Joke Collection Website - Joke collection - The shorter the joke, the better
The shorter the joke, the better
1 The "New Queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the bathroom empty?"
2 The men's and women's bathhouses in the school go to the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and met a school girl walking out in a sloppy state. The bookworm couldn't dodge and said hello: "Are there many people in there?"
3 Once I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us our food. After that, a beggar came up with a bowl and walked up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he was asking for money. My friend was chatting with me, and he thought it was the waiter who was bringing the food, but he didn't turn around, took the rice bowl from the beggar's hand, and put it in front of him. We were all stunned when we saw the beggar there, and he even wanted to cry without tears (I beat him to death
I never imagined that there would be people snatching jobs)~~~
4 I had a buddy in college I met a beautiful woman on campus and fell in love with her at first sight, and I was obsessed with her every day. One day at noon when he and I went out to eat, the beautiful woman was passing by. My buddy immediately pulled me to follow her. He saw the beautiful woman entering a restaurant, so we sat in too. I advised
my buddy: "You are already a senior, so hurry up~" So he mustered up the courage, walked forward, suppressed his blush and asked: "Classmate, what is your name?" That beauty< /p>
The woman looked at my buddy in shock: "My name is beef noodles." The guy was so stupid at the time, and I burst out laughing!
5 Tongtong asked his mother: "Why do you call Mr. Jiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said: "Because 'ancestor' is a name for the dead."
Tongtong said: "Should those deceased grandmothers be called 'Fresh Milk'?"
6 A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 o'clock in the morning and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class." "Now!" Then two people immediately got up to put on their clothes. I was playing on PC at the time.
7 One night after eating the bitter melon that I hate the most, I said: "XXX (my mother's name), why don't you make me bitter melon again
Death..." He may have yelled loudly at that time, and my mother who was sleeping in the other pavilion heard it. The next morning, she angrily interrogated me.
..... I had a crazy K-fight... It can be said that I was beaten while hanging...
8 A classmate went horse riding during the day and was still excited at night. Later, We fell asleep and we played cards. After a while, the man said: Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!
Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!!!! < /p>
9 There was a classmate who liked to smoke while pooping. He just came out of the toilet and said loudly to us: "Ah~~it feels so good to smoke while smoking"
Crazy
p>Before 10, the first thing I said when I returned to the dormitory was: "Is there anyone who can call me?"
11 Once, I had a quarrel with my roommate in the dormitory, and he said he couldn't beat me. Beat and scold "You are my grandfather's son!" "The whole dormitory laughed wildly after a second of silence!
12 When I was a child, I had a stomachache after eating something bad. The next day I wrote a sick note to the teacher: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach feels uncomfortable.
After taking it, I had diarrhea and vomiting in the morning. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.
13 Once, I was eating at home with my cousin. I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissue paper. My cousin hurriedly shouted, "Hurry up, hurry up, go get some toilet paper." Toilet
14's deskmate dropped something on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and stepped on it with his feet. Unexpectedly, he stepped on his hand and he was furious: "How dare you step on my feet?!"
15 When I was in high school, classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! ~~~~~~~~~~The whole class was furious
Han~~~
16 There was a time when a foreign teacher showed Mandarin while giving a lecture in a large classroom. I originally wanted to give him face, I praised him for speaking Mandarin very well, but the way he said it became your standard Mandarin. He spoke very well, Han, and people laughed at me.
17 and MM were in front of a stall selling soy milk and fried dough sticks. I shouted: "Boss, I want a piece of fried dough sticks with soy milk." MM burst into laughter.
18 My high school Chinese teacher said during class: You guys are like a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . The whole room burst into laughter! < /p>
20 There were so many people in the restaurant, I shouted loudly: Boss, please have some chili without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: Table 11, add some chili without seasoning! ! ! . . .
21 Me: That’s our physics teacher. . .
Classmate: What do you teach?
Me: Chemistry. . .
Before 22’s mother went out to play mahjong, she said to me: “Put all your clothes in the refrigerator and pick up all the vegetables in the washing machine~~~~~
23 My girl was out shopping! Suddenly she saw a crow flying in the sky, so she said: "Oh, this frog flies so low!" I fainted
24 I always make this mistake...because I talk a lot
Once in junior high school, when I was reading a text, it was XX wandering in the corridor, so I read it as XX is in Lewdness in the corridor...the teacher's face turned red.
When I went out with my classmates in high school, there was a China Everbright Bank next to the school. It had just opened, so the red cloth was still hanging on the sign... but the cloth was already there
The Chinese characters were blocked... I pronounced it as "Guoguang Bank"... My classmates laughed like crazy, and I couldn't hold my head up for several years!
25 A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much, and then he made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine. .
On the 26th, I once listened to the radio. It was some kind of shopping guide hotline. When someone called in, the host asked him: "What is your surname?"
He replied: "No surname. Your Majesty!~~~~~"
Buying oranges at 27, the boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.
28 To the grandmother who reacted quickly: The day you were sitting on the bus, the 252 driver made an emergency brake. You lost your center of gravity and rushed out, and actually asked the driver:
“Look for me. What's the matter?"
29 To my dear students: Although instructor, I am really busy, but if you see me in the toilet, please don't say to me: "Instructor, you are so busy and you have to do it yourself
Go to the bathroom! ”
It was very hot for 30 days, but the school had a power outage. From day to 10 o’clock in the evening, our girls’ dormitory was very quiet at night. Everyone was enjoying the cool air on the balcony, boys< /p>
The dormitory was very lively. After a commotion, the boys seemed to have reached some kind of consciousness. They only heard an organized shout from the corridor opposite: "Incoming call, incoming call"
Call , we are going to call!" About 10 minutes later, the school actually called. There was a burst of cheers from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.
It was not until the lights-out time at 11 o'clock in the evening that the boys were due to a power outage. The time was too short, and they began to shout in unison: "Delay, delay, we need to delay!"
The school, which has always been harsh, actually agreed to this group of people's unreasonable request, extending the extension for the first time. The time of the call.
Just as we were preparing to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys were too excited, because their two normally could not
The request was actually fulfilled by the school, so... a more organized and powerful voice came from the boys' dormitory opposite:
"Women... ..Women...We want women!!!"
31 If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!
32 A friend asked me about my computer Configuration, I said the monitor is a color screen. (Originally I wanted to talk about LCD)
A high school classmate of class 33 (a boy) walked into the noodle shop and flipped his hair coolly: "Boss, 2 liang of green onions and no rice noodles!" After that, he added: < /p>
"Put in more rice noodles!" Boss: "...
Do you want rice noodles or green onions?
34. One time the mother of a classmate in the dormitory called me
I am used to saying "he is not here", but this time I want to say The answer is "already gone"
The result is: "He is... gone"
35. Everyone in high school is given a name badge before coming to check. , the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, everyone, put on your bras and check.
The whole room was silent. After applying Dabao, I suddenly shouted: "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Hushubao?" ”
37. A high school classmate of my dormitory classmate called. He asked who he was looking for, but I said he wasn’t there, and then said thank you.
38. Someone came to my aunt’s house as a guest in the past. , I just walked in. My aunt happened to have to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "Sit down, I will go to the toilet to get you some tea!" "
39. Our company has a car to pick up and drop off work in the morning. Because the car is not big, once, after getting on the car, there was no seat
. A male colleague sitting next to me was busy. Standing up, he greeted her enthusiastically and said: "So-and-so, sit on my butt! ” I
laughed until I got out of the car~!
40. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about a problem. We were at a disadvantage for a while. In a hurry, I slapped the table and stood up and shouted: You're talking nonsense, I'm not stupid!
41. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When we came back, everyone asked him how he was. He said: This girl is really rough. It was lunch time. , two people entered a beef ramen restaurant, and the girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me two bowls of ramen~~~ The chef said: Do you want to eat?
42. When I was young, people selling popsicles and ice cream usually sold them on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream, hot.
(I guess the aunt used to sell pancakes. Fried dough sticks)
43 Once the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected recess exercises. After the end, the physical education teacher was supposed to announce the "dismissal", but in the moment of urgency, he forgot the words and suppressed them
For a long time, he shouted: "Retreat! ”
44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan. I was half way up the mountain and was about to take a break when I was tired and saw an Obasan buying souvenirs on the roadside.
< p>Go up and ask: "My wife..."45. During self-study, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM: "I just memorized the vocabulary. Help me write it silently. "MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silence me, (touch) me!! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore, so she shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) silence" He, he insisted on me (touching) Mo~~~!
46. One day I went to a classmate’s house for dinner and had a drink, and her father suddenly came in. I originally wanted to call him uncle, but I made the mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" "~~Han! Most of the classmates were laughing so hard
47. My colleague was arguing with someone, and when he got anxious, he opened his mouth and said, "Do you think I grew up eating? "I've always wondered what he ate when he grew up."
48. When I was in elementary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. When I didn't lend it, he kept stalking me. After that, I exhausted all my strength. He roared with all his strength
"I won't marry (lend) it to you." At that time, the students immediately became quiet,,,.
49. Once at KTV, when I asked for a song, I shouted loudly: Please order me a song called "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun...
50. Me I spit on your face!
51 went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already started. So I had no choice but to chase and shout:
"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!"
At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the window and rushed at me He said: "Wukong, please stop chasing me.
"
52 A customer ran into the tailor shop angrily.
Pointing to the fashion design designed for him by the shop owner, he said: "I stood on the corner of the street and yawned, and the two of them stuffed the letter into the shop. In my mouth! "
53 A primary school student participated in the school's recitation competition for the first time. She was very nervous. The teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally it was her turn. The primary school student gritted her teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps. : Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)... (the maple leaves are red)
54 When I was still a primary school student, I saw that the teacher asked me to read a composition. I am very envious of my classmates and always hope that the teacher will let me read it.
The opportunity has finally come.
So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!
The primary school student stood up and said: "My Teacher". Teacher, I look so much like your mother...
55 is a student of a song and dance troupe this time. A poor host.
She came on stage in a hurry without preparing properly. It was her turn to announce: Audience friends, please listen.
(Du)zi flute playing...
56 My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year and told me with joy. Mom
said: Hey! Mom, this is so thick... My mother and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor I call Auntie every day. Riding a bicycle to work. In the morning, I met her at the door and said politely: Shanggu,
Taipan... Bah!
58 A female classmate was feeling sorry for herself one day, and suddenly turned to the person behind her and said: Is my chest hair beautiful? She was shocked and said: Oh, I am
I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.
59 When I was a primary school student, I expressed my determination at the school meeting: We must learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army from climbing the snowy mountains to the grassland. From now on
p>Deprived of the right to speak politically for life!
60 When I was a child, my father told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese language book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she was a prostitute, she saved her life. When all the villagers lost their lives, an old man came forward to save her. The line was: Xiao Xiangzi, are you crazy! But in the era of ***, a poor rural village The child read aloud: Little madman, are you sweet?
61 When I was in high school, my teacher asked my classmate to read the text aloud. This girl was always known for her vivid reading, and she also held the textbook in her arms that day.
Reading:
... He stood guard in the blizzard, holding a steel gun tightly in his hand... (original text)
What we heard was...
...He stood guard in the blizzard, holding a pen tightly in his hand...
....The whole class was silent for a while, the teacher fell down laughing, and then the classmates fell down....
62 Everyone stand up! Play the national flag and sing the national anthem...
63 I took my son to feed the ducks. He was scattering bread crumbs to the ducks while chasing the ducks around. I was chasing him with his apples (he didn't like to eat them, so I could only wait for an opportunity to stuff him with a few when he was distracted). mouth). He kept running, and I kept calling him: Come here, take a bite of the apple
Chase the duck again! I kept repeating this sentence, and I finally shouted loudly: Come and have a bite of duck...and then very cleverly stopped the brake.
64 I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it was said that the author turned around a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in the mountain. One of my
daughter When the classmate read it aloud, he also read it with emotion: Turning around the mountain, I was shocked to see a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class
was shocked.
65 There is also a sentence taken from a novel by a Russian writer: The houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: The houses here belong to gentlemen.
As soon as he finished speaking, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully:
Where do these old ladies live?
The most classic thing about 66 is that I once watched Dou Wentao talk about the embarrassing things he did when he first became the host. He never mentioned that the opening ceremony ended with the curtain call... The thing that pissed me off the most was
He said that once when he was hosting a party, he walked up calmly and said affectionately: Friends, have you ever seen the Yellow River? Do you know that it is our mother river?
67. One time I was driving, and the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked: "Why are you driving without a condom?"
68. When I went home on the weekend, I got addicted to cigarettes after dinner, so I planned to use an excuse. Go for a walk. When I was changing my shoes at the door, my dad asked me why I was going there. I said: "Go and take a cigarette!". As a result, my father found a bag of white generals from my body and beat me severely.
In 69, I was in computer class, and a classmate had a problem with his machine, so he shouted, "Boss, change the machine!"
70 I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, and it was finally my turn. Can't wait to say: "Give me two rollers!". Unexpectedly, the waiter said loudly to me: "Two rollers, four yuan!".
71 I met a girl I had admired for a long time coming out of the bathhouse. I wanted to get close to her, so I held it in for a long time and said: "You take a bath, there are many men in there
Not many ah? ".
72 There was a mahjong teacher who stayed up all night. When he saw that the blackboard was not wiped, he was furious: "Who is playing banker today? The blackboard was not wiped!".
73 was left to do homework by the teacher. If he didn’t know how to do it, he copied other people’s homework. Then he went to the office to hand in the homework, and when he saw the teacher, he said: “I’ve finished copying!”.
74 A certain gentleman was very nervous on the day he took the driver’s license test. The examiner gave him a hard time and asked him to stop at a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This guy said nervously: "Report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the roadside, parking is not allowed!".
When 75 Kende Chicken first came out with the hot chicken popcorn, an old lady ran over and said to the waiter: "Here comes the hot chicken." She laughed till she died~~~~
76 In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted: "Teacher, help me turn on the cheating device."
In the future, in memory of him, we always shouted to the teacher in physical education class: "Network administrator" ! He’s using a cheating device!”
Buying oranges at 77, the boss said: One yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.
78 Eat in one day. . .
"Rice, why hasn't my lady come yet? Hurry up"
79. Just now I was eating a cream cake while reading this post, and the gg next to me suddenly said, you eat like this Doudou, can you make cream without it? . . Severe cold
80 In the Internet cafe, I was thinking about getting off the plane, but I wanted to pay the bill, so I shouted: "Boss, check out the plane!"
81 .Junior high school art evening, question-and-answer session
Female host: "Everyone, be careful, don't rush too fast. Wait until I finish speaking and start raising your hands."
Then he started to read the questions, Said, "Open now..."
At this time, a contestant rushed to answer.
The host said, "This classmate is a little too anxious. My 'shi' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you snatch it away?"
The whole audience was laughing. :)
82 Xi’an calls rice rice. When a classmate came back from Xi’an, he entered the restaurant and shouted: “Boss, bring me a bowl of rice!” Boss Han!
83 After finishing the meal, he shouted, "Network administrator, check out!"
84. One day, a friend went to KFC, and the salesperson smiled and asked what he wanted. The friend said: Give it to me. Let’s have a Spanish chicken roll!
At a cultural evening party in 1985, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy the following, Xinjiang song and dance - lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !
In the 86 math class, the teacher asked for an example of two parallel faces. Yisheng answered: "Table." Just as the teacher was about to say it, she added: "And drawers... a table with drawers."
"The whole class laughed
The other person didn't hear clearly and asked the person next to him. The person said: "She just said drawers with tables"...and laughed again
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