Jokes that can bring tears of laughter

1. A priest was playing golf, and a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, missed!" He hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD. , missed again!” The nun said, “As a priest, God will punish you for swearing.” As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I missed the shot too!"

2. The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God about their respective football teams. Only when will it be possible to win the World Cup? God said: South Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. God said again: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. The Chinese coach quickly asked: Where are we? God cried loudly: I can’t see him anymore.

3. When I was a kid, I was dishonest about eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: "Sixty years of hard work, no food, and I never throw away the boogers I picked out~~~~ ~~~~~~~~”

4. The eldest and second child were on a plane, and the second child got airsick and kept vomiting. One bag was full, so the boss had to go get it. When he came back, he found that everyone on the plane was vomiting. The eldest son asked the reason and the second son said: "I saw that this bag was also full of vomiting, so I had to drink half of the bag, and they all vomited."

5. There is a family... The whole family is very lazy...

Dad asks mom to do housework. If mom doesn't want to do it, she asks her eldest sister to do it. If eldest sister doesn't want to do it, she asks her younger sister to do it...

But my younger sister also does it. If you don’t want to do something, just ask the puppy to do it...

One day a guest came to the house...and found the puppy doing housework...

I was surprised..asked the puppy Said: "Puppy...you know how to do housework...?!"

The puppy said: "There is no way...they don't do it, so they ask me to do it..."

The guest was even more surprised...: "You can talk...!!!!"

Puppy: "Shh! Be quiet...otherwise they know I can talk...and bark." I'll answer the phone...!!"

6.. Lele ran to the zoo one day to feed the monkeys... and threw peanuts to the monkeys... But there was a monkey who would stuff peanuts into his butt first every time... Then he took it out to eat... Lele felt disgusted and ran to ask the director... why did the monkey behave in such a strange way... The director explained: Because

Last year a man lost a big I gave him a peach... but it turned out that the big peach could not be excreted smoothly from the buttocks... He suffered miserably... So now he must put the food into his butt and measure it to make sure it can be pulled out before he dares to eat...

7. One day someone discovered that his cell phone was missing and searched his bag and every corner of the house to no avail. Then he fell to the ground depressed, took out his mobile phone from his pocket, and sent a group text message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone...

8. One day, the rabbit and the black bear were pooping.

The black bear I asked the rabbit: Rabbit, what should I do if my fur gets stained with poop?

The rabbit looked very indifferent and replied: What does it matter? I don’t care~

As a result, The black bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped the poop...

9. (1) A colleague went on a business trip. The local colleagues were warm and hospitable, and they held a banquet in a private room of a special hotel that night. More than a dozen men and women sat down and chatted non-stop. Only one person was ordering food. After ordering, everyone is asked for their opinions: "The dishes are ordered, is there anything you want to add?" In this case, we in Beijing usually ask the lady to tell the names of the dishes that have been ordered. So a friend from Beijing said, "Miss, please report me." The lady glanced at him but made no move. "Miss, please report me!" The brother was a little anxious. The young lady's face turned red, but she still didn't move. "What's the matter? Do you want me to report that I didn't hear you?" My brother was really anxious.

A female colleague quickly smoothed things over: "Miss, please report everyone one by one, ah?" The lady mumbled and asked: "Then, then... can I just hug the female and not the male?" ""puff! "A female colleague next to me just drank a big sip of tea and sprayed it all over the people in front of me. More than a dozen people laughed together, and the lady was even more at a loss.

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(2) The dish was served, first a large plate of mixed noodles, followed by several plates of ingredients, sauces, etc. The lady did not pay attention to a drop of sauce when serving. The juice spilled on one of the guys’ pants. The guy also wanted to tease me, so he pretended to be gloomy and asked the lady, “What should I do? "

The lady said calmly: "You can do whatever you want. ”

“Then what do you think we should do?” ”

“You can do whatever you want?” "

"Then what do you usually do here? ”

“How about I help you?” ”

“Okay. ”

I saw the young lady quickly pouring several plates of ingredients and sauces onto the lapier, holding chopsticks in one hand and a spoon in the other, brushing them a few times and mixing them. Then she said The buddy said: "Sir, it's mixed and ready to eat. "The guy stared at the plate and said nothing for a long time. Another colleague said "thank you" to the lady for him.

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(3) The main course is served - roasted lamb leg, a large plate of meat Bones, a plate of salt and pepper. A fellow from Beijing liked this very much. He grabbed a leg of lamb and took a big bite. When the lady saw it, she said, "Sir, this is it." Eat it with dipping. "The buddy looked at the lady suspiciously, and then at the local colleague. The local colleague said: "It tastes better when dipped. "The buddy then stood up with the leg of lamb and took another bite. The lady came over quickly and asked: "Sir, do you need anything? ""ah? No. "Then please sit down and eat." "The buddy muttered and sat down, looking at everyone, feeling lost. He carefully brought the leg of lamb to his mouth and carefully took a bite. The lady added: "Sir, this should be eaten with dipping. "The buddy suddenly stood up, waved the leg of lamb and shouted angrily: "You have to eat standing up, and you have to eat sitting down, how on earth are you going to eat! ? ”

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(4) The banquet was full, and the leader stumbled over. Everyone stood up to greet him. The lady serving the banquet next to him was very beautiful. She was new and inexperienced, so everyone sat down. , someone greeted: “Miss, tea! The lady hurriedly stepped forward and pointed with her finger: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, ***seven!" Everyone laughed, and the leader added: "Pour some tea!" The lady hurriedly checked again: "7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, still seven." Someone asked: "What are you counting?" The young lady hesitated for a moment and replied in a low voice: "I am a dog." Everyone was angry and shouted: "Call your manager!" "The manager came in, lowered his hands and sneered, and asked: "Everyone, what do you want to tell me? "The leader said: "Don't ask too much, go check this young lady's age and zodiac sign. The manager was puzzled, followed his orders, and quickly replied: "18 years old, born in the year of dog!" "The leader laughed, and everyone laughed. The leader was too generous to hold accountable, but everyone was too generous to hold accountable. The lady and the manager were as if they had fallen into the clouds.

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(5) After thirty years of drinking, a dish was served: “Stewed Bastard! "Everyone was happy, but they did not forget the rules. Someone used chopsticks to poke the king's head and said: "The leader moves, the leader moves! "The leader looked at the turtle's head that was shaking wildly. He felt unhappy in his heart. He didn't want to harmonize the end of his words and didn't want to violate everyone's good wishes. So he took a spoon and sipped the soup and said: "Okay, okay! Please feel free to do so.

Another person said: "Yes - you bastard should drink soup!" The leader was so angry that he almost spit out his rice. Soon, when the soup was almost gone, something round appeared and asked: "Miss, what is this?" The young lady hurriedly replied: "It's a bastard." Everyone was surprised again: "The leader eats first, the leader eats first!" "The leader did not hear the "unlucky" words. He was very happy and called the lady: "Give everyone a share! "For a long time, the lady didn't move, and the leader asked angrily: "Why, can't you tell the difference? The young lady said in embarrassment: "Seven people, six bastards, how do you want me to divide them?" "After hearing this, everyone stretched their necks and stared. Their mouths were full of delicious food, which was hard to swallow.

10. Once upon a time, a man named Shuang died.

His family members cried sadly. Said: It's so cool...Ah! ...It's so cool...Ah...It's so cool...

When passersby saw it, they asked you why you were so happy.

They said: It's so cool...

11. Missing Person

When Chu Yang was in elementary school, he only had one pair of underpants. His classmates often laughed at him. In order to prove that he had many underpants, Chu Yang went through the cabinet. His father's pants were too big and others wouldn't believe it, but his sister's pants were just right, so he secretly hid his sister's pants in his schoolbag and took them to school and showed them off in front of other students. After school, Chu Yang thought to himself: My father, mother and sister would definitely beat me, so I hid him in a cement pipe on the roadside for a few days. My parents were very anxious when they saw that Chu Yangxiang had not come home for a few days, so they wrote in the newspaper. A missing person notice was posted online:

“Come back! Your dad decided to make his pants smaller! "

"Come back! Your sister can't go to school without pants! "

12. A county magistrate with a heavy accent came to the village to make a report:

"Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

(Translation: Comrades and villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, the meeting is now!!)

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Pickles, please Sausage pickles! "

(Translation: Let the township chief speak now!)

The township chief said: "Rabbits, the dog has eaten today's meal, everyone is a big bastard! "

(Translation: Comrades, today's meal is enough, let's all use big bowls!)

"No pickles, I'll pick up some dog poop for you to lick. . . . "

(Translation: Don't talk, I'll tell you a story...)

Taoyuan dialect is very peculiar, with a high ending sound, such as "bureau", which is pronounced as "Pig".

First, I went to the Propaganda Department of the County Party Committee and contacted the Personnel Bureau for an interview. The person from the Propaganda Department called me to make an appointment.

The Propaganda Department said: "Hello. , are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau)"

The other party: "No, you made a mistake. I am not a human but a pig (Personnel Bureau), and my mother is a pig (Grain Bureau). "

I tried so hard to hold back my laughter that my stomach hurt.

The next day I attended a county government briefing. Roll call was made before the meeting.

Moderator : "Which units have arrived? "

So the participants announced their homes one by one:

"I am a male castrate (Public Security Bureau). "

"My name is Rouzhu (Education Bureau). "

"I'm a bit of a pig (Post Office). "

"I am a typical pig (telecommunications bureau)