I want 50 humorous jokes.

1. The child has been crying. Dad asked him why, and the child said, "I'm hungry. . . "

Dad said, "Son, just say what you want to eat, even if it's chicken bone marrow, dad will cook it for you."

The child said, "I just want to eat." . . "

Dad scolded: "This naughty boy has nothing you want to eat."

Watching TV with my parents, I suddenly thought of a funny thing and laughed at myself.

Dad looked at me inexplicably and said to his mother, "Your daughter is out of her mind."

Mom immediately retorted: "Your daughter's brain is broken!"

3. "Dad, I solved this arithmetic problem nine times in a row and found nine answers."

"What a lovely child! Ok, try again and try to have ten answers. "

4. The little daughter asked her mother, "You said that man was created by God, but my father said that man was changed from an ape. Isn't this contradictory? "

The mother said to her daughter, "honey, there is no contradiction at all." Simply put, mother's family was created by God, while your father's family was transformed from apes. "

1, Da Li usually doesn't like smoking. During this lunch break, he hid in the corner and smoked stiffly. Colleagues felt very strange and asked, "Why do you smoke, Da Li?"

Dali's face turned red: "I can't help it. Who let this plum smoke have the same name as my wife? "

My colleague smiled and said, "I miss my wife."

Dali's face suddenly turned from red to blue: "What, since she dares to hit me and I'm not a vegetarian, I dare to slap her severely."

2. One day, Xiao Wang was watching TV with his wife. There is a report on TV: "According to the survey, 70% of men want to have an extramarital affair ..."

Xiao Wang quickly explained to his wife, "I am in the other 30%!" "

As soon as the voice fell, the TV continued to report: "Another 30% hope to have multiple extramarital affairs!"

3. "I can't stand it anymore. Why does this house always leak rain? " The tenant said to the landlord.

"It's interesting that you only pay so little rent. Do you still want to miss the champagne?"

The 4.5-year-old daughter doesn't understand why there is a scar on her mother's stomach. The mother explained to her daughter, "The doctor cut you and took you out."

The daughter thought about it and asked her mother seriously, "Then why did you eat me?"

One day, the mother asked her son, "Son, you said there are so many Internet cafes on the road now. What is this Internet cafe for? " The son didn't answer, just as the father heard it, he said to his mother, "I've lived so long that I didn't even know the turtle was swimming in the water. Four legs, commonly known as' old turtle'!"

1. I will have a son named "Hao Shuai" in the future, and others will say "Hao Shuai's father" when they see me.

2. Work, take a step back, fall in love, take a step back and take an empty step.

The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and get their wages.

4. Money is not a problem, but no money!

5. I am drunk and won't accept anyone, just hold the wall!

6. I am like a fly lying on the glass. I have a bright future, but I can't find a way out.

7. You know what, big brother? Second brother's meat is now more expensive than master's.

8. If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smart, then you should eat at least a pair of whales. ...

9. Clear water leads to no fish, while mean people lead invincible.

10. Youth is like toilet paper. It looks a lot, but it's not enough.

1 1. Friends around you, become famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well.

12. A female classmate is darker and her boyfriend is whiter. One day, the poisonous queen in the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this. You'll have zebras."

13. I always treat handsome guys and money like dirt, and they always treat me like this.

14. Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compare with you.

15. I am not a casual person. I am not a casual person.

16. God said there should be light, and I said I opposed it. From then on, the world was dark.

17. I am in a bad mood today. I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the first two. I quit.

18. To be a man, you must be a person who wanders between A Niu and Niu C.

19. My name is God, my name is Jesus, my English name is God, and my dharma name is Tathagata. ...

20. If you don't peel the bark, you will die. People are shameless and invincible in the world.

The headmaster and English teacher of 1 visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Sweat.

There is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around the ground with his eyes closed until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was really bored, he began to pull out his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but one day the cornfield caught fire and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand by the valley, shout what you want and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want. So the three of them decided to have a try.

The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " Next jump, there is really a beautiful woman waiting for him.

The second is a bookworm, shouting "Book Book Book Book Book Book!" Then, jump into the valley and get books full of pits and valleys.

The third kind is an indecisive person, who can't decide what he likes after thinking about it. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the valley and accidentally kicked a stone. He cursed "Shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

10 pandas love deer deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

One day Xiaoming was walking on the road! I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

12 which Chinese character is the coolest? Thong (cool)

The towel said to the coin, son. If you put on a doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times.

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

13 one day, a university teacher asked a student, there were ten birds in the tree, one was shot dead, how many were left?

The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "Will you just tell me how many birds are left?" Are there some deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Is there a flower in the bird photographer's eye? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be none left. " . The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

14 One day, someone passed by the intersection and found something super scary. He found Kakashi and the Monkey King laughing!

15 One night long ago, there were three shrimps in the pond. Ha ha ha, a female ghost farted to death.

16 a female alien engaged in biological research came to the earth. Turning around, she felt that there were many places worth learning about human genes, so she arrested a person and wanted to take him back with written information about human genes. But the ship is too small to take him away, and the information is too huge to take away at one time. Just when she was anxious, the computer help system of the spaceship said, "This man has a small stick, which can solve all your problems …" Then she suddenly realized and smiled and said to the drooling man. . . . . Give me the flash drive! " .

17 A trap was crossing the road and was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

18 Brother, stop touching it! You touched the top and the bottom, and your hair fell out. Such tender skin, you have touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, don't buy them!

19 once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said: I want to eat you! ! ! The lamb is frightened! Guess what happened? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and finally he died of cold.

2 1 Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road! The deer was frightened, ran faster and faster, and finally turned into a highway.

1 Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. As a result, he didn't know what he had become. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

2. Attention robbers: Our employees only know Spanish. Please be patient when grabbing, and you'd better bring an interpreter. Thank you!

I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed a hundred milliliters of lard.

Tourist: Master, is that hut over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets.

5. Without hair, dandruff is more prominent!

1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, so I called the hundred-dollar bill:

"ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "... cake."

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

4. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl fights hard and fights to the death.

After the failure, Panda Man said angrily, "We are all going extinct!" "

5. tortoise and rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ......

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ......

Then ..... the snail climbed up. ......

Soon ... the tortoise saw another ant ... and said to him, come up, too. ......

So the ants came up.

When the ant appeared ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him, hello.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. .......

6. A man and a woman are eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ......

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy, Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner! (This cow! )

7. Go to the snack street one day

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?

Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.

8. One day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."

The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

9. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water to curse:

"*-%#% what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"surprise! 」

1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said: I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow.

The cow said: I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly.

The pig said: People who fart will blush.

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, How many times have I told you, I was born blushing.

13 One day, a man met God. ......

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ......

God asked ......

Do you have any wishes? ......

The man thought about it. ......

I heard that cats have nine lives. ......

Then please give me nine lives. ......

God said, ......

Your wish has come true. ......

One day, the man was idle and bored. ......

If you want to say death, forget it. ......

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ......

As a result, a train passed by. ......

That man is still dead. ......

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ......

14, one day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ......

Confused, the funeral home manager asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?

The policeman said, it's ... it's a long story ... look at the man on the left ... he and his wife are in the spring night ... at the most passionate moment ... he can't stand death.

The administrator replied, alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... Being a ghost is also very romantic ... How did the middle one die?

Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... and the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan. ..

When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and died. ......

The administrator replied: Alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... What about the rest?

Policeman: ... it's a pity that this one died ... he was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.

The administrator replied: ... This is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ......

The policeman said, because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. ......

He thought ... someone was taking pictures of him. ......

15, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.

This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.