Help me find some English jokes!

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I am a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: since I was an egg!

My girlfriend is outside in the car.

A man who had been drinking in a bar for several hours mentioned that his girlfriend was outside in the car. The bartender was worried because it was too cold, so he went to see her. When he looked into the car, he saw the man's friend Dave and his girlfriend kissing each other. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it was a good idea to see his girlfriend. The guy staggered out of the car, saw his friend and his girlfriend kissing, and then walked back to the bar with a smile.

"What's so funny?" The bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" The guy smiled and said, "He was so drunk that he thought he was me!" "

I think I will try a better method.

Every night, after dinner, a man goes to the local pub. He spent the whole evening there and came home drunk at midnight every day.

It is always difficult for him to insert the key into the keyhole and open the door. His wife is waiting for him and will walk to the door to let him in. Then she will continue to yell at him because he always goes out at night and comes home drunk. However, Harry continued his routine every night.

One day, the wife and a friend were talking about her husband's behavior, and she was particularly upset about it.

The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you be different from him when he comes home?"? Instead of lambasting him, why not give him some words of love and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he may change his way. "

The wife thought it might be a good idea.

That night, after dinner, Harry left again. At about midnight, he returned home, as usual.

His wife heard his voice at the door, quickly went over, opened the door and let Harry in.

This time, instead of scolding him as usual, she took him by the arm and took him into the living room. She sat him in an easy chair, put his feet on the ottoman, and then took off his shoes. Then she walked up behind him and began to hug him. After a while, she said to him, "It's late, dear. I think we'd better go upstairs and sleep now, don't you think? "

Hearing this, Harry replied drunkenly, "I think we can, too." Anyway, I will be in trouble with that stupid wife when I get home! "

You can't bring dogs into this bar.

A man took his dog to a bar. He went to the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said, "You can't bring the dog in!" " The man said without hesitation, "This is my guide dog." "Oh, man," said the bartender, "I'm sorry. Here, the first drink is on me." The man picked up his drink and went to a table by the door.

Another man walks into a bar with a chihuahua. The first man saw him and stopped him and said, "You can't bring that dog in unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man thanked the first man politely and then walked on to the bar. He ordered a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring the dog in!" "

The second man replied, "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They don't have Chihuahua dogs as guide dogs. " The man paused for half a second and replied, "What? ! ? ! They gave me a chihuahua? ! ? "