An ant went out for food for the first time, and suddenly it began to rain. It doesn't know how to get back to the nest. At this time, it met another ant and asked, "How do you get back to the nest?" Another ant replied, "Smile or silence?"

44. One day, the math teacher wrote an abnormal math problem on the blackboard and was about to ask someone to write it. I shook my sleeping deskmate: "Brother, the teacher asked you to clean the blackboard.

45. Knowing this, the deskmate strode to the blackboard. The teacher thought that the deskmate was going to have a problem and nodded with relief. The deskmate nodded confidently and wiped the blackboard clean two or three times.

46. Just received a strange phone call, and a man said, Hello! Congratulations on winning the second prize of our company, 300,000 yuan! Before I could speak, he smiled and said, I'm sorry, I just started to lie for the first time, and I couldn't help it.

47. In high school, the headmaster passed by the back door of the school. Before going out, he heard a student shouting, I want to take the Oxford exam! The headmaster was so excited that it was about to see which student had this grand goal. He shouted, two more big kidneys!

48. In the alley where there is no finger, the girl in the flower season was coerced to take off her clothes by a gangster with a knife. The girl had no choice but to take off her sweater, thinking that she should take off her underwear when she was finished. Unexpectedly, the gangster said to wear it. The girl was confused, but she still put on a sweater. Repeatedly for a hundred times, the girl cried and asked him, What do you want? The gangster said with aftertaste: Don't talk, you see how beautiful static electricity and sparks are.

50. A beautiful woman went to work in the morning and bought a baked sweet potato and put it in her ass pocket without breakfast. After getting on the bus, I quickly found an empty seat and sat down. At this moment, I heard a muffled sound. A big yellow sweet potato bag was squeezed out of my ass, steaming slightly ... the whole car was boiling. This beautiful woman wants to prove that this is not shit by action, so she quickly grabbed a handful and put it in her mouth. As a result, even the drivers who came to see the situation vomited.

5 1. The little lion is an adult and ready to fall in love. His mother told the little lion: when you see the object you like, you must take the initiative to pick the advantages of the other person and chat. On this day, the little lion met a little bitch on the roadside. The little lion went over and looked at each other for a long time. He asked, Do you like eating shit?

52. A man went to church to confess. The man said, "Dad, I stole someone else's cow. What should I do? " Can I give you the cow? The priest replied, "I don't want it." You should return the cow to its owner. "the man said," but he said he didn't want it. " The priest said, "Then help yourself." As a result, when the priest came home that night, he found his cow missing.

53. The British Daily Mail reported that in 19 10, Dr. Leivick, a penguin expert, went to the South Pole with the expedition. Besides homosexuality, Leivick was shocked to find that some penguins sexually abused children and even necrophilia. Too many people saw him record in Greek, and the official report deleted the relevant content until recently. Someone replied: I knew Tencent was not a good thing.

54. The Tang Priest said to Wukong, "There are several kinds of stones here. Do you know which is rain flower stone, which is fluorite, which is obsidian, which is garnet, which is moonstone and which is agate? " "How should I know!" "Then you are really disloyal." Tang Yan said.

55. On the way to learn the scriptures, the Monkey King lost his golden hoop and was very angry. He beat the ground, called it out and asked him, Tell me, where is my old grandson's golden cudgel? The land replied: Great Sage, in my opinion, your golden hoop sticks well with your hairstyle.

56. One day, I went to the supermarket and was about to leave when I met a teacher who taught me politics in junior high school. But at that time, I didn't know whether it was a trap or a trap, and I couldn't remember the teacher's name, but I couldn't pretend not to see it because of my face. I had a brainwave and waved over: "Hey, isn't this the political teacher?" The teacher gave me a look and said with a smile, "Hey, isn't this a student?" . Me: ". . . . . . . "

57. In clinical medicine class, the male teacher asked: Which organ will become 6-7 times bigger when it is excited? He ordered a girl to answer, blushed for a long time and said, I refuse to answer! The teacher had no choice but to order another boy to answer the boy's answer: primary school students. The teacher said: Correct! Then he said to the girl: I have three words to remind you. First, you don't have the content of the preview class. Second, you are thinking again; Third, you will be disappointed after marriage! ……

58. My friend's daughter was dismissed on the first day of kindergarten. The thing is this: on the first day of kindergarten, all the children cried, but she didn't. The teacher praised her and put her aside to coax other children. Finally, the child was stabilized, and she said, "Mom and Dad don't want us", so the scene suddenly got out of control. When the teacher held the child steady for the second time, he added "We will be sold" and the scene got out of control again. When the teacher finally stabilized the child for the third time, it was time to eat, and she added, "I won't eat unless my mother made it." The scene got out of control again. This time, all the people who cried and broke the plates managed to stay up until the afternoon after school. She was the first to be picked up. As soon as she threw herself into her mother's arms, she turned her head and said, "Send us tomorrow." This scene is not as simple as losing control. ...

My boss drove a Lamborghini when he came to work. I said, "Wow, this car is great." He replied: "If you work hard, devote yourself wholeheartedly and strive for perfection, then next year, I will have another one."

60. Driving out with a female colleague, she said that she had a cold, a headache, a sore throat and was very uncomfortable. Please let me buy some medicine for her. So I passed by the drugstore, bought a bag of granules, and returned to the car to give it to my female colleague. At this time, my wife called and just answered the sigh of my female colleague: "Alas, I have no water now. Do you still buy granules? "

6 1. Go to eat crayfish with friends. A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, will mother crayfish be worried if she can't go home?" Her mother froze ... and then the boss came to save her. "No, their whole family is here."

62. Interviewer: "Your resume says that you are quick in mental arithmetic, so let me ask you, what is 13 times 19?" I blurted out, "45!" Interviewer: "This is far from it." Me: "Just say it quickly!