Little jokes to make girls happy!

A college student was captured by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him: Where are you from? If you don’t tell me, I’ll electrocute you! A college student replied to his enemy and was electrocuted to death. He said: I am from TV University!

One day a drunk man took a taxi home after drinking, stopped a 110 patrol car, and shouted: Even if you earn one yuan per kilometer, there is no need to write in such big words! ! !

A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? Drunk man: I don’t know, I just arrived.

Someone It is said that a woman is like a book, so what kind of book is a fat woman like? [Bound volume]

A lunatic was lying on the bed singing, singing, turning over and continuing to sing. The doctor asked him: Just sing, why are you turning over? The lunatic said: Fool, after singing side A, of course I will sing side B!

Xiao Ming always sleeps during class, and the teacher criticizes him: Can you please stop sleeping! ? Xiao Ming replied: No, because I am a very poor student

There was a boy in the class who was known as a sissy. Once in art class, the teacher asked him to make a clay figurine. He shouted: I want to be a boy! My deskmate answered from the side: Alas, you finally figured it out.

A cool poem about falling in love in college: Loneliness, loneliness, if you don’t fall in love in loneliness, you will become abnormal in loneliness.

A man was about to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: My dear, don’t be impulsive, we still have a long way to go! After hearing this, the man jumped down. The policeman said: You really shouldn’t threaten him like this!

In the bus, a standing pregnant woman said to the man sitting next to her: Don’t you know I’m pregnant? The man said nervously: The child is not mine!

A fat lady often boasted about her good figure and insisted on complimenting her. Lao Zhai said: "It's too plump. How could you apply Feng Yun Dan to your waist!"

A couple gave birth to eight children, namely osmanthus, camellia, plum blossom, chrysanthemum, yellow flower, grass flower, wild flower, and the last one was called No Money Flower.

Your phone balance is insufficient, please follow the prompts to recharge: burn a hundred yuan note to ashes, open the back cover of the phone, pour the ashes and cover it again. Thank you for your cooperation.

One day, a rich man wanted to buy a car, but he was hesitant because the car dealership did not have an auspicious license plate number. The owner of the car dealership came over and said with a smile: "This license plate is good 00544 (let me try it). I guarantee that no one will dare to mess with it. It's not bad!"

The rich man was moved and bought the car immediately, but there was a car accident the next day. The rich man got out of the car angrily, thinking that you dared to hit this car, but when he got out of the car, he immediately became disappointed. After leaving, it turned out that the other party’s license plate was 44944 (just try it).

Answer: Cute Pink Piggy - Magic Apprentice Level 1 11-9 21:09

One day, a rich man wanted to buy a car, but he was worried that the car dealership did not have an auspicious license plate. Haozheng hesitated. The owner of the car dealership came over and said with a smile: "This license plate is good 00544 (let me try it). I guarantee that no one will dare to mess with it. It's not bad!"

The rich man was moved and bought the car immediately, but there was a car accident the next day. The rich man got out of the car angrily, thinking that you dared to hit this car, but when he got out of the car, he immediately became disappointed. After leaving, it turned out that the other party's license plate was 44944

Today, my boss asked me to delete all the CS in the Internet cafe. I worked hard all night. As for why CS should be deleted? In fact, the reason is this. Today's temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau has been reported before. I have been acting as a scavenger for several days, driving out all creatures under the age of 18 from the Internet cafe. So when we watched the police officers coming from a distance, my boss and I were not nervous at all. But it's a pity. When the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe happened to shout excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are coming! The police are in the dog hole! Come on, brothers! Kill them!" " All right. I admit that at that moment, not only the faces of the police officers turned green, but the boss and I also looked horribly green.

1. When I was a child, I was dishonest in eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: Sixty years of hard work, no food, and I never threw away the boogers I picked out.

2. There was a rich man looking for a servant. The interview topic was to use the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands after using the toilet. The rich man sent them away. Only one of them washed his hands, so the rich man stayed. But one day, the rich man found that he came out without washing his hands. The rich man asked him why? The servant replied: "I brought toilet paper today..."

3. A man saw There was a big sale in a store, so I walked in. "What are you buying?" "I want to buy dog ??food." "We have regulations. You must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a regulation?" "This is what discounted goods are like." The man spent a long time with the salesperson. , the salesperson still refused to sell it to him. There was no other way, so the man had no choice but to go home and bring the dog with him, and then he bought dog food. A few days later, the man went to the store again to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have regulations. You must prove that you have a cat." It was the same salesperson. The man spent another long time with her, but in the end he had to go home and bring the cat over to buy cat food. A few days later, the man came to the store carrying a large cardboard box with a hole in it and found the salesperson. "What are you buying?" "You'll know when you put your hand in." The salesperson put his hand in: "What is it? It's sticky." "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

4. A man went to visit his grandmother with his friends. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friend started eating peanuts on the coffee table and finished them all. As they left, his friend said to Grandma, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Uh-huh! Ouch! Ever since I lost all my teeth, I can only suck the chocolate out of them. I'm old." , cough...

5. One time, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish, but the waiter told him that it was already sold. It’s over. “Is it really sold out? he asked disappointedly. "Sir, it's really sold out." You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. "The waiter replied. The man followed the waiter's instructions and saw a very respectable gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman had almost eaten his meal, but the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" was still full. The man He felt that the gentleman was wasting delicious food, so he walked up to the gentleman, pointed to the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" and asked politely: "Sir, do you want more of this?" "The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he was halfway through the meal, and suddenly he found a very small but full-furred one lying at the bottom of the casserole. A little mouse. Feeling sick, the man vomited all the vermicelli he had eaten back into the casserole. While he was turning his stomach, the gentleman looked at him with sympathy and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" I was like this just now..."

6. On this day, the hotel owner was patrolling the lobby. A beggar came up and said, "Can I give you a toothpick, boss?" "The boss sent him away. After a while, another beggar came, also asking for toothpicks. The boss thought, why did the beggar ask for toothpicks instead of rice? He also sent him away, not too old. Another beggar came. The boss said to him: "Are you here to ask for toothpicks too? The beggar said: "Someone vomited, but I was a step too late. The two beggars in front had already eaten everything I could eat, and now only the soup is left." Can you give me a straw?

7. The eldest and second child were on a plane. The second child got airsick and kept vomiting. One bag was full of vomit, so the boss had to go get it. When he came back, he found that everyone on the plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second child said: "I saw that this bag was also full of vomiting, so I had to drink half of the bag, and they all vomited."

8. If you see If you haven't vomited now, then I have to admit that you are a master, and then I will use a trick---

Nirvana-----

One day, the boss I went to the theater with my second son to watch a play, and saw the two of them arguing about the development of the plot, and they made a bet about it.

The boss pointed to the row of spittoons in front and said, "The loser has to take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, the boss lost, so he frowned and took a sip. The two then bet on the following plot, and this time, the second child lost. The second child picked up a spittoon and drank fifteen big gulps. The boss was shocked and looked down in admiration. He said to the second brother, "You are so amazing. You can drink fifteen gulps in a row!" The second boss shook his head and said, "It's not that I want to drink. The phlegm in that spittoon is too thick. I really don't want it." Keep biting! ”

One day I was surfing the Internet and after entering Baidu, I saw someone posting a message asking for a joke and saying that mixed scores are rubbish. I think I'm usually rubbish, so I went in, so I'm just here to make a few points. Thank you all for supporting me, thank you, thank you very much. Anyone who dares to copy me is also rubbish.

Answer: It is better to ask no questions than not to ask - Assistant Level 2 11-10 12:23

How to distinguish the authenticity of RMB?

Prepare 100 Yuan... Fold it in half and then fold it in half again, put it on the ground and step on it N times. Pick it up and see if the person on it has a nosebleed. If there is a nosebleed, it is real. If there is no nosebleed, it is fake.

A The county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!!"

(Translation: Comrades, villagers, please pay attention Come on! Don’t talk, it’s a meeting now! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Pick up the pickles and pickles!"

(Translation: Now please Speech! )

The township chief said: "Rabbits, the dog has eaten today's meal, we are all big bastards!"

(Translation: Comrades, today's meal is enough Yes, everyone has a big bowl!)

If you don’t want pickled melon, I will pick up some dog poop for you to lick. ． ．

(Translation: Don’t talk, let me tell you a story...)

First line: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I am waiting for your call back. Second line: Live for you, die for you, wait for you all my life. Hengpi: Sent to the wrong person.

During the Forest Games, kangaroos and monkeys were praised by the Lion King for their high jumps. The bear was criticized and said unconvinced: I will jump over this bridge tomorrow! Lion King: Look, you are still on the bridge like a bear (you are still looking at it!)

I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I have been very worried after hearing this. , I will send you a text message immediately. If you are still alive, please reply to me!

The world knows that you have great martial arts skills, but you can’t be proud. There is a sword among people, a person among swords, and people and swords become one. Once you achieve this, you are no longer a human, but a swordsman. ! Sword man! Sword man!

Look at you, you have an American head, a French waist, an Indian nose, and athlete’s foot. You are neither human nor ghost. You have only one head and two legs. Look at you, you are still reading text messages. Keep your mouth shut!

Under the red sun and blue sky, farmers wanted to watch a Category III movie and rushed into the cinema excitedly, shaking the sky with angry shouts. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said, "The person who read the text message is not a star, and we won't pay him if he beats him to death."

Are your palms itchy? That means I miss your caress; are your lips itchy? That means I miss your passionate kiss; are you itchy...that means you are so dirty, why don't you go take a shower!

You are as diligent as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a puppy, as well-behaved as a kitten, as honest as an old cow, and as powerful as a tiger. No wonder others call you...a beast. !

Who has no shit in life, and who does not use paper for defecation? If you don't use toilet paper, you must use your fingers!

It's just a gust of wind, but it's so eternal; it's just a dream, but it's so real; you lower your head and say nothing, but I can't calm down, and finally I can't help but say to you: "I'll say it first." "Sound!"

If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish cannot swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you... fools will not exist.

I can't eat in the morning because I miss you. I can't eat in the afternoon because I miss you even more. I can't eat in the evening because I miss you crazily. I can't sleep at night because I miss you so much. …………I’m hungry

I heard that your mobile phone does not have text messaging function, so I sent this text message as a test. If you receive a text message that is confirmed to have the SMS function and is mine, please reply: I have it, it’s yours!

One ring means I miss you; two rings means I miss you so much! Three times, I miss you very much! Four tones, I miss you very much; five tones - demo, it’s time to answer the phone!

I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting lonely, just so that one day when you walk by me, I will fall for you. If I can’t smash you, it will be in vain. alive.

The beggar took the monkey along the street to beg. He asked the monkey to laugh and it laughed, he asked the monkey to cry and it cried, he asked the monkey to bow and it bowed, and he asked the monkey to read text messages and it read text messages.

That day when you were participating in a football match, you shot a volley. Before the goalkeeper could react, the ball went in! We all applauded and cheered for you. You got up, patted your butt and said: Damn, the ground is too slippery!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly----Pig !

All the water tribes congratulated the old Dragon King on his birthday. During the dinner, Prime Minister Turtle took something out of his arms, looked at it, and then put it back. The Dragon King hurriedly asked: What's wrong with Prime Minister Turtle? The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: The old bastard received another text message.

I thought about you a lot last night, and after much thought, you were the coolest. I searched for you in my dreams a thousand times, and when I looked back, I found you chained deep in someone’s donkey shed. How cruel! cruel! Calm down after reading the message!

Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to find you. Can you pick me up at the station? But I'm afraid there are so many people that it's hard to recognize me. Make your head explode, hold a wooden stick in your right hand, and a porcelain bowl in your left hand to contact me. The secret code for the connection is: OK!

I dreamed of you. You made clothes out of white clouds, borrowed wings from a bird, stuck a broom behind your butt, and then flew to my side like a sword, telling me affectionately: You Do you know? This is what Birdman looks like.

I once thought there was a better one, but over and over again I realized that the best is right around me, just like you. At first, I didn't take it seriously when you appeared, but as time went by, I realized that you were the best... to bully!

I am determined to do 3 big things for the people of the country: 1. Repair elevators on Mount Everest 2. Lay ceramic tiles on the Great Wall 3. Install reverse gears on airplanes; 3. Small things: 1. Put on gloves for flies 2. Put on masks for mosquitoes 3 Feed you some pig feed.

You were traveling to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, and were attacked by a group of wild boars on the way. The tourists took out food and money, but the wild boars were unmoved. You took out your only ID card, and the group of pigs knelt down and cried bitterly: Boss, we have found you!

You are a very carefree person, and you often have fun with 9. 8 cannot have hundreds of millions of money at home. You have neglected 7 for many years. You are active all day long, looking for prey. 5 needs to ask more questions, and 4 nature If you don't change and still have two minds, you must not be a good person.

You are very creative. Living is your courage. Being ugly is not your original intention. Without you, who can bring out the beauty of the world!

After reading about the Three Kingdoms, Tiger went to catch wild boars. When he saw that there was no pig in the pig nest, he touched his beard and said: Empty city plan! When he turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap, he was shocked: a cruel trick! Suddenly I saw you again, and I was overjoyed: Oh, there is a beauty trap!

The toad pursued the swan, and the swan said disdainfully: If you had grown up like this, I would have died! The toad was dissatisfied: So the pig is still alive and well? The pig heard this and felt aggrieved: I provoked someone, I was just reading text messages!

There is a kind of longing called dreaming, there is a kind of love called growing old, there is a kind of beauty called beautiful appearance, there is a kind of promise called forever, there is a kind of greeting called hello little pig!

I don’t want to be alone, I also want to have someone. When I walk on the street, I see handsome men and beautiful women holding hands, but I hold my left hand and my right hand. I have nothing else to ask for now, I just want to go out with you. I'm leaving, but I'm afraid my friends will say: Don't always walk your dog when you have nothing to do.

During a military exercise, an artillery shell strayed far away. I was sent to check and found that the artillery shell exploded in the farmland. You stood there with ragged clothes and dark eyes. With tears in your eyes, you said to me: Steal a shell. Cabbage deserves to be bombarded!

I miss the days when we walked together, the spring was bright and the birds were singing and the flowers were fragrant. The folks all praise you for being so beautiful and cute. The folks also praised me for being so smart and capable, even at such a young age, I came out to herd pigs.

When you are personally empty and lonely, watermelon may be your best outlet. You can cut it, peel it, chop it, split it with a knife, and at the same time you can shout loudly: I will kill the melon, I kill the melon, I kill the melon!

1 The "New Queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the bathroom empty?"

2 The men's and women's bathhouses in the school share the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and met a school girl walking out in a sloppy state. The bookworm couldn't dodge and said hello: "Are there many people in there?"

3 Once I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us our food. After that, a beggar came up with a bowl and walked up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he was asking for money. My friend was chatting with me, and he thought it was the waiter who was bringing the food, but he didn't turn around, took the rice bowl from the beggar's hand, and put it in front of him. We were all stunned when we saw the beggar there and even wanted to cry (beat him to death

I never imagined that there would be people grabbing jobs)~~~