Looking for classic bad jokes!

1. A patient came to a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always feel like I am a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that’s serious. Oh. When did it start?

Patient: Since I was a little bird.

2. A doctor at a mental hospital asked the patient: If I take your Cut off one ear. What will happen to you?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to hear.

The doctor heard: Hmm, it’s normal.

The doctor asked again: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to see.

The doctor became nervous. How could he not see?

The patient replied: Because the glasses would fall off.

3. There were two neurological patients. From the hospital Escape.

The two ran and ran and climbed up a tree.

One of them jumped down from the tree.

Rolling and rolling. .

Then he raised his head and said to the person above: Hey------Why don't you come down yet---------?

The one above The person answered him: No---ok--ah------

I'm not familiar with it yet-----------

4. There is an old lady in the mental hospital.

Wearing black clothes every day and holding a black umbrella.

Squatting at the door of the mental hospital.

The doctor just wanted to : To heal her, you must start by understanding her.

So the doctor also wore black clothes, held a black umbrella, and squatted there with her.

The two squatted in silence for a month.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-------

Are you---also a mushroom------?

5. A doctor at a mental hospital is going to talk to a mental patient who is about to be discharged to confirm whether the patient has Complete recovery

Recovered.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you are discharged from the hospital?

Patient: Use rocks to smash all the window glass in your hospital.

After hearing this, the doctor found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue treatment. A few more months passed. Later, the doctor felt that the patient seemed ready to be discharged from the hospital, so he decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you are discharged from the hospital?

Patient: Find a job.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Make money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Get a wife.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take out the rubber band from your underwear, make a slingshot, and find some rocks to smash all the window glass in your hospital.

6. Two mental patients, A. Mr. B recovered at the same time, and their attending doctor said to them: "If one of you gets sick, the other one will send him to the hospital immediately."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It rang, and it turned out to be Mr. A: "It's terrible, Mr. B has been crawling in the toilet of my house since this morning. He must be my toilet." "Hurry, bring him here quickly!" Mr. A was silent. Moment: "Then...don't I have no toilet?"

7. In the mental hospital, a mental patient fished in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a The nurse jokingly asked: "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted: "You

There's something wrong with your brain. Didn't you see that it was an empty fish tank? ”

8. There is a mental hospital, where many mental patients live.

One day, the director there thought of a way to see the recovery of the patients. Tell these patients, you all

come here, draw a door on the wall, and say: "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

When the mentally ill patients heard this, they swarmed up and surrounded the door of the painting. The dean felt very disappointed. At this time, he found that one patient was still sitting in the original position and did not move. Okay, I stepped forward and asked, "Why don't you open the door? "

He looked at the dean and said something. After hearing this, the dean couldn't laugh or cry.

The patient secretly told the dean: "I have the key here. ”

9. Patients in the hospital’s psychiatric department often have a crush on doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to a male doctor...

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Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you love me?

Doctor Lan thought for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and prevent the condition from getting worse)

Doctor Lan: What about us? It is the relationship between doctor and patient. Because you are sick, I must take good care of you...

(In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished)

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you mean you don’t love me?

Doctor Lan (thinking hard): Hmm... um... um...

Female patient: Fortunately...I love Dr. Chen...

.10. Snake, Ant, Spider, and Centipede played mahjong at home for 8 rounds, and everyone finished smoking. Let someone buy cigarettes. The snake said: I have no legs. I won’t go. Let the ant go. The ant said: The spider has eight legs, which are more than mine. The spider said: No matter how many legs I have, they can’t compare to the centipede. Brother, let the centipede go. The centipede was helpless and thought: There is no way, who will let me have more legs? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes... It has been more than an hour, and the centipede has not come back. Two hours later, the centipede has not seen the purchase. The smoke came back. So everyone asked the spider to go out and see the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked: "Why don't you go?" The centipede was also anxious and said: "Nonsense!" Wait until I put on my shoes!

11. Two people were talking in the mental hospital: "How is my novel?" "Yes, but there are too many people in attendance." At this time the nurse shouted to them: "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly." ”

12. A farmer’s daughter was too ugly to get married, so the farmer had to let her go to the cornfield as a scarecrow to scare the crows. When she got there, she not only scared away the crows, It even scared three crows and sent back the corn they had stolen.

13. The leader went to the countryside to inspect. The village chief asked the farmers to shout the slogan and just repeat the last two words. The leader arrived. After shouting “Abandon prostitution”, the farmers responded with “Prostitution!” Whoring! ”

14. A certain mutton kebab maker was transferred to be a cremator and was fired within a few days because he always asked the family members of the deceased:

How many kebabs do you want to grill? Well-cooked

15. A fat girl asked the racecourse administrator: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Administrator: I won’t hide it from you. Say, it's not a camel, it's the horse you rode last time.

16. A: I'm so short. B: How short is it? A: I was originally cast in "Water Margin". Wu Dalang. B: How short is that? A: But the director said: "You are not tall enough. ”

17. There was a polar bear who had to wear sunglasses to see because the snow was so harsh.

But he couldn’t find the sunglasses, so he crawled over with his eyes closed. I crawled and searched on the ground, crawling and crawling until my hands and feet were dirty before I found the sunglasses.

Put on your sunglasses and look in the mirror, and then you realize: Oh, it turns out I am a panda

At 18, Xiaobai, Xiaohuang and Xiaolan were taking a long-distance bus. Who gets motion sickness?

Answer: Xiaobai, because Xiaobai can vomit (little white rabbit)

19. Which animal is most likely to fall?

Fox, because he is the cunningest

20. As for Xiao Ming, he has to take the exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV at night

Xiao Ming’s mother asked worriedly :Have you finished reading all the books? There’s an exam tomorrow

Xiao Ming answered readily: Mom, I’ve finished reading.

Xiao Ming’s mother happily praised Xiao Ming: Good boy, you will definitely do well in the exam tomorrow

Xiao Ming cried and said: Mom, I mean, ‘Mom, I see , finished'.

21. A businessman and his friends were invited to a professor's house for dinner. During the dinner, a guest asked him if he liked Shakespeare. He replied: "Yes, but I prefer whiskey." Everyone was dumbfounded.

22. On the way home, his friend said: "You are so stupid, why did you mention whiskey? Everyone knows that Shakespeare is not a wine. It is a kind of wine." Cheese."

23. A man goes to a pharmacy, takes out a gun, declares robbery, then takes out a big bag and puts it over his head - and then he realizes he forgot I punched holes in the bag for eyes.

24. Mr. Keith caught a thief and said, "Why did you steal a woman's money and bring her here?"

"Don't be wronged, I don't just steal women's money." , I also steal men’s items,” the thief said aggrievedly. .

25. Mother: "My child, go and kiss the new teacher."

Son: "I'm not going. Just now, my father kissed her and she hit him." "Slap in the face."

26. In Germany, schools are getting bigger. So many principals insist that it is an honor to remember the names of children who attended their schools.

At another party, a principal recognized one of his former students: "Oh, you are LeVert Miller. You were in sixth grade in 1964, right?"

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"Exactly, Mr. Principal." The young man said.

"You see, I never forget my students." The principal said proudly, "So, where do you work now?"

The young man blushed: "I Now I am a teacher in your school, Mr. Principal”

27. Ten Internet names that make administrators faint

1. Name them “I don’t know”

Reporter: "Administrator, I report"

Administrator: "Who?"

Reporter: "I don't know"

Management Member: "...Get out..."

2. Name it "Please wait"

Reporter: "Administrator, I am reporting"

Administrator: "Who?"

Informer: "Please wait"

Admin: "Okay, hurry up!"

One minutes later. . .

Administrator: "Who is it?"

Informer: "Please wait!!!"

Administrator: "Wait for you. . . ."

Name: "I am the one reporting it!"

: "Who?"

Informant: "It's me"

Administrator: "Very good, I'll grant you a favor...Ban!"

Informant: "...Help...

”

4. Name: “I lied to you”

Reporter: “Administrator, I reported”

Administrator: “Report again? who? ”

Informant: “I lied to you”

Administrator: “I’m full and have nothing to do, go home and drink milk, get out!” "

5. Name it "Hey hey hey"

Informer: "Administrator, someone is using a plug-in, I will report it"

Administrator: "Okay , who is it? "

Reporter: "Hey hey hey hey"

Administrator: ". . . Who is it? "

Informant: "Hey hey hey"

Administrator: "Here, call the mental hospital." . . . "

6. Name it "I am your dad"

Informer: "Administrator, someone is using a plug-in"

Administrator: "Who?" ”

Informant: “I am your father”

Administrator: “I am your grandfather!” ”

7. Named “Not Me”

Reporter: “I reported that someone used a plug-in”

Administrator: “****, who? "

Reporter: "Not me"

Administrator: "? Who is that? ”

Informant: “It’s not me”

Administrator: “You are talking nonsense, who are you?” ”

Informant: Informant: “Really, it’s not me”

Administrator: “Get out of here.” . . . "

8. Name it "Administrator"

Informer: "Administrator, someone is using a plug-in, I will report it"

Administrator: " Okay, who is it? "Informant: It's "the administrator"

Administrator: "Who? Who are you talking about? "

Informant: "Administrator"

Administrator: "***, do I need to use a plug-in? Destroy you! ***. "

9. Name: "I am dead"

Reporter: "Administrator, there is a cheat, I will report it"

Administrator: "* ***Boy, I have been played for a day. If you dare to report a false case, I will kill you. Tell me who it is? "

Informant: "I am dead"

Administrator: "You ***, why are you causing trouble if you are dead? Come to me again if you are alive. ”

10. Name: I won’t tell you even if you kill me

Informer: “Administrator, I report”

Administrator: “Report again?” who? "

Informant: "I won't tell you even if you beat me to death"

Administrator: "*! You have nothing to do when you are full, so get out of here! ”

28. Which Chinese character is the coolest?

Answer: Thong (cool).

29.Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat? A: People! Q: One day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. So what did he eat? A: Eat a vegetable!

30. There is a question in the final exam of a certain law school: Please explain the difference between "law" and "law" in the word law.

A girl answered:~ Of course it’s different~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a lawyer~ my mother will be very happy~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a mage~ my mother will definitely beat me to death~

31. A man has never been on an airplane. When he sat in the airplane, his face turned pale with fright. When he heard the sound of the engine, he grabbed the armrests of the chair tightly and closed his eyes. In five minutes, he It seemed like a century had passed. After hearing no sound, he slowly opened his eyes and boldly looked out of the window.

"It's amazing," he said to his neighbor, " Flying so high! You see, these people all look like ants."

"I can only tell you," the neighbor said coldly, "these are real ants. The plane hasn't taken off yet. !"

32..One day...

A buck ran faster and faster...

Reached to the end ...

He became a ~"high-speed buck"~.....

33. A mung bean fell from upstairs! Turned into a red bean! Why?

Because he was bleeding!

34. One day, a blind man and a mute were walking on the street. Suddenly the blind man looked at the mute

The blind man: You don’t look like a mute...

Mute: How can you tell...

35. The earthworm family was very bored today.

The little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton.

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The mother earthworm cut herself into four pieces and went to play mahjong.

Daddy Earthworm thought for a while and cut himself into pieces.

The mother earthworm cried and said, "If you cut it into pieces, you will die!"

The father earthworm said weakly, "Suddenly I want to play football..."

36. A ghost... was walking... because he was underweight... and was blown away by the wind... and died!

37 Are you depressed? Want to take a vacation? Please call 110 toll-free to win a seven-day trip to the detention center with food and accommodation included! Call now and you will receive exquisite handcuffs, fashionable prison uniforms, free police car transportation, etc.! The first 10 people can also enjoy free head shaving! Act quickly!

38. Psychiatrist: "You used to think you were Diana, but now your disease is cured and you can be discharged from the hospital!"

Patient: "Thank you very much , please send the list of treatment fees to Prince Charles!”

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