I'm not fit, but why should I change?

Text/Mind Research Room-the ideological tide card in your mobile phone

Words in the full text: 2757; Reading time: 9 minutes

Chipa said that BBking Night has finally come to an end, such as Jing Bao is still the uncrowned king. However, the last debate was really worrying-"I don't fit in, should I change?"

Speaking of the problem of gregarious, there is a saying that once swept all kinds of social software, occupying all kinds of people's personality signatures, friends circle and dynamics for a long time-"Different circles are not better than strong integration."

This sentence, from the 10W+ explosive article some time ago (this may be the goal that Uncle Zha will never achieve in his life), generally refers to some social circles or social obstacles.

This sentence actually refers to the "social circle", that is, the value your social resources can bring to each other. Sometimes it's capital wealth, sometimes it's idea, sometimes it's background, sometimes it's your means ability. But more often, it is a combination of these.

But many people think that this is actually talking about the most self-doubt problem in society-gregarious.

? 0 1?

You hit the glory of the king, but I want to eat chicken, so you call me a loner?

In fact, the reason for being accused of being unsociable is really super simple.

A group of people get together to play games. Everyone opens the the glory of the king at the same time, but you choose to eat chicken. As it happens, there are five of you At this time, someone may suddenly say, "Oh, stop playing with chickens. Why don't you join us often? " At this time, you who eat chicken will become more or less unsociable in the eyes of the other party.

Wait a minute, I just want to eat a chicken. You play yours and I'll play mine. Is this unsociable? So, what can be called gregarious?

Being gregarious is an instinct of human beings, which represents a tendency to be with others or even groups.

When we were babies, we would cling to our mothers. This earliest attachment state is actually a social reaction of human instinct.

As human beings, in addition to natural attributes, we have to eat and drink Lazar, and we also have our own social attributes, and human social attributes are the most perfect among all known species on earth (I don't know the unknown, I dare not think about it outside the earth).

The social attribute of human beings has actually required people to live in groups to a certain extent. For example, from the division of production to social role-playing, these links can not be completed by one person.

Of course, there will be some people who are unsociable, which is what we call "non-social personality" in psychology.

Antisocial personality. Its performance is that it doesn't like interpersonal communication, tries to avoid all kinds of social activities, is withdrawn, and is unwilling to communicate with others and accept help and guidance from others.

Under normal circumstances, this personality attribute is a little self-righteous or self-conscious, but in extreme cases, these people are either geniuses or crazy.

In daily social activities, we will meet some people who don't seem to like interpersonal communication very much, or who are relatively withdrawn, but in real social activities, we will consciously avoid these people. Of course, it's not that these people are bad, but that we prefer to be with people who are easy to get along with.

Therefore, unsociable, strictly speaking, is a concept that does not exist in daily social activities. Because it is the instinct of all of us to fit in, real misfit rarely exists.

What we mean by unsociable is that when individuals act according to their self-awareness, they will have an impact on the group goals, so that the group goals cannot be effectively realized, and individuals will be considered as marginal roles of the group.

In other words, my little sister goes to the toilet hand in hand, and if you don't go, my little sister thinks you are pretending to be cold and unsociable.

This kind of unsociable is very common, and of course there will be the next problem. Who will decide whether I am gregarious or not?

? 02?

Say I don't belong to the group, is that out of your group or out of all groups?

In your life, in fact, you will perform this unsociable drama every day.

Everyone has lunch together, you choose your favorite mala Tang, and everyone else goes to eat braised chicken;

Everyone plays games, you choose to go home to chase online dramas, and others go to internet cafes to open black;

Once you make a choice different from the requirements of the group, you will be marginalized by the group consciously or unconsciously.

In fact, people will never be particularly unsociable.

From a sociological point of view, the production and life of individuals must depend on groups.

There is a famous saying that has exploded the circle of friends-"Beasts are destined to walk alone, and only cattle and sheep will get together". The meaning of this sentence is to explain the difference between the weak and the strong, but in the elite, no one can say that they can exist independently, only the difference between leaders and sheep.

Then why do people always say they don't fit in?

Sometimes, we even ask ourselves: Am I a lonely person? Like nobody likes me?

However, it wasn't you who said you were unsociable at first. We didn't put this label on ourselves.

I just didn't choose to eat braised chicken with you, so I became a loner in your eyes. I didn't play games with you, so you think I'm too cold to play with you. So I can't eat spicy food when I say that? Or can't I cook at home?

And to be honest, I am not suitable for your group, so I am not suitable? Then why should I live so tired to cater to you and change my mind?

What kind of operation is this?

Therefore, the real loner is not that we don't take the initiative to integrate, but that for some reason, I have become unsociable.

As students, or young people, there is no such problem as "circle" mentioned at the beginning in social communication. There are no obstacles to social interaction. Who you play with depends entirely on your personal preference. However, due to our different preferences, there will always be conflicts in our social behaviors.

It's not your own problem to be unsociable, but that we may not be suitable for this group in the first place. No matter because of the disagreement of values or our preferences, I find that I can only dive in this group. I can accept what everyone does, but I don't like it. Then why should I waste time adapting? I can pull a group by myself, or find a group that suits me better.

Just like you paid attention to Zha Shu's official WeChat account, you may have paid attention to it for various reasons, but you didn't leave, which shows that to some extent, our views are the same. Then I'll chat in groups and get together. Isn't this gregarious?

So gregarious is more often a matter of different positions and viewpoints. There will always be some people in this world who share my position and have similar values. Therefore, it is not my own problem to fit in, nor can I control it, but I don't belong to this group.

It's normal to be unsociable. Being unsociable doesn't mean I'm an eccentric person.

? 03?

I am an unsociable person, but why do you ask me to become a gregarious person?

I may be a loner in your eyes, but why should I change?

I remember when I first entered the university, my roommate and I were a little different. I seem to have been busy with clubs, study and career development. I always go in and out alone. Once my teacher noticed me after class and asked, "Why don't you go back to the dormitory with your roommate?"

I said at that time, "They left first."

But I'm actually a little confused. Yes, why didn't I go back to the dormitory with them?

And sometimes I find that when they go out to eat and drink, I'm usually not there. Even sometimes I find them laughing happily. When I appeared, everyone was very calm, and I didn't really have a group chat in our dormitory.

In fact, these people are very cute, but I was a little skeptical at the time. I know I'm not very sociable at this stage, but in the process of getting along, I find that I have always been a little out of touch with my lovely roommates.

Maybe I pay special attention to training my skills, or learning English and taking part in competitions, but in everyone's eyes, I feel normal.

I asked a senior who had a good relationship with me. The senior told me at that time: "If you can't make everyone like you now, or if you are so awesome that you are completely different from others, you must blend in."

I still can't judge whether this sentence is right or wrong, but I know one thing, there are some things I can't even change. All I can do is adapt and coordinate.

Because in order to fit in, I may have to give up some values or behaviors that I think are right. In this case, will I be happy even if I join this group?

More than once, I was told that "gregarious is a social ability". But in my opinion, social skills are not gregarious.

The real gregarious ability is that we can adapt to the surrounding environment, that is, the group we want to join, so as to help ourselves or your subordinate groups achieve a certain goal, rather than that I have to change something I already have in order to become one with everyone.

If so, aren't you tired of living?

I can get along well with all people or all groups, but that doesn't mean I have to get along with groups or people I don't like. Getting along well is for better cooperation, not for maintaining the personality of "I am who I am".

If you ask me to get rid of it or bite the bullet and get along because I don't fit in, I can only say one thing:

Fuck you!