Communicate more and communicate less. I thought it was American.

Communicate more and communicate less. I thought it was American.

Two days ago, my boyfriend and I went shopping in the supermarket. As a result, I only wandered for more than ten minutes and my mobile phone was stolen. How did it happen?

I only brought a change bag that day and put my mobile phone in it. After entering the supermarket, my boyfriend took the trolley, so I put the change bag, shopping bag and umbrella together in the trolley, and then the two of them started shopping. We have just moved recently and need to buy some daily necessities such as paper towels, shampoo and storage boxes. When I selected a storage box and put it on the cart, I was surprised to find that the change bag was missing.

I asked my boyfriend: where is the change bag?

Boyfriend looked puzzled: What coin purse?

We sometimes play pranks and hide each other's things, so I thought my boyfriend was joking with me. In fact, he hid the change bag in his pocket. I looked at him and smiled and said, Stop pretending! Did you put it in your pocket?

Boyfriend is more confused: What? A change bag? No pockets?

I was in a hurry: I put it in the cart as soon as I entered the supermarket! You saw it! There is my mobile phone in it!

Boyfriend is also anxious: I didn't see you put it in at all!

He started calling my cell phone. It worked at first, but it was closed soon. Only then did we suddenly realize that the change bag and mobile phone were stolen just two or three minutes after we went shopping and didn't pay attention to the cart.

Later, we reported to the police, received the safety education of the police uncle about carrying valuables with us, and continued shopping. On the same day, I reissued my mobile phone card and bought a new Apple mobile phone (don't think that I deliberately lost my old mobile phone in order to buy Apple 6, in fact, my old mobile phone is still very new, and I will be depressed if I lose it)!

This incident made me notice that my boyfriend and I made a mistake in communication at that time, which is a mistake that many people will make in communication (have you noticed this mistake? If not, please look at our conversation again.

I share a case written by psychologist Satya, in his own book. Let's see if there are any similarities with my story.

Bill and Harriet are a young couple. Their 4-year-old daughter Alice attacked a man named Ted with hostility. He is a friend of Alice's parents' in college when he is a guest at home for the first time. Before Ted came to visit, the couple sent him a photo of Alice. When Ted saw Alice playing on the lawn, he approached her exaggeratedly and tried to pick her up. Alice responded to him by kicking, biting and screaming. The parents were embarrassed by their daughter's behavior and hit her hard. They even think that the child's aggressive behavior represents some kind of criminal tendency or psychological obstacle, and Ted is angry and hurt because of Alice's hostility.

The parents saw the truth clearly when Satya pointed out that Ted knew Alice, but Alice didn't know Ted. They showed Ted a picture of Alice, but Alice didn't see Ted's picture. Ted is a stranger to her. There have been some incidents of harassing children near their home, so the parents have made great efforts to teach their daughter how to resist if a strange man touches her. Bill even practiced with her. Alice treats Ted exactly as her parents taught her.

This case is rich in content and thought-provoking, especially for parents, who can learn how to correctly interpret their children's behavior.

When I saw this case, my first thought was: this parent was so stupid that he thought his old friend and his daughter would know each other; This old friend Ted is so stupid that he thinks he knows this child and this child knows himself.

However, many of us, many of my visitors, including myself as a psychological counselor, often make mistakes such as "I thought you knew" and "I thought you knew, but you …" in communication. For example, in the incident that my mobile phone was stolen, my boyfriend saw me put my mobile phone in the change bag and put it on the trolley, so I thought he would take care of my things. But in fact, although my boyfriend was with me, he didn't notice that I put my change bag on the cart. Besides, even if he sees it, it doesn't mean that he will know about my things, because I didn't say anything, and he will think that I will care about my things.

In consultation, many female visitors often complain about their boyfriends or husbands, and their expressions are mostly similar. For example, a tourist once said, "He knows I'm as busy as a bee in the kitchen, but he doesn't even want to set the table. He just stays in his room and watches videos online. " . I asked, "Do you think he really knows? Did you tell him that you are busy in the kitchen and need his help? " She replied, "No, I thought he knew. Is it necessary for me to say this?" Isn't that what he should do? "

However, when I ask more questions and more information comes out, I can confirm that this man really doesn't know that his wife is busy in the kitchen and needs his help when surfing the Internet. Because this man grew up doing less housework at home, let alone cooking. He doesn't know the hard work of cooking, and in recent years, he fell in love with his wife and got married. Her wife didn't ask him for help every time she cooked. His main task is to wait for food. If I were this man, I would naturally think that my wife is a good cook and can do anything in the kitchen without my help. The wife grew up in a family environment: she was still a child, and her father would take the initiative to help her mother with housework. So "her thoughts" and "his thoughts" are inconsistent, and contradictions and misunderstandings arise.

Whether in intimate relationship, parent-child relationship or general interpersonal relationship, if a person has too many "I think", it will often lead to frequent misunderstandings and contradictions in interpersonal relationships, and at the same time there will be more entanglements, grievances and resentment in his heart.

Recently, a female classmate complained to me that she was ill and her boyfriend didn't even care. I asked, did you tell him that you were ill? She said, no, but I have a fever and it's very hot. When we go out on a date, we have dinner together. I thought he knew! He should know! I'll go! Another "I thought" and "he should". Others are not worms in your stomach. How will he know if you don't tell him? Besides, you are dating your boyfriend with a high fever, and you don't want to tell him that you are not feeling well. Is this the rhythm of self-abuse?

In intimate relationships, it is often not that the other party is unwilling to meet our needs, such as our needs of being cared for, supported and cared for, but that the other party simply doesn't know that we have these needs. We live in our own thoughts and regard each other as ourselves, thinking that he knows our needs, but he is unwilling to meet us. So we have dissatisfaction and resentment, and the other party is both inexplicable and wronged.

In the process of leading group psychological growth activities, when a group member appears "I think", for example, he thinks that a group member doesn't like him because he told a joke and the other party didn't laugh, I will encourage him to check a message with the other party: When I told a joke and you didn't laugh, I think you don't like me. Is that so? The result is often not like this. The other party will be surprised to hear his expression, because the fact is that the other party has heard this joke before, or the other party has always been a person with a high laugh, or the other party is trapped in his own painful emotions and doesn't pay attention to his joke at all. ...

How to reduce the negative influence and destruction of the thinking mode of "I thought" or "I thought you knew, but you …" on the relationship?

It is very important to learn to think from each other's point of view. When we say "I thought you knew what you should do", put yourself in the other person's shoes and see if the other person really understands the situation as well as we think, and understands our needs as realistically as we think.

If it is to communicate with children and deal with some problems of children, parents should learn to kneel down and stand with them, that is, to stand in the child's position and look at the problem from their own point of view, just like the young couple in the previous story, teaching children to resist the harassment of strange men, but when children really do this, they punish them and can't see the problem on themselves.

Secondly, mutual inspection is also important and necessary. When we make all kinds of guesses about others on our own spiritual level: I think he hates me, I think he is alienating me, is he angry with me, and does he have any views on what I have done? It's best to communicate with each other in a frank way, further verify your guess, give each other a chance to express and explain the truth, and then you will find that many times everything is really just "I thought". This "I thought" made me very painful and unfair to others.

Misunderstanding between people is a normal state, and it is not easy to understand each other. Good interpersonal relationship depends on a person's correct understanding of the meaning of others. To improve the correct rate of understanding, we can communicate more and think less.