Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

1. Enterprises must have foreign capital that cannot be stolen, bought, dismantled, taken away or slipped away. 2. Never hang yourself on a tree. Try it several times in the surrounding trees.

3. Money is not a problem, but no money!

Money can buy a house, but not a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

The result of diligence but inefficiency is that stupid birds fly first and then disappear.

6. Youth is like toilet paper. It looks a lot, but it's not enough.

7. People promise a stranger to get up, but they can't tolerate the promotion of people around them. Because there are contrasts and conflicts of interest between unified and organized people, there is no such achievement with strangers.

8. Human nature is greedy, but without greed, society will not progress.

9. People are afraid of being famous pigs and being strong, while men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

10. Life is like a dance, and the person who teaches you the first dance steps may not be able to accompany you to the end.

1 1. Rose says: Not all flowers represent love; Diamonds say: not all diamonds represent eternity.

12. Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

13. Boys are poor, otherwise they don't know how to struggle, girls are rich, otherwise they will be coaxed away as a piece of cake.

14. It doesn't matter if your head is empty, the key is not to enter the water.

15. Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face.

16. Do you think I will watch you die? I close my eyes.

17. You have a 30-degree smile that Baidu can't find.

18. When birds are big, there are all kinds of Woods!

19. It is not necessarily a prince riding a white horse, he may be Tang Priest; The one with wings is not necessarily an angel, he may be a bird man.

26 funny classic quotations _ shocking funny

1. Facing difficulties: You are not afraid of death, but are you still afraid of living?

Facing danger: are you not afraid of life, but also of death? This is Einstein's theory of relativity.

2. There are two kinds of men, one is lewd and the other is very lewd;

There are two kinds of women, one is pretending to be pure, and the other is pretending to be impure.

Tomorrow Valentine's Day, I found the phone number of a girl I secretly loved in middle school.

Sent her a short message:

If there is only one bowl of porridge, you drink half a bowl first, and I will put the remaining half bowl in my arms to keep you warm.

A few minutes later, she replied to a text message:

Who introduced you? 400 at a time and 700 at night.

3. I met a female netizen today. Her secret code is holding a rose.

Looking around on the dating website, I saw a woman holding a rose and looking up, so she ran away and went online at night.

Ask each other: Why did your mother come to meet the netizens for you?

From then on, I quietly lay on her blacklist.

In fact, steamed bread is omnipotent, and you can eat it when you are hungry.

If you want to eat cake, pat the steamed bread flat;

If you want to eat noodles, comb the steamed bread with a comb;

If you want to eat hamburgers, cut the steamed bread and eat it with vegetables.

5. To deal with a vicious person, you must be more vicious than him;

Dealing with a despicable person is more despicable than him;

When dealing with a handsome person, you must be more handsome than him;

If you deal with a handsome man, you will ruin his face!

6. I can't bear to let my children catch wolves, my daughter-in-law catch hooligans, and I can't bear to update my collection.

I am in a bad mood today. Last night's short message let me know that the girl I secretly love has fallen, and even told me 400 yuan at a time.

At that time, I was very sad, and I went through my wallet while I was sad: this made me even sadder, and I didn't even have the capital to fall with her once.

I am in a bad mood today. I only have four words to say. Including this sentence and the first two sentences. I quit.

8. When I suddenly remembered the university, the teacher wrote a couplet: the country is rich and strong, the family is rich and strong, and the country is rich and strong.

The monitor's couplet: the sky is magnificent, the earth is magnificent, and the world is magnificent! Then I was kicked out of the classroom.

Because my bottom line is: NMD, TMD, you TMD!

9. Some people say that if you bury your girlfriend in the ground in spring, there will be many girlfriends in autumn.

I heard that someone believed it and did it. He buried his girlfriend underground in spring.

In autumn, he was buried underground by the police uncle.

10. Lie on your back tonight, get up early tomorrow, lie prone tomorrow night, and exercise the day after tomorrow. Sometimes it's that simple.

1 1. Being single is very painful. Being single for a long time is more painful. I saw a sow the other day. I think its eyes are very good.

12. Cruel people have nothing to do. Find someone to kill them.

Romantic people do nothing. Find a beautiful woman to sleep with.

Rich people have nothing to buy a new car to drive.

I'm fine. Pick up a cigarette and smoke it.

13. Wildcat: Sleep wherever you go. Wild dog: Eat whatever you catch. Savage: Love everyone you meet.

14. The unfairness of this world lies in: God said: I want light! So there was this day.

The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she bought a diamond ring.

The rich man said: I want a woman! So he had a woman.

I said: I want to take a shower! I cann't believe the water stopped!

15. I read a book today and saw that Emperor Kangxi became the king of a country at the age of 23. But when I saw that the Tongzhi emperor was 23 years old and had died for four years, my heart was balanced.

16. It has been raining these days. I guess the jade emperor is crying. It must be that his marriage with the queen mother is unhappy. There are two possibilities for this unhappiness. One is that the queen mother has left, and the other is that the queen mother refuses to leave.

17. My father asked me what kind of life I wanted.

I answered money and beauty, and my father punched me in the face;

I answered career and love, and my father touched my head appreciatively.

18. After dinner, I smoked on the balcony and enjoyed it. Suddenly I saw a flash of light in the night sky. I was excited: a meteor!

So I made a wish at once.

I made six or seven wishes, opened my eyes, finished smoking and threw it out of the balcony.

Suddenly I heard a girl's voice downstairs: Wow! Meteor! make a wish

19. My dream life: I wake up naturally and count my money until my hands cramp.

My real life: I wake up naturally by counting money and sleep until my hands cramp.

20. I accidentally read the so-called contemporary women's criteria for choosing a spouse: having a car and a house, and both parents are dead.

Depressed. So I wrote down the imaginary criteria for choosing a wife:

Family wealth exceeds 100 million, beauty ranks first in the world, virtuous, gentle and sexy, and father-in-law has terminal cancer.

2 1. Look at beautiful women in the street. If you look up, you will appreciate them. If you look down, you will be hooligans.

22. I slowly discovered that talents are goblins! Some goblins eat people, but people eat everything. If you catch a leprechaun, maybe you can have a barbecue!

23. The wine in the restaurant was watered again today!

Shit! When I have money, I will also go to the grand hotel to drink remy martin and XO!

Never let them fool me with 1986 and 1972. Come to this year's bottle if you want!

24. My principle is: if people don't attack me, I won't attack; If someone attacks me, I will be angry!

25. In life, you can't hang yourself on a tree, but try to die several times on several nearby trees.

26. I just found out that the way to attract a man is to make him not get it;

The way to attract a woman is just the opposite, that is, to satisfy her.

A shocking classic quotation

1, we agreed to go to Whitehead together, but you secretly took the oil.

Everything in this world can be fake, but the only thing I can't stand is that the money in my hand is fake!

I swear I'll chop my hands when I surf the Internet again. I found out that I am a thousand-handed Guanyin.

4. Isn't the birthday monthly exam the saddest thing? It's okay, I'm still open ~ "Dear friends!

5, don't play cool with my sister, my sister is MINUS ten degrees!

I must write today! ! I'll fucking kill you for this stupid math!

7. Tucao is used to count money, not to make sense.

8. The poor play with cars, the rich play with watches and diaosi play with computers. ...

9. No matter how good the space background music is, kill Matt.

10, I took the time to pay for my mobile phone, only to know that my words are so valuable.

1 1. When I saw you, I almost threw up the baby.

12, military training, heatstroke, people falling down, buying medicine, out of stock. I smiled.

13. Actually, I have received higher education, but I have a little more peasant temperament.

14, the devil can't teach an apprentice like me.

15, sometimes you think the sky is falling, but in fact you are on your side. ...

16, I really don't understand why I hanged myself when I was a child.

17, do you have a dog with you? It's the talking kind.

18. Who fed my QQ cough syrup? Why do I feel that this penguin has not coughed for a long time?

Happy birthday to me! I hope my future daughter-in-law will find me, and we will quickly register for marriage and have children.

20. A large-scale disaster movie "Opening School" will be shown in the whole country soon.

2 1, behind a successful man there is a supportive woman, and behind a failed man there is a naughty woman.

22. As long as you have classes in your heart, you don't skip classes anywhere.

23. Oh, my God, I hope my future deskmate is both a school grass and a schoolmaster.

24. Dare to curse me for eating instant noodles without seasoning packets, and I curse you for eating instant noodles with seasoning packets.

25. Sister Na, if you don't come to Happy Camp, you will change your name.

26. I wish all lovers in the world are long-lost brothers and sisters.

Mosquitoes should be taken off the shelf.

28, the bangs in front grow fast, and the hair in the back is learning.

29. I want to sneeze, but I will come out with tears in my eyes.

I want to be a good boy, but my personality is gradually becoming a bad boy.

3 1, the saddest thing is that your best friend likes your boyfriend and your boyfriend's buddy likes you!

32. What is home? Home is where wifi will automatically connect.

33. Why do you want to grind onions? I still have a forest!

I will pursue my ideal, otherwise I will die unsatisfied.

35. Get out on any birthday or broken egg day! I'm still young, and I don't want to be so old!

36. Born wrong, you can't afford to die. Now the cemetery is as expensive as the house price.

37. As for "white wealth and beauty", I have met all three criteria-free food and accommodation, money and bragging.

38. It's not that I'm not close to women, but that women are not close to me!

39, 18 years old, wish me a happy birthday, and I can't do anything illegal in the future.

40. It only takes two steps to make a girl crazy: the first step is to take pictures of her; Step two, don't let her see the photos.

2020 Ren Lei funny classic quotations released.

The latest release of 20xx absurd classic quotations

1, pigs have pig ideas, and people have people's ideas. If a pig has a human brain, it is not a pig-it is Bajie!

God, did you share a room in summer and winter? Give birth to this damn weather!

3, vulnerabilities and patches Qi Fei, blue screen * * * crash discoloration!

It is normal to eat the iron wire for washing the pot for breakfast, which just shows that our logistics comes in strict accordance with the order of washing the pot first and then cooking. ...

5. Women have countless QQ numbers just to flirt with a man. Men often use a QQ number to fill in all kinds of women. ...

6. Don't hang yourself from a tree. Try to die several times in a few trees ...-If you die, you will die completely!

7, a temporary impulse, the crisis of future generations!

8. The early bird catches the worm, and the early worm is eaten by the bird!

9. Argue with MM about whether a whale is a fish. Finally, I said that "the Japanese also bring a message", and she agreed that whales are not fish.

10, the iron pestle can be ground into needles, and the wooden pestle can only be ground into toothpicks. The material is wrong, and it's no use trying again.

1 1. If the answer was a virtue, I would have become a saint.

12, life can't be like cooking. You can't cook until all the ingredients are ready.

13, I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually streaked in Too Many Cooks for 20 years!

14, wear other people's shoes, go your own way, and let them take a taxi to find it.

15, according to the pig's aesthetic, I am basically a handsome guy.

16, don't fall asleep in class, just bury your drunkenness on the wine table.

17, after seeing me, you will suddenly find that handsome can be so single-minded!

18, since both prostitutes claim to be graduates of famous universities, I now generally claim to be illiterate!

19, log off at midnight on time, or the princess will turn back into Cinderella.

20, have a big milk name and enjoy the treatment of mistresses!

2 1, it's raining. Don't forget to bring an umbrella. If you are wet, gonorrhea will be in trouble!

22. I am an animal when I take off my clothes, and I am the devil wears Prada when I put on my clothes!

23, since I became a bubble excrement, no one dared to step on my head again.

Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face. ...

25. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

Getting married on August 8, 2008 is a good idea.

27, really creative, really have the courage to live!

28. The species of animals are decreasing, but the species of people are increasing?

29. You can live like a pig, but you can never be as happy as a pig!

As long as the sunrise appears before sunset, as long as the class arrives before the class.

3 1, people always make mistakes, otherwise the right road is crowded.

32, when the hardware can also be copied.

Drink only pure water when drinking water and pure milk when drinking milk, so it's very simple. ...

In order to cooperate with the successful completion of family planning work in China this year, I decided not to contact friends of the opposite sex for the time being. Thank you for your cooperation.

35, no money, no power, no longer good to you, can you follow me?

36. Buying a computer without broadband is like being a monk without eating.

37. I won't bend over if there is a pie in the sky, because I won't even lose money if there is a pie in the sky.

38. Buy me 10 cigarettes, why don't you go to a nightclub?

39. If I want to sweep the floor, I will never wash the dishes. If I want to wash the dishes, I will never sweep the floor. Both? You think I'm an alien!

40. It is better to lie in bed and sleep while watching TV.

4 1, give me a fulcrum, and I'll put my neighbor's car in the ditch so that he won't honk when he sees me.

42. None of the women who participated in the beauty pageant can find a good man, because all the good men are married, such as me.

43. If the leader doesn't give me a raise next month, I will resign. Give him two more Chinese before resigning and kill him.

44. If pigs can fly, who will buy a plane? Ride a pig to heaven.

45. I can't find my tie again Didn't you find a rag yesterday?

46, in Egypt, a man can marry four wives, how tired ah, or China.

47. You also made me kneel on the washboard, and I can't stand the electric heating!

Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.

49. I definitely don't feel a catty of white wine, because I died after drinking half a catty.

50. Reading newspapers in the toilet is equivalent to wiping your ass after defecation, which is a process, otherwise it is not called completion.

5 1. If the son is disobedient, he can fight appropriately, otherwise he will not show his majesty. This is the case in Taiwan Province Province.

52. For my mother's birthday, it is better to send two bundles of bones to cook, at least as a snack.

53. I won't meet netizens unless the country changes monogamy.

54. I will still look for you in my next life, because besides me, you are the stupidest.

55. Don't blame the dog for following a steamed stuffed bun!

56. Occasionally, if you live in silence, you will feel great, but if you live in silence, you will be miserable. ...

57. When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

58. Men fantasize about me and I fantasize about heaven.

59. When I was dizzy, I finally understood what love was.

60. Grandpa comes from his grandson ...