Coffin shop owner joke

This is an uneasy era, with territorial division, political chaos and social unrest. But Lu An said, this is also a brilliant era, an era of morbid attachment to beauty, an era of freedom. Because of the turmoil, it is free. I haven't understood this causal relationship yet, but I know another causal relationship. I know that many people died because of the unrest; Because too many people died, there were so many extra funerals; We are very busy because the funeral is extra. "We" refers to me and Lv An, I am Lv An's fiancee, and Lv An is a famous coffin shop owner. Lv An is famous not only for his unique coffin shape, but also for his handsome appearance, which is "charming" in Ji Kang's words. I remember a few days ago, many celebrities came to Lv 'an for beauty tips. Lv An was really tired of listening to it, and casually perfunctory "Five Stone Powder". So Wu San immediately became popular, and celebrity food became popular. After eating Wushi powder, you have to walk quickly to distribute medicine, so you can often see "separated" celebrities on the street. If a celebrity doesn't "leave", everyone will definitely despise him. Even some people who can't afford five stone powder are panting and pretend to "go away" to save face. Later, it was discovered that Wushisan was poisonous. Some celebrities who eat too much become grumpy and often chase a fly around the street with a sword-because this fly disturbs his good dreams. I occasionally complain that Lu An's words are too irresponsible. Liu An simply said, "It is a blessing to be crazy in this world. You count, who is not crazy? " So I started counting, and sure enough, few people I know are not crazy. Ji Kang, for example, is at least the "Seven Sages of Bamboo Forest". There was once an official who worshipped the doctor, but he just liked to strike while the iron was hot and didn't receive any money. Some people can take whatever they like. That Liu Ling is even more outrageous. She often drinks at home naked. When she was seen, she plausibly said that she was not naked, but that she bumped into his crotch. Besides, General Si Mazhao has more power than the emperor, and even likes "rat trail". It is said that when he was a general in Fujun, he refused to let others clean the dust on his bed for several months just to see the new rat paw prints left on it. Even these famous generals are crazy, and ordinary people are embarrassed not to be crazy. That's what I love about Lu An, who often speaks lightly. For example, he said that "seven sages in the bamboo forest" is actually "seven leisure in the bamboo forest", which I think is very reasonable. He seems to be relaxed about everything. For example, the name means that he calls everyone by his first name and asks everyone to call him by his first name, including me. Because of this, Lu An is deeply loved by Ji Kang and other "idle people" and thinks that his thought is "nonsense". In fact, I don't quite understand the meaning of "making it clear", which is probably "pretending to be pure and refined". Most celebrities are "clear". For example, when ordinary people visit celebrities, they must say a few words first, just like code words. Fortunately, you are right. If you are wrong, celebrities will definitely refuse to see you, despise you for nothing, and make you feel particularly retarded. Ji Kang and Liu Ling are both representatives of desire, but Lv An is definitely not. If he talks, our coffin shop will close. Lv An really saw through everything and also saw through "talking". He is only interested in two things, namely the funeral and gazing at me affectionately. Because he dotes on me, he regards me as his darling. Whenever other men praise me as a dust fairy, he will show great satisfaction. Because he likes funerals, he runs this coffin shop as an interest. Every time there is a funeral, he looks cheerful and shows great enthusiasm for the dead. 2. Luan is very creative in the coffin business, not only in the shape of the coffin, but also in other things, such as buying a coffin with funeral service. Let's take the reconciliation a few years ago as an example. He is also a first-class celebrity. He booked a coffin and funeral here before he died. He asked us to make the coffin look like a sculpture of a woman. When he died, we would dive into such a coffin as if it were wrapped in a woman's skin. His request for a funeral is also extremely strange. He doesn't want everyone to wear hemp Dai Xiao, but to wear red and green clothes and see him off in his most beautiful posture. This seven-foot man has an obsession with beauty that is close to abnormal. He liked to dress up as a man when he was alive, and he was even more straightforward after he died. He simply put on a woman's skin and slept for a thousand years. I was deeply impressed by him, because he always looked at me and said, "Green Pearl, you are so beautiful." If others say that, I will definitely say that he is a disciple, but words are not the same. The eyes are clear and the tone is sincere, so pure and flawless praise can be used for a lifetime as long as you get one sentence. At this time, Ji Kang said the same thing proudly and gracefully with an iron cone. He said, Lvzhu, you are so beautiful. When he said this, he was as clear and sincere as Yanhe, but he was more enthusiastic than Yanhe. I looked at Lv An blankly. Lv An looked at Ji Kang and just laughed. He smiled and said, "Ji Kang, I can see that you like green beads." So I'm more anxious. I took Ji Kang's iron cone and gave him some money. Celebrities have to live. Drink and dress all day, but look down on powerful people and refuse to be an official. Do they really live by drinking northwest wind? "Celebrity" is a burden and a shackle. Ji Kang is a famous man, so he said that he was just a hobby and that he could take it as long as his neighbors liked it. In fact, he didn't want to exchange his iron for some money. Only in this way can he become a blacksmith instead of a "celebrity". Celebrity while iron is hot and blacksmith while iron is hot are two completely different concepts. It's always like this. Every time Ji Kang was too proud to accept it, he left, and then I sent a servant to deliver the money to his house, and it was over. The style of celebrities has always been so complicated. This time, if it weren't for Dan Tao's spoiler, the situation would be the same. But Dan Tao came. Dan Tao is also one of the "seven leisure in bamboo forest", but he hasn't been idle recently. He works for General Sima. What he wants to do most is to lobby Ji Kang, a famous person, to become the staff of General Sima. Everyone knows that General Sima wants to change the dynasty and become emperor himself. Ji Kang naturally knows that, so he refused. So the two of them pandered in the coffin shop and said something that sounded mysterious but actually meaningless. I was so angry that I interrupted him with a smile: "Mr. Dan Tao works for General Sima. I don't know if I have seen him really searching for rat tracks all day? " Dan Tao paused for a moment, looked at me with his mouth half open, swallowed, and only said two words: "It's beautiful." After saying his word, Ji Kang was already in front of me and said angrily, "Lvzhu, don't laugh at everyone!" Then he scolded Dan Tao and wrote a dear John letter with Dan Tao on the spot. That night, I avoided Lu An's gaze and asked timidly, "Aren't you angry that others covet my beauty?" Lv Xiaoan: "Why should I be angry when others praise my wife?" I whispered, "Ji Kang will be angry!" Lv An stopped laughing and said nothing, stuffy head, grinding the coffin all night. I have no reason to doubt Luan's love for me. A woman like me, who has no name, no surname and no life background, was born in such troubled times, and at best she is a senior pet mixed with men. But Lv An wanted me and didn't treat me as a pet. He loves me, so he respects me. He wants to get married legally. He won't let me be wronged. However, Lv An never touched me, just stared affectionately and took care of me in every possible way. His love is like a cup of boiled water, eternal and insipid. Of course, "bland and tasteless" is what I realized recently, because of contrast and Ji Kang. Ji Kang has a halo of "celebrity" on his head. He can be aboveboard and unscrupulous. After breaking up with Dan Tao that day, he always sat at the door of the coffin shop every morning, put on the guqin, and leisurely stroked a song of Guangling San, which attracted countless disciples to cry. Ji Kang said, "Lv An, I can't live without the green beads for a day, just as I can't refuse to accept five stones." Lu An said: "Wushisan is poisonous." Ji Kang said: "Poison is also recognized." So Lu An smiled again: "Why don't I give you the green ball?" I don't want Ji Kang to get angry at once: "Do you use the green beads as coffin iron? Can green beads be allowed? Besides, I have a family, and I can't wronged Lvzhu. " Lv An didn't speak, but he still smiled and played with the coffin. It was a very ordinary and traditional coffin, with no special shape, but Lv An played very hard, polished and painted over and over again. Once I asked him carefully, "Are you serious when you said you would send me to Ji Kang?" Lv An looked up with complicated eyes: "If you shake your head, it's a joke; If you nod, it's serious. " "That is to say, it depends on what I mean. You don't care, do you? " I whispered. Lu An was shocked and stood up gently: "I have only two wishes in my life. One wish is to make you happy and the other wish is to make you happy. Even if I die, I will make you happy. " "Do you want to die so much?" "yes." Lv An didn't laugh this time. He turned his back and sighed, "Do you know why people find living interesting?" "Why?" "Because everyone knows that he will die sooner or later. I know my time to live is limited, so I want to get more and experience more in this limited time. If a person has an immortal body, he will not feel the happiness of living, because in the face of eternal time, everything in the world becomes unquestionable. " Lv An is infinitely lonely. "So, you mean, you are immortal?" I'm surprised. No wonder he looks so handsome all the time. "Yes, it isn't." He turned around and gently picked me up. "If you leave me, I will die." This is the first time he has hugged me. This is the first time he has expressed his love to me so openly. I smiled sweetly: "I won't leave you." If I had known this was the first and last time, I wouldn't have laughed. I heard that Zhong Zhong, a nouveau riche around General Sima, was coming to visit Ji Kang, but he didn't pick up Ji Kang's signal and left angrily. I heard that Zhong will hold a grudge. I heard that Zhong Hui read Ji Kang's dear John letter to Dan Tao. I heard that there was a sentence in the dear John letter called "Not Tang Wu, but Thin Kong Zhou". I heard that Zhong Hui caught this sentence and reported it to General Sima. I heard that General Sima was very angry. Si Mazhao's heart is well known. General Sima advocated Confucius because Confucius advocated Yao Shun's abdication. Sima Jia deliberately planned to force the emperor to give him the throne. Actually, it's a good idea. Today's emperor's throne comes from the first emperor, and Sima's family just followed suit. A celebrity like Ji Kang, such a high-profile "thin hole", will inevitably be followed by many people, which will make Sima's family a little at a loss and lose face. It happened that at this time, Ji Kang wrote an article "On Governing Cai" to rehabilitate Cai Shu, saying that they were loyal to the royal family because they saw that the Duke of Zhou was not good to the royal family and was killed by the Duke of Zhou. This argument hit the gun again. At that time, Sima Jia was comparing himself with Duke Zhou. Doesn't he mean that Sima Jia wants to usurp the throne? ! Although the Sima family did usurp the throne, they were noble and arrogant, and they must be famous under the banner of Duke Zhou and Confucius. You must strip people of their clothes and hang them in the market. They don't like Liu Ling streaking. Can people not hate you? So everyone rumored that Ji Kang estimated that something had happened. However, Ji Kang is still like a person who has nothing to worry about. He holds the piano every day and sings to the coffin shop with admiration. He often sits on the coffin with a wine bottle and paints for me, or runs to the bamboo forest like a madman to pick fresh bamboo leaves and poles and weave beautiful and unique jewelry for me. He said: "Although these jewels are not more expensive than gold and silver jewels, they are unique in this world, and you are unique in this world." After hearing this, I couldn't help asking Lu An at night: "Do you say that I am unique in this world?" Lv An said yes, it is unique and unprecedented. However, Lu An's words are very serious. Ji Kang's words are not as good as his words, and Ji Kang's words are not as good as his enthusiasm. Unwilling, I continued to ask, "Aren't you afraid Ji Kang will take me away?" Lv An looked at me: "Many things are doomed, and it is useless to be afraid." I am dim: "Lv An, you have no passion." Lu An sighed, "I just have no passion." "What do you mean? ! "The first time I was angry with Luan. "That's what it means." "What does this mean?" I am firm. "That's what it means!" Lv An didn't fool me for the first time. That night, I was lying in bed alone, wiping my tears, and the coffin that Lv An played all night was still the same coffin. 5. After the quarrel that night, Lv An and I had a knot in one's heart, and our life was very embarrassing. Fortunately, Ji Kang, heartless, didn't notice this, and even if he did, he wouldn't care. He is still bored in the coffin shop every day and is our frequent visitor. Ji Kang has some celebrity effects, and the coffin shop business is getting more and more popular. Many people come here to book coffins and funerals, and he has become a living sign here. It is also because of Ji Kang that the funerals we undertake are more and more varied and even full of farce. In fact, many years ago, everyone attached great importance to filial piety. Later, it was probably the grandchildren of the emperor who produced an able man named Cao Cao. Cao Cao said that only with talent can unfilial and immoral things be put aside, and only with talent can you be a big official. So people began to care less about it. But now the Sima family wants the emperor to "abdicate", and they can't slap themselves on the side of "loyalty to the monarch", so they have to punish those who are unfilial under the banner of "filial piety". Many celebrities are planted in the word "filial piety". Of course, destiny takes a hand, our coffin shop also won the lottery-the funeral was grand, and it was really indecent of you to turn it into a circus. Sima Jia may not dare to act rashly against Ji Kang considering the celebrity effect, but Lu An is not a "clean celebrity" and can act rashly. Lv An was arrested. When Lu An was arrested, he looked very happy. He even happily rewarded the officers and men who arrested him with a large sum of money. He said, "Lvzhu, I'm leaving you." I said, "I'll wait for you." He said, "You can wait for me, but I can't." I said, "Don't be silly." He said, "I didn't say anything stupid. It's true. I said, I will die without you. " I was in tears: "Fool, our family is so rich, can't we buy your life?" Don't be afraid, Lvzhu will save you. You must wait. He said, "Lvzhu, have I ever told you that I love you?" "I said," you don't have to say these disgusting words. I know you love me. " He said, "No, I want to say it. In fact, I have told you these words countless times. You didn't hear them, but you forgot them when you heard them. "I cry, just cry. Lv An added: "Do you know Lv Zhu? I didn't lie to those celebrities. Wu Shisan can really keep people young forever. " I cried, "I know, I know, I know you're not lying. Don't be nervous, I will raise money to manage the government. " Lv An wiped my tears and smiled: "No need. I said, if I leave you, I will die, even if I leave for half an hour. Because you are Wushisan, as I said, Wushisan is poisonous. Samurai III can keep people young forever, but once you take it, you can't leave. Wushisan is poisonous. " I comforted him: "Don't talk nonsense." He shook his head and shook off a pile of five-stone powder: "Look, I have been eating five-stone powder. You are my biggest and most precious five-stone powder. I am telling the truth. You are the elixir I refined from the immortal stone, and you are the Five Stone Powder. Because of you, I have lived for hundreds of years, and I am tired of living. I love you, but I love Wu Shisan and I love myself. Sorry, I lied to you, I used you. " I was shocked: "You lied, why don't I remember?" "Are you cheating?" Lv An looked at me guiltily: "Because you have to refine it every 30 years, and every time you refine it, you will lose your memory, so you don't remember. Lvzhu, actually, I want you to live, so that I can live again and again ... I'm tired of this vicious circle. I have to live, in order to make you alive again and again, you live to make me young forever. You got it? This is a vicious circle. " I roared: "Luan, you are a liar, Luan, you are crazy." Lv Xiaoan: "I have long been crazy. The coffin I polished day and night was actually made for myself. The secret of refining Wushisan is in the coffin. In fact, even if the government doesn't arrest me, I will give you and the secret recipe to Ji Kang. Ji Kang is an honest, charming and passionate person. He will love you more than I do. "I hit him:" I don't believe it! " "Lv An sighed." You'll believe it soon. " After that, he resolutely followed the officers and men to leave. Come to think of it carefully, Lv An and I have always been inseparable. This is the first time he left me, so far away from me, as far as 1000 meters. Lv An was 0/000 meters away from me/kloc-and turned around and disappeared. I haven't heard from you since. Sima Jia said that Lv An was exiled. But I know that Lv An is dead. Died a thousand meters away. 6. The day after Lu An left, I will go to Lacrimosa every day. Ji Kang didn't persuade me or comfort me. He still weaves beautiful bamboo jewelry and still plays Guangling San. He said, "Green Pearl, I know that the more I comfort you, the more sad you are." I looked up, immersed in his caring eyes: "Ji Kang, you like me, don't you?" "yes. "He is aboveboard." Do you like Wushi powder? "I timidly asked if I didn't like it! "He is still aboveboard." Why? Don't you eat Wushisan every day? ""Wu Shi San was refreshed, ruddy and ecstatic when he first filmed it. Ji Kang said, "People want to be immortals when they are suffering. But the more I take it, the more I feel inseparable. In the end, this elixir became a bondage. " "Bound? ! "I muttered to myself, thinking of Lv An's words." I like freedom, both physically and mentally, and I don't like bondage. Therefore, I eat black stone powder every day, but I don't like it. " Ji Kang finished, and began to bow his head and stroke the piano. I smiled. He asked me what I was laughing at. I said, "These five stone heads are like love." "love? ! "Ji Kang is confused." So is love. When we first met, we were very excited, surprised and high, but after a long time, it became a bondage. Ji Kang, "I looked at him," have you ever been in love? "Ji Kang frowned slightly and didn't speak." Do you love me? ""love. "Ji Kang smiled." Love, but not possession. Possession becomes bondage, and there is no freedom. ""If I were five stone powder, I would be the secret of Lv An's eternal youth. Do you like me? " "Lvzhu, do you miss Lv An too much? Do you have a fever? "He stretched out his arm and touched my forehead." It's true! I'm not lying to you! "I opened the coffin, there is a trick. I handed it to Ji Kang without looking. Ji Kang opened it, took out a piece of silk cloth, looked at the refining secret recipe on it, and then sighed a long time: "Lvzhu, I can't afford to raise you. I said, I like freedom. " He resealed the kit, put it in the coffin, and then drifted away. Oh, I laughed, laughing loudly. Oh, Lv An, look, you won't want me, and neither will Ji Kang! Lv An, look, look ... 7. Ji Kang is so elusive. He obviously doesn't want me, but he still comes to the coffin shop every day; He obviously doesn't like Wu Shisan, but he takes more and more, and often takes it in front of me. I scolded him and let him go. If you don't want me, you leave. I shouted, "Go! I love Luan. Without Luan, I am a lifeless stone! "But Ji Kang is a celebrity and celebrities are thick-skinned. Ji Kang still came, and he still ate Wushi powder, and the more he ate, the more he ate. Not only that, but he also threatened that he was a friend of Lv An and the Seven Sages of Bamboo Forest. He could not sit idly by and let his friends be wronged, so he went to Dan Tao. He said to Dan Tao, you intercede for me, let Lv An go, and I will work for Sima Jia. Dan Tao said, didn't you break up with me? Ji Kang said that we can re-establish diplomatic relations after breaking up! Dan Tao smiled at once. He said, OK, you give me three heads. Without further ado, Ji Kang gave Dan Tao three Xiangtou. Unexpectedly, Dan Tao said coldly, "You are not Ji Kang. If Ji Kang is willing to work hard for Sima Jia and kowtow to Dan Tao, then this Ji Kang is definitely not Ji Kang. Even if it was before, it is not now. " Ji Kang was not angry either. He cocked his head for a moment and said, "You're right." So he went to find Zhong Hui again. Zhong Hui has also become a celebrity at the moment, an upstart celebrity. Since you are a celebrity, it is natural to check the code. Ji Kang was supposed to be right, but he was not right three times. Zhong Hui said indifferently, "You are right or wrong. Ji Kang is a celebrity, and celebrities don't need to sign a code to visit celebrities. Since you are willing to compromise the password with me, you are not a celebrity. Since he is not a celebrity, he is naturally not Ji Kang. Besides, even if the famous Ji Kangken tells me the secret code, there is no reason why he can't answer it. In short, you are not Ji Kang. " Ji Kang didn't laugh this time, but lost in thought. After a night of meditation, he suddenly came up to me with a red face, held my hand tightly and said excitedly, "Lv An, I finally understand what you often mean by dismissing!" You are the first innocent celebrity today! " I quickly withdrew my hand: "I am not Lu An." "I know you are not Lu An." He said, "Lvzhu, when Lv An comes back, you must convey to him what I just said intact." "Lv An won't come back ..." I hung my head to prevent the man who refused me from seeing tears. "I will." Ji Kang said, "You tell him that the so-called incorruptible celebrities are just a pile of smelly shit! My Ji Kang's name is shit! " He said that and turned away. I think Ji Kang may be really crazy. 8. Ji Kang is really crazy. He had the temerity to go to the government to excuse Lv An. He's crazy and unarmed. He argued in court, and he said frankly and confidently, "If Lu An is guilty, then I am also guilty, because I came up with those strange funerals!" " General Si Mazhao waited for this sentence. He smiled and said, "Ji Kang, you are really a talented person who can think of such a funeral that violates filial piety. "In this day and age, a gifted scholar like Ji Kang is unpopular. Therefore, Si Mazhao listed many charges on both sides. Ji Kang changed from innocence to guilt and from guilt to capital punishment. I didn't go on the day of Ji Kang's execution. I dare not go. I'm afraid I will cry. It is said that Ji Kang's death was spectacular. Before the execution, he also looked at the direction of the coffin shop and played Song Guangling San. People say this is a masterpiece. It is said that on the day of Ji Kang's execution, there were more than 3,000 disciples who saw him off. All of them were screaming in the sky, and the sound they made was also the tune of Guangling San. Ji Kang said at that time that this was the best funeral he had ever seen. It is said that Ji Kang left his son hundreds of family instructions, all of which warned future generations not to be "celebrities." Celebrities, like Wu XIII, are bound like love. Two of my most important people have died because of me, and I believe more and more that I am Wu Shisan and I am a poison. So I took all the five-stone powder left by Luangi with me and leaned in with a smile when I saw the dignitaries. Why does Wushisan only poison my good people and not these bad people? Poison, poison together, die together. Without Lv An and Ji Kang, I will eventually become a man's pet, so it is better to take the initiative to become a poisonous pet. I wandered among the powerful, spoiled, and then sold or robbed, a vicious circle. All the men who beat me come to no good end. They were either tempted by me to infect Wushisan, or they were killed because they refused to hand me over to someone more powerful. This makes me feel a little happy, as if to avenge Lu An and Ji Kang. I don't mind being a pet, because I'm not human, I'm just a poisonous stone. Without Luan, I am just an elixir and a dose of poisonous warrior powder. One day after a long time, when I was as tired of living as Lu An, I opened my kit. Lu An left Ji Kang a trick that Ji Kang didn't dare to take. Ji Kang, you can give Lvzhu the love she wants, but I can't. I know that Lvzhu will never leave me until she dies. In order to make Lvzhu happy and get the love she wants, I have been holding my heart to death. Please love the green pearl. Lvzhu was born with a strange system, so the man who took Wushisan must stay with her all the time, or she will die of cold invasion. Fortunately, you have the habit of taking Wushisan, otherwise I don't know how guilty I would be. Looking at the finished bag, I cried my eyes out. I thought of Lv An and Ji Kang who ate five stones in front. Yes, Lv An and Ji Kang are such open-minded people. When they say they love me, they really love me. But I told Lv An that you didn't say that you loved me like Ji Kang. But I told Ji Kang that without Lu An, I would be a lifeless stone. Lv Anning's death not only didn't make me unhappy; Ji Kangning died before I turned to stone. I'm poison! I'm poison! I left my disgusting man and the man who ate black stone three with childishness and childishness to verify that Lv An was lying in the kit. Facts have proved that Lv An didn't lie. Finally died of cold on the side of the road. At that time, everyone was very happy or pretended to be happy, because the throne was finally "ceded" to Sima's family. At that time, no one noticed that there was a body on the side of the road, like a beautiful stone. Beautiful poisonous stone. 9. We, in this era of chaos, freedom, beauty and transformation, have proved with our lives that Wushisan is toxic. All love is five scattered stones.