How many steps does it take to get rid of this child?

After reading Rudolf Drex's Children: Challenge, I realized that parenting is a very effective method and gives me confidence to change.

The first is the concept. Various versions of A Lonely Brave, which primary school students like, can be popular all over the country, occupying hot searches in Tik Tok, Weibo and so on. It can be seen that the influence of primary school students is great now, and the family is no longer the era when parents have the final say.

Concepts should be changed, children should be respected and children should be given the same equality and freedom as adults. This freedom is not indulgence, but contains rules and responsibilities.

On the basis of respecting children's equality and freedom, it is a basic subject of modern education and a challenge to our parents to let children respect rules, respect the rights of others, take responsibility and win cooperation.

Secondly, we should understand the purpose and motivation of children's behavior. The basic needs of children are to find their own sense of belonging and their own positioning.

The factors that affect children's sense of belonging are internal environment and external environment. The internal environment mainly refers to the child's nature, such as choosing to adjust yourself or give up when facing difficulties.

The external environment mainly includes the family atmosphere created by parents, the position and role of children in the family, and the cultivation of children with new principles and methods.

As far as children's status in the family is concerned, there is a popular saying called "family constellation". Every child will establish his position in his own way. For example, the eldest brother and the second brother will stimulate each other and develop in the opposite direction. For example, if the boss succeeds in a certain aspect, the second child will regard this area as an "occupied area" and turn to the completely opposite aspect.

For example, an only son is like a dwarf surrounded by giants. He has no brothers or sisters to develop relationships with his peers. His goal may be to please or manipulate adults in disguise.

As the second child, he suddenly found that he had neither the advantage of being the boss nor the privilege of being a "little baby", and he was prone to feel discriminated against and abused, and felt that life and people around him were unfair.

If strong masculinity is generally valued in the family, then the girls in the family may compete with their brothers and develop into "men and women take all the food"; If parents regret not having a son, then one of the daughters may behave like a boy to please their parents.

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Therefore, when children develop these relationships with others, they will position themselves through their own wisdom and ability. If they succeed in achieving their goals, they will keep this way as one of their own positioning methods.

So, what is the child's behavioral motivation? Children who feel discouraged, in particular, will have four wrong goals: to find a sense of belonging by seeking "excessive attention", such as keeping others busy for themselves; The struggle for power frustrated parents; Make sure that you are not liked and take revenge by hurting others; Give up on yourself, exaggerate your weaknesses with your helplessness, and avoid doing what he expects he will fail, otherwise it will be even more embarrassing.

At the same time, we must understand that children know nothing about their wrong goals, and parents can't say it. We suspect that they have such a wrong goal, which will bring serious psychological harm to children. What we have to do is to use our psychological knowledge to understand children's behavior and know what parents should do next.

Finally, it is a methodological problem to spend time cultivating children. Learn to encourage children, avoid humiliation or overprotection, give them a sense of self-esteem and accomplishment, and never condescend to ridicule. Perhaps the parents just casually said that the child will remember it for a lifetime, and may always remember the feelings at that moment.

Don't punish and reward, the act of punishing or beating and cursing is actually to alleviate or cover up your frustration.

Of course, there is no need to bribe children. In fact, children have a desire to think about good behavior. Children's good behavior comes from their nature of hoping to gain a sense of belonging through contribution and cooperation.

This has always been my obsession. I once learned to reward children with money, toys and entertainment, and the results were not satisfactory. In this way, children are prone to the idea that they will only do it if they get benefits, and they cannot cultivate a sense of responsibility and internal self-driving.

The use of natural results and reasonable logical results is mainly to show "little concern" or "indifference" to children's bad behavior, so that children can experience it themselves and bear the natural adverse consequences, such as eating badly and being hungry.

Cultivate children's respect for order, law and the rights of others. Avoid forcing children to obey order in a friendly way, and at the same time let them feel the sense of disorder and guide them to obey order.

Obey the rules, the rules make people feel safe, and the rules cannot be easily broken. For example, during the summer vacation, it may be different from the regular life during school, but it is necessary to establish a regular summer vacation life so that children can cooperate and be harmonious.

Eliminate criticism and reduce mistakes. Don't always stare at "mistakes", children will easily lose courage, pay attention to what they have done well, show trust and encouragement, and their shortcomings will be improved.

Children are often asked: What can we do now that there is a problem? Guide children to learn from their mistakes and teach them methods. When we underestimate mistakes and difficulties, children will feel that mistakes and difficulties will become smaller, and correspondingly, his courage to overcome difficulties will also increase.

Be firm rather than tough, give up the way of command, express your attitude gently and firmly, match words with deeds, finish what you started, don't compromise casually, avoid giving too much attention and power struggle, leave the battlefield or remain silent, and express your calm attitude with actions.

To take a step back, give children space, give them encouragement, exercise their ability to solve problems independently, have the opportunity to solve contradictions independently, don't be overprotective, don't show pity, do your own thing well and give children the opportunity to choose.

Learn to listen. Children are actually very good at observing situations. They have the ability to make constructive suggestions and even valuable questions. We can make full use of their wisdom and value.

For example, I take my children to practice in front of the mirror. The child said there was no magic in the mirror. The most important thing is to believe in yourself and believe in yourself. Mirrors can help you realize your wishes.

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Of course, there is no fixed child. The topic is to make a joke, respect children, raise children more effectively by these methods, cultivate better parent-child relationship, and let children find their sense of belonging and security, feel heartfelt inner satisfaction and find the key to happiness.

This is also the reason why many modern adults are unhappy, and many adults also need to make up this lesson.

Let's call it a day. See you tomorrow.