It's a pity that my girlfriend is in hospital. I didn't invite her to tell her a joke, but I can't think of any funny jokes at the moment.

1 Private Estherhazy excitedly reported to the lieutenant: "Report Lieutenant, I just found some enemies in the Woods." "It's really good!" The lieutenant praised, "Well, go and get those guys for me!" " ""yes, lieutenant! This bag is on me, and I'm going to leave at once. However, if you find someone running out of the Woods, don't shoot the person running in front! "

In an examination in an air force academy of a certain country, a question similar to "Please write down the number of air forces and aircraft in our air force in any year" appeared on the examination paper. A candidate quickly wrote on the test paper-"The number of air forces and planes in1898 is all zero." Faced with such an answer, the marking teacher hesitated for a long time, but in the end there was no place to tick, because the world's first plane came out as 1903.

Peter's stepmother was very cruel to him after his biological mother died. Although Peter is only eight years old, he is forced to do heavy work in the field. One day, Peter dug up a strange oil lamp in the field. "Great, it's a little old, but I guess it can still be used after washing?"

Peter took out a piece of cloth and began to wipe, wipe, wipe. Suddenly, an elf jumped out of the oil lamp. "Oh dear!" Peter was taken aback. "Please don't be afraid. I am a kind and omnipotent sleepy elf. I wake up once a thousand years. If someone happens to clean this lamp when I wake up, I can come out to play once. " "What a coincidence! If I hadn't polished this oil lamp just now, you would have slept for another thousand years? " "Yes, in order to thank you, I want to grant you three wishes."

"I think I will ..." "Wait a minute, I forgot to tell you that whatever you want, your fierce stepmother will get twice as much as you!" "Are you? Then, I see ... I want 500 thousand dollars. " "Ba Cuba Gu Gu." As soon as the spell of the sleepy elf fell, Peter appeared in front of him with a huge sum of money that he never dreamed of. "Remember, your fierce stepmother has got a million dollars, and your second wish ..." "I want a three-story villa." "Ba Cuba Gu Gu." A magnificent villa appeared in front of Peter. "Peter, your fierce stepmother already has a six-story villa, and you have another wish."

"Now, please scare me half to death."

The two players were silent in front of the board for five hours. They stared at every work with rapt attention.

Suddenly, a chess player said, "in principle, I am opposed to talking while playing chess, but now I want to ask." Who should take the next step? "

The four most common sentences of Friar Risha in The Journey to the West are: 1. Big brother ~! The master was taken away by the devil! 2. second brother ~! The master was taken away by the devil! 3. big brother ~! The second brother was taken away by the monster! 4. big brother ~! Master and second brother have been taken away by monsters!

A woman who was having a party asked her husband to run to the seaside with a bucket to pick up some snails. The reluctant husband promised his wife, but the husband accidentally fell asleep on the beach ... Four hours later, he woke up and exclaimed, "It's over! My wife's party! "

He immediately picked up the bucket and rushed home. Running too fast, he accidentally dropped the bucket when he got home, causing snails to crawl all over the door. At this point, his wife came out angrily, and he quickly looked back at the snail and said, "Come on! Brothers, we are almost there! "

On the beach, one man praised another man: "You have a good dog. It has been looking at your clothes for so long. "

Another man replied, "It's a pity, if only it were my dog. I waited for more than two hours, but I just didn't dare to take clothes. "

There are four people on the plane to Guam, namely the Prime Minister and the professor.

The priest and a student plus five drivers.

Unfortunately, the plane broke down while flying over the airport.

But there are only four parachutes on the plane.

First of all, the pilot grabbed a jump.

Then the prime minister said, I am the best person, so I can't die, so I jumped with one.

Then the professor said, I am the smartest person, and I must keep my useful body.

So I grabbed my parachute and jumped.

At this time, there is only one parachute left. What should we do?

The priest said to the students: I am close to heaven, so you can run away and leave me alone.

The pupil said: No, we still have two sets of parachutes! Because the smartest person just now

Jumped off with a schoolbag on his back. ....

Someone keeps a parrot. This bird is good at wrestling and has never been matched. One day, the man put a sparrow in a cage. The next day, the parrot was fine, but the sparrow's feathers were all bright. The man smiled and put a magpie in the cage. The next day, the parrot was fine, but the magpie's feathers were all bright. Others were amazed and full of praise. The man put an eagle in a cage to show it. The next day, the eagle died and the parrot's feathers were all bright. Immediately take out the parrot and ask, and the parrot replied, "This eagle is so powerful that it can't beat him with its arms!" " ! "

10 Bird lovers especially like parrots. One day, he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside. He decided to buy it because its fur was beautiful, so he shouted, "I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!" " Then someone bid: "I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!" "

The bird lover didn't want to give the parrot away, so he called 30 yuan ... but another voice seemed to be against him, and it didn't stop until the bird lover called to 200 yuan ... The man was very happy to buy a parrot, but it suddenly occurred to him: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot? So he took the birdcage and asked the boss, "boss ... can you talk?"

Then he heard the parrot shout, "Can't talk? ! ? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? ! ? ! "

1 1 There was a traffic accident at the intersection, and many people were watching. People who arrived one night wanted to see it, but they couldn't squeeze in. He used his quick wits and shouted, "get out of the way and let me in." I am the father of the injured. " People got out of the way, and the man came closer to see that it was an injured donkey lying on the ground. ...

12 Three white rabbits named Tutu A, Tutu B and Tutu C. One day, Tutu A and Tutu were at the door, and Tutu C was on the roof. A wolf found them and wanted to eat them, so he rushed in front of rabbit A (L stands for wolf, A stands for rabbit A, B stands for rabbit B, and C stands for rabbit C)-

Who are you?

A: Yes!

What?

a； What's on the roof?

What's your name?

Who am I? What's on the roof?

The wolf asked b again

Who are you?

B: who am I? (pointing to a)

Do you know him?

hum

l； who is it?

B: Yes.

What?

What's on the roof?

L: where is it?

Where am I?

Who?

Who is it (pointing to A)

How should I know?

B: Who are you looking for?

what

He is on the roof.

L: where is it?

B: It's me.

Who?

B: I'm nobody. who is it?

My god

Oh, my God, it's our father.

What, is it your father?

B: No!

I can't stand it anymore, shouting at the sky: Why?

Tu Tu ABC: Do you know our grandfather?

What?

No, why our grandfather?

L: why?

A: Yes!

What is this?

No, why?

Who?

A: Who am I?

Who are you?

Yes, who am I?

What?

AB: On the roof.

.........................................

Finally, the wolf committed suicide. .............................

13 On that day, Xiao Ming and Fan Xiao were dating ......................................................................................................................................................... to ride slowly! "Do you want to know what Xiao Ming said? Xiao Ming said, "Don't be afraid! Do the same thing with me! "Don't be afraid to close your eyes! Ha ~ ha ~ ha ~

14 An old man rides a motorcycle from Canada to the United States every day, which is strange to the border police.

One day, the policeman stopped the man and asked, "What's in that bag you carry every day?"

The old man said it was sand, but the police didn't believe it. See if this is real sand.

Then one day, the police checked the old man's bag again, and the result was still sand.

Finally, one day, the police couldn't stand it any longer.

He stopped the old man and said, "Tell me honestly, are you smuggling? I will never arrest you! " "

The old man said, "Yes!" The policeman continued to ask, "Then what are you smuggling?"

"Motorcycle! ……"

15 when the naughty baker heard his mother coming back, he rushed out of the room excitedly: "Mom, do you know how much toothpaste is contained in this toothpaste?" I don't know. "I just know that it can squeeze from the sofa to the door."

16 A man came to work with red eyes, and his colleague asked, "What's the matter?"

"I was walking in the street yesterday and a young lady's skirt was blown up by the wind. I kindly helped her pull it down, and she actually punched me in the left eye! "

"What about the right eye?"

"I thought she didn't like pulling down the skirt, so I helped her lift it up again."

17 mom: son, be a man with backbone. Why do you kneel for help just to borrow toys? Son: What does it matter? Then he would kneel down and beg me to pay back the money.

A bullfight has just ended. In this game, a famous matador was seriously injured. He has just been taken to the hospital, but when he left the hospital, he was covered with bandages.

"I must take revenge." The matador shouted at many admirers gathered in front of the hospital. Then he started walking along the street, and people followed him closely, wondering what he was going to do.

The matador walked into a pub, sat down at a table and said to the waiter, "Give me two roast beef, the more burnt the better."