I want to show it before class and tell me jokes.

In the morning, the wife asked her husband who was a cavalry, "What do you often say in your dreams, Jessie? Who is she? "

Husband: "Oh, that's my horse."

"But," the wife added, "you weren't at home yesterday, and your horse called you twice."

2. Poor dog

In the morning, two neighbors met. One said, "I heard that your wife had a big fight with you last night?"

"No, she is angry with the dog."

"Oh, poor dog! I seem to hear your wife even threatening to take away the key to the house. "

3. Self-frustration

John's secretary was drunk at the dinner party, so John had to drive her home. When he got home, John didn't tell his wife about it for fear that she wouldn't understand. The next afternoon, John and his wife drove to the movies. Suddenly, he found a woman's shoes at her feet. He took advantage of her eyes to look out of the window, picked up the leather shoes and threw them out of the window, which was a relief. Unexpectedly, the wife turned her head, touched John with her foot and asked, "John, have you seen my other shoe?"

4. Someone must stay

The husband is reading the evening paper. After reading an article entitled "Women live longer than men", he asked his wife, "I really don't know why men leave first?"

The wife explained, "someone has to stay and tidy up the clothes!" "

People and dogs are upside down.

Jesse finally has a long vacation and will go to the Swiss mountains. He couldn't bear to leave his dog Harry at home alone, so he wrote a letter to a hotel in Switzerland and asked him if he could let the dog live in.

He quickly received a reply: "Dear Mr. Jesse, our store has a history of more than 30 years. We have never driven any unruly dogs out of the house, and no dogs have caused us any trouble, so dogs will be warmly welcomed."

"Besides, if your dog can guarantee your good behavior, you can also come with it."

6. Business

A couple opened a hotel next to the station, which was always open until midnight 12 o'clock every day, and then closed after the guests had finished drinking and took the last bus.

One day, it was already two o'clock the next morning, and a male guest still didn't leave. He fell asleep at his desk and was still snoring. The proprietress is so sleepy that she asks her husband to wake him up. Her husband entered the hall and came back. After a while, he went out and came back, and so on. Wife of shop-owner impatient, "you have been out for six times, why don't you wake him up? It's too late, please ask him to go. "

"No, don't let him go." The boss proudly said, "Look, every time I call him, he always thinks he wants to settle the bill with him, so he takes out a 50 yuan ticket for me and goes back to bed. I have received six tickets now, and it is still far from dawn! "

One day, the white rabbit ran to the drugstore and asked the boss, "Boss, do you have any carrots here?"

The boss said, "No."

The little white rabbit is gone.

The next day, the little white rabbit ran to the drugstore and asked the boss, "boss, do you have any carrots here?"

The boss said, "I told you, no!" "

The little white rabbit is gone.

On the third day, the white rabbit ran to the drugstore and asked the boss, "boss, do you have any carrots here?"

The boss is anxious: "How many times have I told you? ! Don't! ! ! If you bother me again, I'll clamp your teeth with tiger pliers

Unplug them all! "

The little white rabbit was frightened and ran away.

On the fourth day, the white rabbit ran to the drugstore and asked the boss, "Boss, do you have tiger pliers here?"

The boss said, "No."

The little white rabbit asked, "Well, do you have any carrots?"

The boss was really angry, took out the tiger pliers and pulled out all the teeth of the little white rabbit.

On the fifth day, the white rabbit ran to the drugstore and asked the boss, "Boss, do you have carrot juice here?"

Three little white rabbits

In a mental hospital, one day the dean wanted to see how three mental patients were recovering, so he put a white rabbit in front of each of them. The first mental patient sat on the rabbit, grabbed the rabbit's ear and shouted "Drive". The dean shook his head. The second man turned his back on the white rabbit, patted its ass and said, "Chase it for me". The dean sighed. The third crouched there, touching the white rabbit assiduously. After reading it, the dean nodded with satisfaction, only to hear him say, "sample, let you walk 300 meters, and I will chase you after washing the car!" " "Dean fell down and fainted. ...

Discussion between white rabbit and bear

The white rabbit and the big bear squatted under the tree and shit.

Bear said to the white rabbit, although you white rabbits are good-looking, you are in trouble! You can tell when it's dirty. That's disgusting!

The little white rabbit said, look at what you said! Isn't it?

Bear said, yes! Bear said as he grabbed the white rabbit and wiped his ass and walked away.

White Rabbit and Bear (2)

The little white rabbit and the big bear were walking in the forest and accidentally kicked over a jar.

An elf came out of the pot and said that he could satisfy their three wishes.

The bear said, turn it into the strongest bear in the world. Its wish has come true.

The little white rabbit said, give it a small helmet. Its wish has also come true.

The bear said, turn it into the most beautiful bear in the world. Its wish has come true again.

The little white rabbit said, give it a bike. Its wish has come true again.

The bear said, turn all other bears in the world into bitches!

The little white rabbit got on the bike and said as he ran, turn this bear into a homosexual. ...

Don't annoy the rabbit.

The beginning of the matter is this:

One of my cousins had to work overtime on Sunday. Her cousin took a driver's license test that day, so she sent her 5-year-old son to my house and asked me to look after him for one day.

I was afraid of disobedience, so I went to the market and bought him a lovely little white rabbit.

Ask me what the rabbit eats, and I will tell him to eat carrots and all the green vegetables. I had a good time with the rabbit and went to read a book.

The rabbit soon finished eating the carrots, and when it was noisy, it went to the refrigerator to find vegetables. Who knows that only a part of the peppers in my refrigerator are green? If you make a scene, break the pepper and feed it to the rabbit.

The rabbit won't eat, but it will eat when it quarrels. The little white rabbit was forced to hurry and kicked his feet wildly, so he pushed the fine sand spread in his nest into his noisy eyes. I was busy rubbing it with my hands. His hands were burning, and I burst into tears.

I heard him crying badly in the study, so I rushed out and asked him what was wrong. He covered his eyes with his hand and kept crying: "The rabbit kicked me, and the rabbit kicked me."

I thought the rabbit really kicked him in the eye. I was scared to death. I thought, if there is a mistake, how should I tell his parents? Busy calling 120.

Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw that it was my brother's classmate. I didn't have time to say hello to him, so I ran back to comfort him. I didn't pay attention to stepping on a piece of watermelon skin he threw around and knocked my head on the door frame and fainted.

My brother's classmates quickly dialed 120, and then remembered some first aid knowledge they learned during military training. They knelt on the ground and tried to pick me up.

At this time, my brother came back. When he saw this scene, he thought that his classmates were going to flirt with me, so he picked up one of his mother's pointed shoes and shone it on the unlucky man's head. Suddenly, blood gushed out.

When the younger brother rushed into the kitchen and took the knife, his classmates tried to explain and ran downstairs desperately.

At this time, Grandma Wang downstairs heard screams and looked out from the peephole of the security door. She saw a man running down with blood all over his face, and his brother was chasing after him with a knife. She was frightened and immediately called 1 10 to call the police.

Originally, she had a slight stroke. In this panic, her hands and feet are even more clumsy. She suddenly sat on the ground and put positive pressure on the kitten's tail.

The kitten jumped out with a sigh, knocked over a pot of soup, and flames scurried around. Grandma Wang picked up a bottle of water and poured it over, but it contained Erguotou that her wife had secretly hidden. So, while putting out the fire, the whole family called the 1 19 fire alarm.

When my brother's classmate ran as fast as he could, he was bumping into an emergency doctor who was walking upstairs. As both sides were in a hurry, they rolled into a ball and fell down the stairs.

At this time, my brother's classmates explained everything to him. But two doctors broke their arms.

After waking up, I called my cousin and brother-in-law. Cousin is drinking water Hearing the news, she choked in her throat and rolled her eyes at once.

Her colleague is busy typing120; When my cousin heard the news, he drove frantically to my house and ran three red lights.

At this time, two ambulances and two fire engines have gathered downstairs in my house. The fireman was about to turn on the fire hydrant when his cousin's car suddenly came and hit it. Suddenly, the water flowed like a river. He turned the steering wheel again and ran into a police car that had just arrived.

And in the back, several traffic policemen riding motorcycles are galloping, and then behind, it is the municipal facilities to repair the car.

That day, it was like a Hollywood blockbuster playing downstairs in my house. According to statistics, only five ambulances were dispatched. I called one, my brother and classmates called one, two injured doctors called one, and my cousin's colleague called one. ...

You said you were missing one? Don't worry, didn't my cousin come back from his driving school? The old coach in the car was so scared that he had another heart attack. Don't you need to order another one?

Smile for Bo! !

Party A and Party B went camping together and slept until midnight at night. Party A wakes Party B up and asks, "What do you think of looking up?"

B: "The sky is full of stars, the world is so vast, the sky is so vast, and people are so small!" "After staring at the sky for a while without saying a word, B asked A," What do you think? " A said somberly, "I think our tent was stolen." "

1' s colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?

Once I borrowed money from others, and I wanted to say, "I'll pay you back when I get the money."

Say, "I'll take you when I have money."

anxious

A classmate named Yu Jingbo wrote a letter one day, and the doorman of the dormitory shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: A letter of dried cold rice noodles!

Our Chinese teacher: Please turn to 120 yuan.

The whole class is dizzy, and the teacher is nicknamed "money addiction", hehe.

Once a friend watched a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said, "Why are there so many Marx?" It took a long time to realize that he was referring to Massek!

6 a buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely.

I said, that won't do. Once a year, be sure to bring it.

7 junior high school role reading "white-haired girl"

A boy (Yang Bailao): I pulled two Jin of red rope and tied it for my daughter. ...

Teacher: It's not like wrapping a mummy …

When I was cooking, I pointed to cauliflower and said, potatoes.

Aunt asked: cauliflower?

I continued to point to cauliflower and said: potatoes

Aunt asked again: Is it potato or cauliflower?

I quickly said, isn't this a potato ... er, broccoli?

Now that I think about it, it's enough to make people vomit blood. I'm sorry, aunt who sells rice

When I went to buy cakes, I wanted to say "two yellow pears send an egg tower", but the result was "two orioles sing an egg tower"

What is even more depressing is that the owner actually understood. ......

10 University There is a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. The word "Yun" in the lower half of the word "Yun" on the envelope has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, this classmate took the letter and let out a cry, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you. " All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang. As a result, this girl named Liu Yun was scolded as a hooligan for four years.

1 1 There were rats at home for a while, and my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but none of them were cured. One morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison in the janitor's corner and said to herself, "Why doesn't anyone take this medicine?" ~ ~ ~ "The whole family fainted. . .

12 English teacher teaches grammar. Before class, she asked everyone, "I have finished. Do you still understand? " We replied with one voice: "No!"

Until I raised my glass to ask the bright moon and sank into the water, I suddenly remembered home.

14 once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so we had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "

15 as the saying goes: kill and set fire to pay off debts.

In physics class 16, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: radioactive elements are very dangerous, so you humans must stay away! !

17 Spit grape skins if you can't eat grapes.

18 received a phone call at the company, which was promoted by a clothing company and kept saying that it would make uniform clothes for a big company and so on. I grabbed the gap between each other's speeches and blurted out: "Our company is not in dressing the!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds, said "I'm sorry" and hung up.

Teacher of our university: I'm looking for three students, a man and a woman. ...

The class began to look around, looking for Chris Lee.

20 nights self-study back to the dormitory, Lu Yu fairy mm one day, and then follow.

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but I didn't have the courage to go forward until fairy mm was about to enter the girls' building.

I gritted my teeth and stepped forward to ask mm loudly: Excuse me, classmate, are you a woman?

Later ... later, I enjoyed the eyes of the fairy mm for two years.

2 1 Allen class, the teacher is passionate: how many heroic children are lingering underground? ...

The graduation works of 22 students are made of big red cloth and sewn on black robes.

The teacher who answered the question asked: Why does Phoenix use red instead of other colors?

When that classmate was excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is burning! ! Three seconds later, the students who came to see the defense laughed hysterically, and my stomach was twisted with laughter!

When I was in junior high school, my teacher called recite Mulan words (the teacher was BT), and I was nervous.

When my brother heard that my sister was coming, he slashed his knife at his parents (pigs and sheep) .......

The whole class laughed and laughed at themselves, and I forgot the rest. Fortunately, the teacher didn't punish me ~ ~

Heaven and earth, Dou E is more unfair than me!

I bought WSJ for LP. I went to the store for a long time and didn't know what to buy. I just took a bag and asked the owner, "Boss, is this easy to use?" The boss (male) wait for a while looked at me carefully for 5 seconds and said, "I have never used this either!" " "

At the age of 25, my father watched me write my composition. There is a simple mistake in writing. The father smiled and said to his mother, "I find your son very stupid." I was in a hurry and said loudly to my father, "Your son is so stupid!" -_-b

Twenty-six soldiers came to earth to cover up the water.

My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the bank said that you don't have enough money. This is the second page. This should also be handed in.

My mother: What's the second page?

Staff: Sewage

My mother: My family never drinks sewage.

The director of our senior three office once again angrily scolded us for not listening to the class and said, "Don't blame me for being inhuman if you do this again!" "

29 math teacher's signature action

Put up two fingers and say to the students, "Students, the key to learning math well is three words!" " ! ! Do more exercises! ! "

On the 30th day, I said that my girlfriend was as stupid as a pig. She twisted me, and it was painful, and she never let go. When I was in a hurry, I said, "I told your mother that you abused pigs!" "

3 1 One day, I went to worship Guanyin with my parents and younger brother.

I didn't wake up, just come forward to say:

Suffering Guanyin ...

Mom and Dad:->-|||

Brother:->-||||

Bodhisattva: T _ _ _ _ T ||||||

When I was in FoxPro class in my sophomore year, a teacher began to count how many people were in our class.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, tick ...

One day, my dear mother asked me to buy pepper.

Mommy: "Go and buy a catty of peppers."

Even: "A catty! Why buy so much? "

Mommy: "Nonsense ~ To cook! ! ! "

I was depressed and surprised when I went out to buy it. When I left, I specifically asked, "Are you sure you want to buy a catty?" ! "

Answer my eyes! anxious ...

When I arrived at the vegetable market, the more I thought about it, the more wrong I was. Why did you buy a catty of peppers? Too many, isn't it? ! Take out your cell phone.-Confirm again!

The answer is still the same: a catty of pepper! ! !

28 yuan, a kilo of peppers, the boss weighed and bagged me. I was about to pay when the phone rang ~ ~ ~ Mom? !

I only heard the roar on the phone: "Wrong! No! ! Not a catty, not a catty, but one or two! ! ! "

Sweat! ! ! !

When the house was just delivered, there were many people coming and going, and every time the security guard asked questions.

Originally, I wanted to say that I am the landlord, but I often say that I am the landlord.

I ran away while the security guard was short-circuited