What changes will the identity change after having children bring to a family?

The first type is the shift of identity

In many families today, when a child is just born, a nanny is hired to help the pregnant woman take care of the child. A sister-in-law is hard to find, and the salary is certainly very high.

You don’t need to look at other people’s income. This job is very difficult. It’s not that the technology is complicated, but the identity is very embarrassing.

American psychology expert Winnicott described the situation of a mother who has just given birth to a child as a "normal situation of psychological distortion". Her term is very interesting and very impressive.

The reason why mothers are said to be "psychologically distorted" is because at this stage, a qualified mother will focus all her attention on her child, and everything around her seems to have nothing to do with her.

She was disgraced, confused between day and night, lost and restless. During the day, she would often laugh and talk to some sleeping god, and at night she would sit upright as soon as the child made any noise. In this situation, compared to the situation without giving birth, you look like a patient.

The reason why mothers are said to be "normal" is because most mothers are the same at this time. Using these people as a reference, mothers are normal.

Compared with the mother, the identity of the nanny is very strange.

Smiling may be a behavioral pattern unique to this group of people. Under normal circumstances, this pattern of behavior matures in the first few weeks of life, and one of the functions of a smile is to evoke the mother's natural behavior.

Everyone who has taken care of a baby will feel this way. If you stay with a newborn child for a longer time, that young life will melt you with its smile and arouse women’s maternal instinct. Therefore, some women (family nannies, elderly people) will irrationally put their breasts into the baby's mouth when helping the mother to take care of the baby. It is worth mentioning that babies can also reduce the male hormone levels of men who take good care of themselves, so that men can cultivate their minds and nature, and be as tender as water.

However, a smile should arouse the natural behavior of the mother, not the natural behavior of the child care sister-in-law. If the child care sister-in-law devotes herself fully to her work, her maternal instinct will be stimulated, but This child was not born by herself. If someone else has a mother, she has truly entered a "psychological distortion", so this instinctive reaction cannot be released freely.

If the childcare sister-in-law is not fully committed, the child will suffer a lot because she is a fake mother. Naturally, it will also jeopardize the quality of one's work and the credibility of the position.

It is a dilemma to do the job of a mother but not be able to step into the identity of a mother.

Using the example of a childcare nanny is to remind women who are preparing to give birth to children to recognize the changes in their identities in advance; women who have already given birth to children should not care about the changes in their identities. Being a mother requires you to do everything yourself. Others can help you with things, but they cannot replace your mother's identity, because this identity entrusts a unique emotion.

If a woman is promoted and becomes rich during her pregnancy, childbirth, and lactation period, she will not delay any good things. She only has to give birth, and all other matters related to the child will be left to the nanny, nanny, and elders. When people do it, it looks relaxed and leisurely, but in fact there are endless safety risks.

I have a friend whose father is a doctor and was considered a senior scholar fifty or sixty years ago. This father has very good medical skills and is conscientious and very popular with patients. After he had a child, he strictly followed the instructions in the book to perform quantitative analysis on time to feed the child milk powder. The feeding time error should not exceed five minutes. The weight of the milk powder was weighed with a scale, the water was filled with a measuring cup, and the temperature was controlled with a thermometer.

Even if the child cries until he dies, he will not be fed until the time is up, and the dosage is strictly prohibited. The child's body is quite good, but his emotions are extremely poor as an adult. The reason is that his identity as a doctor and his identity as a father have caused a shift.

As children gradually grow older, sometimes it is not easy to cope with it. When some parents are interacting with their children, once their children do not follow their own wishes, they become cold-hearted, get angry, or cry in their arms. This is also a kind of identity shift, shifting one's identity from a parent to a child.

In the parent-child relationship, whoever uses IQ more is the parent, and whoever uses mentality more is the child.

It's about a shift in identity.

There is an overseas example. A boy is in his teens. He is taller and fatter than his father, but he has always slept next to his mother on the same bed. When a family of three came for consultation, the father wore the children's school uniforms instead. It is a most inconvenient displacement.

02.

The second category is single identity

Recently, there have been relatively more negative reports about teachers. Suicide due to work pressure. Because several of my seekers are children of teachers, when I talked to them about their growing up experiences, the most common thing they said was that there was only a teacher in the family and no mother.

Teachers can't help but regard their children as the yardstick and proof of their own professional standards. They cannot tolerate their children not abiding by standards, and they cannot accept their children falling behind in learning.

Some children are beaten by their mother (who is also the dean) in class; some children cannot keep up with the progress of the top class, and their mother (who is also a teacher) would rather expel them from school than allow them to be demoted. Go to ordinary classes to study; some parents are teachers, and the children will receive a study plan on the first day of vacation, which details the daily study tasks, and there is also a quiz every week. This is not summer, it is the third day of vacation. Three academic years.

In this relationship between parents and children, the parents only have the identity of a teacher, and the child only has the identity of a student. It's a so-called school, not a stress-relieving home.

There is also a father who is a police officer. The most common thing he says to his adolescent children is: "You are a criminal! Do you know!?" This is also a parent with only one identity. He is a police officer at work, and a police officer when he returns home. He looks like a bad guy to everyone.

I also have a lawyer friend who is very good at finding the negligence of his enemies at work. When he comes home and looks at his children, he always sees only flaws. There is no difference between home and court, and there is no difference between the child and the other party's lawyer.

When we first came into contact with psychology, we always liked to use the skills we learned on our children. For example, if the child told a little "lie", I would look at it and see, your face The upper and lower zygomatic muscles are different, the extraocular muscles are not normal, and there is a gap in the middle of the speech. It is definitely not true! Until one time, my daughter burst into tears: "It's so tiring to be our child! It's not even good to tell lies!" Then I suddenly realized that it was like a lifetime ago. At home, we are parents, not professional workers, so we can't. Use technology with loved ones.

The first thing the little duck does when it comes to the ground from the water is to shake off the water on its body. Like it, we change our disguises to become parents after get off work.