There are many contradictions between the old man and the baby, and a wise mother does just that.

Students ask questions in the group of @ Pipi Dai Pipi:

Old people at home always over-arrange their children, which leads to laziness, willfulness and lack of responsibility. I told you, old people won't listen and won't change. What should I do with it?

The details are as follows:

1. Old people must feed their children and eat a satisfactory amount, otherwise they will not stop. The child has obviously accumulated food and needs to be fed.

2. Chasing the child to wash his face and wipe his hands, and arranging all kinds of small things in his life.

3. Old people are "too active", which leads to children's lack of practical ability and sense of responsibility; Now the living habits are poor, and even a little thing is awkward.

I have already communicated with the old man and asked her to let go. But the old man still goes his own way. Finally, I had to sulk alone. ...

After some communication with us, Xueyou "@ Pipi Dai Pipi" himself concluded:

What I want most is for the elderly to let go and let the children "grow up independently". How can I convince the elderly and let the children know how to be responsible for themselves?

I understand the maternal love of @ Pipi Dai Pipi:

Every mother wants to give her children the best growing environment. Expect children to be in good health, good habits and early success.

It is precisely because of this "natural love" that we must be braver and dare to understand what we are really doing under all these appearances.

Otherwise, we can't realize that we will have such a great influence on our children!

This requires us to be a little "conscious" as parents-to be a "bystander" and pay attention to the "real experience" that children receive.

As far as the law of children's brain development is concerned, only the "real" experience received by children can truly form the experience of brain "neuron discharge", which is the fundamental force to shape children themselves.

In other words, it is not enough to say that you think "I love children" and "I do it for your own good"; Only when children truly understand "being loved" can they truly have "happiness of being loved".

It's not enough that you say that you emphasize "you should be brave". Only by making the child truly realize that "even if I fail, I will safely challenge new things" will he truly gain enthusiasm and courage.

No way, the mind itself is such a very realistic tool centered on self-experience!

"Real experience brings" neuron discharge "; After several discharges, the brain will form a specific neural circuit, and the child's mind will take shape step by step.

Therefore, what deserves our attention is the "real experience" of each child; It is the experience itself that shapes the child itself.

With this perspective, let's put aside the original judgment for the time being and look at the "real experience" of the child in this incident.

According to the description of Xueyou "Pipi Dai Pipi", I helped to summarize the children's experiences as follows:

1. Children are always urged by their grandmothers to wash their faces and chase after food ... and feel very insecure;

2. Because I feel that I can't be the master, it is easy to be a "mistake" when I am the master, and it is inevitable to feel depressed and out of control.

3. I often hear my grandmother tell me that she is disobedient and not sensible, and she will feel "denied";

In the long run, children will inevitably feel that they are "not good enough".

These are obviously the concerns of schoolmates. Let's assume that the experience is negative 10.

In order to change this situation, Xueyou stepped in. But the "direct experience" of children under certain operations is:

1. My mother also repeatedly stressed: I made mistakes in XXX and XXX!

2. My current "bad habit" will make me worse in the future!

My mother also thinks that I am a "procrastinating and irresponsible" child ... I may really be like this in the future.

My problem now is caused by my grandmother. I was murdered.

My mother is also very dissatisfied with me, expressing disappointment. Although sometimes I don't know why. ...

How many points can you score from the above experience? It's not a positive number anyway, is it?

Assuming that the score is also negative 10, then the experience gained by the child is negative 20 points.

Can you understand this simple calculation?

Only children really suffer. Because the negative experience he received is always increasing!

Continue to analyze, the root of this "deviation" lies in:

2. Based on the "negative deviation" of the brain, we often magnify, magnify and re-magnify the negative part of the experience.

3. Then, we will habitually say these "problems". We always assume that once we can "prove" that the problem is bad, the other party should consciously correct it.

Because of this, we even unconsciously make the "problem" more serious and disgusting. Because we also assume that the more serious and disgusting things are, the higher the probability of change if the other party admits his mistake.

The above is our "formula" to solve problems and eliminate personal pain.

But if you bring "awareness" to experience it, is it really like this?

In the adult world, if you point out some problems, will others change for them? Who can guarantee that?

Borrow a famous saying about "authority and correctness" from the justice of the Supreme Court of the United States and transform it into our daily life. The so-called "right and wrong" is actually:

It is not because you are right that you have the final say. Because you are in charge, you are right!

Adults argue with each other about right and wrong, and "mutual change" is actually very limited. You have to say it yourself in the end to change this kind of thing.

However, the problem is: once we tell our own judgment and let the children know, negative thoughts will come true!

Negative judgment has changed from a set of discharges in your "mind" to the other person's "real experience". You can also call it "negative suggestion".

Perhaps adults have some resistance to such negative hints, but children don't.

Children will naturally accept what their parents and family say. They are like a blank sheet of paper, which can be smeared at will. No matter what color you give him or her, he or she must accept it.

For example, perhaps originally, children will feel a little "valued" happiness from the various arrangements of the elderly. But grandma and mom criticized each other in turn, and things became: You are too irresponsible to do even the most basic things well. ...

After listening to it many times, he will feel that he really has a problem!

As a result, the strong and real negative suggestion made the child really become an "irresponsible" person.

Speaking of this, some readers may ask: Is this asking me to say nothing when I meet someone else's mistakes?

Yes, it means "don't say". What's the use of talking! You have to do it!

Or, to put it another way: if you know that someone else has done something wrong, why should you cooperate with him and use your various "statements" to amplify this misconduct?

Since it is for children, there is no need to focus on: please "turn over a new leaf"; What does he/she do, change and unchanged, so what? ! Won't he change? Will the earth turn?

Since we attach importance to children, we should concentrate all our energy on: what kind of experience should I give them!

Wise parents will do at least two things:

First, I don't care what I think in my heart. I will never use "negative suggestion" to define and comment on children. Because I absolutely don't cooperate, I don't add "negative points".

It is also well understood by psychological "developmental thinking": people cannot be defined first. We can tell our children that something is wrong, but we must never say: you are such an irresponsible guy!

Second, when someone does something wrong, the first priority is to "actively remedy".

For example, grandma denies her children everything she does, which really gives them a negative experience.

The most direct way is that we give our children a "positive experience" to offset the "negative 10 score" caused by grandma.

For example, you can sincerely emphasize to your child: I really believe that you can take care of yourself! Your self-care ability and planning ability are great! And it will get stronger and stronger!

What? Grandma said that you are "ignorant at all, you can't even wash your face well, so you are a troublemaker?"

Stop joking, there is no such thing!

Mom loves to wash your face. You just need a chance to try. When you grow up, you will naturally wash yourself. You can take care of yourself!

Why do I never encourage my parents to communicate with others? Because I think "people's energy is very limited"! The effect of trying to persuade other adults is uncertain. Therefore, the best protection and intervention is that we always strive to create a positive experience with reference to your desired purpose!

I sum up this principle as "beginning to end".

What do you want (that is, the end point), take this "end point" as the "starting point" Try to add positive hints in the environment that are consistent with this result.

Once the child believes that he is, your dream will come true! This is to use strength on the blade.

Finally, what if the "negative experience" given by others is too great?

Then you can only use isolation to find ways to "please" the other party and let go: I take care of the children and I am responsible for everything.

But in this process, you must not use the context of "you are hurting my child".

The last thing a child needs is to feel like a "victim"! This kind of self-injury cognition is not good for children.

The reality is that we are all human beings. When disciplining children, we will do some correct operations and make some mistakes. We should help children see the positive side.

Even if there is no grandma, there will be grandpa, third aunt and second brother-in-law ... There will be classmates and teachers in children's lives; There will also be various social media, news, TV dramas and so on to influence children.

But none of this is the most important thing. What we want to help children understand is: I am my own master! I (mom) believe that you can make the best choice for yourself!

This is also a powerful and positive hint that children urgently need.

This is our most confident, efficient and best education and protection for children!

Bless everyone!